Living in Port St. Lucie didn't turn out to be as wonderful for John as the "Conservative Times" article pointed out. Ain't that a surprise? John couldn't get any new porno films to beat off to, because pornography could not be sold there, especially, all male pornography. He had to use his old porno films. He did manage to find a shopping mall to have cheap sleazy sex in the bathrooms. The name of the mall was, The Port St. Lucie Mall of the American Dream.

     After moving to Port St. Lucie, John's finances turned to shit too. Ain't that a surprise? When he lived in Chicago, he was making $17 an hour working in a warehouse. For the same kind of job, he was making $4. 25 an hour in Port St. Lucie, minimum wage. Then, John's VCR fucked up and he didn't have the money to fix it, or get a new one. He could no longer beat off while watching gay porno films, poor baby. At this point, the hex that Steve put on John was really starting to kick in, and it was only the beginning!

      The place that John worked at was really lovely too. He worked at a warehouse that had no air conditioning, and that really feels great when you're in Florida, but John figured, that sweating was part of God's plan for him. The neighborhood that John worked in was really lovely too. A neighborhood that was loaded with crack houses and had bums hanging out all over the place, and Port St. Lucie doesn't have any undesirables? There were a lot of stray pitbulls running around too and there were piles and piles of pitbull shit everywhere, but for some reason, that town would never allow a concert from "Raw Fecal Matter". John got to walk by the piles of pitbull shit everyday and the lovely aroma just filled the air while baking in the hot sun, while the flies and maggots were eating it. John figured, ah who cares if that neighborhood had the aroma from the piles of pitbull shit. He knew he was in the New Frontier of the American Dream, and why? Because "Conservative Times" said so.

      What really happened was, John was in a strong state of denial, that the place he was living in was, Shitville. To suppress his feelings, John continued to smoke pot and sniff poppers every time he beat off and have sex, but poppers have been banned by the government. He had to buy poppers out in the street, because they went underground, and John needed that head rush for every orgasm. Since poppers were banned, the price sky rocketed since going underground. What used to cost $6 a bottle when legal, now cost $100, underground. This caused John's financial situation to get worse. To make matters worse for John, the company that he worked at, started random drug testing. Dun Dun Dun Dun

      John would often talk to his co-workers about how supportive he was of drug testing, because he supported Big Brother. That was, until he had to take a drug test. Before John had to take a drug test, he would often have conversations with his co-workers, about how wonderful drug testing was, as well as many other right wing issues, including how evil homosexuality is.

      John's favorite co-worker was Vickie, who was the Bookkeeper. Vickie was a reactionary religious fanatic. Vickie use to live in Miami Beach and she would often talk about how Miami Beach got ruined by the CCQ, which stands for Coons, Cubans and Queers, so she decided to move up to Port St. Lucie, for a "better life". She hated Miami Beach, because so many people there were speaking Spanish and there was a high crime rate, and of course according to her, the reason why crime was so bad there was because so many people spoke Spanish. Port St. Lucie also had a high crime rate, but for some reason, the media paid a lot of attention to the crime rate in Miami and very little attention to the crime in Port St. Lucie.

      What really disturbed Vickie about Miami Beach is, she said, it got invaded by homosexuals and weirdos. This is what Vickie said to John about Miami Beach. She said, "Miami Beach used to be such a nice place to live. Then they opened clubs that catered to homosexuals, punk rockers and weirdos. Then they had a Gay Pride March right down the street. Those queers ruined Miami Beach. After I saw them, I wanted to take a machine gun and blow them all away. If anyone tries to open up a gay bar in Port St. Lucie, I'll throw a hand grenade in it. If I find out about anyone being queer in this town, I'll kill them. I will not let Port St. Lucie get ruined like Miami Beach, because I'm a crusader for Jesus".

       Well, like a dork and someone with shit for brains, John agreed with everything that Vickie said, even though he was queer and she didn't know it, yet. Vickie loved John for agreeing with her. If she only knew! She loved John so much, she asked him to marry her. John declined the offer and told her that he wasn't ready for marriage, yet and of course, he never will be. The real reason that John declined marriage is because John couldn't stand the thought of fucking a woman. John tried to fuck a woman once and he couldn't stand it because she had a bad fishy kind of a smell down there, but for some reason, John could never say that to Vickie.

        Vickie's very strong positive opinion was about to change, when that fateful day came for him, when his boss, Mr. Pusolini, called him into his office, to make John whip out his dick and piss in a bottle, better known as urinalysis. Mr. Pusolini was a 73 year old redneck Italian guy, who was still, "in the Closet". Watching John piss in a bottle made Mr. Pusolini very horny. After he left the office, Mr. Pusolini drank the entire bottle of John's piss, while he masturbated. How can John get a drug test, if Mr. Pusolini drinks his piss? Well, Mr. Pusolini called John back into his office again and told him that the results of his drug test was inconclusive, so John had to whip out his dick and piss in a bottle again for Mr. Pusolini. This time, Mr. Pusolini had some self control. He only drank some of John's piss, instead of all of it, so John's piss could be sent off to the lab, so Big Brother could find out if he does drugs.

        John was praying and praying to the Lord, for the result of his drug test to come back negative. Well guess what? It came back positive and Big Brother got a lot of information on John's private life. According to the result of the drug test, they found out that John smokes pot, does poppers and it even said that John does heroin, because he likes to eat a lot of poppy seeds. That's not all they found out. They found out that John was on medication for his mental disorder, from the time that he cut his dick off and they found out that John ejaculates an average of 5.3 times, everyday.

      When Mr. Pusolini found out the results of John's drug test, he called him into his office and here's what Mr. Pusolini had to say to him: "Well John, you tested positive for a lot of drugs; marijuana, poppers and heroine". John said, "I don't do heroine". Mr. Pusolini said, "bullshit, these drug tests don't lie. Also, I see you do poppers and ejaculate 5.3 times everyday and you're not married. Are you some kind of a fag"? John said, "no, I'm a decent born again Christian". Mr. Pusolini said, "bullshit, only fags do poppers and I know you're a fag. For the past 54 years, I had to stick my nose up my wife's smelly ugly cunt, like a real man. That fuckin' bitch, wasted my life, complaining about this and that and she expected me to fuck her too. Being a real man means fucking and eating pussy, whether you like it, or not.

      Well anyway, John, queerboy, I'm giving you a choice of something you must do for me, if you want to keep your job. You must suck my dick and rim my asshole with your tongue and I want you to piss in my mouth, while I sniff some poppers. If you do all that, I'll put on your record that the result of your drug test is negative, and remember John, this is our little secret".

       John thought that having to suck a 73 year old man's dick and rimming his asshole was disgusting, even more disgusting than eating a woman's pussy. Well, a good looking woman, that is. Well, John wanted to keep his job, so he rimmed Mr. Pusolini's asshole and sucked his dick and pissed in his mouth while he did poppers. Mr. Pusolini told John that it was the best orgasm he ever had, and John could keep his job, then Uh oh. Shortly after Mr. Pusolini came, he had a heart attack and croaked. Talk about cumming and going! After Mr. Pusolini dropped dead, John panicked and left the results of his drug test on the desk, for his new boss to see.

     John's new boss Mrs. Paterson, was a real cold hearted, nosy cunt. As soon as she found out about the result of John's drug test, she called him into her office and asked him all kinds of personal questions like:

I see that you ejaculate 5.3 times a day. How do you achieve your ejaculation?
A) through masturbation
B) By having sex with women
C) By having sex with animals
D) By having sex with men
E) By having sex with children
F) All of the above

      I see that you do poppers, which means you are probably a homosexual, which is an abnormal lifestyle. I see that you smoke marijuana too. I am sure that you do poppers while you are ejaculating, but do you smoke pot while you ejaculate too? While you're
ejaculating, what kind of thoughts do you have in your mind?

Also what kind of sex do you enjoy?
A) Anal, Receiving
B) Anal, Giving
C) Oral, Receiving
D) Oral, Giving
E) Watersports
F) All of the above

       I also see that you're on medication for a mental disorder. What did you do to cause you to have to take that medication"? For some reason, John could not answer most of those questions.

      Mrs. Paterson was really pissed off at John for not answering her questions and she said, "John, you are not cooperating with me. I am going to give you one more chance, once you complete a drug rehabilitation program, mainly, for doing poppers". Vickie was really disappointed with John after she found out that he was gay and he did poppers. She wasn't too crazy about him smoking pot either, but Vickie had faith in the Lord, that the rehabilitation program would cure John of his homosexuality, the desire to do poppers and smoking pot.

      Although smoking marijuana is a lot less dangerous than doing cocaine or even drinking alcohol, our right wing fascist hysterical society is starting to believe that smoking pot is just as bad as smoking crack, so therefore, people who have traces of marijuana in their piss, in a Big Brother drug test, must go into treatment, whether they are addicted or not. They lectured John repeatedly, about how "horrible" smoking pot was.

       Part of the reason John was put into the drug rehab program was because he smoked pot, but their main concern was him doing poppers. John's rehabilitation for doing poppers consisted of having to sniff poppers, while watching gay porno films. If John got a hard on, he would be given electric shock treatments. After being zapped enough times, John stopped getting a hard on, watching gay porno films while he sniffed poppers and at last, John was so happy, God had cured him from being queer. YEAH RIGHT.

      Meanwhile, Mrs. Paterson would invite her friend Laura into the office after work. The 2 of them would freebase cocaine together. After that, they would punch up the names of all the people who had drug tests on the computer, and gossip about it. They would gossip about the color and smell of people's piss. After that, they were so buzzed from all that cocaine, they would take off all their clothes and stick vibrators in each others cunt, and deny to each other that they were lesbians. They would insult each other about the smell of their pussies. Mrs. Paterson felt that freebasing cocaine and sticking vibrators in Laura's cunt and vice versa was ok, because it helped her deal with stress, while she fucked with people for smoking pot, and invaded other people's privacy.

      Meanwhile, John's cure for doing poppers and being gay was only temporary. Gee, what a surprise. Before long, John was back to sniffing poppers, beating off, and having sex with men in public bathrooms again. After going through that drug rehabilitation for doing poppers, John was starting to feel disillusioned about how wonderful conservatives are. About time. John was finally starting to question authority, for the first time since he was 13, when his therapist told him that it was good and since he decided to become a born again Christian.

In Chapter V, John begins to realize that he was duped by a bunch of fucking assholes.