There was once a cow that had many wives but wanted to have a goat instead. So, the foolish cow took his 3 wives to market to sell to the farmers. Or was it that the wives took the 3 farmers to sell to the cows. Wait, it was the cow that took his 3 wives. Yes, well anyways, that particular cow was very greedy, so he offered his wife to a witch that had green hair for the price of 2 goats. However, the witch valued goats for their ability to eat anything, even feces and carts. So the witch took the cow and his 3 wives (who happened to be bikini models for Maxim Magazine, but that's a totally different and wacky story altogether) to see the witch.

The witch took the cow and his 3 wives along a long path through a meadow which was owned by a large troll named Herman. Herman the Troll didn't like cows. But, he did like women who posed in bikinis for popular magazines. So, the cow offered his brunette wife to Herman the Troll in order to pass on and enter the Swamp of oddities and mortification. So, now with only 2 of his 3 original wives, the cow followed the witch (whose name happened to be Garzarganela the Awesome) into the swamp.

In the swamp, the cow was viciously mauled to death by a blood-thirsty crocodile. But, being a cunning cow, the cow was reincarnated instantly as the same cow that he was before. Then, the cow pulled out a fishing rod and began to fish. The crocodile was amazed by the cow's fishing skills and offered that if the cow would be able to catch him a cod that the crocodile would apologize to the cow for mauling him to death. With great luck and skill, the cow caught a cod, which don't even live in swamps. They live in sub-swamps and semi-quasi-kinda swamps. But this wasn�t a sub-swamp or a semi-quasi-kinda swamp. Anyways, the cow gave the crocodile the cod and he apologized for attempting to have him for lunch. Well now that he had gotten through the meadow and swamp, the cow along with his 2 wives and the witch arrived at a strange place.

This place was called the moon. How they all got to the moon is quite a fascinating story in itself, but to make this story as short as possible, we will skip that part altogether. On the moon, the cow began to search for the cheese volcanoes that were rumored to appear there. After spending some time on the moon, the cow and all his pals appeared at the witch's house in Ireland.

Not many witches live in Ireland, mainly those small leprechaun guys that wear green and collect pots of gold at the end of rainbows, but ever since the witch got separated from a tour group, she scared them all off. They all are now mini-me impersonators at parties. Anyways, the witch offered her goat for one of the cow's remaining wives. Well, the cow loves both of his 2 wives, but decided to give up the redhead because she smelled kinda funny after going through that swamp for a few days. Well, now that the cow had his prized goat and his prized blond wife at his side, he began his trek back to his homeland of . Well the cow was so happy he all night with his in the of !!! Isn't that hilarious! I never knew cows could do that!

Well, then the cow decided to visit the White House for an unspecified reason to see the president. The cow was declared a national war hero, and was given a limo back to his homeland of . Well, now the cow had his blond wife and his goat which he so desired.

Then, the cunning cow read back in the story, and remembered that the witch had promised him 2 goats for a wife. Well, being upset at being ripped off, the cow went down to the army base and stole a fighter jet. The cow climbed inside and flew back to Ireland to see the witch about getting his other so-needed goat from her.

Upon arrival, his redhead wife attempted to grill him for giving her away. By the way, did you know that broccoli is green? Well, the redhead soon gave up, seeing as a-the cow didn't give a crap about her anymore and b-the blind, er, I mean blond wife had already stuffed her in a shipping crate to be taken back to the cow's homeland of so she could pick rice in the cow's many rice fields until the cow's return. Did you know that rice is a very important crop for China? Many, many, MANY people there eat rice. Rice is white. Paper is white, unless it happens to be another color such as black, red, or blue.

Well, forgetting what he was doing, the cow went up to the witch to get his well-deserved second goat. But, the witch happened to be drunk. She had visited a frat party the previous night and was still stinking drunk as a skunk. Oh and by the way, skunk's don't really get drunk, that�s just a dirty and rude clich� against our smelly 1-striped woodland pals. Well, since the witch was drunk, the cow just went and stole all her goats. But, the witch only had 1 goat so the cow only took the 1 goat that was rightfully his.

Then, the adventurous cow entered a mysterious land called Las Vegas, or also known as "The Land of Neon and Strippers". The cow loved neon. In fact, the cow's real name was not even close to neon; it was Gilbert. So the cow took his new goat and old (even though she is really 19) blond wife to a casino. He met up with a British chap named Jimmy. Well, that's what the cow called him, but his real name was Bond. James�Bond. Well, Mr. Bond offered the cow his exploding pen if he let him "talk to his wife". Well, James Bond took Gilbert the Cow's wife upstairs into his penthouse suite while Gilbert the Cow played with his newly-acquired exploding pen. Even though I have said the cow is cunning before, he really is a total moron. Sorry for that total boldfaced lie. I am greatly sorry. Well, Gilbert the Cow enjoyed his exploding pen. And James Bond greatly enjoyed Gilbert the Cow's blond wide. Yes that's right. You heard me. They played a rousing warm game of backgammon. Well now that Bond, James Bond (shaken, not stirred) had been beaten at backgammon (very badly I may add to make him sound not as cool as I am), he kicked Gilbert the Cow's wife out of his room.

Oh yea, I forgot to mention that Gilbert the Cow accidentally triggered the explosives in the pen and blew up the world in one gigantic ball of fire. Ha ha ha ha just joking. He only really blew up the Northern Hemisphere. Ha ha ha ha just joking again. Aren�t I good at telling stories? Well, the cow and whatever the heck else he had with him went back to his homeland of . But, his redhead wife never arrived. Her crate was accidentally shipped to Switzerland , and now is currently employed as a watch/chocolate manufacturer.

The cow used to wear shoes but ever since an angry shoe god punished him for wearing a hat, he stopped wearing pants. That is why cows don't wear pants, unless they are gentlemen....of course, cows are all female, so they would therefore be gentlewomen. Male cows, also known as "bulls" don�t wear shirts. Ha ha ha get it? No Bull Shirts! HA HA HA! Man, I really crack myself up.

Well, Gilbert the Cow, his 2 goats, his blond wife, and his strong desire for neon lights led him to his climactic hero-war-scene conqueoring. But, since this is only a story and not a high-budget Hollywood motion picture, the cow will live happily ever after in a small cottage in the woods forever and ever. The end.

Copyright 2000 Matt. All rights reserved.