Scene 2
My Car Will Go On
Date: Monday July 15th 2002
Time: 02.11 AM
Prototype's rusty, lime-green Buick (bumper sticker: "Preserve wildlife - pickle a squirrel") scythes into the stinky Canadian gloom. Dr Abortion has taken over driving duties.
Proto: *yawn* Are we still heading in the right direction?
Dr Abortion: Yeah. Northish.
Proto: Kickass. Good God, Canada is a s***hole.
Dr Abortion: Yeah. Disgusting place.
They drive on.
Dr Abortion: Hey, look. A hitchhiker.
Proto: Run them over. I f***ing hate hitchhikers.
Dr Abortion: You got it.
But as they draw closer, they realise it's no ordinary hitchhiker.
Proto: Oh my god! It's Canuck crooner, Celine Dion!
Dr Abortion: Yup.
Dr Abortion floors it.
Proto: No! NO! Pick her up!
Dr Abortion: What?! Why?
Proto: I love Celine Dion!
Dr Abortion: You ... you ... homo.
Proto: It's my car. Pull over.
Dr Abortion: I don't care.
Proto: I'll throw the biggest damn tantrum if we don't stop RIGHT NOW.
Dr Abortion: Jeez, okay. Goddamn.
So they stop. Celine Dion gets in.
Celine Dion: Hi guys! Thanks for helping me oot!
Dr Abortion: Hahaha. "Oot."
Proto: No problem. Anything to help.
Celine Dion: Thanks, guy! Are you a fan?
Proto (burbling): Only about the BIGGEST! I love your music, Celine Dion!
Celine Dion: Thanks, guy! What aboot you, buddy?
Dr Abortion: I f***ing hate you, and your lame crappy music.
Celine Dion: Um, okay.
Dr Abortion: I wish you were dead. Dead dead dead.
Celine Dion: Well, one out of two's not too bad, guy!
The Doc won't be stopped now he's warmed to his theme.
Dr Abortion: Everything you've ever done has made me wish I was deaf.
Proto: Damnit, leave her alone. You know, Celine Dion, if you feel like sex later, Dr A here has syphilis. But I'm clean as a whistle.
Celine Dion: Uh, thanks, buddy.
Proto: So why are you hitching in the middle of nowhere at two in the morning?
Celine Dion: Well, us French-Canadians are pathologically mean. There's no way I'm shelling out for a tourbus, so here I am, guy!
Dr Abortion: Wait. "French-Canadian"? What the hell is that?
Celine Dion: I'm Canadian, but my first language is French.
Dr Abortion: French? Jesus Christ.
Proto: That's why I admire you, Celine Dion. You've had so many crippling obstacles in life, like being French AND Canadian at the same time, but you're still successful, overcoming all obstacles in your way. Like Stephen Hawking, and Hitler.
Celine Dion: Uh, thanks, buddy.
With Celine Dion in the back, the Buick continues to follow the midgets.
Dr Abortion (conversationally): You know, I could have been Canadian, but then they found out my parents were married.