My wife's friends that she met through our children knew nothing about me, except what my wife told them, which I can imagine was probably disparaging to say the least. I truly now believe that she wanted to destroy me from the beginning, G-d knows why. I was afraid for my life. It was horrifying. By becoming religious I blocked out all other thought processes, the hurt, and became selfless again. My wife and life inside the home was tortuous, except when I was with my son. After her last brutal physical attack, I went into shock, couldn't defend myself and was forced to involve the police, at their insistence, and a protection from abuse order was issued and she was not allowed back in the house nor within so many feet of me. After this last one, when she wasn't allowed near me, I didn't leave my son's side for months. I was worried for his well being. I wanted to make sure that he would be OK. His welfare was paramount! I didn't care about anything else. I felt lucky to be alive. I thank G-d that my son is now OK. And I pray to G-d that he never marries a woman like his mother and goes through the heinous experiences of humiliation, abuse and torture. There is a word in Jewish "Emmess" that means the real truth, and that is what I have revealed in this paragraph. Please refer to Twerski, M.D.

After about six months after we separated I slowly began to be aware of myself, though my son was still the only factor I cared about. Since we now share custody, when he was not with me I began to let my feminine desires surface and I became more aware of the problem that I would be facing. I slowly began to emerge so to speak. I shaved off my mustache that I had for years. The desires became increasingly apparent and I began to dress more as a woman. Inside I felt that I was a woman. The classic case of a woman trapped in a man's body. But I was still afraid to let it all go for the fear of being destroyed and losing my son. I coped with this daily. Had suicide thoughts. The desire to become a total woman outside as well became increasingly strong and I began to go out every night as a woman. This made me feel natural; it was not a sexual turn on. I began to feel more uncomfortable as a man. I became more aware of my masculine body and felt disgusted when I looked in the mirror. I had no breasts and what I had between my legs that I didn't want,it felt unnatural and I wanted to get rid of it. My sex life was almost celibate, but when I had sex with women I didn't want to get hard and I didn't want them to touch me. I was always on the bottom and fantasized that I had I vagina and was having sex as a woman. I had sex with men, but very few. I was not gay. I began searching the net for help and found sources like TGForum that made me realize that I am not a freak and that I should do something about it. I began to talk to others who had similar feelings. I began to see doctors, took psychological tests that revealed that I am a transsexual, and started taking female hormones under a doctors' care. I have been told by medical professionals that the latest information is that being a TS is genetic.

When I accepted myself as a TS, I began to feel really happy. My personality opened up, my shyness disappeared totally and I began to talk and act freely with other people. I became much more gregarious and fun loving. I always loved people and now I could let my true emotions out. It was wonderful and people reacted positively telling me they thought I was beautiful inside and out. People began to gravitate towards me as my true self became more apparent. I have been told by many that I am brilliant, smart, sophisticated, elegant and classy. Particularly, people tell me that I am very attractive, sexy, even a knockout. I still have doubts about what sex I am and what sex I am truly attracted to, but I am trying to cope with these feelings as hard as that may be. Also love is very important to me. Hopefully that will come. I also love children, though at this stage in my life , having more is not in the cards..unless adoption to give them a better life is possible...

I told my two sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles, my Rabbis and friends. One of my sisters will not talk to me; she hasn't answered my calls, emails or pleas in 5 years since I told her. She has never told me why????I will not give up until I get an answer. Most of my friends are very supportive and caring of my welfare. My other sister still meets girls from my school days and when she told them, they all said that I was always gorgeous and weren't surprised.

I revealed to my 11-yr. old son everything. I was very nervous and upset, crying and I pored my heart out to him. I was afraid I would lose him, that he would get mad, leave and go to his mother. I told him that I couldn't lie to him anymore. We have a special relationship that is very loving. He didn't care one iota. He said "Daddy, I know you want to be a woman." He appeared in fact relieved, because he knew something was going on. We are very close. He is fantastic and an ideal child. He wanted a snake as a pet for the last few months and since he accepted my TS stature so naturally I agreed to look into buying one. I bought him a python, a 15" baby that will grow to 5-6 feet. He loves it. He jokes, "Dad, they will really think you're weird now, a transsexual with a python." Of course in time I gave the python back to the pet shop. My son is wonderful. However, when he was 13 he decided to live with his mother. When I look at some of the photos of him alone or together with me when he was a toddler, and see how happy he was, I can't handle the guilt and shame of being a TS. I go into fits of guilt, crying in agony. "How can I do this to him?? He needs a real father. I prey to G-d that whatever happens to me, my son forgives me", for being a TS. If he only knew the truth, how I feel, and the psychological trauma, through all of life, of being a transsexual. Very few of us make it through the transition successfully. We find it difficult, if not impossible, to make a living, so some resort to prostitution or worse.

Even though it now feels more natural, the only masculine thing I miss is standing when going to the bathroom. But it is a pain when traveling. Public womens rooms on traveling vehicles and at train stations and other large public areas leave a lot to be desired. And wearing pantyhose doesn't help. -

A few years ago, I was attacked and almost died because of my being TS. I had broken ribs and welts all over my body, esp. in the neck, the breast near the heart and cuts on my legs. According to the doctor in the hospital, he tried to kill me and if someone didn't come to my rescue he would have beaten me to death. He was crazed. I did nothing to deserve this. I didn't know him and he didn't know me. He thought I was a woman when he looked at me and as I was discheveled then later said that I was a man and went crazy. I didn't have time to defend myself. We weren't having sex or anything like that. In fact I was talking to another person. I still have permanent scars on my legs and have to wear makeup on my legs to conceal them.

I wanted to be a full time 24/7 woman, but promised myself that I must be accepted in the business world first, not just socially, as a woman. That meant getting a job, as an adjunct to my business, as a woman. My therapist disagreed with this, she felt that I already was a woman, but I thought it was very important to me and my son would see that I can survive and that being a woman is natural for me. As I was told over and over again "Nobody will hire a transsexual." I had to disprove this, find a job as a woman. I did find it extremely difficult. When I revealed my TS stature, they were prejudicial. It didn't mean diddlely squat that my qualifications proved that I would be exceptional, and I would take the job for less money, and they would have hired me if for that one stigma!! I have been turned down many times because of being TS, even though I am attractive and pass. My therapist says that some people may stare at me not because I am a TS, but because I am an attractive woman. I have been successful in the business world as a man and want to continue as a woman in that vein. When interviewing I face the problem of applications and stating my legal name so they can check references and degrees. It is a little embarrassing. I have to get my name changed, driver's license, etc. legally. I am working on this. After six months of searching and heartache, I finally got a job, to supplement my business, as a full time woman, and am now 24/7. Update....I now have a new driver's license with my female identity and a new birth certificate. But, once again, a few years later, I am under constant financial stress to earn a living! I have gone through experiences in job hunting that most would find intolerable. Prejudices abound.

Previously, at work I was one of the girls. I love them and all of them love me. Every morning when I arrive they all come into my office to see what I am wearing. They compliment me on my looks and clothes all the time. I have been working for a couple of months now and haven't worn the same outfit twice. I work in a fashion conscious environment which I dearly enjoy. See above for update.

Transitioning mostly is a wonderful time. Even though I am middle aged I feel as though I am a teenage girl going through puberty. The only drawbacks are wishing I had done this much earlier and being poor. Every day your confidence builds and you become better at all the feminine wiles like applying makeup, changing your voice and feminine mannerisms. I get compliments every day from women and men telling me how beautiful and attractive I am. But two early experiences I will share with you boosted my ego more than you could imagine. A few yrs ago, summer was approaching and I went shopping in a designer disc. store, Daffy's. I saw bathing suits on sale and it was time for me to consider wearing one on the beach. I picked out a few and proceeded to the womens dressing room. The 2 attendants said to go right in and if I needed help they would help me. They thought I was a natural woman. To my amazement there were no stalls, just a large open room with mirrors all around. There were a dozen or so women in there basically in bra and panties trying on clothes. I first waited for a reaction. No one thought I was any different. I began to realize that I have to take off my clothes in front of them to try on the suits and my heart began to pound at what could happen. I said Oh, what the heck, I'm one of the girls now. I began to take off my dress and was standing there in a lace bra and bikini panties. I froze and waited. To my amazement again, they all thought I was a natural woman. In fact one of the women complimented me on my figure. I began trying on the suits and one of the women said that I looked so beautiful in one of the suits that I just had to take that one, and I did. I joked with two of the women about the fit of the suits on some women and we laughed. I was having such a good time that I stayed in there for more than an hour trying on suits. I bought a few including a bikini. I was standing there almost naked and passed in front of a dozen women!!!I felt fantastic, like a queen! The 2nd,I fell in love with a Victorian lace gown by Jessica McClintock that I saw in a resale shop. When I tried it on, it fit like a 12 below the waist and a 4 above. I knew the manager and he knew I loved the dress. He said take it to a dressmaker and he will trust me to see if she can alter for me. When I got to the dressmaker, who I didn't know, she said to go into the fitting room and she went in with me. I took off my dress and stood there in bra and pantyhose,no panties. She looked at me first and then said to try the dress on. She moved the dress and her hands all over my body, taking it off and on; she said it will be difficult to alter. I said that was probably because I used to be a man. She thought I was kidding. Then I looked her right in the eye knowingly and she was shocked. She said she never would have guessed. I felt fantastic. I passed in my bra and hose while a dressmaker is fitting me!!! How wonderful. Since then we became friends. I wish I didn't have to wear makeup, but for now I will. All these experiences are wonderful during the transition phase. I am hit on by a lot of men who want to go out with me. Some even approach me on the street and tell me how beautiful I am and plead with me to ask me out. I get scared and have to turn them down very nicely. This is driving me crazy. The other difficulties are career related and partner hunting. I also have excruciating, painful guilt, suicidal episodes, about how I have hurt my son. I think about him throughout every day. I love him so much. If I could, somehow, G-d help me, I would be a man for him again. I love him so much. I have my doubts, still in conflict, but mostly I am confident that those difficulties will be resolved. One of my favorite expressions is from Auntie Mame.."Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death Live!!!..Live!!!...Live!!!. And from a heinous period in history. The Holocaust..."NEVER AGAIN"..I will never again under any circumstance tolerate personal abuse, mental nor physical.To me the simple joys are most important...life..love..truth..family and home. MY SON. OH!!MY DEAR SON!! If only he would know how I feel. I can't bear the thought of hurting him ever again or losing him. I would do anything to erase the hurt that he must feel. I miss him so....And to be granted like everyone else your inalienable rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

"It occured to me early this morning, after staying up all night studying, that you might find meaning in the idea that a possible reason Hashem lent you a seamingly mismatched set of tools for the first few decades of life was to facilitate the entry into the world of Sir Son, which would not have been possible otherwise. That mission accomplished, you're expected to trade them in for a more compliant set and move on to your next set of challenges. Just a thought that I'm sure has already occurred to you".



My present goals and desires are just to work successfully and live out my life as a woman . I love people, especially children. If I could do it all over again, I would go into the medical profession, either in pediatrics or psychiatry. I also like to help people in their life's endeavors, whether personal or professional. I would ideally like to eventually have a loving relationship and if possible adopt a few children from less fortunate countries to give them a home and a good life, but all that seems highly doubtful, only a dream.

I cannot imagine any experience in life greater than carrying a baby to term and giving birth. Every time I see a young mother with an infant or toddler I feel a lump in my throat, an ache in my heart wishing it was me and wondering why it wasen't and an overwhelming joy for her. I have always loved children and family life. Nothing is more important.

In closing, I would like to reiterate the words of someone who I loved that recently died of cancer. When I came out as a TS to a dear friend who also was my personal attorney, he said, "gina, it makes no difference whatsoever to me what you are, I know you, I love you. As far as I'm concerned you are one of the nicest people I know and you are the best father that I have ever known. You are doing nothing wrong legally and you are allowed to live your life in any way you choose. I will always love you, G-d bless you gina." ....And G-d bless you Stuart...Miss you...