Act Four

Scene One

Something Wicked This Way Comes


Location: Approaching Lake Albanel, Quebec

Date: Monday July 15th 2002

Time: 20.13 PM


Unknown to the three travelling in it, the Buick continues to close on the unsuspecting midgets.

Dr Abortion: You know, we could drive all the way to the North Pole. Or worse, Alaska. That frigging machine could be broken. How do we know it's working right?

Proto: That's the best Libyan technology money can buy. They're still north of us.

Celine Dion: I hope we find them soon, buddy! I need to get back for my gig.

Dr Abortion: Well, go then.

Celine Dion: Not 'til I finish this crack, guy.

Celine Dion smokes some crack.

Proto (coughing): Open a damn window, wouldya?

Celine Dion: *giggles* Sorry.

Dr Abortion: HEY! That's my frigging car! STOP!

Celine Dion tries to hit the brakes, but misses, and instead ploughs the Buick into a tangle of thick bush. Coughing, Proto exits.

Proto: Everyone alive?

Dr Abortion (smashing his way out via windshield): Yes. I hope Celine Dion isn't.

Celine Dion: I'm okay, buddy!

Dr Abortion: DAMNIT

Celine Dion giggles, and staggers out of the car.

Dr Abortion: Why were we letting her smoke crack while driving? And why was she driving, anyway?

Proto: Neither of us could be bothered.

Dr Abortion: Oh yeah.

Celine Dion: So where did you see your car, guy?

Dr Abortion: Yonder!

Dr A points at his car. Sure enough, there it is.

Proto: (grimly): Right.

Proto pulls out his shovel, ready for killin'.

Dr Abortion: Let's go to work.

Dr A whips two syringes out of his medical bag.

Celine Dion: *giggles*

Celine Dion has some more crack, and starts to hum "Think Twice" whilst laughing maniacally.

Dr Abortion: I warned you. No singing, or humming.

Celine Dion: Sorry, guy ... hahaha ... the warning went completely oot of my head ... want some crack?

Dr Abortion: No.

Celine Dion: Your loss.

The three approach the Ford Taurus.

Dr Abortion: The gadget says this way, past the car.

They head by the car, following the directions the gizmo gives them, until Proto hushes the others.

Proto: I hear them. Quiet now.

They stealthily approach the noise, coming from a clearing in the trees up ahead. As they enter the clearing, they see a lovely log cabin. Water-wheel running briskly in the river gushing by alongside the house, a tiny wisp of smoke from the chimney. A light is on in one room.

Celine Dion: These little guys sure work fast, buddy!

Proto: They'll die fast, too.

As they near the cabin, a stick breaks under someone's foot. They freeze, then proceed. Finally reaching the side of the cabin, Dr A looks in a window.

Dr Abortion: It's them. Let's do it.

Weapons ready, Prototype and Doctor Abortion charge into the cabin ...


Act 4 Scene 2 - The Grand Finale
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