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| Disclaimer: I do NOT own any of the characters or places mentioned. All belong ot the great mind of J.R.R. Tolkien. But you knew that, right? |
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| What if LOTR were reality TV? What if the LOTR movies were just recordings of some really, really old reality TV show? Sort of like a medieval �Survivor�? What I mean is, like, what if the people weren�t played by actors and all the characters and the story line were real and there just happened to be a film crew there to capture it? (I know this isn�t true, but humor me, �cause otherwise, this story�s going nowhere.) I think it would�ve gone something like this: Episode 1: Narrator: �Welcome to the all new hit FOX TV reality series, �The Fellowship of the Ring�. The Dark Lord Sauron is trying to take over and the only way to destroy him is to throw the One Ring back into the fiery chasm from whence it came. To survive, these people must cooperate with each other and form alliances in order to succeed. The last alliance almost worked, but then Sauron himself came and things just sort of fell apart.� (Cut to shot of last alliance) Gil-Galad to Isildur (Even though Gil-Galad is supposed to be dead- the whole death thing was a publicity ploy): �Hey, you�re planning on taking the Ring for yourself! You are such a backstabbing ****! Why don�t you just leave this mountain!� Elrond: �I tried to vote him off, but no one would listen to me! They didn�t want to make Elendil angry�� Gil-Galad: �I know. He has such a temper. Let�s vote him off next!� Elrond: �I agree!� Elendil (Even though he�s dead, too): �But you�re part of my Alliance! You said you were my friends�*sniff*� Narrator: �And whilst the alliance bickered among themselves, Sauron was able to come in and kill most of them. Maybe the next group will survive better�� (Shows narrator) Narrator: �All of the people in this show have given their permission for us to film this heroic quest. If this alliance manages to survive, the prize is an undisclosed amount of money. Now, they�ve all signed a liability waiver in case of accidental dismemberment, death, or insanity as result of prolonged exposure to Sauron�s ring. Isn�t that right, Saruman?� Saruman (holds up a bunch of forms all done in the same handwriting): �Yes, yes� It�s a pity that no one else could make it today, but what are you going to do?� Narrator: �We�ve also made some changes since last time. This show will be much faster paced and more exciting. No more of that annoying �let�s lay siege to Barad-Dur for seven years until Sauron finally decides to show up�. And so, let the quest begin!� (Shows Gandalf arriving in the Shire in his cart. Behind him is a team of people with cameras) Frodo: �It�s wonderful to see you, Gandalf! But� who are all these people?� Gandalf (Giving Frodo a sharp nudge with his elbow): �Don�t you remember the film crew of the all new hit FOX TV reality series, �The Fellowship of the Ring�? You know, the people that are going to film this whole mission, quest, thing for the entertainment of all the people 2000 years from now when television actually exists?� Gandalf (in an undertone): �Don�t blame me� It was Saruman�s idea� He said you�d signed a waiver�� Frodo (gives a blank stare, then jumps off Gandalf�s cart and runs away) Frodo (comes running back): �You�ve been officially labeled a �disturber of the peace� for bringing these television people here. We Hobbits are supposed to be living a quiet, simple, rural lifestyle, you know. You�re only messing with our entire culture�� (Cuts to shot of the inside of Bag End. Frodo is talking to the guy behind the camera that�s in charge of this whole operation. He has a slightly confused look on his face.) Frodo (Looking right into camera �cause that�s where the guy�s standing): �What must I do?� Film crew dude, �Just act natural. Pretend we aren�t even here.� Gandalf: �This is the One Ring forged by the Dark Lord Sauron in the fires of Mount-� Frodo (gesturing to film crew people): �Look, I�m sorry, but do they really need to be here for this? I mean, I just learned that evil incarnate is trying to take over the world and destroy everything I ever loved�� Film crew dude: �Just pretend we aren�t here.� Frodo: �But why do you have to film my every move?� Camera guy: �Look-� (Film abruptly cuts off) |