Scene 3
Canada Is Full Of Stupid Retards
Date: Monday July 15th 2002
Time: 06.11 AM
Four hours after picking up chart-topping Canadienne chanteuse Celine Dion, conversation has lapsed into a moody silence. There's only so much that the two most evil men in some wrestling organisation and the chick with the big nose who sang the Titanic song have in common.
Proto: Hey, Doc ... we still going in the right direction?
Dr Abortion: Yeah.
Proto: Okay then.
Another pause.
Proto: So, how are you gonna kill Roe and Wade?
Dr Abortion: Well, I thought I'd start out by paralysing them with a diluted injection of thorazine, then sanding them.
Celine Dion: You'll put sand on them, guy?
Dr Abortion: No. I'll take their skin off with sandpaper. Then I'll roll 'em in salt, piss on them, and I think I'll burn them alive to finish. That'd teach 'em.
Proto nods approvingly, and pauses to run a motorbike off the road.
Proto: Not bad. Not bad at all.
Dr Abortion: What about you?
Celine Dion: Yeah, how are you gonna deal with Li'l Proto?
Proto: I've been giving it a lot of thought, and I've decided I'm gonna gas him. Gas him old school!
Dr Abortion: That's pretty sweet right there.
Celine Dion: Hey, I know this town.
Sure enough, they're approaching a town.
Dr Abortion (reading a sign): "Chibougamou." What kind of gay-ass name is that?
Celine Dion: Hey, don't insult my Canadian heritage, buddy!
Dr Abortion: Pah.
Proto: And the midgets are definitely this way?
Dr Abortion: Yeah, I'm sure.
Proto: I can't believe they made us drive into Quebec. They're gonna pay ... oh yes.
Celine Dion: Hey, buddy, can we stop here?
Proto: Why?
Celine Dion: I need to pick something up.
So they stop here. Celine Dion buys some crack.
Celine Dion: Okay, we can go now.
Dr Abortion: I didn't know you did crack.
Celine Dion: Oh, all Canadian popstars do. Me, Rush, Alanis Morissette, the Bare Naked Ladies, Shaniah Twain, Bill Shatner -
Dr Abortion: William Shatner is a popstar?
Proto: What, you mean you don't own "Mr Tambourine Man"? It's one of the greatest pieces of musical artistry ever committed to vinyl.
Dr Abortion: You're really, really gay sometimes, Proto.
Celine Dion: We all do crack. If you lived in Canada, you'd want to do crack.
Dr Abortion: That's true.
Celine Dion: But because the Canadian dollar is so weak, only us popstars can afford it.
Celine Dion smokes some crack.
Celine Dion: That's the stuff.
Proto: Even Nickelback do crack?
Celine Dion: No, they're too gay.
Dr Abortion: Hah. Yes, Nickelback sure are gay.
Dr Abortion looks at the tracker thing again.
Dr Abortion: Well, slap my ass and call me a bitch. They've changed direction.
Proto: Where're they headed now?
Dr Abortion: Sort of a bit more west. That way! Quick, change direction.
Proto: ... Through that shopping mall?
Celine Dion: Yeah, do it! Kill them ALL! KILL THEM ALL!
Dr Abortion: Damn, Celine, you're a crazy bitch.
Celine Dion: I hate the common public. Peasants. Do it, Proto, you faggot.
So they take a short cut through a shopping mall, mowing down Canadians.
Proto: There's a Canadian! And another! HAHAHAHAHA! You can't stop me! I have diplomatic immunity! HAAAAHAAAHAAA! DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY! DIE!
Thirty seconds of body-count later, we're out the other side of the mall, and hot on the trail of the dirty little midget bastards. Proto flicks the window-washer on, understandably.
Celine Dion: I wonder how far ahead they are, buddy?
Let's take a look.