Things I've Learned Climbing in Colorado

These are all real.  Don't let them happen to you too.  Comments welcome...

  If you�re short on time, hike on cloudy moonless nights.  You�ll go faster without the scenery to distract you.

  If you�re on a 40degree snow pitch in a whiteout snowstorm and your mitten blows away, laugh.  Don�t attempt to recover it.

  If you�re on top of a steep icy backcountry col and just can�t decide if you want to ski it, toss your pack down in front of you.  Ensure your car keys are dummy-corded inside the pack.  Remember to take your ski boots out before you toss the pack.

  Tents are for sissies.  They put an artificial barrier between you and the nature you�re trying to commune with.

  If you encounter a dangerous section while descending a knife ridge, descend any snowfield.  They always run safely to the bottom of the adjacent valley.

  If you�re climbing a mixed rock/ice technical route with lots of exposure, don�t use protection.  This is the only way you�ll get better at it.

  If you come across footsteps in the wilderness, always follow them.  Odds are they are headed to your destination anyway.

  It�s okay to bring the wrong map.  If you�re good, you can orient the map�s terrain features to fit where you are.

  Threatening dark grey clouds appear soft and fluffy from within.

  When climbing on unknown extreme terrain with slabby loose rock, put your least experienced person in front.  Encourage him to make mistakes.  It�s the only way he�ll learn.

  Switchbacks are a waste of time.  Everyone knows the shortest path is a straight line.

  Sunscreen is a nasty, greasy, dirt-attracting waste of time.  How many people do you know that died of sunburn?

  For food only take 2 packets of Lipton soup.  If you�re still hungry, eat grass.  Cows have been doing it for thousands of years and they get along fine.

  When leaving return-no-later-than plans with friends at home, add a full extra day to your trip plan to give you the chance to attempt self-extrication.

  Your best protection from wildlife in the backcountry is your ice ax.

  Throwing rocks and waving your arms wildly at wildlife reminds them that man is the dominant species on the planet.

  Asking "How high are we?" over and over gets you there faster and with less effort.

  If you run out of headlamp juice, ensure the person with the last working headlamp is the least well-oriented to the terrain.  Being lost, he�ll feel safer and more comfortable in control of the light.

  Always use rechargeable batteries in your headlamp.  They�re good for the 20 minutes of light you�ll need to get out of the deadfall & cliff-strewn ravine your point man led you into.

  When confronted with cold narrow shallow stream crossings, opt for the warmer wet, slippery log across the deep rapids.

  When you have a choice of two trails, head down the one that will make you a harder individual.

  Don�t take the water filter.  Technology has no place in the backcountry.

  Headaches are psychosomatic.  It�s your body�s way of telling you to stop taking water and rest breaks and to climb harder.

  Climbing hydrated just means having more body weight to haul up the hill.

  Postholing is an efficient, viable alternative to carrying snowshoes.

  When confronted with direct and indirect routes up the face, choose the direct.  Avalanches don�t kill people, people kill people.

  Sure, wool�s ability to wick and insulate looks good on paper, but we all know nothing beats cotton.

  Keep climbing.  There�ll be plenty of time to eat and sleep when you�re dead.

  Climbing in full-obscuration clouds is fun because it�s always a surprise when you reach the summit.

  Don�t get caught in highly localized cyclones above treeline.  400,000 volts sucks.