In early childhood, grammar school days, I was always meticulously clean and was made aware of my pretty looks. My fingernails were pretty & I was very conscious of this. I sometimes think I had a traumatic experience and began to bite my nails. It could have been a psychological reaction to my nails being feminine. Adults would stare at me and compliment me on my pretty looks, especially my legs, saying that I'd make a beautiful girl. Through the teen years the prettiest girls would stare at me in school and blush, being very attracted to me. This made me very shy, as I was embarrassed. I actually had my first girlfriend in 3rd grade and we pledged marriage. To this day we remember and smile. I dated girls 3 or 4 yrs older than me and very pretty. I dated Miss Photography who appeared on the Mags' cover. She was in 12th grade and I was in 8th. Her body was very curvacious and magnificent. The first time we necked in the back seat of a car and I felt her body I wished that her body was mine! I fantasized that I was her and she was making love to me. I usually did not ask the girls out, they were the aggressors.

I was always shy even around men especially in bathrooms and dressing rooms. I always had a well developed body. I was a gymnast and a dancer, streamlined, thin, solid. But I also had a high waist and big hips. I lifted weights to get even thinner and more defined and tried to lose my hips, but it was the bones not the fat. From lifting weights, gymnastics and dancing my breasts disappeared and I developed a very hard muscular chest of a dancer. I always had this subconscious feeling that there was something inside me that I didn't want anyone to find out and I tried not to talk too much for the fear of someone finding out. When I was young I didn't know why, but as a got older I knew, but didn't acknowledge it.

Whenever a joke was told in a group of men or talk of some football game or another mainstream sport I felt subconscious that they would find out that I felt like a woman. I wasn't sure what I was. I was not gay. I was living in denial as to what I was and am. I wanted a normal life.

I always had feminine interests. Never watched sports on TV. I was a 3 letter "man" in school, very popular and president of my graduating class. I participated in tennis, swimming, gymnastics, and track - all sports that women excel. I love to entertain and I am a gourmet cook. I love to go to the Ballet, other dance performances and the Opera. I have an appreciation for all performing and fine arts.

I have always been fashion conscious all my life. My clothes were custom made. I would buy clothes that were feminine. My first experience with woman's clothes was when I was about 7. I liked to wear my mothers' clothes esp. the underwear and put on makeup, lipstick.

My first experience with another man was when I was a few yrs older; I wasn't sure how I felt then as I thought it was wrong and didn't really like it, so I denied the experience.

In college, I became engaged to a beautiful girl. She liked to go to gay bars and so did I. I went with her a lot and I went alone. One time a guy in back of me began stroking my arms from the back. I dared not turn around, but I was more sexually excited then than I had been in my entire life. I knew then! I thought of myself as a woman and I was scared to death. I did not consider myself gay. I began to have more experiences with men. I thought of myself as a straight woman and not a gay man. I have been attracted to woman and straight men but preferred women. I always played the woman role in bed, but I was in torment and went in denial. One time before we were engaged, one of my fiancé's close male friends took me to bed. He told her that I was a Greek. I think she knew but didn't care. She and I were very much in love.

My first year in college I had a part time lover. He was a drag queen. When we were in bed I was the woman even then. He played the man role. I still wasn't sure and was scared. During this time, at one of my parties while some of my friends were having sex,I and a pre-op TS went into the bedroom, got in bed together and just hugged each other, talked and laughed just like 2 teenage girls would do at a slumber party. We both were, by our friends, considered very attractive. We didn't know what else to do nor did we want to do anything else. She went on to be one of the first post op TS's, was very pretty, a nightclub was named after her and she became famous. I sometimes wished I would have done what she did then, but I was terrified of what could happen to my life if I did. Overwhelming guilt and fear.

After I was married I tried to totally block out my womanish feelings. My wife was very sexy and gorgeous, which I was attracted to. I wanted a body like hers. When she wasn't home I would wear her clothes, even venturing outside when I had the nerve. We had a good affluent life. I had a prestigious job and was on an elaborate expense account. We went out almost every nite to the best restaurants and entertainment spots in Chicago. We stayed married for about 4 years and towards the end when we were having marital problems I began to hang out in bars with my co-workers and had a sexual affair only one time with a man and also only one time with a woman. I couldn't handle this. I felt very guilty that I was with someone else other than my wife and I thought I was sick because I kissed a man and necked as a woman. I came home one day and told my wife that I had slept with someone else, I felt horrible and my knees collapsed and I fell to the floor. I really did love her and I didn't want to hurt her, but I couldn't live with it. She became enraged, screamed and ran out of our apartment. We then got a divorce. I then hung out at night in the gay community; though I didn't consider myself gay. Most woman even then were very attracted to me. They always asked me out and I went out with them. I went to gay clubs almost every night. I changed careers and moved to NYC. My job had a lot of perks. I had a large gorgeous 3 room suite at the Plaza at my disposal which I used to entertain clients and friends and family from out of town. I had wonderful parties there. I also had a chaeuffeur and a limousine for my use. The chauffeur loved to take the car and go out with me to call on my clients and on my dates. Later, I started my own business and became "successful" living in Manhattan and traveling throughout Europe. I thought I couldn't be happier, making plenty of money, owning a new Jaguar, in NYC yet, having friends, dining in the finest restaurants, entertaining elaborately at home, and enjoying the nightlife that NYC has to offer. I was a member of the NYC Opera Guild, subscribed to cultural institutions such as the Met, Lincoln Center, various art museums and was invited to formal openings and premieres. Throughout these years I lived mostly a straight life, knowing that there was always something that was not right, missing. But I again totally denied my feminine desires, except on those occasions when the desire manifested itself strongly to be a girl. I would call up girlfriends of mine that knew and go out with them as a woman. Afterwards I would block out the experience.

As an outside interest I began taking dance lessons, ballet, modern and jazz. I became a lead dancer and all the girls and guys wanted to partner with me. I used to look at all the girls in class and wished I had a body like them. I wished for breasts and larger hips and tried to hide the little that was between my legs as best as I could. The school put me on a scholarship. I lost a lot of weight, developed a dancer's body and again began to have affairs with men as well as woman. I didn't quite understand why I had this body, but I was terrified. I tried to be normal and went in denial once again. I really was not sure what I was or which sex I was attracted to.

Years went by and I became even shyer. I lived mostly a straight life but my friends always wondered. I became withdrawn and very quiet and didn't know why. Even one friend knick named me Woodstock after the peanuts character. Now I know that I was just afraid to be myself for fear that I would give myself away as a woman and would be laughed at and my life would be ruined. I used to go into the dept stores and have my face made up by cosmeticians and they said I had the body of a woman, thin waist,125 lbs., 5'9" and I had a curvaceous body.

I was terrified of losing everything because of what I may be and I wanted a family. I feared that if I transitioned, which at that time, I couldn't even imagine, I would never be approved for surgery, never even thought about it, and would spend the rest of my life impoverished, friendless, and unloved. Faced with that prospect, I tried to reconcile myself to living as a man and I forced myself into denial, became lonely & desperate; met another girl who attracted me and we were married. She was pretty, but I didn't realize how selfish and self centered she was. She hurt, embarrassed and humiliated me in public many times by flirting and worse and we split up. I won't go into detail, it was horrible. After we split up, she came into my office upset one day, said she lost her job, later told me she was pregnant and told me I was the father. I thought about it and decided that maybe she will change, possibly save me from what I may be. I was getting older and always wanted a family and I took a chance and we were married. It was a rocky marriage from the beginning. She was cruel, evil and abusive to me, which affected all facets of my life, including my business. Outside of the home she was well-liked by our friends. As Twerski reveals in his book on abuse, they can be saints in the community and monsters in the home. That's the main reason why no one believes the horror that I went through. I developed low self esteem and image. It lasted for about ten years. I now know that I was actually tolerating my wife's abuse by punishing myself all those years due to the guilt that I felt. The one good thing that happened was that we had a beautiful, wonderful son. Angelic. He was just like me in many ways, when I was a child.

I would buy womens clothes and wear them in secret. I had to hide them when I wasn't wearing them. Every few months or so I felt so guilty that I would throw them out and try to live a normal life as a man. I began to wear them out in public and also with girlfriends that knew how I felt. I have spent thousands of dollars on womens clothes only to throw them out when the guilt became overpowering. Please click on link below to continue with biography page 2, coming out and transitioning.

BIOGRAPHY PAGE 2