CHAPTER V

DICK CAUSES JEFF TO GO OFF THE DEEP END

     As the realization that Jeff had lost just about everything he had kicked in and as the Prozac began to wear off, he was becoming more and more pissed off. Jeff would have been delighted and cheered up, if he knew about his sister getting killed, especially if he knew exactly how she died. Unfuckin fortunately, because Dick knocked out the electricity and he lost his tv, he was unable to see that Channel 7 report about what had happened to his sister, which means that he didn't know about it and nobody told him about it either. He did know about his parents getting killed and he was happy about that because it meant that he could go back to Minneapolis, except there was one slight problem. He didn't have any money to go back. He was going to save the money up by going to his wonderful job at Eckerd Drugs.

       When Jeff got to work, he did not like what he discovered. Dick had trashed the store and made a big mess and he was going to have to clean it up. As though that wasn't bad enough, Hurricane Dick knocked out the electricity which meant there was no air conditioning and the weather was too fucking hot. Well, with the painful realization that he had lost just about everything he had and with the Prozac wearing off, Jeff decided to tell his boss about how he felt about having to work in weather that he can't stand without air conditioning. This is what he said to him: "look, it is too fucking hot in here and I am not going to clean up this mess until the electricity is back on and the air conditioning is running". His boss said, "I don't appreciate that kind of language. There is nothing you can do about this weather or the air conditioning. So you better clean up this mess". Jeff said, "I use to fucking live in Minneapolis and this is the middle of fucking September and the weather is nice and cool there now, and there's no hurricanes there, but I have to be in all this fucking bullshit that I can't fucking stand and the fucking air smells like shit out there". His boss said "now look, the good Lord created this lovely tropical weather and working in hot weather is good for your soul. Now get going and clean up this shit". Gee, that wasn't the first time that someone told Jeff that hot weather was good for his soul. In fact, it was so good for his soul, this is what Jeff said to his boss after he made that very "intelligent" comment. He said, "go suck my dick, you motherfucker". For some reason, Jeff was fired from his job after he said that.

       As Jeff was walking out of the store, he noticed the Florida souvenir (propaganda) section. He saw a baseball bat that said "I love the Florida Marlins". Jeff took that baseball bat, snuck up on his boss and he hit him over the head with it, knocking him unconscious. He then took a shirt that said "I love Florida", wrapped it around his neck and strangled him. Killing his boss made Jeff feel better and it relieved tension. The problem was, it relieved so much tension, Jeff was starting to get hungry and because the weather was so fucking hot, he was very thirsty. Jeff was getting ready to leave the store again when he saw a sign that said, "OUTDOOR FLORIDA FUN AT ECKERD". He went over to where the sign was and it was in the section where Eckered sells barbecue grills. An idea came to his mind when he saw the grill. He took his boss'es body and cut him up into little bitty pieces. He even cut off his penis. He then cooked up his boss on the grill, including his penis. He then feasted out on his boss and he found that eating people tasted pretty good. His penis had kind of a funny taste but it was interesting. It tasted kind of like a hot dog, but not quite. Talk about eating a weeny! After what Jeff did, the sign should say, "CANNIBAL FUN AT ECKERD"! Now this proves that hot weather is good for Jeff's soul! As soon as Jeff got done eating his boss, he decided to wash it down with Coors beer, until he got drunk. He couldn't enjoy the beer too much, thanks to Hurricane Dick, because there was no electricity to keep the beer cool.

      After Jeff was done drinking the beer, he broke into one of the registers and took some money. After that, he realized that he had better get the fuck out of there before any of his co-workers showed up to discover what happened to his boss. Before Jeff left the store, he took another bottle of beer with him for the road. Jeff felt better while he was drunk, but a hangover was beginning to set in and thanks to the weather being too fucking hot and the lovely smell of garbage in the air, Jeff was getting dizzy. He then suddenly felt faint and passed out. When he woke up, he puked his guts out, adding to the lovely smell in the air.

      After Jeff was done throwing up, he decided to take the money he stole from Eckered and he bought a machine gun. With the way things were going, he knew that would come in handy. After Jeff bought his machine gun, he decided to go to Tent City, which was a hurricane relief center in Davie. When he got to the Center, they confiscated his plastic penis with Dan Quayle's face on it. They told him that that was inappropriate to have and it would be harmful for children to see it. Sure, that would be much more harmful than what Hurricane Dick did and of course, more harmful than what the parents did by dragging their kids from up north where it is safer and better.

       Jeff was bored there and he couldn't stand it and he was feeling sick. To make matters worse, a religious fanatic was there and he started singing an awful song. This is what Jeff got to hear: "Oh Lord Jesus, woe is me. I lost everything I had but I know you did it for my own good. Oh sweet Jesus with your strength I can live without having nothing". Hearing that song was enough to make Jeff sick, literally. He threw up all over the place. As soon as Jeff was done throwing up, he had his own religious song to sing and this was his song: "Oh Lord, won't you buy me some Pepto Bismol, I just puked my guts out and I want my stomach to feel better. Oh Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz I want to look cool as I drive the fuck out of this scumfuck South Florida shithole and back up north. Oh Lord, won't you buy me a new VCR . That evil dick destroyed my last one. Oh Lord, won't you buy me some porn video. I love to watch cum squirt out of a dick into someone's ass". At that point the people there were getting real pissed off at him. Someone said "shut your sick mouth you sick pervert. Don't you know that there are children here and you're damaging them, you scumbag". The children enjoyed Jeff's song much better than the first one they heard. The kids also felt that Jeff's song did a lot more to help them cope with Hurricane Dick than the religious fanatic's song. Besides how could Jeff's song harm children? Most of the children laughed and smiled for the first time since Hurricane Dick came along and fucked up their lives. Well anyway, Jeff was pissed off at those people for acting like such assholes for singing that song, so he decided to antagonize them some more so he put on his "Stiff Peters" tape and he was playing a song with very explicit lyrics which was called, "I love to Have a Cock Shoved up my Asshole". These are the lyrics that the people at Tent City got to hear: "If you think that the only purpose of your asshole is for shit to come out, then you have no imagination. Take your face and stick it up my ass. I hope you love the smell of my shit and eat it too. I'd love to have you shove your cock up my ass and fuck me good. I'd love to feel your cum squirting inside me from a nice big cock. Oh baby, fuck me good with your cock". At that point a group of horrified people reacted. They took a baseball bat and smashed Jeff's boombox to pieces. Then they beat the shit out of him. They were pissed off at him because children were there and they would be "traumatized" from hearing such a song.

      Jeff was not too thrilled about having the shit beaten out of him and losing his boombox and the only tape he had left and his plastic penis with Dan Quayle's face on it. The only thing he had left was his machine gun, which he hid outside of Tent City, so no one could find it. With what was happening to him, it would not take long before Jeff would end up using that machine gun.

       Having the shit beaten out of him also caused Jeff to go into more rampages. Later that day, it was still too fucking hot out and this is what Jeff had to say about that: "I'm sick of this fucking bullshit weather. It's like a fucking steambath cesspool out here". After Jeff had his rampage, one of the people at Tent City whose name was Chad had a comment to make to Jeff which was: "look dude, you have a bad attitude, man. You need to learn that this hot weather is good for your soul". Here we go again! Jeff said, "hot weather is good for your soul because if you say that to me again, I'm gonna take your motherfuckin head and cook it on the motherfuckin stove, while your still alive, fuckhead".

        Later that night, Jeff was tired so he was starting to fall asleep and people were sure relieved about that because they wouldn't have to listen to him ranting and raving for the rest of the night. Wrong. Just as Jeff was about to fall asleep, he was awaken to the sound of a mosquito buzzing in his ear and he went into the worst rampage and this is what he had to say, while screaming at the top of his lungs: "Goddamn son of a bitchen fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Get the fuck away from me you fuckin piece of shit motherfucker mosquito. I hate this fuckin South Florida fuckin shit cesspool fuckin shit with those fuckin mosquito bullshit, fuck". For a few seconds Jeff calmed down when once again, the mosquito buzzed in his ear again. His rampage started back up and he said, "shut the fuck up you little fuckin piece of shit. Go fucking bother one of those fucking assholes who actually love Florida". Then Jeff started throwing dirt around. At that point, someone actually had enough brains to spray Jeff with "Off" and finally, everyone was able to get some sleep.

      The next day, Jeff was hungry and they ordered pizzas from Dominos. Jeff really didn't care for Dominos pizza and he said that their pizza tastes like shit. Even though Jeff didn't like Dominos Pizza, he was willing to eat it until he discovered that all the pizzas had anchovies on them which caused him to go into a major rampage. This is what he said, "why did they only fuckin send pizzas with anchovies on them. I fucking hate anchovies. I don't want that fucking slop on my pizza. God dammit. I want pizza from Pizza Hut". At that point Chad said, "look dude, beggars can't be choosers". After he said that, most of the people had a smirk on their face and acted like he made the most important speech of all time. For Jeff, that comment was enough to put him over the edge. After Chad told him that beggers can't be choosers, Jeff quietly walked out and returned with his machine gun. He started firing at people and blood splattered everywhere. He shot Chad, first. He then killed the people who thought that what he said was so amusing and many of those were the same people that destroyed his boombox and beat the shit out of him for playing the song "I love to Have a Cock Shoved up my Asshole". As soon as Jeff started shooting people, many of the people realized that they should get the fuck out of there, so many people escaped, but a lot of them were wounded.

      Well, seeing that everybody was gone except for the bodies, Jeff was starving, so he took Chad's body and he cut him up into little bitty pieces, including his dick and he cooked it on the stove there. The only thing is, Jeff told him that he was going to cook him when he was alive. Oh well. Jeff wasn't able to enjoy eating Chad as much as his boss because he was afraid that one of the people who escaped would call the police on him so he had to eat fast. Jeff realized that people taste better than pizza with anchovies, any day. As soon as Jeff got done eating Chad, he realized that he had better get the fuck out of there quick because the police were on their way. Thanks to Hurricane Dick, the people who escaped could not call the police, fire department or paramedics, because Dick knocked out all the phone lines and there was no communication, so he was able to escape in plenty of time before the police would find out. Also, all the wounded people who escaped croaked because they could not call for help. Ah, who cares, South Florida is just paradise where nothing bad ever happens. Not! Well anyway, Jeff realized that people and the police would find out soon enough that he massacred a lot of people with a machine gun, so he decided to get the fuck out of Davie.

      Meanwhile, in Pompano Beach, things weren't that much better, if not worse for being so close to that landfill. Along Hammondville Road in Pompano Beach was a neighborhood that was loaded with crack houses, but Hurricane Dick came along and destroyed them all. The crack addicts didn't give a shit about their houses being destroyed by Dick. They just wanted to have that fix and they didn't know what to do. Well, Jeff decided to come to Pompano Beach and become a crack dealer and he sold crack out in the street so he could make enough money and get the fuck out of Shitville. He knew that he was ruining peoples' lives by selling crack, but they were addicted to crack and he was addicted to nice weather and he would do whatever it took to make a quick buck and get out of Shitville. Jeff made enough money to be able to buy a plane ticket to Minneapolis in just 2 days.

Well, how well do things go with Jeff's departure from Shitville?  Find out in Chapter VI