I was born a long, long time ago in the Hundred Acre Wood. I originally belonged to a boy named Christopher Robin, but after ten years of being dragged around by him, I decided to split and find ways to support my habit.
Some of you probably wonder why I'm so short in the Winnie the Pooh cartoons and now I'm so tall. The producers made me hunch down and computer tricks shrank me. I left the showbiz and headed out to seek my fortune so I could support my habit.
That led me to America, where I picked up this accent. Lemme tell you something, people in New York are way different from people in England.
I started out in a bar singing for quarters, and worked my way up to an opera house, where I crooned my tunes for big and famous people. And I mean big! Some of these people took up three seats! I had to watch them squirm around while I sang, and lemme tell you, it wasn't pretty. All this to support my habit.
I'm just a little black rain cloud was a favorite with many, and I went on to record my own record entitled Pooh Tunes. I was sued by Disney for that, but won the case when my lawyer pointed out that I hadn't been paid for my work on The Search For Christopher Robin.
They haven't bothered me since.
About this time I decided to take up acting again, and appeared in my first Broadway stage play. A lot of fun it was not, but the pay was good. The plot consisted of me, the villain, harassing a family of campers then getting shot by the father after I ate his little girl. To this day I don't know why he cared about her that much, she didn't taste very good. I did that to support my habit.
I was nominated for a Tony award and received rave reviews for the play, Trespassers and co, but it wasn't enough.
After two years of acting, I gave up Broadway and went over to Hollywood, where I starred in my first major live-action motion picture. It was a blockbuster success and a sequel was planned. The movie received many Golden Globe awards and Oscars, I myself received the best actor for both awards. I didn't get any money to support my habit from any stupid awards, though.
During the filming of the sequel, an incompetent idiot dropped a barrel of honey on my back. I was terribly hurt, and the sequel had to be given up. What's worse, they threw out the honey! One year later, I still cannot lift more than twenty pounds. Fortunately, I saved my earnings from the film, my record, and my Broadway work. I live quiet comfortably in a secret location, and plan another record. I still have a habit, but it's supported by the settlement from the lawsuit.
While I wait for the record company to come up with some songs, I've decided to start an advice column. Submitting is free, for now, so write in now and get yourself some advice!
In case you were wondering, those 'friends' of mine on the show were very anxious for me when I left. They insisted I'd come back crawling, begging for my job back! Of course, they're all idiots. Tigger left, and he'll soon be joining me. Piglet met with an accident four years ago when he came looking for me in New York. Last time I heard from Piglet, he was busy extorting money from someone, and blackmailing someone else for money. I think he joined the mafia. Rabbit met with an untimely end, when Mister McGregor found his garden. It's a sad, sad, sad, sad, sad story, about a sad, sad, sad, sad, sad, sad bunny. Eeyore's now a comedian in Las Vegas. He was very happy last time I checked. Two minutes ago. Christopher Robin grew up and went off to college. He came out with a bachelor's in accounting or something like that, and is now working on Wall Street. I don't visit him, cuz all he talks about is stocks. He still bores me to death. Kanga is a happy old grandma in the Hundred Acre Wood. Roo got married, and took off like his father, but this time, he went in search of his father. Roo's wife ran off with another man, leaving grandma Kanga with the 12 little ones. Gopher...well, he's not in the book, you know. And don't ask about Owl, nobody really cares about that stink head anyway.
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