CHAPTER III

HAL HAS A RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE!

      Hal was so upset and worried about not having enough money for hurricane protection insurance, he didn't know what to do. What do a lot of people do when something bothers them? They take drugs. Jeff's father decided to take acid. Before he took acid, he felt like taking a shit real bad. He was saying to himself, "what should I do first? Take a shit or take acid. Ah fuck it. I can hold it in, I'll shit later, but I can't wait until I start tripping like I did back in the 1960s".

      Just as the acid was starting to kick in, Jeff's father's urge to take a shit was uncontrollable. He rushed into the bathroom, but before he took his shit he turned on the radio and listened to the Christian radio station. Can you imagine tripping on acid while listening to a Christian radio station, while taking a shit? The results can be very strange. On the radio, they were talking about the image of the Virgin Mary and Jesus appearing on Operation Rescue billboards, which proves that Jesus wants Operation Rescue to shut down abortion clinics. Well anyway, after Jeff's father takes a shit, he likes to look at the toilet paper to see what his shit looks like after he wipes himself. This time when he looked, he could not believe what he saw. He saw the image of the Virgin Mary, Jesus and Pat Robertson on the toilet paper with his shit on it!

      If that wasn't strange enough, he heard the Virgin Mary talking and this is what she had to say. "Goddamn motherfucker shit, I had to go through the pain of childbirth without having the joy of having a man ramming his cock up my cunt, first. That was so unfucking fair. At least every other woman who had to go through this shit got to go through the pleasure of getting fucked first".

      If that wasn't strange enough, he then heard Jesus talking to him and he was cussing him out. This is what Jesus had to say: "You are a real douchbag you fucking asshole. You fucked over your son by dragging him to Shitville you fucking scumbag. You are going to pay for this". After that, Jesus laughed at him.

      Then Pat Robertson started talking to him and this is what he had to say: "It sounds like Jesus is pissed at you. There is only one way he will forgive you. I know you have $800. If you send me the $800, Jesus will love you. I know you don't have enough money to get hurricane protection insurance. Don't worry, you live in Davie, Florida, which is a Christian community. Jesus will protect your house from a hurricane, but you must send me the $800 or he won't".

      After Pat Robertson was done talking to him, The Virgin Mary came back and this is what she had to say: "Oh baby, I want you to stick your face up my twat and eat me good" He got very horny after she said that, so he stuck his face in the toilet paper with his shit on it and started eating out Mary's pussy and he started beating off. This is what Mary said just before Hal was getting ready to cum, while she was moaning: "Ooh baby eat me, eat me good. Oh shoot your cum in my face baby". After he came in the toilet paper with his shit on it, the image of the Virgin Mary, Jesus and Pat Robertson disappeared. Talk about having a religious experience!

      Jeff's father was amazed that the image of the Virgin Mary and Pat Robertson appeared on the toilet paper with his shit on it. He really enjoyed eating out the Virgin Mary's cunt and he was inspired that Pat Robertson had talked to him, but he didn't really believe what Jesus told him and he couldn't understand how someone who had never sinned, which was Jesus would use profanity and cuss him out. He knew he was right for dragging his son to Shitville against his will and nobody was gonna try to tell him that he's wrong, including Jesus! But later on, he was very nervous because he felt that he must have really done something terrible to have a saint like Jesus get really pissed off at him, so he realized he was wrong for dragging Jeff to Shitville against his will and he was going to move back to Minneapolis, right? Wrong. He remembered what Pat Robertson said and he sent him $800. Of course he was more worried about his house being protected from a hurricane, than he was about ruining Jeff's life.

      Hal was so fascinated with seeing the Virgin Mary, Jesus and Pat Robertson on the toilet paper with his shit on it, he decided to tell Meg, Jeff and Tiffany about it and he even showed them the piece of toilet paper that had his shit on it. Tiffany told him that he was gross. Jeff said to him, "you have the nerve to tell me that I'm weird". His wife said "honey, the Virgin Mary, Jesus and Pat Robertson have enough couth, than to appear on toilet paper with your shit on it, especially with the way it stinks so bad, and did you masturbate into the toilet paper with your shit on it? I see sperm on the toilet paper too". He said, "honey, that's not sperm, it's snot. See, I was holding the piece of toilet paper, looking at the Virgin Mary, Jesus and Pat Robertson and I sneezed and that was the only thing I had to sneeze into or I would have sneezed on the floor and got snot all over the place". For some reason, she did not believe him and she said, "honey, if I was holding a piece of toilet paper with your shit on it, I wouldn't sneeze, I would puke my guts out"!

      Jeff's father was so amazed about his "religious experience", he decided to call up his favorite South Florida tabloid news station, Channel 7, and tell them that he saw the image of the Virgin Mary, Jesus and Pat Robertson on the toilet paper with his shit on it. They told him that he was a sicko and they would not do a story about it. He could not understand why they were so mean to him. They had reports about people who claim that they saw the Virgin Mary and Jesus appearing on a tree, in waterfalls, and on the statues of the Virgin Mary. He could not understand why they wouldn't accept the claim that he saw the Virgin Mary, Jesus and Pat Robertson on toilet paper with his shit on it. He also called the National Enquirer and told them that he saw the image of the Virgin Mary, Jesus and Pat Robertson on toilet paper with his shit on it and they told him that he was sick too and they would not do a report about it.

       Also there is an old belief that as soon as the Virgin Mary was no longer a virgin, that it would give Satan the power to take over the world. Satan would have the most power in the part of the world where the Virgin Mary lost her virginity, which was South Florida! That's all because Jeff's father ate out the Virgin Mary's pussy on the toilet paper with his shit on it! Wait a minute, hasn't Satan been controlling South Florida all along with all the fucked up people who live there? Well, because Hal ate out the Virgin Marry's pussy on the toilet paper with his shit on it, the trouble didn't begin in South Florida. It began in some country in Africa during the month of August after once again as it turns out, the United States Government lied to the people by saying the reason that they sent troops there was because they care about hungry people and to give them food and of course, when the government sent troops to there, most people went "duh" and decided to support it and believed everything the media and the government told them. If the government cared about feeding hungry people, then why didn't they feed all the hungry people in the United States first, before sending people to Africa? The real reason our government sent troops there was they discovered oil and Fidel Castro invaded that country and the government decided not to tell anyone about it. Well, as it turns out, the United Stated ended up getting into a full scale war there.

       What happened in Africa would cause something to happen that would fuck up South Florida, bigtime. The bombing in that country was fierce and intense. Agent Orange was also used. The bombing was so intense, with so much smoke, it went up into the atmosphere and it caused clouds to form. It then started raining, causing the Agent Orange to fall to the ground causing people to get sick and fucked up. The storm began to move west across Africa until it went out into the Atlantic Ocean. During the whole path of the storm, people were getting fucked up and dying from having the rain with Agent Orange dropped on them.

      Once the storm crossed into the Atlantic, it would fuck things up more, not less. The storm got stronger until it became a tropical depression and on August 28, Tropical Storm Dick was formed! By August 30, Dick became a Hurricane. Dick started out as a category 1 hurricane, but as time went on and on, Dick continued to get bigger and bigger. He became a category 2 hurricane, then a category 3 hurricane, then a category 4 hurricane and by September 2, Dick became so big, he was a category 5 hurricane. Dick also managed to become the biggest and most powerful hurricane in the history of the world with 666 mile per hour winds.

       The National Hurricane Center was following Dick and people in South Florida were starting to get nervous, especially the people in Homestead. Where was Dick headed to? You guessed it. South Florida. On September 2 Hurricane Dick was headed in the direction of South Florida, but everyone was hoping that Dick would not come to South Florida. On September 3, the National Weather Service issued a Hurricane watch for South Florida and it was beginning to appear that it would be inevitable that South Florida would get hit with the storm. By the end of that day, people were rushing out to buy water, batteries, and wood to board up their houses, because Dick was coming.

     By September 4, a hurricane warning was issued for South Florida. Dick was going to come and there was nothing that anyone could do to stop him from coming. What were Jeff's mother and father, Jeff and Tiffany doing to get ready for Dick? Jeff was really pissed off that he was going to have to deal with Hurricane Dick. He said to his mother, "I wouldn't have to go through this shit if we were still living in Minneapolis". His mother said, "the same thing could happen there too". Jeff said, "you stupid fucking cunt, when was the last fuckin time Minneapolis got hit with a hurricane"? Of course she said, "they don't get hurricanes, but they get tornados." Jeff said, "Hurricane Andrew caused more fuckin damage than anything in history including tornados, you arrogant stupid shit for brains fucking cunt". Meanwhile, Jeff's father wasn't worried about the hurricane because Jesus would protect him because he sent Pat Robertson $800.

      Tiffany didn't give a shit about Hurricane Dick coming either because she was so upset about not making the cheerleading squad. While other people were getting ready for Dick to come, Tiffany was pacing back and forth, pissing and moaning about not making the cheerleading squad. She then got a call from Mrs. Robinson who was the gym teacher that rejected her from making the cheerleading squad. It turns out that one of the other cheerleaders died from anorexia and she called Tiffany for a replacement. However, there were strings attached. Mrs. Robinson told Tiffany that if she wanted to make the cheerleading squad, she would have to engage in a lesbian sex act in the back seat of her car, in the middle of Hurricane Dick, and she told her to either do it during the hurricane or she would never have another chance to make the cheerleading squad. Well, the deal really didn't have strings attached, it had cunts attached. Well anyway, Tiffany thought that having to engage in a lesbian sex act was disgusting, but she wanted to make the cheerleading squad so bad, she was willing to do anything. She figured that she's been willing to let guys fuck her ever since she was 7 years old. Why not try having a woman fuck her? So she decided to do it.

      While Tiffany would ride out the storm by engaging in a lesbian sex act with Mrs. Robinson, in the back seat of a car during the middle of the Hurricane Dick, Jeff, and his parents were going to go to a hurricane shelter at the Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church in Fort Lauderdale. Tiffany also left the house without telling her parents when she would be back or where she was going. After Tiffany left the house, Jeff's mother had a strange experience. Because Jeff's father saw the Virgin Mary, Jesus and Pat Robertson on the toilet paper with his shit on it, he felt that, that piece of toilet paper was quite valuable, so he left it on the dresser in their bedroom. Having to walk by that piece of toilet paper was enough to make her wanna vomit. She wanted to flush the toilet paper down the toilet but Jeff's father told her that if she did that, he would kill her. Well anyway, something strange happened when she walked past that toilet paper with his shit on it. The Virgin (no longer a virgin) Mary appeared and said, "your husband ate out my twat", and she started laughing. Meg was so upset, she took the piece of toilet paper and flushed it down the toilet. She was so upset, she forgot about Hurricane Dick coming.

       As Dick was getting closer to coming, Jeff was spending the day working at his wonderful job at Eckerd Drugs. While Jeff was still at work, his father went into the bedroom and noticed that the piece of toilet paper with his shit on it was gone. He asked his wife, "where the fuck is my piece of toilet paper, bitch"? She said "you bastard, you cheated on me by eating out the Virgin Mary's twat and she told me. I hate your fucking guts so I flushed it down the toilet". After she said that he was so upset with her, he started beating the shit out of her. Now that's what a good Christian does. Well anyway, after he stopped beating the shit out of her, she said to him, while crying hysterically, "I did so many things for you, you fucking prick and that's how you treat me? By beating me and cheating on me. Well, I'm going to leave you. I even gave up being a Jew for your bullshit Christian religion and you repay me by beating me, cheating on me and taking drugs. You're a good Christian allright. I'm going to leave you and I'm going to go back to being a Jew again and if you don't like it, you can go fuck yourself"! Well, for Hal, the truth is hard to swallow, so he beat the shit out of her some more and banged her head against the toilet until she was knocked unconscious. Then, he stuck her head in the toilet and drowned her. All that excitement was almost enough to make you forget that a hurricane was on the way, but Dick was still coming toward South Florida.

       As soon as Jeff's father got done killing his mother, Jeff came home and he panicked. Of course Jeff's father killed his mother in the bathroom and as soon as Jeff got home he told his father to get out of the bathroom because he had to take a piss. At that point, he really panicked. He decided to take Jeff's mother's corpse and put it in the closet in the bathroom. Then Jeff went into the bathroom to take a piss and man, was Hal nervous, but he decided that if Jeff finds her body, he would just kill him too. Well anyway, Jeff didn't go into the closet to see his mother's body there. Jeff did ask his father why there was blood all over the bathroom. He said to him, "your mother is on the rag and she was in a bad mood, so she decided to get even with me by menstruating all over the bathroom". Jeff also asked him where his mother was. He told him that because she was on the rag, she was suffering from menstrual cramps, so she went out to the drug store to get Midal.

      Well, seeing that Jeff's father killed his mother, he told Jeff that he and his mother didn't want to go to the hurricane shelter and that they were going to ride the storm out at home. He also told him that because he gave $800 to Pat Robertson, that Jesus was going to protect his house from Dick. Jeff said, "yea right". Well, even though Jeff's parents decided to stay home and ride out the storm (actually his mother left home and this planet permanently) Jeff wasn't sure which would be worse, riding out the hurricane at home with his parents or going to the Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church which was a place that he detested for their right wing views. He decided to ride out the storm at the Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church because at least there, he could vandalize the place. He was planning on taking a shit and a piss right in the chapel. After he got there, there was a bit of a problem with his plan. The place was jammed with people and Jeff could not piss and shit while people were watching him. The only vandalizing he was able to do that he could get away with was he drew a picture of a penis with Dan Quayle's face on it in one of the stalls in the bathroom. That would offend a lot of people, especially because Dan Quayle spoke at that very same church about "moral values". He also took a few condoms with him so he would beat off in them in the bathroom stall. Then he left them throughout the church when nobody was looking and that wasn't the easiest thing to do, considering that there were thousands of people there. He also made a glory hole in one of the bathroom stalls at that church. Jeff may have hated South Florida because of the fucked up shitty weather that they have, but at least he has creative ways to ride out hurricanes!

       By 10:00 on the night of September 4, the presence of hurricane Dick was starting to be felt in South Florida. It was starting to rain heavily and get very windy, but that was nothing in comparison to the 666 mile per hour winds they would experience when the eye of Dick comes ashore. The National Weather Service announced that the Eye of Hurricane Dick was expected to come ashore at 3:00 in the morning on September 5 in Homestead.

     Hal believed that the reason why the eye of the storm was expected to hit Homestead was because he sent $800 to Pat Robertson which caused the Lord to divert the direction of the storm, so Davie would miss the brunt of the storm. Well apparently, someone in Homestead sent Pat Robertson $801 which means that Dick had a change of heart and he decided to change his course of direction unexpectedly. This is what Dick had to say: "I can't fuck Homestead because someone sent $801 to Pat Robertson, which would cause the power of God to weaken my strength, besides Andrew fucked Homestead good. I think I'll fuck Broward County instead. Because someone only sent Pat Robertson $800 in Broward County means the Lord doesn't love Broward County as much, which would give me a lot more power". At that point, there is nothing else that could be done because Dick was about to come and shoot his load all over South Florida!

I know that you are in suspense, so you will find out what happens when Dick shoots his load all over South Florida in Chapter IV