Location: Besides Lake Albanel, Quebec

Date: Monday July 15th 2002

Time: 20.20 PM

As Prototype and Dr Abortion burst into the cabin, they see the three midgets playing cards.

Dr Abortion: Knock knock, you little bastards!

Li'l Proto: S***! They found us!

Proto: You're damn right we found you, cocknuggets.

Proto grabs Li'l Proto by the scruff of the neck, and holds him up against the wall. Li'l Proto's legs kick, but to no effect.

Proto: You cost me the match, you little cumbubble.

Roe: Let him go!

Roe bites Proto's ankle.

Proto: Wargh!

Kicking out, he knocks Roe against the wall. Dr Abortion has grabbed Wade, and hurls him out through the window, and is preparing to follow him when Roe calls his name.

Dr Abortion: You traitorous little bitch. What do you want?

Roe: Doc .. c'mon. We've pissed you off before, and you haven't killed us.

Dr Abortion: Yeah, but you hadn't knocked my woman up before, Judas.

Proto is repeatedly banging Li'l Proto's head on the wall.

Roe: Don't call me by my middle name � you know I hate that.

Dr Abortion: I didn't mean it like that.

Dr Abortion punches Wade. As he draws his fist back again, he hears a cry.

Dr Abortion: You know ... that sounds sort of like ... a baby! You had him all the time? Devious little motherf***ers.

Dr Abortion heads towards the wails.

Dr Abortion: Heeeere baby baby baby.

Reaching into his medical bag, he pulls out a claw hammer.

Baby: Waaaah!

Wade: No! Stop him!

Celine Dion: HIIIIIIYAH!

Celine Dion ninja kicks Dr Abortion over.

Proto: Why'd you do that? Not that I care, I'm just mildly interested.

Celine Dion: As a woman, one of the unbreakable rules of stories is that I have to love all babies. I can't help it, buddy! Now, leave the kid alone!

Running, Wade grabs his son, and heads for the door. Side-dstepping Proto's lunge, he heads out, and makes a bolt for the trees. Following close behind, Dr Abortion charges, screaming incoherently. Roe follows, as does Celine Dion.

Proto and Li'l Proto are alone in the cabin.

Proto: I've been planning on exactly how I'm gonna kill you for the last two days.

Li'l Proto: Then f***ing do it, you f***ing c*** faggot! You goddamn s***eating c***smoking p***y! F*** s*** c*** p**** t*** f*** f*** f***ity f***! DO IT! F***!

Proto pauses.

Proto: Damnit! How can I ever stay mad at anyone with a mouth like that?

Li'l Proto: Now go and stop Dr A killing the kid.

Proto: F*** off! You come and help me and Dr A kill Roe and Wade, and that kid. It'll be fun. Hey, is that Toaster?

Li'l Proto: Yeah, we brought it with us.

Proto: Toaster! Now I really want some toast. You want some toast?

Li'l Proto: I didn't, but I do now.

A bloodcurdling scream outside halts this toasty debate.

Proto: Hey, maybe they're all dead.

Li'l Proto: Let's hope so.

Proto: How the hell did you make this cabin so fast, anyway?

Li'l Proto: We didn't. Some guy was living here, we just beat the shit out of him and took the place.

In the coal cellar �

David Letterman: Help � me �

Prototype and his little counterpart head outside. Toaster just sits there on the table. It can't do anything else. It's just a toaster. It warms bread, that's it. But if Toaster could do anything else (which it can't), it'd tell you to go and look outside, where the action is.

So we look outside, and find Proto and Li'l Proto. They see Celine Dion and Dr Abortion fighting over the kid. Roe and Wade are both attacking the Doc - Wade is on his back, Roe has a hold of his leg.

Baby: Waaaah!

Dr Abortion: Get off! I'm gonna kill this kid! And you can't stop me! Get off!

Celine Dion: Never, buddy! No child will die while Celine Dion is around!

Wade: Why the f*** is Celine Dion here anyway?!

Roe: I don't know! Give Wade his son back, bastard!

With Celine Dion and Doctor Abortion tugging the baby in two directions, when Celine Dion's hand slips, the baby flies up into the air.

Dr Abortion: Pull! Where's my shotgun? Hahahahahaha!

Roe: Catch it! Quick!

Celine Dion: I got it, guy! I got it � I don't got it.

Baby: Waaaah!

The baby lands in the river.

Wade: No!

As Wade lunges after the child, the current sweeps the baby away, and round a bend in the river. Sinking to his knees, Wade realises he's lost his son.

Roe: Cheer up, dude. You've seen hundreds of kids die.

Wade: �

Dr Abortion: Yeah, calm down, you little pissflap. Jeez. If it makes you feel any better, not like I care, but I would have killed the frigging kid anyway. So no matter what happened, the kid would have ended up dying. Nothing could have stopped it. Nothing. And now it's dead, I feel a lot calmer. I may just let you two live, if you apologise.

Roe: Sorry.

Celine Dion: Just remember, buddy, your heart will go on! *smokes crack and giggles*

All five look at Celine Dion.

Proto: Would beating Celine Dion to death help any?

Wade: Couldn't hurt.

Celine Dion: � guys? Guys? Guys?

So this adventure ends in a most satisfying way.

Celine Dion: *dies*

As Doctor Abortion, Prototype, Roe, Wade and Li'l Proto continue to stomp on Celine Dion, we fade out.

Some music starts to play.

I don't know what music it is ... but it's not "My Heart Will Go On".

And that's the end of this tale.

Everything is tied up.

Or is it?

Epilogue

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