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11-21-2008(5:01am)
walking home the almost quarter-almost crescent moon
hung at half past seven o'clock
and I realized what an amazing world I've been too busy to see
...and a fun time at the bar had by all
completely new friends
I think I got applause at the end of the night... unreal
what is that?
at any rate I don't have to wake up until 2 tomorrow
so judge me, then piss off
you don't know me

11-13-2008(6:16pm)
hi, I just talked to Aneta on the phone
and she will talk to me in a week,
or maybe she won't.
she's strong,
and she's not waiting for me
I'm relieved she will still talk to me
I was worried she'd never contact me again.

11-12-2008 (10:58pm)
ok, hello
friday I decided to break up with Aneta
after 10 months of having her with me, now there is nothing,
I know it hurts
she told me only to contact her if I want to make it work
but what does that mean?
does that mean that only contact her if I believe she is the one?
the one woman I will spend the rest of my life with?
I'm not ready for that
I was also told to be honest and tell her immediately if I had doubts, and not to waste her time.
so that's what I did.
now look where I'm at.
this afternoon I was confident in my decision to break it off.
and to call her in a few months,
but I know she's hurt, and it hurts me.
I care about her, why am I doing this to her?
am I trying to tell her that even if it's not going to last forever,
we can still enjoy eachother right now?
or am I trying to tell her that.
I'm afraid I'll never talk to her again, and not because I won't try
but, because she wouldn't want it.
this may be the last entry in 2008 hopefully not. cheers, folks
and remember
everything happens for a reason, even if the reason is that I'm a big loser,
and don't have my life together...

7-28-2008(1:15pm)
good afternoon
I've been away,
I'm updating my website today
things are never normal,
my decisions are never formal
am I one
or are we two?
go ask her,
she'll tell you what to do.

for all you non-limerickers out there not staying current,
I've been seeing Aneta since about 12-31-2007
what can I tell you?
I was told I need to formulate my own opinions yesterday,
but I don't believe her.
we'll see!

12-31-2007(4:46am)
ok, good morning
yesterday I rode in my first bike race
called the Alley Kitten III
it was awesome, I came in closer to last than first
but it was great
I'll recall the manifest before I forget
(that link has the locations but not the route I took)
we started at broome and christie,
my first checkpoint at Christopher and the West Side Highway (where we had to run a lap around the circle)
then to 54th and the West Side Highway (where we had to write our new years resolutions)
then crosstown to 56th and York (where we had to drink some Jim Beam)
then to 26th and 5th Avenue
and then to 9th and Avenue A(where we had to strike a pose)
the finish line was at Continuum bike shop betwween 12th and 13th on Ave B
it was pretty amazing,
a damn good excuse to strap on my helmet,
and go as fast as I can through the city
on my POS bike, which weighed a TON!
I'm thinking of upgrading for the next one,
oh yes, there will be a next one. cheers!

12-23-2007(12:50am)
ok, so it's been requested of me
to save the cheerleading and inspirational "propaganda"
for my own head or my paper journal
and to put an honest record of my life on this page
and so what's new since June?
I've quit a day job, started 2 night jobs, avoided a christmas job, had 3 new ohioans move into my neighborhood, I've taken better care of my truck (but still haven't named her), I've been put into jail (for 41 hours waiting for a judge to look at my case and send me home without paying anything), I've decided what my next tattoo is going to be, I've won a gameboy ds (but haven't gotten it yet), I've gotten a new pair of blue adidas slippers (that should last at least a couple of years), I've cleansed, dieted, and binged, I've been sprayed for bedbugs, I've washed my comforter, I've lost touch with some people, and made new friends, I've started making glass again, and that's all.
see that's why I don't write about real life,
it's BO-RING
wouldn't you rather hear, something like
"hey bud, don't give up -the sun'll come up tomorrow, 'betcha bottom dollar"
oh, and in about 4 hours I'll have lived 31 years...
with nothing really to show for it...
boring, pathetic, and sad.

6-28-2007(1:47am)
ok,
selfish masturbator
narcissistic sonofabitch
self wallowing idiot
it's so about 'me'
now is the time to get taken advantage of
should I make list?
eh, whatever
I'm feeling desperate because of money
but I'm worrying, not in actual trouble yet
which is unsettling
more than I like
I'm also realizing that I used to live like this all the time
relying on a paycheck to come in on it's scheduled date
and it's fucked
especially now, especially with my spending habits
eh
we'll see
ok.
peace, and everything good under the sun.

6-10-2007(5:43am)
hello,
once again I've successfully managed to "not get laid"
hanging out with pretty fucking cool people
there were plenty of girls,
nice ones like -----, ----, ---- , and ------
what a loser, to even write thier names.
I also found out that Mike from R&D tattooing
is dead, the guy who's art I see every day on my arm
is dead.
rest in peace, the world isn't nice to kind people.
anyways,
I'm also recording this
(my keyboard action at least...)
maybe I'll post it with a link...
maybe not.
peace!

5-5-2007(3:58am)
a million and a half things going on in my head
1. Happy Cinco de
2. My "dream" job
3. The role I play in my friendships
forgettaboutit

4-10-2007(1:28am)
my parents,
my friends,
my personality,
my looks,
my physique,
my clothes,
my attitude,
my posture,
my hair,
my skin,
my shoes,
my car,
my past,
my living situation,
my snobbery,
my pickyness,
my nose,
my karma,
my destiny,
my self-consciousness,
my future,
my aspirations,
my laziness,
my fears,
my desperation?
is that what's wrong with me?
or what I blame?
or are they the reasons?
or are they excuses for my condition?
worthless peace out.

4-4-2007 (12:17am)

Leslie was a phenomenal web designer from michigan
who moved to san francisco and started alot of hoopla
I never met her in person, but we exchanged emails early when I was first starting my website
her personal site was Hoopla.com, which became Harpold.com
she was inspirational, encouraging, eloquent, and of the stylistically elite
I am honored to know that she has actually read this blog in it's beginnings
rest in peace, leslie
thank you
you are missed.

4-3-2007
wow, I didn't realize I've put in an entry in 2007
and a sad one at that.
who knows anything anymore.
I think I'm just worried that
I'm destined to make the same mistakes I've made in the past
and be the same idiot I was in the past.
and my schedule and lifestyle doesn't allow me to have
the luxury of sanctuary in a private life.
but if you ask me, I'm full of excuses.

1-4-2007
happy new year
today this is what I'm thinking
thinking of not trusting people
thinking of people I do trust
thinking of people thinking I'm worthless
thinking of my ability
thinking of my fucking court date
thinking of flossing my teeth
thinking of shit, man...
shit
oh, and I'm f$%&ing 30 now.

12-21-2006(7:14pm)east williamsburg, soon to be ohio
ok, well this was what I was thinking a couple of days ago
we should have hooked up
because it will never be like that again
I felt it, too
but it didn't last
seeing her boyfriend, of course, set her straight
she's not married,
what was phenomenal was her encouraging me to feel something
am I that sad,
am I that numb to affection
I wonder how long I've been like this?
this whole experience
fuck it, it takes too much of my life away from me
I just need to find a real job, that's what I should be worried about
ok, peace

November 1, 2006(9:58pm)
I think my camera caught an apparition(sp?)
audio and a pic
I'll do anything to spook myself, geez
here's what I submitted to ghostvillage.com
(look at the pic and hear the audio, kinda freaks me out)

October 30, 2006
A day before Halloween we (5 humans and a dog, Novia) were on the rooftop of my building here in Bushwick, Brooklyn, NY everything was normal enough, there were no interruptions in our night.
About midway into our stay on the roof, Novia the dog, started running back and forth on the rooftop, and we managed to snap a picture of her. Coincidentally enough the camera was set to record an accompaning sound byte. The image and the audio were very interesting.
In the picture there is an 'orb' that it seems Novia is chasing around. We also noticed that some of the pictures of the dog after this showed Novia's eyes burning with a bright golden light, while others, taken at a closer distance, did not.
The audio file was strange because it has much more noise than the other audio we recorded that night and almost a garbled voice comes through. It's quite interesting, especially the sound byte, I hear different things every time I listen to it, so please decide for yourself.
I looked back in my files of some of the other pictures I took and found another one, on the same rooftop of a glowing mass about the same color almost 'sitting' in one of the chairs up there.
I always try to be very respectful of the rooftop area there and I hope I wasn't disturbing this thing. I don't even know anything about this, but I hope you post my pictures and audio.

and actually the pics are on the web at:
alexisdeleon.com/apparitions
but besides that, all's well
I start at american christmas tomorrow
I think I can survive, but I may just have to
keep telling myself, with every day that goes by
that it's just
"one more cold beer, another paid parking ticket, another..."

monday, september 25th, 2006(1:07am)
well, what now?
do I feel accomplished?
am I waiting for some closure?
no, it's a done deal for now,
my closure will come when I finally say
"how are you?"
just as we planned.
you know it's for the best
there was nothing good,
besides the feeling of accomplishment
and the trophy of being blessed into the normal world.
not a bad weekend,
eventful at the very least.
mental note:
whenever it's a bad thing the complications always
steal whatever immediate redemption (you think?) that's attached
(I have no idea what I'm talking about)
and hey, I'm starting to feel o.k.

saturday september 16, 2006(12:02am)
blogs, fucking trips of course he's dead. stupid stupid who. oh well fucking shit. talented of course come on. so smart so fucking smart click for the blogging fucking rage steaming from my ears, holy shit, hold it forget about it. you tell em ass, of course you are. there are things inbetween yous... me. rememeber? just like before!
really.

8-27-06 (7:52pm)
I'm sick.
This weekend I spent in my bed sleeping, sweating, and blowing my nose.
I'm feeling some urgency
as the number of weekends I have left in my twenties grows smaller.
I know for some that number 30 just passes,
like a "tuesday" or a "june"
So who am I to fight it?
29 will pass, without much resistance,
just as the past 10 years did.
(kicking and screaming, and not if I can help it, and no fucking way!)

8-2-06(2.48am)
the all-time loser in me has prevailed
just as I thought everything was going to be just right
I pulled behind the pulled over car, instead of in front of
and I tried to shut my glove box
now, I'm deep trouble
so much to do,(but first let's update the blog)
Janice, jesus what a...
I wasn't getting paid enough, first of all
now her chaos is spilling into my life
now, her chaos is overtaking my life
I guess it's back to making ends meet,
and not going to jail.
and becoming extremely wealthy.
see ya.

6/28/06(11:36pm)
well, ny what the fuck is up?
I'm exhausted
and I haven't even gotten my feet wet,
yet.
peace,
and please, chill out on shit a little bit,
you aren't on fire.

4/30/2006(12:49am)
hi
welcome
things came to mind tonight
I miss what I had, in columbus
(I was throwing-not shooting, or pitching... throwing or tossing darts)
and I thought to myself,
every lesson in (this?) life I've learned
tells me
that the conjugation of the word have
into the past tense
indicates just that
these are things that I do not have
these are things I had
and the past is the past
my pride does keep me from showing my face
I should be making millionS by now.
but, I'm not
am I just here to get away?
am I totally stagnant here, in hiding?
peace you sad, sad pieces of shit.
-listen to keith and the girl
alexis

4-5-06(1231am)
ok I was listening to a weezer song angel pumping gas...
and it makes me kick myself for all the things I knew I should do
but don't for some reason or another
kid's stuff, really!
really
just crap I'm thinking lateley
cowardice and bashfulness
how lame is that?

3-31-06(7:18pm)
ok, life is doing it again
beating me down, to a pulp in fact
I feel like shit, I'm broke, tired, and miserable
I look and feel like crap
eh, I need to sleep

3-8-2006(6:39am)
hi, good morning,
I've never been this broke before in my life,
we will definitely have to see if my next paycheck,
my first full one(which is minus a few minutes for being late, even
is going to pay my bills, if not I'll continue to be apologetic and
lame.
but it's true, having NO money sucks.
bills, tolls, gas, and food.
I'm not allowed to make any mistakes that cost money...
drywall screws, and a cheap ass drill bit
crap on a stick again,
if it's sunny enjoy it, and if it's raining, I feel ya.
-a

3-5-2006(11:30)
trifecta!, I don't think I've ever, hmm maybe once
but 3's a charm... I'm back in my own head again...
plenty of human contact,
but I'm back into my small life with very few close friends
whom I hardly see.
this is a good time to regroup and re-evaluate... everything.
and what else is new is I have a project,
building my room and studio, I can't wait...
images soon to follow, if I can get my computer going
peacethrees -a

3-5-2006(5:47pm)
ok another journal entry for ya today!
this one is about where I am and what's happenning in my life...
ok I moved to williamburg, in brooklyn,
and I'm starting to think that this could be becoming another
'little too trendy 'little too late area
and I will finally have a workspace to make shit
that's important...
my old boss the gallery owner told me
"if you are an artist, and you don't make work", he said
"we don't like you"
pretty cryptic, huh?
so I must prove my worth
and where else to do it, than
willliamburg,
I raised a wall today and now I'm doing the prep work for
the bed loft which should be done by the end of the week,
then finally, after months and years of putting it off,
I will make something
peace and muenster cheese just a little bit burnt.

3-5-06(213am)
the original idea in this journal entry
was to write like it's the old days
and so just as in the past,
the web browser froze and forced me to shut it down,
thus, true to form, I'm re-writing this(some of it)...
(the idea is that no one is listening...)

things on my mind(which include but are not limited to):

coming to nyc to find myself?
it's a good place to find yourself, or to lose yourself...

things to do- (pay rent, raise that wall, make a toothbrush holder, plan shit,
make shit, send emails, call my discover card, call my mom and tell
her that the 'curse' was probably just a scheme to get me to go back to the
psychic, put up shelves, find a dresser, find a door and hang it,
build the bed loft for my room, do laundry, go to the grocery, and pay rent)

art is the only way to express my witness(can I use that word there?) and rage
and it's always about the struggle
-that's why
(witness and rage, huh...
what have you seen, I've seen a pathetic little dork throwing a hissy fit)
and it's therapy(for about the same price)

I like my job because on any given day there may or may not be someone who knows what the hell is going on there...
and that's cool.

and finally how am I going to take full advantage of my current situation?

thanks for listening

2-27-06(8:18pm)
holy fucking shit
what a...
so I'm moving back to brooklyn
whaddupp?

1-17-2006(1:38pm)
Ok, finally a minute to welcome in the new year...
but first things first:
I like change,
but only if it's in the right direction, that is...
One thing I've noticed these past few years
is the mis-use of the phrase "on line"
I was appalled when today at the Bureau of Motor Vehicles,
(who, throughout time has refused to be outdone,
setting new standards for (and is therefore The Authority on)
waiting patiently for your turn)
...at this government institution of waiting,
I saw a sign requesting the state's dear patrons wait "ON LINE"
until the next teller becomes available.
I refused violently within.
I waited "in line" patiently like I had been taught,
not so many years ago.
Before the internet introduced the phrase "on-line"
people had been waiting in line for years, happily.
My 8th grade English teacher Mrs. Heusmann
(who, by the way, swore I'd be pumping gas at the local Shell station)
would have torn my ear right off.
I could just hear her say,
"You," with her refined, uptight southern draw,
"you don't wait ON LINE... you wait IN LINE!
Your poor immigrant grandmother waits on line,
and you aren't allowed."
Well, Mrs. Heusmann I agree with you on this one,
and I'm glad you said it and not me.
The gap between proper English and new terminology cannot be stretched this far,
it is just wrong.
So I'll continue to wait IN lines,
and ON phone lines,
and ON-line for downloads,
but I refuse to use the same terminology for all three.
make the madness stop.
"Please wait IN LINE for 2006"

12/24/2005(2:09am)
well, yesterday(my 29th birthday) I...
booked a flight to hawaii
got a parking ticket
finally bought a queensized bed to sleep on
(instead of that piece of shit 'matress')
sent out christmas cards
had a delicious omelette
did laundry
cleaned out my truck
finally saw the lame apple store
found sweet fingerpuppets(a turtle, a snail, and a rooster)
and a cool cigarette case(with an american flag for andrzej)
got an awesome hat
ordered the final component to my ipod's proper function
finally saw times square at night(although it looks like it's daytime there)
and went to a broadway show with a beautiful girl

12/13/05(1:47am), ridgewood, queens
yeah
the city's a nice place to dork around all day in
I gotta fill my schedule so I don't forget all the shit I gotta see
all those bridges I've burnt,
or have I?

11-30-05(11:45pm), above rosario's, brooklyn, ny
no time for friends,
dime a dozen, are they?
what's wrong with me...
I have to: be better to my friends,
be better to myself
figure it out
take some time
do what I want to do
have confidence
be good
be bad
love
live
be respectful
be appropriate
not be a perv
be a perv
wake up
move
tie up my loose ends
listen
build it
use it
trust
take
give
play
win
earn it
stop apologizing
do it right
learn
cope
care
sing
fly
sleep
never compromise

11/11/05(1:40am)
lots of things, but first things first:

oct 3, 2005(1:17am)
really, what the hell is it all for?
my career might be in jeopardy because of some dumb asshole
but really this entry is about me leaving everything
this entry is about not keeping everything
this entry is about me being myself and believing in me
and being as true and sincere as I am
this is not about you, and will never be...
what is it? a smile, a good time? a fuck?
sure, it's sad
and I care, and have cared, but now
it's up to me, the city will be good for me
the city will be good for me...
I close my eyes and can't imagine how it will be, living in the city.
no more stupid guilty feelings, no more nothing.
just me,
wish me luck motherfuckers

monday september 26, 2005(12:19 am)
ok, well I'm moving out...
from the beloved dlb
(finally?)
it is time to simplify,
will this page be all I have(again)
to keep me sane?
there are things out there...
sam told me today, and I agree
there is a whole world out there
I must make a plan
for tomorrow
(not the next day, just tomorrow)
ok, that's it,
thanks,
yours, alexis

July 26, 2005(3:35am)
today I...
woke up gently
went to the bank to make me current
went to the grocery(ies),
for cold cuts and dinner
ran some errands, and burnt Enon's High Society
cooked a nice pasta dinner
pounded some pbr's
took a nap
did my dishes
found out about dragons and rats
saw something I've never seen anyone do before!
and bought a pack of smokes
it is, of course, all the same day.... one to forget

July 25, 2005(1:42am)
I can hardly take care of myself!
that's what's wrong,
so now I gotta fix it,
I'll need some time,
may I suggest you bail out now while you have fair warning.
geez
that's another thing,
putting myself down...
gotta cut that out
ok, you got it, cheers
0

July 20, 2005 (3:56am)
oh yeah!

june 27, 2005 (8:17am)
ok, my dreams:
a movie with ben stiller,
and the child actress in kill bill vol. 2
on the bus walking past a strange man being held custody,
but he has a knife stuck into my rump
a sash caught in the window, as it turns out... an autopsy,
the flashback, with a shadowy figure approaching,
the father was guilty,
ben stiller was innocent.
then, at a party, it's winding down,
and I end up making out with girl in yellow
and thinking she's taller than me,
back inside I check the sausage and there's only one left,
I find pink inside it,
and put it into the microwave,
careful not to add the silverware,
I place the silverware on a lid or something.
there is a girl there
somehow I meet this girl they call "black"
Ryan is there and so is Adam Boggs
the three are in the bed, not doing anything,
just joking around and playing
looking out the window,
there are nudists all over the yard,
there's a girl with bolognia nipples and saggy tube-boobs
and there's a pregnant looking dude with a penis
and she is touching my back while we look out the window
mixed with the clothed,
laughing and playing
I leave, and try to say goodbye to everyone,
some familiar looking girl on the way out
says "so Alexis....(something)"
as I leave some guy along the wall
says something about not getting or not wanting "help from anyone"
and I say "not from you"
and I'm released into the parkinglot, driveway

june 26, 2005 (12:22am)
whaddup.

june 10, 2005 (2:07am)
this is a bad day!
the thing at wheaton village was reportedly not being given to me,
I'm probably going to get fired(for a broken Fujita)
my place in brooklyn fell through,
I thought I was drugged
don't feel well
maybe I was somewhat prepared,
because all this is stuff I knew,
or at least suspected, may happen
but this is what I've been dreading,
when I should have been preparing for it
at this time tomorrow,
I may be looking for a job
or applying for unemployment
life is a mess
I thought I was going to be saved from all of this,
maybe it's bad karma for being bad
do I have to worry about vandals, or thieves, I'm worried.
ugh...
puke

June 8, 2005(7:50am)
ok, so plenty of things on my mind
like being a sack of crap
who gets lets himself get taken advantage of
who's reality is all a big act
who is never really sincere
who has nothing because he wants it that way
who is really bitter way way way down deep
I'm crushing my head,
who needs this bullshit?

june 7, 2005 (10:31am)
ok,
I'm being pushed pulled and twisted in all sorts of directions,
my house is being disbanded in july(never seemed so strange)
my only reliable job is laying me off in september(unless I leave sooner),
and I'm waiting on Hank from Wheaton, Brian from Urban,
and Dynelle from Williamsburg(not necessarily in that order)
to tell me if I can have a place with them.
helplessly on the bubble,
constantly rethinking and revamping everything planned
is fucked, seems people string me along to annoy me,
that's probably it
give me a 'yes' or a 'no' please
part of me wants to make money, pay off debts,
and work toward stuff I want
what I want is grad school
which means building a resume
and portfolio
I want some other things too...

may 28, 2005(9:13pm)dlb studios
ok, what's on my mind?
I'm thinking goodbyes are good
don't always get them...
plus, I'm liking being in my own little head,
again.
a little more room to breathe,
relax a bit(not too much).
of course, I'm waiting for someone to save me from it,
but waiting, looking, and all that shi... has gotten me this far
...which is absolutely nowhere.
I hope it rains all day tomorrow and I don't see the sun at all
glum,
-alexis

may 11, 2005(8.01pm)
sorry this is so neglected,
this used to be my true 'space',
no one ever read this, or even cared what little bullshit
happenned in my day
drifting out into my own little head
(like anyone reads this now)
so today I paid alot for about 1.6 lbs of steak
and I'm going to eat the hell out of all of it.
yeah, that's all

april 10, 2005(2:37am)
hey man, what's up, lamer?
apologize for the last entry,
that's just weird
anyways, yeah another day,
the weather was gorgeous today!
saw the sunrise today and it was awesome
very peaceful,
ok, enjoy
-alexis

april 6, 2005(2.50am)
life goes on, and I can't stop it...
I got a phonecall from this girl today,
she's beautiful,
anyways since I've known her, for the past, what 6-7 years
I've been just awkward and not so polished whenever I run into her.
she's such a sweetheart, and I'm always put in my place by her beauty.
that's what I do, I sit and watch her in awe, as she's telling me about her life
and what she's done since we last spoke,
I get frozen.
I don't know why I'm such a dork, I know what I am to her, I'm a project in the works.
maybe one of these days I'll get my shit together, and do some good, something
worth showing for.
but yeah, I'll go another 6 months, year, etc. without seeing her...
I hope it's not the same story again...
she's not a part of my life, she's a visitor.
I have lots of visitors in my life...

Wednesday, March 23, 2005
voyeur

(this is from an email I sent)

...I have a wierd thing about the safety and detachment associated with computer interactions with people,

for example, I could watch the security cameras here at work all day...
there's some strange voyeuristic twang to the voice in my head,
always saying stuff like "they know you're watching"
(our cameras work are obviously displayed).

like today I was eating a sandwich watching the security camera tv,
in our tiny closet.
And although I was less than two steps away from actual interaction,
I found myself just observing, developing a strange empathy and "Real World" sense of connection.
I could dissect thier appearance and mannnerisms as I pleased,
and if I wanted to I could pop out of the closet and say hi,
this is an immediate bonus, and I know I shouldn't be a glutton for such a
blessing.

is this normal?
(kinda like the movie "sliver"?... what a shitty movie to compare my life to)

anyways... one phone call, and the safety of all of the keyboards,
computer screens, servers, and miles of inter-connectected data wires inbetween come
crashing down, the text becomes a voice, ...that's profound...

this is true to me though,
something about this qwerty voyeurism,
this electric anonyminity(sp?) that liberates me,
I know it's sad, but it is entertaining, if not fulfilling.

I mean I live where I live, and I ultimately decide how much I invest in hating,
loving, hurting, worrying about, interacting with, and thinking
about or anything with anything.

ok, well I think my revisions have damaged my original note, but if you're
reading this sorry there's not real point, but hey it's late...

goodnight
3:27 AM

2-19-2005(5:11pm)
ok, here it is,
moment of truth, if you will
do i have the balls to do this,
or am i going to get swept away?
let's see how it unfolds...
(if I sit here and do nothing, nothing will happen)

2-18-2005(3:41am)
I've been neglecting this journal,
making us much more intimate
it's because of myspace
the blog thing....
well, what's new
back again from nyc, it's all that
what's real? that's all

1-11-2005(10:01am)
hello, good morning
today it's raining again,
just got an early start
and found the french press coffee maker I wanted
some 12 bucks, not bad
I'll get it later this week
ok, have a great day now.
love, prosperity, and good things...
thanks!

1-6-2005(5.36pm)
well today I woke up sick,
worked outside for longer than I would have liked,
got my truck towed, and
spent the last of my money on unpaid parking tickets.
was I complaining yesterday?
Thankyou god, for slapping me one.

1-5-2005(10:05am)
good morning boys and girls,
yeah life, it sucks
but at least there's alot of stuff to do before it's over
I'm sorta thinking about what I actually 'have'...
somedays, I think all I have is you,
thanks for reading.
...on a lighter note,
I woke up early for some reason today
so I decided to make breakfast,
something easy like fried eggs and rice
so I readied the cooker,
(which included excavating the
previous dish one of my roomates had failed to make edible,
but hadn't yet begun growing spores)
...couldn't find the plug,
finally found it,
plugged it in, swearing all to hell
and started the cooker.
About 10 minutes ago, I checked on it
and found there was no rice in it, just boiling water.
that sucks, huh?
will alexis get his breakfast????
stay tuned...

1-3-2005(11:56 pm)
hi, I spent the entire day being sick
waking up every 10 minutes covered in sweat
couldn't leave the house
I shouldn't worry about being short,
me, dudley moore, tom cruise, and michael j. fox
and that's supposed to cheer me up?
ok, later y'all

January 2, 2005(12:03am)
hello, good morning
Happy Fucking New Year!(some things change and others don't)
a few resolutions are:
to quit feeling sorry for myself
to quit knocking myself down
to stop my suffering when I can
to stop smoking
and to get what I want
easy enough, huh?
oh, and to not neglect my friends and people I care about(all of you)
yes, may 2005 be profitable and alive,
and with minimal amounts of jive.

12-28-2004(9:19am)
I do deserve everything that's coming to me
alot of the stuff I do is crap!
now look,
there are other things and reasons
maybe I'll get what I want
maybe I'll get what I deserve
I could get nothing.
handling it is not the issue
the world is moving so very fast
what do I want?
money, love, complications?
grr

12-28-2004(3:25am)
I'm an idiot,
I do need to be locked in my room for 4 days,
that's the only way!

12-27-2004
hello, these last few days have been a whirlwind of activity
filled with more emotional headway/damage/etc.
than the usual years of stupidity.
I'm dealing with things like honesty, morals, family, dependence, trust,
not so much tact and strategy...
I wonder if that is a coming of age thing,
where I pay attention to me, and my life
and try to weave it gently into other people's lives
rather than the opposite,
where I let other people's lives form and filter out my life for me.
I think that is a reasonable conclusion, enjoy!

12-25-2004
ok, had a birthday a couple of days ago, 28 now...
merry christmas
no, I wouldn't dare put anything too revealing here,
(I know better)
the holidays are nice, it reminds me that I know my family
a lot better than any of us are willing to admit
happy holidays, everyone.
safe travels and best wishes to you and yours
celebrate life!
-alexis
p.s. I have a new counter now

12-2-2004(11.29pm)
really, I am so glad I forgot about this journal...
here:

9-19-2004(10:06pm)
at least she hates me...

9-12-2004(10:51am)
bitter rants, that what this has become, huh?
well this time it's about reality,
nothing's real, except maybe the money
but my gimmick is to still have hope,
in life, in humanity
so I'll tell you I do, and things'll be just fine
yes, just fine.
here:
"what's for you won't go by you"
no matter how hard you try to fight it off,
it will catch you,
I hope

8-14-2004(2.40m)
no I don't trust nyone,
fuckin fucks doin ll kinds of shit to me
fuck you,
you find your ltch nd hng on
go get 'em
I'll tke shot just like you did me
how did you hndle it?
bitch, mybe I cn lern from them
fucking rediculous
yeh, I'm feeling you
my pride won't let me
rging gin
wht ws it, I know I cme off s n sshole tonight
with severl people
whtever, i let you get to me, you don't do the sme
so pece

8-12-2004(3:12am)
allright, well today I'd like to thank
Sharon McJannet for asking me out to
see her boyfriend's show...
at the door, I happenned to find
a(n) One Hundred Dollar Bill ($100)
lying on the floor
it was, of course, too late to buy any lottery tickets
but now, I can eat and pay rent, properly
thanks!
-yours
ps. all of this written using control-v for my a's and !'s

7-28-2004(4:10am)
ok, so it goes...
my comfortable little world,
convenient
everything is so profound,
my paranoia says I'm dead.
what do you think?

7-18-2004(3:55am)
ok, I gotta edit some of this stuff that makes me sound stupid...
done, I don't know who is reading this anymore,
I don't know what is going on anymore,
this is my day(again) in a nutshell:
burning bridges
building bridges
dying
living
loving
hating, it's all the same, afterall, huh?

7/4/2004(3:23am)
oh, man!
happy fourth
peace
out

6-25-2004(1136pm)
party people, cast of characters tonight at the comfest
leslie,anthony,davefrick,aaron&simeon,donovan,post,jason
mikejordan,pat,greg,jefffernagle,chrisblousey,angela,
rob,rayfusco,beth,briangalinski,bruce,andytaylor,
mariavianello,mart&alexa&mike,pat,copper,lizatzenburger,
lauren,sarah,ken&savant,keikichihonna,emilyhausener,melanieshull,
jenniferannbell,bill&yuki,russianalex,the bygones,
grafton,tim easton,michellelewin
if you are on this list, this is an official shout-out,
cause I'm a dork like that
nice to see everyone again
feel the love, yo -alexis

6-22-2004(2:51am)
as good a reason as any,
I guess
hope I don't fail,
or prove I'm a wuss...
we'll see

6-20-2004(3:07pm)
hi, I'm back, here' s my webpage alexisdeleon.com
check it out

6-8-2004(3.12pm)
ok, I'm at work, f'n ready to leave for
the big easy
gas conference,
bring it on

6-6-2004(1:41am)
# Wearing jade will bring you luck.
# For your health, don't worry or be thinking all the time.
anyways, do I have too many aquiantences?
I may see you again
all of you
(of course, I remember and miss all of you)
everything seems so temporary
all the things that have ever meant anything to me
have turned to fleeting memories,
(that has to be my attraction to glass)
thus I speculate that relationships have become seeded in hendonistic intent
or weighted in some other area which I think or thought important
maybe it's because I don't quite trust my priorities, yet
even though these priorities are more honest and respectable then one may think
thanks
-alexis

6-2-2004(12.11am)
of course, upon further review
I didn't allow for any entrance
I'm so damaged, but I do love
peace, please

5-23-2004(11:28am)
ok, well my horizons may be as broad as they have ever been
step 2 of a long slippery slope path
it's stupid because it's friends
not just some
whatever, yeah
now really, what will the bridge club think?

5-17-2004(10:22pm)
ok, so I don't know who to be anymore,
I'm coming of age and have become a shy,
quiet recluse
am I going to forget my dreams,
lose them in a mess of paying bills
drinking carelessly,
and being overly sensitive?
I'm no fun
fuck it all
I skipped out on my accupuncture appointment
to hopefully get my computer fixed...
(traded one activity that will make me feel better
for another that will make me feel stupid, and ultimately worse)

5-14-2004(2:59am)
ok well this morning I found 2 four leaf clovers
picked up some responsibilities
spent some money
caused a ruckus at some korean restaurant
singing 'bohemian rhapsody' too loud
played off of racist paranoia
peace, elbow grease, and fuck you please

5-11-2004(8:43pm)
man, I can't find my phone,
and my computer is down.
today, yesterday...

5-9-2004(4:36am)
for the team?
I hate having a boss
do I trust anyone?
what the hell am I gonna do?
am I a complete failure?
I need to be released from all the shit that is holding me back

5-3-2004(12:11am)
ok figuring things out,
kinda sorry, kinda pathetic
fuck all
my japanese roomate is looking over my shoulder
reading all of this
making fun of me, not so funny
yesterday was fun
again I'll use keywords
(that I won't be able to place with memories of yesterday):
shit clogged toilet,
kieth clayton
goddamn gallery hop engagement,
18th century creamatorium neighbor asking us to leave,
umbrellas and nancy sinatra,
j.a.p.o. meat
peace,
keep on keeping on.
-alexis

4-10-2004(10:30am)
ok, so am I mostly a coward?
at least I'm no fake, or shady
I feel like people can't see through me,
because it's really me I'm putting out
I'm not dressed up, or acting falsely
I'm mostly tired.

3-23-2004(10:59pm)ssac
ok, so this is in case my goddamn, fucking bitchass computer
still won't work, after I try to fuck with it.
the story is: I installed "1n\/er$10n" and left it on for fucking hours
so some motherfucker put a virus on my machine
and now it won't even boot.
I closed mirc, shut it down and took it apart, didn't scan it, didn't restart it, nothing...
just shut it down.
fuckall

3-20-2004(12:15am)
hey, I really have to stop feeling so cornered, so stuck
I am, though, I am stuck...
anyways, fuckall

3-16-2004(3:06am)
ok, show's over now I gotta eat and clean up
thanks everyone, I love you all, you know this....

3-13-2004(3:58am)ssac
ok, so now I'm redefining what's real to me(finally)
nothing is really, but
I know that this show is real
maybe it's like a cotillion
where I present my work to the world
or just another show
it's my first solo gig...
people from all over the place are going to be there, like crazy
lots of people... show show show...
so (to keep in line with "what's real?")
this is real... this show is all for them
and you.
this is the get together where I can have people I enjoy
gather.
thanks for reading...
-alexis

3-12-2004(12:23am)ssac
hey what's up?
I just took some polaroid pictures of the studio that I've been in for 2 weeks
and I have a feeling I'll miss it...
I stared at the polaroid and then at the scene I shot
and noticed little details, kinda like in minority report.
it was a strange feeling
knowing that I could reach into this picture and change things
and knowing that I'd probably look at this picture later and wish I could...
we'll see...(I was told twice today that I need to take pictures of the studio space,
once by lisa and once by richard).
pictures make shit last too long
ok peace...
oh, and now I get to work in a shared space, whadda ya think of that?
that's the question I'll have for everyone who walks by.

3-10-2004(7:07pm)ssac
monkeywrench in my gears, worked through a g-love cd, then started another
my prof walked in with some dude,
and now all my insecurities and everything is at work
freakin out
freakin out
sorry, why do I do this...
it is not break time, get back to fucking work, bitch

3-9-2004(3:53am)
ok archives, so I can journal when I'm forced to Mac.
that's how I lost it in the beginning...
I lost it
p.s. oh, and yesterday's word was "crooked"
(from a flyer on the design school's floor, and from jake about a bubble)

3-5-2004(8:12pm)
my show, click later for a card
I found out I talk too much,
like I fucking care

2-26-2004(1.03am)
man, I'm free,
I excuse myself.
that's all

2-25-2004(6:11pm)
apparrently I'm a stalker now...
great, wonderful, brilliant....

2-20-2004(5:54pm)
blame,
I feel trapped and stuck like a fat pig
no backbone, or anything to support me,
alone, with nothing, but a bad attitude
maybe I just need sleep
outta here
ok, my nap's over, anyways
I feel better now, really...

1-24-2004(4:18am)
I 'chose' not to?
am I fucking crazy or just a lozer?
forget ribs on the beach
forget the bathroom
forget the walk of shame
forget I passed out
forget juniper
forget the dinner bucket
forget lunch
forget blossom
forget the marver(but the furnaces were cold!)
I'm not raging or dirty, intent is important, and I know better
forget, dickweed, forget...

1-16-2004(9:05am)
I can't be here and call this my life
totally empty
kinda.
assholes, sensitive geeks, conformist lemmings(assembled into a monster),
like I have a clue...
fuck you, I'll be me, you be you.
(that's what I'll important to not listen to all the bullshit in my head
There is alot of shitty things I've done that I regret,
enough to fuckin' ruin me forever, I believe it
anyways, yeah I let it get to me, and I get fucking buried...
so much more,
this is where being bipolar and crazy can help me.
crazy enough to think I can overcome this mountain of horse shit
and convince myself of a cheer enough to make my years of stupidity
an oblivious mishap of luck.
fuck you, you shady fuckwads, you have no idea...
-peace, but not to you.

1-13-04(2:20am)
defeated by the day, again
so depressed
I feel like I can't move forward, worthless
worthless
physically sick, I feel sick

01-7-04(10:18pm)
happy new year, ya?
another one of those freak out days,
you know.
I keep thinking, that's my problem
gotta stop thinking...

12-27-2003(2:18pm)
ok, I was thinking about the past
the goal is
to release the past that binds me,
and accept the past that empowers me.
peace...

12-20-2003(3:14am)
today I've decided to start taking note and sharing with you
the mysterious words that
haunt or follow me throughout the day
(the words that hit a resonance with me enough for me to trip over it,
with or without a reasonable explanation).
for example, a word of the past was "100%"
I must have heard that 3 or 4 times from different people
(someone was trying to tell me something... about school, about my career, about my lovelife?)
so... today's word is "Eagle"
I have no fucking clue

12-19-2003(10:26am)
have I worked for anything in my whole life?
anything?

12-11-03(9:14am)
destined

12-8-03(1018pm)
sad, I know
realest thing ever
could explain it, but would I let...
pick up and move on
I need to change(clothes)

11-26-2003(11:51pm)
ok, back where I started...
I know what that means
we finally talked... finally!

11-23-2003(11:12am)
yes. all I do is brood over shit,
I'm a fucking mess
caught a cold, and don't feel well
I'm so sick of the list of things to do
everything feels so futile, what is the point?

11-20-2003(9:33am)
crazy dream last night: I was wearing a necklace with a feather on it,near the clasp
and a necklace with things like lemons on it,
in a big grassy field on a hill, feeling good to be free
looking up and being saddenned to tears
that I could only see in widescreen
so I walk back to the 'cabin'
on the way up I get looks from people
get back look for beers in the fridge under the stairs
for some guests, as people walk by
I see some beers in the fridge that I don't expect
I think there's more...

11-18-2003(11:10pm)
treated l!ke shit, I get it
sketch, get fake
don't think of me
this was a good day for me
now I'm weeks behind

11-10-2003(8:57am)
am I really dreaming, or am I as hopeless as it seems
relax
sometimes I feel like I have nothing

11-8-03(10:15am)
ok, I get it I'm too obsessive
I blew it anyways, I couldn't take care of her
I so need to relax
uh...

11.1.03.426am
well, it's just me
(wouldn't it have been funny if I attacked tonight?)
(yeah real funny like that)
no
I had fun, I don't trust anyone
shit's dead
I have to worry about everything I do and say(just like you do)
like a parnoid freak
the 'good'(for those of the sort) news is
when I really do, do something to worry about, no one is really bothered
but you know it's not me to be like that...
and if you are like that, yer fucked

10-21-03(12:27)
some 'revelations' today:
- don't get consumed by bitterness.
- everything is gonna be ok.
- I should just really relax.
why do I a) allow myself to fuck up?
b) regret, and beat myself up over my fuck ups

9-30-2003(10:50pm)
stop doing what you are doing,
have confidence in yourself,
relax
it'll be just fine

9-27-2003(10:02am)
ok man, what the fuck is up?
getting spun, thown, and flipped over backwards,
what a day!(and it just started)
life goes on, man

9-23-2003
stop it, what does she need?

8-27-2003(1:10am)
ok,
me, me, me, me, me...
but I'm still not good at it.
go figure...

8-25-2003(10:10pm)
well, bombs went off in india,
very close to where
someone special is
I hope she's ok
that's all.

8-24-2003(11.15am)
nothing's fun....
Aquelera do Brasil
Brazil, where hearts were entertaining June,
We stood beneath an amber moon
And softly murmured "someday soon."
We kissed and clung together,
Then, tomorrow was another day
The morning found me miles away
With still a million things to say;
Now, when twilight dims the sky above
Recalling thrills of our love,
There's one thing I'm certain of
Return I will to old Brazil.

8-24-2003(12:47am)
I need to keep more secrets,
and not tell everyone everything,
(except, of course, you... I trust you)
it's probably a defense,
for when I get scared and threatened.
my mind is kinda the weakest, and don't have the power to deal
sometimes...
ok, neptune - secretive
saturn - developed, and governed
I think I'm picky, and that's good
"she's not affected, because they laugh at me, not her" - maybe mark twain

8-22-2003(6:18 am)
yes this journal used to be a report of the inspired life lesson
of the day...
but now has become a gripe session
this abuse is out of control
peace

8-20-2003(11:26pm)
obnoxious
thinks he knows everything
lazy
lacks self confidence
wallows in self-pity(this journal)
lacks direction
is broke can't manage money
never learns
needs to escape
is always considered guilty
not well liked
just give up, man...

8-13-2003(11.16pm)
hey what's up?
figured a few things out today, about treating people, etc...
but why is it always such a fight
I guess it cures boredom...
maybe I'm slow...
in fact I think I am
I need money and a job, and some responsibility
ok, whatever,
right?
peace

8-6-2003(1:10am)
ok, well am I really a selfish bastard,
probably,
I will... I'll try at least, gotta know what's up with me...
I try so fucking hard,(too hard)
and I could have treated someone better,
know it's too late...

8-5-2003(12.05am)
hi, yeah the world isn't out to get me,
but I think my new roomates are
oh well, if any of you ever read this
maybe I'll see ya, hopefully not, right...
hopefully not...

7-26-2003(408am)
hey, sorry bro about that,
I totally forgot you were mentioned
man I need to chill!
bad time to do anything but stay home...
really

7-22-2003(1:20am)
ok, how's it going?
just mustering up what I can,
it's not what I am in my world that bothers me
something else, maybe the real me, maybe what could be me
whatever, right? ["it's enough to make kings and vagabonds give up the very best"
sorry to quote elton john but that's an interesting quote...
and I'm not picky, just bitter and desperate...(from 'who wants to marry my dad')]
-believe in love,
alexis

7-15-2003(1:46am)
hi, so I read my past journal entries,
actually had them read to me by windows xp's narrator program, and
I am not impressed,
saw a sort of deterioration
from a hopeful dreamer to
a warped, pessimistic crazy
I can still chirp songs of hope without having to fake it...
but now maybe it's just buried a little deeper,
under lots of negative stuffs
which make up what you see and feel...
maybe I need to take a break.
-alexis
p.s. lot's of things, I gotta quit being afraid of people, I gotta quit being so paranoid, I gotta living the way I want, and getting what I want, and I gotta take care of myself better, ok...(I'll get back to you if it goes well, if not.. it's not worth it)

july sixth, two thousand three(four minutes after one AM)
I'm ok, thanks...
peace, catch you on the flipside of down...

june 21, 2003(12:15pm)
hi everyone,
on my way to penland,
so I've been thinking lots of things,
like hate(I mean, how is the world that you make for yourself?),
self-doubt(what are you really worth?),
and superficiality(what is really important?)
I also saw movies that I liked and made me think
like Spirited Away(made me think of the people I come across in my life, and what they are to me),
Kiki's Delivery Service(finding your motivation to continue with life),
Starship Troopers(what is acceptable in that society... with boy-girl showers(a great scene with some of the most pure acting), and the movie's so-real-it's-crazy pop culture)this movie mentions harvard
Bamboozled(spike lee adresses racism again but this time I felt emotionally attached to the characters)this movie mentions harvard
Catch Me if You Can(reality is what you make of it, huh? and the truth is always so fucking cool, and this movie mentions harvard)
one redeeming quality about all of these movies is that they all
incorperate a love or even sentiment, between characters.
and I even saw movies that sucked like The Last Dragon(a waste of time, it was the underdog-makes-good-and-gets-the-girl story)
ok, that's all for today
peace for all...

June 6, 2003(10:50pm)
hey 'dancer in the dark' sucks, man
buy the soundtrack but don't see the movie
...toyed with mostly

June 4, 2003(1:38am)
hey what's up we had a 'specify glass' show today,
it went well, I missed an interview with the lantern
I also found 2 4-leaf clovers today(off the same plant), coincidence?
no luck involved, man, none...
hmm, anyone seen that x-files when mulder found a whole handful of 5-leaf clovers, that was awesome...
I'm always doing something else when the x-files is on
peace and nacho cheese

May 17, 2003(2:30am)
hey, don't frown...
go good!
it's never too late

may 8, 2003(11:05am)
to you out there:
don't ever stop dreaming,
until it's over...
trust me, this is right.

april 23, 2003(2:07pm)
hi, back again, trying to get organized...
I think this journal has become too close to the real me
I need to talk about what a beautiful day it is
and how my sinuses never feel quite right...
enjoy the springtime funk, after all
it's ALL springtime funk.

march 19, 2003(10:01am)
we are going to alfred, ny to see an old prof, ruth
hopefully we'll have some fun, I like to party.
I wanted to go to nyc to see michelle, but it's not gonna happen, too far
(I like new york city)

march 17, 2003(12.22am)
for tomorrow...
love conquers all.
never lose hope, have some of mine...
-alex!s
oh and,
happy st. patrick's day

3-3-2003(2:15pm)
yeah it's cool, always depressed lately
it's the bills, the taxes, and the insurance
will I make it!?
whoknows...
enjoy the sun and everything under it...

3-3-2003(12:54am)
no, man I don't trust anyone...
I know the tricks
and I am as paranoid as they come!
so many little wierd things that make me think so
little things
wierd things
I know I used to care
I think I still do
if it isn't, will I know?

3-1-2003(2.26am)
is my heart capable of love?
still not sour from deceit,
not yet hopeless from lies,
accepting all the smiles from those, unknowing, who ween me from true life,
yes.
it is my place to believe...
until the end.
even she can't look me in the eyes.
a trust, so easily broken
is not,
can not,
no matter what we report,
be
a true love...
this is why I need more
(and need to say less).
you win
(true love doesn't exist you stupid motherfuckers)

2-26-2003(9:25pm)
that's fucked up when the only reason to be nice to me is
sometimes it's the only way... right?
mostly paranoid? or just plain lame, lame lame lame....

2-17-2003(11:17pm)
so...
"suspicion breeds confidence"(from Brazil)
that's why I doubt and the world crashes on me
incredibly worthless and distinctively puny.
I found myself to be somebody I did not ever want to become...
there is no appropriate penance, so now I wallow.
(why do end each day telling myself to do better?)

2-17-2003(2:08am)
man, I get to read my past entries, and they suck...
the last 2 were censored, sorry.
this one is about my complexes
one that thinks I'm worthless,
a 'you think you're better than me!?' complex,
a center of attention problem,
trust issues,
and some others that I can't think of right now.
it's easy to blame my childhood, adolesence, and relationships
maybe there was always something missing,
that's why I'm so messed.
besides that I think right now, I am just another lazy dreamer,
who wants it all, but would rather have it served to me, preferably without having to leave the couch...

2-11-2003(10:54pm)
ok, penny Alexis you are a moron
hmm, I wonder if my nickel will dime me tonight...
maybe there is more(or less) going on than I thought,
ok, I'm quarter here

2-11-2003(1:16pm)
ok, I figured out why I am 1 in my 2 3,
after my stay in the hospital, some 3 years ago, I became half 4
when you break your 5, 6 7 flows out of your 8,
my 9 10 was leaking this yellow fluid, and now
I think that it is because I have a dried
11 12 clot stuck in my 13
I have not gone 14 since my accident,
I realized that too, isn't that wierd?
maybe I have and had just forgotten
I don't know.
so, I should go to a 15 so they can tell me if they see anything in
there that's unusual, in the meantime I should 16 or something
to get that shit out of my 17...
l8r

2-10-2003(2:01pm)
man, I hope I'm not some monster,
some predator,
I have crazy evil thoughts sometimes,
I'll just pray for them to go away...
maybe I'm not right,
dear God I hope not...
...easy man, easy...

2-10-2003(1:28am)
ok typing this 2wice tonite, you phreaks!
so much shit to think about, what is art?
it ain't (certainly is not) me...
ok, late... don't take the bait,
alexis
p.s. click these links today, it's a nAsty computer art webring

february 7 2003(12:49pm)
goats, I got 'em and people get 'em
I can't let 'em,
think, rudeboy... maybe I always do mess shit up
use your head
that's all, mr. dowrong
nice to meet you please leave me alone.

2-3-2002(8:55pm)
hey
the pc is back, so there'll be more of me...
I've found myself more busy,
less bored and wasting time online
I don't know if that's good,
maybe now we'll see what a real failure I can be
if I actually try
(like I'm really gonna try)
peace like geese...
oh, I confessed

1-26-2003(637pm)
no I don't feel like a looser cause
I gotta work on a project during the Soupabowe
well, anyways, it'll be pirates tonight, that's
comforting
I gotta run,

1-23-2003(3:12pm)
hey ok, just a quick note...
Im wrong as always, I like dos alot, I always think the worst,
and too much of it. on that,
I'm the hell outta here...
peace and wrestling grease
"your making me Paranoid!" -dude in the backseat

1-20-2003(5:42pm)
happy new year I guess, I think I lost a few.
she doesn't read this anyways.!
I don't know why,
whatever whatever, I feel sick
I'm outta here...
2003 - why's this bullshit happen to me?

12-25-2002(9:57pm)
merry christmas
for what it's worth
to all you hounds of hell, those who are fallen too deep into the dark side
(am I one already?)
maybe I encourage you and temp you too much
in the end, you can do whatever you want
consequences are temporary
I'm a fucker
peace to the baby jeees
p.s. I'm at my brother's comp, mystery men is playing on dvd!

12-22-2002(9:54pm)
live from fucking dow's
2 hours and I'm fucking 26!
no, I'm not going to spend this one alone, not tonight
no
not tonight
(I'll spend it at a bar drinking my ass off)even worse
I need the truth, just a glimpse, not all of it

11-13-2002(10:15pm)
ok, motherfuckers still trying to smooth out the wrinkles from this weekend...
this is what happenned, wierd bad stuff...
josh's friend from back home got stabbed and killed,
ted's friend committed suicide
sally was held up at gunpoint at her bank
susan's boyfriend's boss pulled a gun on his wife
a tornado hit erin's county
a hailstorm broke my window
and I got robbed
all this weekend...
and to you thieves who took my projector, my guitars, my glass, and my gameboy
fuck you!
to everyone else:
peace and good vibes, until the weather says it's ok to go crazy
p.s. sorry I missed the marbles tonite.. that sux

10-21-2002(8:34pm)
and I can't help freaking out about things
I think I know...
only time will tell...
thanks!

10-16-2002(7:21pm)
you!

10-16-2002(12:02am)
hey, here again, I'm afraid that my pc at home days are limited
so I'll write something profound and leave you with something
remarkable...
the last day on earth...

10-12-2002(2:30am)
hello thank god it's friday,
it's actually saturday morning, but
nobody's paying attention
(to me, thank god because this journal entry sucks.)
"it's all the same day, man..."-janis joplin

10-11-2002(8:21am)
ok, back in beezniss...
me pc is back on line.
now for the regularly scheduled amount of comfort and disreguard for the web...

10-4-2002(3:42pm)
ok, fuckitall
I don't know, thingsa wierd...
plenty-o-fake people out there,
are you one?
peace out with your peas out!(not so funny, man)

10-2-2002, (1:33pm)
hey, another day like this...
kinda stressful,
makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong
and I know something's going right
I feel paranoid, like people are out to get me
I don't underestimate them,
but I also know that if someone really wanted me dead
it wouldn't be that hard
paranoid about strangers trying to make things personal
it'll get to me, eventually today...
I'll break and we'll see...
but right now I'm doing fine.
thanks, and take it easy, you "children of the going on"

10-1-2002,Tuesday! (10:42am)
ok, right now I'm skipping class
(yesterday vanilla beer, soccer, and yoga)
because I didn't want to be 7 minutes late(again)
I'm thinking that people might think I'm some primadonna
who doesn't need to show up for class,
especially when it seems like mostly freshmen in there.
I was also thinking that tomorrow when we meet
I could ask the person next to me
if we did anything and borrow notes...
more importantly right now, there's something going on
I remember saying to myself,
it's not necessarily what I need
but what I want...
maybe for a more comfortable life
maybe just so I'm not
maybe because...
I'm a hopeless romantic

9-29-2002(835pm)
hi!
I was told that I seem like I'm hiding something, and that I need to stop being
afraid of life, having one, and being a part of one.
now, on my way back from dinner with my parents tonight,
I realized what I'm hiding.
I'm embarrassed to admit to myself that I am not doing
this life thing right.
I am trying to hide the fact that I should not be here, in school still,
coasting with life, spending money that will haunt me later.
this makes everything that I've made for myself here seem terribly wrong,
and I cannot enjoy it without a nagging conscious.
I have no direction, I'm counting on my clever disregard for convention
to eventually make me successful at whatever I do.
I guess I have faith in God, and myself...
even if nobody else does!

9-27-2002(1:28pm)
things I should've done a long time ago.
maybe I don't know what's good for me.
forget about it, forget it all!
God doesn't listen to what I say.

9-24-2002(4:37pm)
ok!
I'm so fucked up...
stagnant, afraid to move on
then, I start questioning myself
do I have anything that's mine?
allright, here goes... fuckin great, here goes
wish me luck...

9-17-2002(255pm)
man oh man, I think the people around me are trying to make me crazy
Maybe they already succeeded.
hooray for you guys
please gloat when it's over, not a second sooner
then live your useless lives telling stories about it
useless, that's all...

9-17-2002(11:22 am)
ok, not so bad, I guess
not so bad
I guess it helps that I have no idea what I'm doing

A moment of silence for 9-11-2001

9-10-2002(1:31pm)lfcgay
what is it really all for?
none of this makes any difference to me
really
I should have... a long time ago

9-9-2002(425pm)
if you are reading this write something in my fucking
guestbook, please...

9-7-2002(1:oopm)
hey this is me, what's up?
just washed my rug with 4 goodyear blimps flying in formation over me
that was wierd
all of a sudden there was a loud buzz
and I expected to bombarded with water balloons.
college football...

9-6-2002(1:44pm)
ok, I feel fine...
confused maybe!
but I'm fine don't feel bad, don't feel good,
anyways, bo-ring for you, sign the guestbook, asswipe.

9-5-2002(4:18pm)
man, oh man
this is so crazy
you suck
I feel better

9-2-2002(11:28pm)
lfdows on high so I'm doing something wrong,
I feel bad about a chair.
I'm gonna return it when I can
I apologized 2wice, but I'll still return it.
and there's something else wrong, but I don't know what it is...

8-29-2002(12:11am)
hey just got done writing 4 essays for my final exam in history of art.
click on "exam" to read them.
it's about girls, gods, and monsters the usual.
sorry I was bitching at my teacher,
I don't hate her, she's just angry.

8-27-2002(4:43pm)
lf fine arts library
goddamn it,
bitter people, I'm fucking bitter too, so you go and fuckoff.
my history of art teacher is an angry dyke!

8-22-2002(9:57pm)
hey now wait, I'm at the computer labs
and this shit's crazy.
finals are coming next week and I got 3 2 study 4.
now I gotta check my guestbook

8-21-2002(2:33pm)
crazy bitch

8-12-2002(11:32pm)
hey another day, I need to start working hard,
instead of sitting around and getting fat.

8-9-2002(12:47pm)lfcgay
please welcome sam:
Hello, everybody! This is your guest journalist Sam! I am goin to put an exclamation point after every freakin' sentence! Alexis and I work in one of the most boring places on earth! Alexis is so cool! He's talking on his cell phone right now! I have a cell phone! It's name is Schmoouu! I was going to call it Herman, but my mother said that was an ugly name! I'm going to tell a story now! Once there was a little bunny, and it was bright pink! Like, NUCLEAR PINK! Radioactive pink that fried the beholder's eyeballs! Sweet, huh?! So anywho, one day the bunny thought, This Sucks. I want to take over the world! So Mr. Psychedelic Bunnyman went to the White House and knocked on the door! BANGBANGBANG! And George W. Bush came to the door and said what the dealio?! And the bunny said I'm gonna fuckin' take over the presidency and then the world! And Dubya recognized the threat to his power in the bunny, and shot the bunny dead! BAMBAMBAM! And since the bunny was a fucking bunny, which are pretty much useless, defenseless animals, well, bitch went down! And then, Dubya got the chair for his brutality, 'cause he killed a little crippled homeless minority girl in the bunny's shower of bullets, and America was saved! Thanks Mr. Psychedelic Bunnyman!
(I'm sorry I kept this -a)

8-4-2002(8:04pm)LFD
hey what's up?
well now, my shit is so not together, it's rediculous
quiz tomorrow and quiz tuesday, I think I'm ready
I need to find a place with more than one room
a bedroom, kitchen, and a livingroom
it's necessary...
ok, now something thought provoking and profound,
your mom.

8-2-2002(10:01am)LF CGAY
hey what's up?, I don't know nothin,...
what is this all about?

7-29-2002(10:24am)LFCGAY
man oh man,
there are a few things I have trouble with, I mean today I have to
start a new class, without a book, because I can't afford one
and I feel like crap, and the world sucks,
beyond that, enjoy the day.

7-27-2002(3:15pm)
ok motherfuckers, I don抰 know why but I can抰 type in my html editor
what the hell is up?
this is being written in word

remember, you can only fuck yourself?#060;br>

7-26-2002(11:21am)LFCGAY[LIVE FROM THE CARTOON RESEARCH LIBRARY]
hello hello, I'm back I got my password back, and now I'm online again...
for better or worse, I again have somewhere to put my crap...
my life has changed, I found that it isn't what I thought,
I still do believe that love is the answer and it will prevail...
(what a hopeless loser)

2-26-2002(9pm)
I am so wrong!
(ps.remember yesterday?)

February 25, 2002(1:46am)
hey today I'm 9,196 days old I really don't remember every day,
not even most of them...
is tomorrow a day I'll never forget
or even remember?
new today:
I figured I'm a flake,
realized I look back upon my life(like I'm dying) too much,
regretted a few days, cherished a few,
thought about my future,
realized that I put too much hope into tomorrow,
and found a word for my condition, apathy.

2-19-2002(5:24pm)
ok, lots of stuff, feeling particularly worthless. I feel like I was spin around the wheel and overlooked, by all sorts. there is no dignity in being me. I'm past worrying about that. why is my life so difficult. When I taste a morsel of it, I'm punished severly for it. really don't feel well, and I have only you, my anonymous lovers to cry to. parasitic, pathetic, worthless, I don't know what to do. end it now, you say, give up on your life, since you hate it so so much, poor fucking you, I've turned the page on you, see ya. my dignity keeps you alive with the taste of blood in your mouth, I need a life.

2-7-2002(142am)
I was thinking I want to be like a river, or the ocean, or the sun,
how for them every day passes, and new things come and go
but the river still stands the tide keeps rolling, and the sun brings the next day
things are never the same,
things can never be the same
I can think of 4 times in my life!
(off the top of my head)
when this exciting hope for tomorrow, for the next second was real
utopia, heaven, bliss,
I wanna be like a river, pushing through each day, relentlessly
obyeing time
yet I'll stand, like the day before, strong, and ready for when tomorrow brings the same
but I'm not like a river, and it hurts
when the perfect moments are pushed on
kept in my heart, and never shared,
only real for those who remember

1-31-2002(9:19am)
I keep trying to convince myself that I'm in the right, when I know, and the world knows, I'm in the wrong.
it's a wierd feeling like I don't even want to go outside
there is a way to mess that up, and I'm convinced I do it.
and remember, you don't know me.

1-30-2002
to sophie

1-27-2002(543pm)
new dayclock, that's all
later

1-25-2002(1:55am)
pathetic, nothing, wasted, lost, hopeless, tired, I quit.

1-11-2002(1:57pm)
you know that one story about the kid who all the kids make fun of and laugh at
until he can't take it anymore
and he snaps!
then
he gets laughed at and made fun of even more
then he wakes up the next morning and there is nobody there
who cares about him
woah
killed
and dissected
the kid who's adrenal glands were the life of a killer rave
and who's lats were the main course?
> that's you.

1-10-2002(12:08am)
hi, another shitty day, overcome by the darkness once again, defeated,
on to another, more important, less pressing subject
my recent exploration of an artist named Eduardo Paolozzi has been strangely
accompanied by an introduction to architecture.
convienent, isn't it.
still I remain a loyal fan to my favorite artist Egon Schiele(look it up, man)

1-6-2002<10:07pm>
hi Live From Dow's
wow winter wonderland action outside, about 3 inches of wet
packing snow.
ok, lata!

1-1-2002 (10.:28pm)
happy new year, I just got my wisdom teeth pulled, twilight zone marathon. insanity on tv, insanity all over.
it's getting close, I need to organize my thoughts, but I don't know
if that'll help or what. ok, we made it, happy 2002.

12-27-2001(4:53am)
ok!

12/23/2001(2:50am)
hello, another birthday,
again, I am alone,
but alive, and not in the hospital(3* strikes and you're out, right?)
*{in '76 the 23rd was in the newlyborne room, '99 was in the icu}
25 today,
ok, it's either 5:20am
or at 5:31
but regardless,it's open season from here on out...
just kidding... ?

12-21-2001(11am)
hello motherfucker
there is no story, still haven't figured anything out
with an emphasis on anything
what the hell do I want?
you suck.

10-30-2001(3:?? pm)
dude, new comp lab, free prints, rock on like your mother!
this funky split-hump keyboard gets me off too, peas

10-24-2001(3:14am)
hello nice to see that people are tuning in.
please tell your friends, enemies, co-workers, relatives, neighbors, family,
anyone anyone who needs a break from the grind...
you know I'll do my best.
email me, it don't cost nuthin, and I won't reply unless you ask(nicely).
love,
alexis
p.s.
ok, before I saw how visited my site was I did think of something to share
last week, I had a dream where I was drinking at a bar or a party or something
and I had to go to the bathroom
standing over the toilet,
I thought to myself wow, I really had to go, this feels great
then I realized that, that wasn't peeing,
this is peeing.
and I went.
yes, I wet my bed because I couldn't decipher my dreams from reality.
(I blame it on drugs)... anyways, now everytime I go pee, I think to myself,
damn, this feels good, am I awake or what?

10-9-2001(5:14pm)
hey fucker
no time for this, none
thanks,

9-22-2001(10:48pm)
lfd
hi, I was reading some old entries and I must request that you please excuse me...
the word "laid" should be eliminated from my vocabulary
unless it's used to describe railroad tracks,
carpet, concrete, or tiles(I think they're set, though)
anyways, like I said
to all you lovers
keep doin' what your doin'

9-22-2001(331am)
mornin' just got off my feet, and it feels great,
yes I am I a loser,
not gettin laid
there is no excuse
fuck you
anyways
this issue(as there are many) is about self doubt
I let people down constantly
constantly
sometimes I'm just what they need,
sometimes, not enough
sometimes I raise hell(becuase as we all know...
just realized I did not adress the national crisis currently at hand
I pray for all the victims, rescue workers, volunteers, relatives, and friends involved in this, my prayers go out to you.
I wish I had anything more comforting to say.
but I sincerely pray for you, God is awesome, we can find strength in Him

9-19-2001(9.05pm)
hi, first day of school, kinda scary
the glass program said they wouldn't have me this quarter
so I drove home wondering what the hell I am going to do now
I'll miss everything about it
it really does suck for me
bad
real bad

9-11-2001(belated)

9-9-2001(542pm)
lfd
hey football
anyways, love, adventure, and life
tell me your story, and we'll see.
keep on rockin' in the free world, please

8-27-2001(12:54am)
lfd
hey, crazy weekend happy birthday Cap.
I don't know what to say, never do...
still scared of livin'...
you've heard this before
I talk too much,
enjoy it all... that's why it's there

8-23-2001(1,14 am)
in the past, I've loved, cared, and the sort
insisting, I continue
thank you

7-29-2001(9.12pm)
lfd
hey, I'm fucked up, I know...
workin on it, thanks.

7-9-2001(8.51pm)
just because

I used to keep a more accurate journal
as far as my emotions go,
but now there's just no time, and
I can bee doing other things.
thanks for tuning in.
p.s.
Today I asked someone to painnt the town red with me, and was turned down, sucks

7-6-1(12:20pm)
hey, I'm a drunk, abused, and lonely soul. fuck all this.

7-1-1(10.37pm)
lfd
sup mofo?, winds of change blowin,
not at my back... I did my dishes today.
lator

6-29-2001(10.26pm)
hi, you wouldn't believe..
well, maybe you would!

the summer of love continues...

6-27-1(11.36pm)
!

6-10-2001(1o:3opm)
hi l.f.d.
sup yo? trickery, deciet, lies, truths, lives, and the sort.
I ask, how are you?
...
but remember, wherever you are...
it's almost over

5-28-o1 (1223am)
LFD
hi lovers, remember, that's what we are...
lovers.

5*26*1 dawn
my dream world is nice,
I can't leave.
I would like to know the truth.
but
I'm already crazy.
5.18.2001 1239am
that last entry was poorly written, and I apologize.
I don't know if I'm well,
I beleve in tomorrow
and I try to stay honest

5-12-201-312am
ok fuck it, here is a real journal entry,
I was thinking about shit like, masturbating, real life, inhibitions, rage, sex, then I saw a tape of me earlier in the day, and I realized shit about shit, but really what's wierd, is that things that mean shit to me, could mean something to someone else, but I don't take the chance, it's wierd I noticed how I am really oblivious sometimes, but feel over sensitive other times. before this I was working on being confident with my decisions, and trusting myself, and I guess, now that I think about it maybe I am fighting it. I don't know, ok well, this is...
no now wait, now I'm thinking about what's real, I do see into people, but really sometimes what I see scares me, sometimes, it can't be trusted, sometimes it's beautiful, really beautiful, there is a place in people's eyes, kept for the truth, past the glaze, past the eyewear, past the sounds coming from thier mouthes, it's not fair, I live there and hacve no other choice, I cheat my life if I don't and I can't live if I don't, maybve this iss the place of reality, maybe people have made fake lives with everyday things, to accept that this life isn't the one for them to live. to live out thier dreams, fantasies. I am scared, but I trust in god. This journal may just be for some kind of future inspiration, I don't know.
I am cautious, and paranoid, and oblivious... but maybe I hear what I need to hear, since this new reality has just been brought upon me, I don't know if I should keep with the original plan, about me trusting mywself, thakn... thnks...then agian it coulsd be jsut perfedct timing, and just what I nee.d.
(maybe I'm in my own little world)
more later... love

5-7-1(114am)
BLFD
fuck.

4-29-01 11.09pm
hi LFD(live from dow's)man, I don't know what the hell is up
I woke up this morning with my front door just about kicked in
that's nice, huh?
I tried being myself on saturday night, and it turned out pretty good
self doubt may be(is) my biggest obstacle
I am my worst critic
really, I think I need help

3-22-2001 10:13pm
hi yes, broadcasting live from dow's
played 2 games of pool, lots of friends, though
wish there was more...

2181340am
I'm still confused about how the world works.
I don't mean like compound interest or traffic lights
I mean like human relationships
us humans have been around for a long time before money and
before roads, and I'm know we've had these relations
but why can't I be like everyone else?
and funcion within these rules, lies, truths, whatever
maybe I should do what I feel...
that would be too easy
when I try to play the games
whatever
-alexis

2-6-1
hi merry tuesday,valentine's day is coming...
yuk

1-2-01
well, looks like we made it, another year has gone by
without us humans managing to blow it up or burn it down
we'll get there, one day we'll get there...
happy new year...

10-30-2k(11:52pm)
happy halloween, devil's night is something, isn't it?
hey if you're reading this, please, burn the negativity
and live in the positivitty.
amen brother, peace out...?

9-13-2000(1:41am)
hi, lots of stuff has happenned , some unanswered
wake up calls, some terribly disturbing character
development, a few spastic episodes. No I don't know
what I'm doing with my life, please email
me with suggestions and clues. thanks, love, alexis

9-8?-2000(2:29am)
la la la la hi again, we're here again
do you remember when
we had daily journal en-
trees are still green here
lots of gut from drinking beer
this shit is too wierd
for me and the dog
who can't read this log
who lives off coswell cogs
because his daddy works there
the future doesn't make me scared
bottled water in the shelter, I'm all prepared
I wonder what n'sync'll wear
tomorrow, maybe I can borrow, some fashons from a farro,
I'm not david navarro.

______/_
alexis\

5-16-2000(12:25am)
hi, I'm back. I realized today that I may be a little
scarier than I thought, I could be wrong, but
I don't know. this page does say alot...
some might call it introspective, some may call it
insanity, to really read all this crap
you have to have some weird obsession about me,
you'd have to be as preoccupied with me as I am.
and yes, that is fucked up(although I appreciate
the attention, I don't know I want it, or even deserve it.
ok, thanks, love to you all!

2-13-2000(5:20pm)
ok, not much to say, I feel like I'm getting old,
to some of my peers, it seems,
saving the world may have taken second place
to living a comfortable lifestyle... and there's nothing wrong with that.
but, seeing as how I haven't really accomplished anything
more than memories and good times, I really should start
thinking about what my life will amount to.
on that heavy note, I'll leave you...
-in the rain, Alexis

2-12-2000(6:40pm)
friggin' baby steps, this page is taking forever...
love ya!

2-5-2(quarter till 2am)
ok, please don't forget to celebrate what you have.
thanks
love, alexis

1-22-2000(12:25pm)
hi, welcome to another day, I'm trying something
new, a new page on to link to, from here, originally
a gallery?, but I don't know. I don't think I'll get
anything done today
ok, laters, enjoy

1-13-2000(5:45pm)
Hey the word of the day is "ether wind"
The nonexistant "light wind" thing caused by the
earth's rotation. In 1882 Michelson did an experiment disproving it and in 1887 Morley repeated it, with the same
result.

1-8-2000(4:37pm)
Welcome to another session, I feel fine today
I'm still restless and my attempts to save the world
are put on hold for now. good day, laters

1-6-2000(1:48pm)
Ok, while I'm still preoccupied with recooperating
I've been thinking, and there's alot of it to be
done, considering. So thourough exploration of all ideas seems reasonable.
I actually had ideas about the karmic implications
involved with the fact that I was covered in a feather filled comforter
when I tried to "fly"... some of the best I could
think of is that God decided that I need my legs
and arms for some reason, and let me keep them.
Beyond that I really haven't really figured anything out.

1-2-2000(9:35pm)
Hello, Happy New Year, wow, it's 2000 and the world didn't explode
for y2k. As the first addition to my webpage for
this new thousand years, I'd like to say something
timelss, meaningful, and shit, just something good.
I hope this millenium goes well, we should all think
positivity, creativity, and productivity for everyone
so we can all go far.
live your dreams, never give up, happy 2o^3... I guess -alexis

12-28-1999(10:54am)
Welcome once again. My discharge date is tomorrow
and I'm nervous about the 'real' world, I think I'll
be ok,(knock on wood). I'd like to thank the wonderful
people here who make up the staff, they are an awesome
team and I really appreciate all the work they've done for me
Thanks, Alexis.

12-27-1999(7:36pm)
Hello again, today I'll just update you on my mood, it's
ok, in the most boring, stagnant way possible.
I won't know the condition of my brain when I leave this
place, and hopefully I won't be slowed too much.
Today I went to the art institute and was thoroughly
impressed by the artifacts and artwork there.
I love art and I think I always will.

12-26-1999(5:10pm)
Hello, Merry Christmas yesterday, I hope it was white
in your area, mine was. Please be generous, kind and
loving this holiday season, and let it live on.

12-23-1999(8:28pm)
Welcome, and thanks for tuning in.
I've been working all day to earn the right to say
I have spent my birthday in a hospital bed
(more than one birthday that is)
and it's not worth it.
thank you, goodnight -alexis

12-22-1999(7:49pm)
hello, today I'm brodcasting live from Grandview
Hospital's rehabilitaion center. Eviedntly I felt that my post quarter
celebrations wouldn't be complete withou a 25-foot drop from my rooftop
and so(of course)I'm not one to fight the powers that be
and now I'm here, trying to re learn how to walk and not slur my words.
I'd like to thank my family and friends for thier support
I love them very much, and I'd like to say that I'm doing better and'll be out soon.
So until next time, love, be careful and unless you got feathers
don't even try it.
blah what a terrible entry!-alexis

12-2-1999(9:19am)
Good morning, strange things are in the air. It's hard sometimes
when the hill's too steep, the road a bit too windy,
you can cry or you can go on.
In my life I have been put where people want me, where they
feel comfortable with me, and I can be whatever you want
I'm good like that. But I think I've pent too much time
pleasing people(it's time to {chill}) it's no longer
a good way to be accepted, for me at least. Certain
roles in life, I guess, it's crazy.
c-ya

Tuesday 11-16-1999(8:27pm)
Hello, welcome back to my world. Not much to say today, kinda
tired but I'll get by. Shit I don't know what to say.
Crap on a stick.

10-16-1999(11:10am...one more minute, but I didn't try)
Hello good morning, fuck, I don't feel well, I have so much
to get done and it feels like no time to do it.
it's one of those things where If I don't start now,
they may never get done, I also have to stop using
my time unwisely,,,, Peace like a red fleece...
-alexis

9-1-1999(5:58pm)
I'm sorry for the disgusting journal entry, it wasn't
neat or anything, just disgusting, no truth, or anything
to it... although, someone did hit a possum in the road
the next day, it was disgusting. I have to tell you
what happenned, I found a kitten, and gave her away.
She was the cutest thing ever, I only had her for a day and
called her Yogurt. I found her a nice home, it's all good.
Hey well, peace, love and good things, Laters all. -alexis

8-21-1999(9:56pm)
Hello, welcome back into my world... Lately I've been
working... alot. I had 3 jobs, a day gig stocking a warehouse,
a night job running pizzas, and being a computer lab assistant
on the weekends. This is my excuse for the neglect of my
page. I would like to blame Geocities-ur Yahoo, but it's my
fault, too. What else is new... Not much, oh I quit my daytime
thing, because I wasn't happy. School starts soon, I'm trying
to have fun, and I don't know... I have some cool new pics to
post on my site, I hope you like them. laters! peace & happiness forever!

7-10-1999(10:20pm)
Hello world, if you aren't interested in spreading happiness
kindness, and positive vibes... I ask you stay out of my way.
The world psyche has been really messed up over the years.
There are actual people who decide to work against progress.
I understand the importance of certain sacred things that
aren't meant to be commonly known, but to destroy or alter the
truth, that says something for the society we live in,
the way we use our roles teachers, and (believe it or not) what we can
expect from future generations (until the entire world is
mislead, and nobody knows anything).
I don't believe in taking all of the collective knowledge of
all mankind and broadcasting it throughout the world...
but then again, would it help?
I realize that exposing certain areas of expertise could
mean the livelihood of some people, and I understand the
importance of that. I don't really know what I'm saying...
I guess a giant database of all human knowledge would be awesome
so nothing is lost... The keeper of this information has to be
somewhat trustworthy and good, I guess. I'm on crack.
laters all...
p.s. Happy Birthday!

7-3-1999(9:03pm)
Hello welcome again, sometimes when everything seems silly
all you can do is hope, and have faith that God will
provide and shine through you, and everything'll be just fine.
walk with faith, and it'll be cool.
It works, Try it today. love, Alexis

7-3-1999(11:21am)
Good morning, I decided to shine as long as possible,
clouds suck, but there is alot of goodness out there
it's all about finding it...
good people, I know you're out there, don't give up... love, Alexis

monday morning, still dark
hello, I'm tired, you know what this world needs?...
send me your suggestions

6-13-1999(2:08pm)
Hello everyone!!! Tonight we are broadcasting LIVE from
from Victorian's Midnight Cafe... The band just left,
they rocked. Rosewater something, they rocked. Allright
what do you want to hear about? Life? Relativity? Anything?
Anyhow we all love friendly conversation and there's
plenty to go around. Hey, keep breathing, it'll be allright.
We all love you...
be kind, and until next time we meet, love!

6-6-1999(10:04pm)
Hello all, I'm, back What do you want to know?
Here's this week's topic, Changes...
adopting to change, living it, and making changes...
I'm back, but I can't talk now.
Thanks, love Alexis

5-27-1999(12:12pm)
Hello, all. This week's topic is Quitting. Nobody likes
quitter... That is of course, if you weren't expected to
quit in the first place. I have been trying to quit smoking
for the last 2 or 3 months now, can you believe that?
My amazing stick-to-itiveness
has pulled me through
this terribly bad habit, and I'm working on developing
this new skill, hopefully to perfection. Giving up has
taken the best of all of us at one time or
another, losing the sense of accomplishment of actually
finishing, turning all the previous effort into wasted time,
admitting a goal too big for the likes of you,
and moving on...

5-21-1999(11:25am)
Good morning... school's been goin and goin this is wierd


揷 - where has the beginning of my journal gone????
(this journal was started in 1997 and one fine day while adding an entry on a mac, I lost two and a half years of entries!(the mac I used limited the amount of usable text editing space) friggin apple, and now my ipod which I love (it loved me back) is acting up!) well I was assured it wasn't apple's web browser that didn't allow me to save my archived entries, once again it's 'operator error' but my goddamn ipod still isn't working -揊

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