Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up. ‘Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce.’ Watson says, ‘I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.’
Holmes replied: ‘Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!’

Santa's Bad Day

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where to. More Stress! Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made of.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree, fat man?"

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the christmas tree.

begin v.d. pagina

Little Johnny wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he tapped the teacher on her shoulder and said, "I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t get better grades soon, somebody is going to get a spanking."

begin v.d. pagina

An American, who was an enthusiastic, but awful golfer, visited Scotland for the first time. Taking a Scottish caddie, he played a famous course and found he couldn’t hit the ball straight. In fact he was having his worst round ever.
At the end of the round, in his extreme frustration, he said to the caddie: "You’re the worst caddie in the world!"
The caddie responded, "I don’t think so, laddie. That would be too much of a coincidence."

begin v.d. pagina

A 5 yr. old and a 4 yr. old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 5 yr. old, "I think its about time we start swearing."
The 4 yr. old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say 'hell,' and you say 'ass', OK?"
"OK." The 4 yr. old says with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 yr. old what he wants for breakfast. "Awe, hell mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
Whack!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out.
The mom looks at the 4 yr. old and asks in a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!"
"I don't know," he blubbers, " but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

begin v.d. pagina

There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He turned out to be a fantastic worker. He worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks the two of them worked hard, and the ranch was doing really well. Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night he went to town. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally at two-thirty, in came the hired hand.
The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off", she said. Trembling, he did as she asked. "Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly. "Now take off my socks." He did. "Now take off my skirt." He did. "Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as she asked. "Now," she said almost whispering, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down.

Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you EVER wear my clothes to town again!"

begin v.d. pagina

DEAR DIARY

Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.

Oct. 14 - Canada--it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!

Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada!

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snow plough.

Dec. 22 - More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough hides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole.

Dec. 25 - Merry Fucking Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snow plough, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.

Dec. 27 - More white shit last night. Been inside for three days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white shit and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 25 centimeters of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 25 centimeters is?

Dec. 28 - That fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 85 centimeters of the shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snow plough got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shoveling out all the shit he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his fucking head.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that fucking salt they put all over the roads.

May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada!

begin v.d. pagina