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A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Montreal, Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Montreal," the manager asked. The boy said, "Well sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." "Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Montreal!" The boy replied, "No kidding???? What position did she play?"

FAIRIES and FAILURES "The world holds two classes of men � intelligent men without religion, and religious men without intelligence." Abu'l-Ala-Al-Ma'arri � 973-1057 � Syrian poet "Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?" Douglas Adams "If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever." Woody Allen "To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." Woody Allen

"According to a new study from Italy, some women are actually able to hear with their breasts. Of course this is great for Italian men, because they talk with their hands." Jay Leno

IT'S A MAD WORLD "Outa my way idiots! I drive an SUV!"

MURDER YOUR SON "The men of the town must stone him to death" "Suppose a man has a stubborn, rebellious son who will not obey his father or mother, even though they discipline him. In such cases, the father and mother must take the son before the leaders of the town. They must declare: 'This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious and refuses to obey. He is a worthless drunkard.' Then all the men of the town must stone him to death. In this way, you will cleanse this evil from among you, and all Israel will hear about it and be afraid." Deuteronomy 21:18-21 NLT