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| Episode 5 (Cut to a shot of Saruman�s lair. The film crew people are talking to him. They are frustrated at the Fellowship�s attempts to avoid cameras, and are paying Saruman to cause some good dramatic scenes that they can capture on film.) Film crew people (after watching the tape that the birds brought back): So, what do we do now? That was a nice shot, by the way, all the panicking and hiding� but it still lacks backstabbing and betrayal� Saruman: So, Gandalf you tried to lead them over Caradhras, and- Film crew: Hey, could you, like, cause an avalanche on the mountain or something? That would make a really cool shot� Saruman (continuing where he left off): -if that fails? If the mountain defeats you, what then? Will you risk the more dangerous road? (Cut to shot where everyone is walking along the edge of the cliff. They don�t mind the snow, because they hope that the moisture will wreck the cameras that everyone has on them. Then they realize the cameras are waterproof.) Legolas: There is a fell voice on the air� and it says that we can�t get voted out of the Fellowship! (He�s thinking �Oh crap� I was really looking forward to leaving this place��) (Everyone looks really bummed out) Gandalf: It�s Saruman! (Starts chanting some spell that no one can understand) (Cut to shot of Saruman standing atop Orthanc. The camera swoops around him for a really cool-looking shot. He, too, is chanting a spell that no one understands. The shot goes back to where everyone is standing on the cliff. A gigantic lightning bolt strikes the mountain, and snow comes crashing down.) Aragorn: He�s trying to bring down the mountain! (Everyone gets momentarily buried. Then they all un-bury themselves) Aragorn: We should turn back! Gandalf: No! We�d be recognized and followed! Boromir: Let us make for the Gap of Rohan, and take the west road to my city! Aragorn: The Gap of Rohan takes us too close to Isengard! The publicity there would be unimaginable! Gimli: If we cannot go over the mountain, let us go under it! Let us go through the Mines of Moria! It�s really dark! The cameras won�t be able to see anything! (Cut to shot of Saruman in Orthanc, reading a book with the film crew around him) Saruman: Moria� you fear to go into those mines. The dwarves delved too greedily and too deep. You know what they awoke in the darkness of- Film crew person (interrupts): Darkness?! Oh no, the night-vision cameras were destroyed! Whatever shall we do now? Saruman (gives film crew person an exasperated look): If you�d have let me FINISH, you would have heard that the dwarves awoke shadow and FLAME in the darkness of Khazad-D�m!!!!! Film crew person: Flame? Oh, well then, go on! Saruman (mutters something about �idiots and fools�) (Scene cuts to outside the mines) Gimli: The walls of Moria! Gandalf (brushing dirt off the doors): Let�s see� ah, ithildin! It mirrors only starlight and moonlight! (Outlines on the doors start glowing) (Cut back to Orthanc) Film crew person: Hey, could something dramatic happen here? You know, before they face the long dark of Moria and the four-day journey to the other side? Saruman: I already have it planned out� (Cut back to Moria, where Gandalf is really frustrated) Frodo: It�s a riddle! Speak friend and enter! What�s the elvish word for friend? Gandalf: Mellon! (The doors open, and everyone rushes inside) Gimli: This is the home of my cousin Balin! And they call it a mine! A Mine! Boromir: This is no mine� it�s a tomb! Legolas (removes an arrow from one of those dwarf skeletons): Goblins! (Everyone draws their weapons, completely oblivious to the slimy tentacle twisting itself around Frodo�s ankle. Frodo gets dragged toward the lake, but Sam cuts off the creature�s tentacle.) Sam: Strider! (Then, several dozen more tentacles pop out of the water, followed by a creature that could almost have been cute if it weren�t all slimy and carrying� a camera! Frodo tries to get out of the thing�s line of sight, but it picks him up and holds him in front of its camera. The Film crew instructed him to do this; they were really sick of Frodo always avoiding their cameras. The rest of the Fellowship starts attacking it, and it drops Frodo) Boromir: Legolas, hit its eye! It won�t be able to focus the camera properly then! Legolas (shoots the creature�s eye) (Everyone runs inside the Mines, and the creature destroys the doorway) (Cut back to Orthanc, where they�re using a palantir to see what�s going on) Film crew guy: Good, it�s following our instructions! Now they cannot get out! They�ll have no choice but to become part of TV history! (Gandalf realizes this too, and is trying to think of a way he can get out of this TV show) Gandalf: Be on your guard. It�s a four-day journey to the other side, and there are older and fouler things than orcs in the deep places of the world. (A plan starts forming in Gandalf�s head): |