date: Novemeber 19, 2002
time: around 2:45...am
[Note from me: not really sure where I was going with this- guess just telling you what's been on my mind.]
Yup, writing again. It's been a little longer than I thought it would be for me to write here, but well, I've kinda been busy.
Yeah I just got back from West Virginia, and by god, that place is gorgeous, well, take away the inbreds, the poor city planning, and rotten buildings. It actually snowed while we were there, which was cool, I just wasn't really dressed for it. But the air, it is so fresh. Wilmington isn't really a big city at all, but even it has its share of nasty ass smog. Beckley seems to have avoided it. I had come to WV thinking I was gonna be bored out of my mind. I was the only person under 48 there. There's no decent shopping. Etc. ANd I didn't do anything spectacular.

BUT...I got a pleasant surprise. My uncle Dennis planned to surprise my g-parent's by just showing up on Friday. So he AND my uncle Jimmy came and shocked the hell out of them. It was really cool because my mom's siblings and parents haven't all been together for like, 25 years. I haven't seen my uncle Jimmy since well, let's say a long time. But anyways to get on with it. Let me describe my uncles and aunts for you.

They have names: Eileen, Jimmy, and Dennis. Then there's mom: Colleen. They are all quite witty and sarcastic. They are fuckin hilarious. Eileen, who I know the best is arty and crafty, so we talk about that stuff. Dennis is very conservative on the political front- he is very into that, and smart and freakishly patient. Jimmy is a cop and a drinker- for sure, but he's also very anti-social, until he gets warmed up. And when he gets over it, he says every damn thing thats on his mind. I feel sorry for the waiter that waited on us when we all went out to eat, Jimmy was constantly giving him a hard time. But yeah, I'm off on another tangent.

Saturday we had a sort of reuninon photo session, with a real art photographer. None of us are very photogenic, but I'll be interested to see how it turned out. Sunday they left. My family really is pretty damn cool, no stodgy stuck up asses, thank you. With the exception of say, my dad, but even he has some good points. What else happened up there, um, I slept, saw Harry Potter, and ate. Talked to my grandparents, etc. Hey, I'm easily entertained when I'm not doing the entertaining.

On the Wilmington front. Hmmm. Not much NEW to say. Um, I am supposed to do something with Anna of course tomm, cuz well, hell we do stuff alot. We both don't have jobs and we get along pretty damn well. Anna's great. But yeah, we're gonna prolly stop at the mall, cuz I'm outta my hair stuff, and my hair looks like ass without it. We're gonna stop by the Screen Gems place to update our profiles. The Dawson's Creek Casting place called me Monday (surprise! I wasn't HOME!) to see if I could do extra stuff. I'm not planning at all to go into acting, but to be paid to stand around some lot, when I'd be standing around at home, sounds good to me. So I'm gonna tell them I got their message and blah blah blah. Then later, we're gonna make fun of makeup sales ladies, and I'll meet Anna's college friends, Miguel, Mike and Ann Marie. After that, who knows.

I can't wait till this weekend so I can see the rest of my friends. I miss em. I haven't really seen Zach or Erin since maybe Zach's party. Chris left a message on my machine. I'd like to see Greg (who seems to be doing good about US, although, our last conversation wasn't really a conversation- it seemed really fake, I hope the rest aren't like that) and also see Dylan and the beach people. I dunno how I'm gonna cram all this in and still try to get stuff done.

Did I mention how much I love this season? Yeah, it kicks ass. Oh, and Tait's birthday is on Thanksgiving- he'll be 22. Tait is really such a phenomenal guy. I wish I could find ONE guy that is remotely as independent, smart, cool-without being remotely trendy, and together as he is. Just to prove that all is OK with the world. And to be a fraction of what he is sometimes, would be a life goal worth considering. Not many people these days can get themselves as far as he has by themselves. It's so odd to me that no one really realizes what a great person he is. People can be so blind. Of course he's a pain in the ass too. But yes, Happy soon Birthday to the best brother I have, because, hell, he's the only one I have.

I haven't totally forgotten about my future, contrary to some peoples beliefs. I've thought of a few things, and I'm basically torn. Do I wanna get the hell out of here or stay and make sure I make the right decision. I am leaning more and more towards staying till fall, but I gotta not waste any more time than I already have. I dunno. I still need to kick myself in the ass. In all honesty I am thoroughly confused. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it, none of my friends will have to put themselves through school (yes, yes, whine, whine), and no one is going to a goddamn art school. Tait is doing one of those, but he has no interest in art stuff. Art is a damn hard thing to get into right. You can't just go to Cape Fear CC and go straight into a SUCCESSFUL career unless you are goddamn Picasso (and if you asked me, I think he kinda sucked). Or unless you are satisfied with your local community putting you in a gallery. In all aspects of my life I don't know what the hell I want, and that's a shitty feeling.

Sorry for the goddamn repetitiveness, but only like three people read this, so I think I'm safe. This has become not a public ranting, but more of a public written account of an edited version of a think-out-loud page. I still have solved jack.

So, to end this all: Joaquin is god, Switchfoot, Deftones, and 3EB are great listening, this is the best sucker I've had, and Shamus is cutest friggin furball ever (other than Sammy). Yeah, that sums it up.

date: October 31, 2002
time: around 3...am
Chillin', Chip. Billin', Blip. Fillin', Flip. LOL, Ania. Make any sense to ya? I think I am gonna write in this section more often. I do find that I say that alot, and that I usually don't follow through when I say things like that, but we'll see.

I turned 19 on the 28th (the bday I share with sex god Joaquin Phoenix, and screen uh...siren?...Julia Roberts). I am officially able to do, well virtually nothing new, except taunt 18 year olds on how much wiser I am...'cough' Zach-Jon-Jennica-Mitch 'cough'. So there, you immature little kids, you. Respect your elders, all that jazz.

I have been watching alot of movies lately because I borrowed a crap load from Erin. I have watched Boiler Room, Malice, A Beautiful Mind, Virtuosity, and Batman Returns. And not from her: Quills and Matchmaker. What have I learned from these movies? Not much. Virtuosity sucks, Catwoman kicks ass, Malice had too much Alec Baldwin, and I am truly sick of watching girls and boys in their respective nakedness. Honestly folks, once you OD on seeing naked people you never really go back. All of us have the same parts (well with the exception of mutants and the opposite sex), and its really old to see naked people in a movie doing typical stuff you can do un-naked. I dunno. Also my trips to the beach with Anna has further imprinted in my brain that all boobs are over rated as well. I will never fail to see that all boobs are nearly identical. How men are so fascinated with them and so oogled by there presence, is beyond my perception.

Guys are just too one-dimentional. OK, scratch that, no, not all guys, but well a shit load. Maybe just the retards. But yeah, I've noticed that I alot. I guess you could say that all girls are too since we all want the nice, funny, handsome guy. I dunno, I don't want to dive into the male psyche anymore than I need to. Hell, I even forgot what I was getting at. I think I am going up to West Virginia again in mid-November. Yes, AGAIN, folks. That would be the third time in 5 months, three times too many. I love my grandparents and aunt and all, but who the hell decides they want to live there permenently? Really? What excuse do you have if you aren't a lumberjack, or coal miner? None. You get the hell out of there and save your dignity. So that will be tons of fun, me, and a bunch of 45+ year olds. I'll prolly go see Stephanie or something.

What else is going on in my exciting life? Um, Greg and I are friends. We talk, things are fine. He still would like a relationship with me and I still don't. I have been hanging out with Anna a lot, like usual. We spend our time, well when we aren't having loud wild lesbian sex (YES you asses that's sarcasm), between the beach hanging around with Pip, Dylan, Eric, Josh, and sometimes David; talking on the phone, or sleeping over. Or driving, whatever. We have a good time. It's fun to be single girls and not stab each other in the back. It's gonna suck when she moves. I feel like I haven't seen Dylan in ages. I hate that. Anytime I want to start up a friendship with someone, I like to see that person more than once a week. Maybe this weekend I'll get to talk to him. Doesn't hurt to look at him either. I don't know about you Anna, but I wouldn't mind another night like that one night with those guys up in that shack thingy in Eric's garage. Just take Josh out of there. That was fun. I haven't seen Erin or Zach since my party either I don't think. I saw Eric, Pip, and Josh today with Anna. Josh is still an ass, a humorous ass, but still one. Yet he still seems to think that as rude as he is to me, I will want to kiss him at the end of the night. Uh, how about no? He may be tall, and dark, but he isn't my type. Joaquin Phoenix, THERE's my type. Sorry, I am a little Joaq obsessed lately. Mom is off this weekend, so I hope to be able to have one day besides Friday to hang out with my friends.

Speaking of moving, I don't think I will be doing that all too soon. I have a few ideas that I will be working on before I go to West Virginia, but I'm not disclosing anymore information because it is all theoretical. I'm not in any hurry to leave- okay, I lie, I wanna get my ass as far from here as possible, but right now, it may be smarter to stick around for a little be longer. HAPPY HALLOWEEN. I forgot to say that.

Yeah. I think I am gonna save this and get ready for bed, maybe read a bit, or draw, or work on my new self-made journal. So, bye for now.

date: October 8, 2002
time: early AM
OK, I was looking at this part of my site, and wanted to end it on a more positive note. Jon doesn't do that stuff anymore, we resolved our probs. Greg and I went out and have since broken up. I am doing better, I just have to get my ass in gear and get motivated. Still dealing with my relationship with Greg, I am trying to get us back on friends terms, or just be normal. He had a hard time with the break up and I just couldn't deal with a relationship right now. But yes, things are fine, no more bashing my head on the bottom of the pit of hell and stuff. Bye!

date: April 8, 2002
time: 8:59 pm
Holy crap. Just as I had bungee jumped into the pit of hell and almost bashed my head on the bottom (nice image eh?), I was rescued by partly my own freaking mind, nesreen, being pushed too far, and just seeing how I was seeing myself and not liking it. Soooo...what am I getting at? I was having a hell of a time. I was stressed. Why? I had colleges to decide between, family members getting sick, and friends that were draining the life from me and stressing me out with their problems. Now usually, I am the Queen of Calm. But good lord people. I can only listen to so many problems on top of my own. Anna and Jon were having problems again. Anna wanted out, and Jon didn't. So they turn to me. I don't mind her coming to me, but add that with Jon. "Help me Tegan. How can I stay with her Tegan? Can we talk Tegan? Let me call you a billion times a day Tegan. Fix my life Tegan..." Well OK Jon didn't necessarily say all of that, but you get the drift. SO now I am refusing to deal with him anymore. Thank you Nesreen for waking me up. So stress case, getting better. But basically I was doing bad, and now I'm getting better. Yay! OK bye.

date: December 14, 2001
time: 5:42 pm
After giving up on finding a guy around here, I have decided what I want in a boyfriend. Took awhile, but I got it. Blind. I want a blind guy with a great accent. Like New Zealand, Australia...one of those. Why blind? I just think that would be cool. He'd have a different perspective and I have a running joke with a friend about my blind preference. And he's gotta be at least 5'8", the taller the better. Dark hair, Green eyes, and nice arms. Green eyes are optional. But they have to be nice. Plus they gotta like road trips, traveling and sleeping. But getting up to do stuff that's fun is a must. And he's gotta be able to help motivate me, and I want him to have a sense of humor, to not go to pieces over the slightest setback. Also I want him to have a musical talent, like singing, playing the drums, guitar, whichever. And he needs to be open minded, spontaneous and non judgmental. Supportive. Polite at the right times, but confident (but not OVER so). He needs common sense and should love animals. Where will I find this guy? Nowhere probably. OK, well you don't have to be blind, or be some wonderful musician, or have an accent. That's just picky. BUT the rest are just some key elements I'll be looking for. I don't expect Mr. Dream Guy to be perfect, it'll be fun to learn to love the qualities that are flawed. But if you fit any bit of that want ad above, feel free to email me! Great, now I've offended a bunch of people that are blind. Wonderful. Well hopefully if you are blind, and you are reading this, you have a sense of humor. Hey, wait. Blind people can't read from computers! Great! Aw, geez, now I've offended those who can't see again. Dammit.

date: sept 12 2001
time: 11:23
Well, the big topic of the week is the World Trade Center and Pentagon Terrorist Attacks. I can't escape it anywhere. My thoughts? Like you haven't heard everyone else's? First of all, it hasn't quite hit me. I know all the facts, but the situation seems so far removed from me, that it's like a movie. I can't quite seem to get the facts that so many died here in America for no apparent reason. But my thoughts are to those who have this as a shocking reality in their lives. I can't cry about it, not for something that hasn't hit on a personal basis. But I am angry.

I heard about this in my first period art class yesterday. In my first two periods we watched in disbelief as the events unfolded (and I called every move). It was creepy that I guessed how the WTC crash was a distraction for the Pentagon. But I am still confused. I don't think we will go to war...unless we find that a govt had allowed this to happen. I believe we will hunt down who is responsible. I think the whole talk of a draft is a little silly, but what do I know. Also, I live in a small coastal NC town, and people here are all saying well...our city houses such ans such nuclear weapons, and I think we are a target. Blah blah blah. The terrorists are going for impact. They are not looking at a US map saying...oh there's a city that has nukes, lets get them next. We would be way down on any list they may have had. Honestly folks, you are letting your imaginations run a little off the track. I also didn't appreciate how a friend of mine said that "I know you just don't want to admit that our city is a target..." Again. Really. I'm not saying they aren't going to, if they did a full war for some reason, but I think we aren't in immediate danger.

But now that I have rambled, I do admit that these are some serious terrorists. Damn. Can you imagine the planning? I hope those bastards get whats coming to them.

The only thing that I can emotionally elaborate on is the well, terror the people trapped in the rubble, and those that were on the planes must have felt. And what about those who are still looking for their loved ones, or those who have lost people close to them. I was fortunate to know no one involved tragically.

But I have talked too long, I just hope something positive happens soon. And that we retaliate our asses off. Plus, go give blood.