The Global Village  

The planet earth is shrinking not its size but the way people live and deal with each other. Races, varied are they; nationalities, ethnicities, divergent opinions, experiences, economic status and many more. There are too plenty to think and say which make us people of the world different from one another. But then, it appears paradoxically that all signs point to a new form of world's fashion in terms of authority, way of life and ideology. What do I exactly mean of this? Someway or another, people of the world would eventually form into one cluster form of government against not within the threat of disunity but more on an external concern which would martial all minds and intellect to save what is left for humanity....

The Powerhouse of the global village in East Timor

Chapter VI

“My troubled mind”

You may take a look on my collection of quotes which is just one of the exciting pages of the “Peacekeeper” the (un)Official newsletter already mentioned earlier, some are original thoughts, others are as otherwise indicated.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

PHILIPPIANS 4:13

I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.
The road to success is not straight. There is a curve called Failure
A loop called confusion, speed bumps called Friends, red lights
called Enemies, caution lights called Family. You will have flats
called Jobs. But, if you have a spare called Determination, an
engine called Perseverance, insurance called Faith, A driver called
Jesus, you will make it to a place called Success
Pass it on to ten people whom you want to see blessed. Don't forget to
send it back to the one who sent it to you. (Forwarded on the e-mail by Major Henry Robinson)

It is impossible unless it is possible. It can't be done unless someone does it. It does not make any sense unless at least  one keeps on believing it.

"We are good in helping young people plan a wedding, but not in planning a marriage."

- THE REV. ANTHONY JORDAN, executive director of the Baptist General Convention in Oklahoma.

The New York Times 21/5/01

Someone once said: What goes around comes around.

Work like you don't need the money. 

Love like you've never been hurt.

 Dance like nobody's watching. 

Sing like nobody's listening. 

Live like it's Heaven on Earth.

(Contributed by Judge Gil Tabios, Australia)

An Angel wrote: Many people

will walk in and out of your life, 

but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart. 

To handle yourself, use your head. 

To handle others, use your heart.

 God gives every bird it's food, 

but He does not throw it into its nest. (Contributed by Judge Gil Tabios, Australia)

"In East Timor, there are many ways of doing things. It leaves others to experiment.

"We must act now because it is the right thing to do.  We must act now because we have other things to do,"  said President George W Bush in his State of the Union Address dtd 28 Feb 2001.

Someone say in Darwin..."Not today, definitely not tomorrow. But now."

Nothing will stop you from doing good.  But if you've done better,  you've made yourself an enemy. 

Looking at the world around me, I see so much difference.  At least we must all agree that we have so much to share one another.

I see no difference between the rich and the poor. Both are human beings. But who is more humane than the other  would make the difference.

For what can a man reap wallowing itself into misery by what has been done on him if not to rise  from it and continue believing that there is yet another chance to embrace life and all its misgivings.

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for some good men to do nothing."
                 -Edmund Burke

General Cosgrove to peacekeeping force in East Tmor: "peacekeeping mission is widely recognized as a success. But I wish you the very best of military good luck."

Stupidity and ignorance, that's the question. Reason and intelligence, that's the answer.

If anyone wants to survive for the future, it must be first known that there is a future.  One way or another, we can be sure that there is a future if only we can get our acts together.

Some people can do things without being told.  Some can do things   by being told.  Others  may just take the risk for being his own.

Love can move mountains, that's a premise.  What to do with love after is just a promise.

Nothing is so precious than honor and courage of people to rise above the ordinary in offering their comfort and talent to make others live a better life.

If you think you have known everything, you're wrong. You will find out that you are once you've shared yours with others.

Every good deeds you do on your brethren, it will come back to you a thousand folds.

Nature is the law of opposite. It is full of contradictions but puts  you on the right track.

The mind is subject to change without prior notice depending on the availability of reason.

Don't believe everything that  you see for it may not be real afterall.  But also believe that you don't see for it may exist for us all. 

The farther back you can look, the farther forward you are likely to see."  

Think about life, think about your future. In short, think about the children who will run your nation's future.

When things are not turning the way it should, it will in some other time.

There are two ways of doing... one way and another.  It takes a genius  to take the other way.

By all means you must marry. If you marry a good one, you'll be happy. If you marry a bad one, you become a philosopher.

Hope is a good breakfast but not a good dinner.

Life is a beautiful journey... each one of us  must travel our own way with memories behind us  and a  brand  new beginning  each day (Ed's wife).

Live each day as if there is no tomorrow.

Innovation is something that criticizes the old but makes use its wisdom onwards.

It is  better to free one hundred convicts than putting to jail an innocent man.

Remembering the departed gives you direction  on what you can achieve that they have failed.

Think about life, think about your future. In short, think about the children who will run your nation's future.

There are many ways of doing things.  Doing it properly is another thing.

SRSG Sergio De Melo with Force Commander PKF at Aileu during  graduation rites of members of  the East Timor Defense Force (FDTL)

The armed forces of East Timor called FDTL

Chapter VII

“The green mind”

I had been trying to tidy up the pages of the web site which is why I had to at least make it interesting  for general audience.  In doing so, I have collected any kind of joke from any source on the e-mail, mostly from Flowgo.com. I had so much of it but I had to erase some to save a few space on the web site:

F.......

The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Jeffrey Alan!," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "you don't know what it means."

"I do, too," Jeffrey corrected. "It means the car won't start."

Wise vs Wise

The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor was not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave -- with no penalties for missing a class.

The rooms were equipped with the type of wall clocks which "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were not of the most sophisticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute.

So, it became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock (this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well-aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself.

Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told the class, "You have one hour to complete the examination".

The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room, gleefully took aim at the clock. When he had successfully "jumped" the clock forward one hour, he closed the class and collected the exam papers.

Life does teach some lessons the hard way

Sweet Names

A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

Blind Date

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.

"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner

Hang-ups on Cellphone

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, It's me. Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00"

"Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."

"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000..."

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great! Before we hang up, something else..."

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."

"How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye... I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Lousy Haircut

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and far away. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?"

The Atheist

One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Devil." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

Spot the Gig

-Last year, I deducted 10,697 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense. The tax man said, "OK.. but don’t ever, ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand."

-Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport.

-I knew these Siamese twins. They moveed to England, so the other one could drive.

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve

10. Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. One day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.

8. Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.

7. Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist's or haircut appointment by himself.

6. Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. If the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."

1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."

Thoughts of the Day...

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

There are two kinds of pedestrians--the quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Jury - Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.

What's Your Name?

A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

Jumbo Jet

A Mother had three daughters and on their weddings, she tells each one of them to write back about their marriage life. And the first one gets married. The second day the letter arrives with a single message... simply, "Maxwell Coffeehouse." Mother got confused and finally noticed in a Maxwell, and it says, "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mother is happy. Then the second daughter gets married. Only after a week was there a message that reads, "Rothmans." So the Mother looks into the Rothmans ad, and it says, "Life Size, King Size." And Mother is happy. Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. Only after four weeks came the message, "British Airways." And Mother looks into the BA ad, but this time she fainted. The ad reads, "Two times a day, four times a week, both ways." (E-mail from Judge Gil Tabios, Au)

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Desperate


Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files.

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Hi-tech

A man recently saw a distraught young person weeping beside their car.

"Do you need some help?" he asked.

The person replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" the helping person asked.

"No, just this remote 'thingy,'" the distraught person answered, handing it and the car keys to the other person.

As The Good Samaritan took the key and manually unlocked the door, he replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries ... it's a long walk."

Keep on Borrowing

Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."

"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began.

"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."

"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"

Dear God

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, they took most of it.

Boots on...

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said,"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

Where are the diamonds?

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

Half A Head

A guy wants to buy half a head of lettuce, so he goes to the market and asks the clerk if he can purchase half a head of lettuce.

The clerk says, "I don't think so!"

So the man says, "Let me talk to the manager."

The clerk says, "The manager is in the back."

The clerk then proceeds to go to the back of the store to find the manager. The clerk finds the manager and says, "There is some goofy fool up front who wants to buy half a head of lettuce!"

The clerk suddenly realizes through his peripheral view that he was followed by the client, so the clerk adds, "...and this nice gentleman would like to purchase the other half."

Your Wife

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Lawyering

Let's see if we can raise the corner of your lips with today's Joke of the Day:

A dying man gathered his lawyer, doctor and clergyman at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash.

He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.

A week later the man died. At the wake, the lawyer and doctor and clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness.

The doctor, moved by the gentle clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he, too, had kept some of the money for a new x-ray machine at his hospital. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8,000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.

By this time the lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000."

Weather Predictor

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained.

A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm.

"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."

And How Are You Doing?

An old farmer was on his way for a night out on the town. He loaded his old hound dog into the buggy, had his favorite horse pulling the buggy, and was on his way. He had just rounded a curve when a speeding Mercedes ran into the back of his rig, wiping him out.

After months recovering he finally had his day in court. The defense called the local sheriff as a witness.

The defense lawyer asked, "Did the plaintiff have anything to say when you approached him at the scene of the accident?"

The sheriff replied, "Yes sir. The plaintiff said, 'I never felt better.'"

The plaintiff's lawyer was very upset at this, and whispered to the farmer, "Did you really say that?"

"I sure did, but don't worry, just put me on the stand," he replied.

So, the plaintiff's lawyer called the farmer and asked, "Did you really say, you 'never felt better?'"

The farmer replied, "I sure did. But you gotta understand. When the sheriff came in on the scene, he went over to my dog who was badly injured, bleeding and looked down at him, shook his head, then shot the dog.

Then he walked over to my horse who had three broken legs, really hurt bad, looked down at him, shook his head, then shot the horse.

Then the sheriff came over to me, looked down at me and asked how I felt. So of course, I replied, "I never felt better!"

When Fido Learns to Speak

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "Hmmmm," he wonders, "how am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"Why that's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. So the boy calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - now they have a program here that will teach Fido to READ!"

"READ!" says his father, "That's amazing! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." So his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner and reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead that lives down on Oak Street?' "

His father says "I hope you SHOT that lyin' weasel!"

Evolution

An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring  all  that the "accidents" that evolution had created. "What  majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking  alongside the river he heard a rustling in the  bushes  behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly  bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could  up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the  grizzly was closing. Somehow, he ran even faster, so  scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again  and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding  and he tried to run faster. He tripped and fell to  the  ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but the  bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left  paw  and raising its right paw strike him. At that instant the atheist cried, "Oh my God!...."  Time stopped.  The bear froze.  The forest was silent.  Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came  out  of the sky, " You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don't exist and even  credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you  as  a believer?"  The atheist looked directly into the light, " It  would  be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all  these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a  Christian?"  "Very well" said the voice.  The light went out.  The river ran.  The sounds of the forest resumed.  ...and then the bear dropped his right paw, brought  both paws together and bowed its head and spoke:  "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I  am  truly thankful

Go Figure

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

But Doc...?

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."

Eighty

There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both  hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around  her face.  A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you  should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around,  being indecent, while both hands hold your hat."   She said, "Look, everything down there is eighty years old; this  hat is brand new!"

Bill Gate's Choice

Bill Gates dies and is up at the pearly gates.

St Peter: "Well, you've got a choice. Have a look around here. Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out, and then let me know your decision."

Bill has a look around heaven. Lot's of somber people singing hymns, praising the Lord. He goes down to Hell. There are beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand, attractive women. Long cool drinks that never get you drunk. He loves it.

He goes back to St Peter.

Gates: "Look, I know you're really doing good things here, but Hell seems more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard feelings, but I pick Hell."

St Peter: "No worries. You've got it."

Bill finds himself back in Hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. He can't figure it out.

Gates: "Hey! St Peter! Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches and cool drinks?"

St Peter: "Sorry if you got confused. That was just the demo version." (flowgo)

Those Horrible 4-letter Words

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so -- how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home...PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful?

"WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed- they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook...."

Confessional

Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not tell her name."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,

"What'd you get?"

"Five good leads," says Tommy.