Look, I Am Your Father
Date: Monday July 15th 2002
Time: 15.53 PM
Roe: It feels like we've been driving for ages.
Wade: Yeah, but I still have this nagging feeling we're not safe.
Li'l Proto: There's no way for those f***ing homos to follow us.
Roe: Yeah, we haven't even risked betraying our location by stopping at a gas station.
The car splutters to a halt.
Li'l Proto: S***.
Wade: Well, at least we got pretty good gas mileage out of it.
Li'l Proto: So we're stuck here?
Somewhere outside the car, a wolf howls.
Roe: Don't worry. This isn't the first time I've been marooned in the Canadian wilderness.
Wade: It isn't?
Roe: Well, actually it is. But I thought lying would help everyone feel better.
Nobody says anything.
Roe: Did it?
Wade: No.
Li'l Proto: No, not really.
Wade: So what do we do now?
Roe: I guess we live here. On the banks of this lake thing.
Wade: What do we do for food?
Roe: We fish, eat berries, and mug park rangers.
Li'l Proto: Sounds f***ing sweet to me.
Wade: This will be the best new life ever.
Roe: And we're safe. Safe from those assholes. Forever and ever.
Li'l Proto: What about the f***ing baby?
Baby: Waaah!
Roe: Wade can go and milk moose until it's old enough to progress to solids.
Li'l Proto: Yeah.
Wade: Why do I have to milk the mooses?
Roe: Because it's YOUR goddamn kid.
Wade: *gasp*
Li'l Proto: *gasp*
Dum dum DUMMMM!
Wade: How do you know?
Roe: Every time we got jiggy with Ms C, you always got 'tails'. If you follow.
Wade: Every time?
Roe: Yeah. So it's your kid.
Li'l Proto: "Tails"?
Wade: But I have AIDS. Does that mean the kid has it?
Roe: No, cause you only got AIDS two days ago, s***-for-brains.
Wade: Sweet.
Li'l Proto: Women don't have tails.
Roe: All you have to do is never touch the kid, and he should be safe.
Wade: Can I wear gloves?
Roe: Not good enough.
Li'l Proto: Waaaaiiit ...
Wade: Are you sure AIDS gets transmitted that way?
Roe: We can't afford to take that risk.
Li'l Proto: You mean Ms C always gave you Roe a bl-
Another wolf howls. Who knows if it's the same one? It's a question far more thrilling than this entire rewrite.
Roe: Yeah.
Wade: Let's make a log cabin. There's always log cabins in the wilderness. Quickly now!
Location: On the banks of Lake Albanel, Quebec, Canada