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Two buddies, Jeff and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Jeff throws up all over himself. "Oh, no, Jane will kill me!!" Steve says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill." So they stay for another couple hours and get even drunker. Eventually Jeff rolls into home and Jane starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you puked all over yourself! My God you are disgusting!" Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Jeff says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everything! Ish not what you thinks, I only had a couple drinks! But this other guy got sick on me... He'd had one too many and couldn't hold his liquor! He said he was sorry an' gave me $20 for the cleaning bill!" Jane looks in his breast pocket, "But this is forty dollars!" "Oh yea," says Jeff, "I almost forgot! He shit in my pants too!"

SAVAGES and UGLY WOMEN "The missionaries go forth to Christianize the savages � as if the savages weren't dangerous enough already." Edward Abbey "Belief in the supernatural reflects a failure of the imagination." Edward Abbey "I rode into Salt Lake City prepared to do my journalistic duty and arouse the public ire against polygamy. However, when I saw how ugly were the Mormon women, I realized that the men who marry, not one, but many of them, are Latter Day Saints indeed and deserving of the praise and gratitude of all mankind." Mark Twain

"In a recent interview, Michael Jackson said he wants to have 10 children. He also said he wants to be a father again." Conan O'Brien

SHOW NO MERCY! "Fill its courtyards with the bodies of those you kill!" "Then I heard the LORD say to the other men, "Follow him through the city and kill everyone whose forehead is not marked. Show no mercy; have no pity! Kill them all � old and young, girls and women and little children. But do not touch anyone with the mark. Begin your task right here at the Temple." So they began by killing the seventy leaders. "Defile the Temple!" the LORD commanded. "Fill its courtyards with the bodies of those you kill! Go!" So they went throughout the city and did as they were told." Ezekiel 9:5-7 NLT