Scene 4
A Thrilling Medical Drama!
Date: Sunday July 14th 2002
Time: 12.11 PM
Proto: They weren't there last time.
Dr Abortion: Hmm. They're probably there to stop me killing Ms C's baby. I guess we'll have to go round the back.
Proto: Won't there be Mounties there?
Dr Abortion: I dunno. You have a better idea?
Proto: Well, no.
So Proto turns the Buick round, and they head around the back. On the way, Dr A sees an old lady on a wheelchair, struggling to get up a step.
Dr Abortion: Stop here a second!
Proto pulls over, with a crunching of gears. Dr A gets out, and heads over to the old lady. Proto follows.
Dr Abortion: Hey, old lady!
Old Lady: Hello, young men. Are you here to help me get into the hospital?
Dr Abortion: No, I was just going to tip you ov -
Proto (interrupting): Yes. Yes we are.
Dr Abortion: We are?
Proto: Yep. We'll take the old lady into the hospital.
Dr Abortion: Hey, yeah, let's do that.
Old Lady: Are you doctors?
Dr Abortion: I am. This is my nurse.
Proto: Nurse?! I mean, um, yeah.
So they wheel the old lady towards the hospital entrance.
Proto: You're gonna regret that.
Dr Abortion: Quiet, Nurse.
Old Lady: You two are such nice young men.
Dr Abortion: Yes we are, ma'am. This way?
Old Lady: That's right.
Proto: Say, would you like a lollipop?
Old Lady: Yes please!
Proto gives the old woman a lollipop.
Proto: Har har har.
The two Most Evil Men In Wrassle [dot] Net are stopped by the Mounties.
Mountie: Hey, buddy! Where are you going to, guy?
Dr Abortion: Dr Babicila, taking a patient to the .. uh ...
Proto: Paediatrics.
Proto pronounces it with the first 'a' because he's British, and so speaks the English language correctly. Unlike most of you filthy savages.
Mountie: Oh. Okay. Proceed, buddy!
Once into the hospital, Proto leaves the old woman in a corridor, and they head for Ms Contraceptive's private room ...
Dr Abortion: Pediatrics is children, you dumbass.
Proto: They're Canadian. They wouldn't know that.
Dr Abortion: I hope those little f***s are there.
As they arrive outside Room 781, Dr Abortion pauses.
Dr Abortion: I need to be prepared. This kid is going to die the second I walk in there. Otherwise, I'm just not Evil.
Proto: I'll do it.
Proto whips out his trusty shovel.
Dr Abortion: No you don't. You're not stealing my thunder by killing this kid. It's MY job! If a fourth trimester abortion is being performed, I'm the one who gets to do it. Me. Doctor Abortion.
Proto: Alright. Jesus. Just do it already.
The two head into the room. Ms Contraceptive is lying there on the bed.
Dr Abortion: Where's the kid, you dirty trashbag slut?
Ms Contraceptive: Screw you. You want to kill him!
Dr Abortion: Yes. Where is it?
Ms Contraceptive: I'm not telling you. And who's this? Your boyfriend?
Dr Abortion: Quiet, whore.
Proto: Hey, I'm not his boyfriend. I don't know who his boyfriend is. Where's the damn midgets?
Dr Abortion: I don't HAVE a boyfriend!
Ms Contraceptive: Midgets? What midgets?
Dr Abortion: They haven't been here?
Ms Contraceptive: Why would they?
Dr Abortion: I figured they'd want to see their kid. Which one is the father, anyway?
Ms Contraceptive: I dunno. Could be either of them.
Dr Abortion: You filthy bitch.
Ms Contraceptive: Well, if they wanted to see their kid, they wouldn't be here?
Dr Abortion: They wouldn't?
Ms Contraceptive: Well, no. I told you, the baby isn't here. He's in a safe location.
Proto: Maybe we can go and beat up a receptionist to find out.
Dr Abortion: Ooh, I hope it's a female one. I'm in the mood to smack a woman around right now.
The two leave. Ms Contraceptive picks up her cellphone - they're banned in hospitals, but Ms Contraceptive is pretty evil, too. She wouldn't hang out with Dr Abortion otherwise. It certainly wouldn't be for the sex, given that Dr Abortion is as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.
Ms Contraceptive: Hey. They're onto you. Hide the kid, and get going. Quickly!
*thud* *thud*
Proto is banging a receptionist's head repeatedly on the counter.
Proto: Now, where is he?
Dr Abortion: There can't be more than one baby with the surname 'Contraceptive'.
Receptionist: Room ... Room six ... fifty ...
Dr Abortion: Kickass. Room 650. Let's go.
*thud* *thud*
Proto: In a minute.
Dr Abortion: NOW! Before we lose them!
They head for Room 650 ...
In Room 650, they find a baby.
Dr Abortion: Yesss ... finally. The wrong can be righted!
Proto: Hey, you realise we haven't really done anything especially evil, since we teamed up?
Dr Abortion: Damn, you're right. Nothing worse than some petty thuggery.
Proto: It's about time that got fixed. And I think I know how.
Reaching into his trenchcoat, Proto pulls out a gas burner and a skewer.
Proto: I'm pretty hungry. How about you?
Dr Abortion: I could do with a bite.
Baby: Waaaah!
Proto: Quiet, you.
Prototype kills and cooks the baby. Then he and Dr Abortion eat it. ... What ... you thought it'd be saved? Hahaha. SUCKAAAAA.
Dr Abortion: *urp*
Proto: Hey, look!
In the corner of the room is Li'l Proto's plastic shovel, Wade's Nation of Islam hat, and a map of Northern Canada.
Proto: They must have forgotten them in the rush.
Dr Abortion: This means only one thing.
Proto: What?
Dr Abortion: Wade is going to get sunburnt on the top of his head.
Proto: Huh?
Dr Abortion: Hahaha. I'm just kidding. No, it means we have to head north to find them.
Proto: Urgh. Further into Canada?
Dr Abortion: I don't like it either. But those little aholes can't get away with this.
Proto: Yeah. No one stands up to me and gets away with it.
Dr Abortion: Or f***s my woman.
Proto: Let us head to the Buick!
Dr Abortion: This is the lamest, crappiest chase ever.
Proto: I know.
Managing to avoid the Mounties (it's not hard ... the average Canadian is dumber than a bag of hammers, after all), they head to Proto's Buick ... and to the north! And retribution! Play some music!
*The theme to Bonanza plays*
Location: Midtown Hospital, Toronto