The Show Must Go On

HARRY: No, you're doing it wrong!

HERMIONE: Who has the formula, Harry? Why... I do, don't I? How amazing.

DRACO: (professionally) You are doing it wrong, Granger.

HERMIONE: Do I criticize your potions? Mind your own business, Malfoy, or you'll be twitching your nose and eating lettuce.

DRACO: Actually, yes. You do criticize my potions. Which is odd, since it's the one class I outscore you in.

CRABBE: Bunnies?

HERMIONE: Anyway. I am not doing it wrong. Go rehearse or something.

(HARRY blushes furiously, but doesn't say anything. Enter PANSY onstage, followed by GOYLE, who is holding out a blue crayon to entice CRABBE to follow him. COLIN's muffled sobs are still coming from offstage.)

PANSY: looking over her script) God, this woman never shuts up, does she? I am not going to say all that.

LOCKHART: Summarize then, Miss Parkinson. I'm sure the rest of us would just as soon you speak as little as absolutely possible anyway.

HARRY: (muttering) Amen to that.

PANSY: (reads her script for a moment, then makes shooing motions at CRABBE and GOYLE) Sing to me and then get lost, you blithering idiots.

SNAPE: (dryly) Somehow I doubt that was a literal translation.

LOCKHART: It's called artistic license, Severus. And it was short, so don't complain.

(CRABBE pays no attention to PANSY's command, and GOYLE looks around confusedly. After a lot of moments, he rallies and prods CRABBE in the side)

GOYLE: Gotta sing now.

CRABBE: Sing what?

GOYLE: I dunno. Somethin'.

CRABBE: (thinks. It looks painful. Then he starts to sing. His voice, though bad, isn't as bad as GINNY's) Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb-

(SNAPE claps his hands over his ears. LOCKHART and the cast members are unaffected by CRABBE's nursery-rhyme murdering)

CRABBE: Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow. Everywhere that Mary went, Mary went, Mary-

GOYLE: (quickly) Hence, away! now all is well: One aloof stand senty nell!

(He exits, pushing CRABBE offstage ahead of him)

SNAPE: Is it over?

LOCKHART: Yes, he's stopped singing now. You can take your hands off your ears.

SNAPE: You could have warned me.

LOCKHART: And spoil the surprise? Never.

SNAPE: If you were a student, I'd give you detention.

LOCKHART: (innocently) Want to give me detention anyway? Teach me a lesson?

SNAPE: Shut up.

(PANSY is still standing in the middle of the stage, tapping her foot.)

PANSY: Well? Some of us have more of a life than this stupid acting thing.

DRACO: Pansy, you're supposed to be asleep.

PANSY: I will not lie down on this floor. Who knows when it was last scrubbed? There could be all sorts of germs. I could get lice, or-

(HERMIONE stalks onstage and hooks her foot around PANSY's ankles, tripping her to the floor. Then she gives PANSY's head a solid knock on the ground.)

HERMIONE: There. She's asleep.

RON: Hermione?!

DRACO: I'm impressed.

SEAMUS: (dreamily) I'm in love....

(Enter DRACO, carefully carrying a glass vial of clear liquid and the pruple thing, which is still sort of flower-shaped, but now more closely resembles a funnel)

DRACO: (turns PANSY over and drips the liquid in the vial through the purple thing and onto her face) What thou seest when thou dost wake,
Do it for thy true-love take,
Love and languish for his sake:
Be it ounce, or cat, or bear,
Pard, or boar with bristled hair,
In thy eye that shall appear
When thou wakest, it is thy dear:
Wake when some vile thing is near.

(Exit DRACO to muffled laughter)

SNAPE: What was that?

LOCKHART: Probably just water.

SNAPE: Probably?

LOCKHART: Unless you've been teaching a different curriculum than your textbooks would suggest.

(SNAPE glares at him. LOCKHART smiles)

LOCKHART: Anything you care to confess? I'm all ears, Severus....

SNAPE: The parts that aren't hair and ego, that is.

LOCKHART: (sounding thrilled) You like my hair?

(Enter DEAN and GINNY, arms linked and staring into each other's eyes)

SEAMUS: (grouchily) They're enough to make you swear off sugar for life, aren't they?

HARRY: (shrugs) If you say so.

DEAN: Fair love, you faint with wandering in the wood;
And to speak troth, I have forgot our way:
We'll rest us, Hermia, if you think it good,
And tarry for the comfort of the day.

COLIN: But I thought it was night...?

(Silence for a moment)

HERMIONE: Colin? Were you just... on topic?

COLIN: (bursts into tears) I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I don't want to be a tree! (hides behind NEVILLE)

NEVILLE: (resigned) Oh, thanks, Hermione. Seamus, I don't suppose you have a crowbar, do you?

SEAMUS: I have handcuffs.

NEVILLE: (thinks for a moment) Maybe later.

GINNY: Be it so, Lysander: find you out a bed; For I upon this bank will rest my head.

SEAMUS: Yeah, there's that bed and breakfast right behind you. Dean, why do you always fall for such ditzes?

(HARRY claps a hand over DRACO's mouth to keep him from saying anything)

HARRY: Just because he walks into it doesn't mean you have to take the bait.

DEAN: One turf shall serve as pillow for us both;
One heart, one bed, two bosoms and one troth.

DRACO: (indistinctly) Harry, if you don't let go, I'm going to lick your hand.

SEAMUS: Oh, sure, like that'll make him let go.

GINNY: Nay, good Lysander; for my sake, my dear, Lie further off yet, do not lie so near.

SEAMUS: Maybe go back to Athens to be hung?

HERMIONE: Hanged. Hanged is people, hung is meat.

SEAMUS: All right, hanged and then hung. Better?

DEAN: O, take the sense, sweet, of my innocence!
Love takes the meaning in love's conference.
I mean, that my heart unto yours is knit
So that but one heart we can make of it;
Two bosoms interchained with an oath;
So then two bosoms and a single troth.
Then by your side no bed-room me deny;
For lying so, Hermia, I do not lie.

SEAMUS: Huh?

GINNY: Lysander riddles very prettily:
Now much beshrew my manners and my pride,
If Hermia meant to say Lysander lied.
But, gentle friend, for love and courtesy
Lie further off; in human modesty,
Such separation as may well be said
Becomes a virtuous bachelor and a maid,
So far be distant; and, good night, sweet friend:
Thy love ne'er alter till thy sweet life end!

SEAMUS: Nag, nag, nag... isn't that just like a woman?

DEAN: Amen, amen, to that fair prayer, say I;

SEAMUS: Thank you.

DEAN: And then end life when I end loyalty!
Here is my bed: sleep give thee all his rest!

SEAMUS: You missed my point, Dean.

GINNY: With half that wish the wisher's eyes be press'd!

HARRY: I have a book right here. See? All the wisher's eyes, pressed neatly and collectable.

(GINNY and DEAN lay down on the stage far apart from each other)

SNAPE: Thank God. I think I'm getting diabetes.

LOCKHART: My, you're using long words nowadays. You didn't steal Mr. Crabbe's "Pat the Bunny" book, did you?

(Enter HARRY, who has escaped pink wings and glitter.)

HARRY: Through the forest have I gone.
But Athenian found I none,
On whose eyes I might approve
This flower's force in stirring love.
Night and silence.--Who is here?
Weeds of Athens he doth wear:
This is he, my master said,
Despised the Athenian maid;
And here the maiden, sleeping sound,
On the dank and dirty ground.
Pretty soul! she durst not lie
Near this lack-love, this kill-courtesy.
Churl, upon thy eyes I throw
All the power this charm doth owe.
When thou wakest, let love forbid
Sleep his seat on thy eyelid:
So awake when I am gone;
For I must now to Oberon.

(HARRY drips clear liquid through the much-used purple thing onto DEAN's face, then exits.)

SNAPE: And you're sure that's just water?

LOCKHART: Nearly positive, yes. Nervous?

(Enter RON and HERMIONE. RON is refusing to run across the stage, so HERMIONE is following a few paces behind him in a sort of slow-motion run.)

DRACO: It's difficult to chase someone when they make it so easy, isn't it?

HARRY: I'm almost positive that was a double entendre....

DRACO: Almost?

HERMIONE: Stay, though thou kill me, sweet Demetrius.

SEAMUS: Here, Ron, you can use this prop sword I found. Well, okay, it's just a bent-up paperclip, but the principle's the same, right?

RON: I charge thee, hence, and do not haunt me thus.

(Offstage, SEAMUS and HARRY make 'spooky ghost' noises)

HERMIONE: O, wilt thou darkling leave me? do not so.

DRACO: (imitating HERMIONE) I was about to make espresso....

RON: Stay, on thy peril: I alone will go.

SEAMUS: Best thing to do when coffee's involved.

(On his way offstage, RON trips over DEAN. GOYLE lumbers halfway onstage to pick him up and carry him off the rest of the way)

RON: Put me down!

(There is a clicking noise and a flash. GOYLE, stunned, drops RON on the ground)

RON: Neville! Where did you get Colin's camera?

COLIN: (snuffling) It was choking me, so I let him hold it.

RON: Give it to me.

NEVILLE: (takes the film out and shoves it in a pocket, then hands over the camera) Here you go.

RON: ...That wasn't what I meant.

SEAMUS: (cheers) Hey, Nev, can I have prints of that picture?

HARRY: Yeah, it should go in the yearbook.

RON: (muttering) Traitor.

HARRY: Do we have a yearbook?

HERMIONE: (doing her best to ignore the conversation offstage) O, I am out of breath in this fond chase!
The more my prayer, the lesser is my grace.
Happy is Hermia, wheresoe'er she lies;
For she hath blessed and attractive eyes.
How came her eyes so bright? Not with salt tears:
If so, my eyes are oftener wash'd than hers.
No, no, I am as ugly as a bear;
For beasts that meet me run away for fear:
Therefore no marvel though Demetrius
Do, as a monster fly my presence thus.
What wicked and dissembling glass of mine
Made me compare with Hermia's sphery eyne?
But who is here? Lysander! on the ground!
Dead? or asleep? I see no blood, no wound.
Lysander if you live, good sir, awake.

RON: Why would he be dead? Is he bleeding?

HARRY: No, it's probably one of those germs Pansy was on about earlier.

DEAN: (sitting up and staring at HERMIONE starry-eyed) And run through fire I will for thy sweet sake.
Transparent Helena! Nature shows art,
That through thy bosom makes me see thy heart.
Where is Demetrius? O, how fit a word
Is that vile name to perish on my sword!

SEAMUS: Fickle, isn't he?

RON: Yup. Germs.

HERMIONE: Do not say so, Lysander; say not so
What though he love your Hermia? Lord, what though?
Yet Hermia still loves you: then be content.

DRACO: (imitating HERMIONE again) You've got a girl, she's just not me.

DEAN: (tries to kiss HERMIONE) Content with Hermia! No; I do repent
The tedious minutes I with her have spent.
Not Hermia but Helena I love:
Who will not change a raven for a dove?
The will of man is by his reason sway'd;
And reason says you are the worthier maid.
Things growing are not ripe until their season
So I, being young, till now ripe not to reason;
And touching now the point of human skill,
Reason becomes the marshal to my will
And leads me to your eyes, where I o'erlook
Love's stories written in love's richest book.

SEAMUS: With chocolate sauce. (blinks) Ooh. Picture. Is anyone taking notes on what I say? In case I forget later, I mean.

NEVILLE: ...No.

SEAMUS: Well, someone should.

HERMIONE: (knocks DEAN down. He sits up immediately and continues to stare at her starry-eyed) Wherefore was I to this keen mockery born?
When at your hands did I deserve this scorn?
Is't not enough, is't not enough, young man,
That I did never, no, nor never can,
Deserve a sweet look from Demetrius' eye,
But you must flout my insufficiency?
Good troth, you do me wrong, good sooth, you do,
In such disdainful manner me to woo.
But fare you well: perforce I must confess
I thought you lord of more true gentleness.
O, that a lady, of one man refused.
Should of another therefore be abused!

(HERMIONE flounces offstage)

HERMIONE: (points at HARRY and DRACO, who are both trying marginally sucessfully not to laugh) You. And you. We need to have a talk. A nice... long... talk.

(HARRY and DRACO look at each other, then at HERMIONE, then at each other again)

DRACO: Last one gone has to deal with her!

(Both race out of the Great Hall)

SNAPE: And does that happen often?

LOCKHART: Oh, yes. Just wait until we get to the part where anyone not onstage is tied up and gagged. Miss Granger has a nasty temper with people she feels aren't quite performing appropriately.

SNAPE: (sarcastically) I can hardly wait.

LOCKHART: (oblivious) It's not that amusing. I can think of other things much more fun than watching students tie each other up.

DEAN: She sees not Hermia. Hermia, sleep thou there:
And never mayst thou come Lysander near!
For as a surfeit of the sweetest things
The deepest loathing to the stomach brings,
Or as the heresies that men do leave
Are hated most of those they did deceive,
So thou, my surfeit and my heresy,
Of all be hated, but the most of me!
And, all my powers, address your love and might
To honour Helen and to be her knight!

(Exit DEAN, theatrically. He immmediately starts following HERMIONE around like a puppy, trying to hug her. GOYLE casts woeful puppy-dog eyes as best he can at HERMIONE, and SEAMUS tries to peel DEAN out of HERMIONE's shadow. HARRY and DRACO sneak back to backstage, since HERMIONE's attention is engaged elsewhere.)

DEAN: Did you do something with your hair, Hermione? It looks really nice.

HERMIONE: No. Stop following me.

DEAN: I like the way you walk.

RON: (to HARRY) What did you do?

HARRY: (completely honestly) Nothing.

GINNY: (sitting up, speaking tragically) Help me, Lysander, help me! do thy best
To pluck this crawling serpent from my breast!
Ay me, for pity! what a dream was here!
Lysander, look how I do quake with fear:
Methought a serpent eat my heart away,
And you sat smiling at his cruel prey.
Lysander! what, removed? Lysander! lord!
What, out of hearing? gone? no sound, no word?
Alack, where are you speak, an if you hear;
Speak, of all loves! I swoon almost with fear.
No? then I well perceive you all not nigh
Either death or you I'll find immediately.

(GINNY exits, sweeping tragically offstage to muffled laughter)

RON: Why does everyone expect to die suddenly in these plays?

GINNY: (loftily) She says she'll die if she doesn't find the man she loves. It's romantic.

RON: Bloody stupid is what I call it.

DEAN: (starry-eyed, to HERMIONE) I like the way you glare at me.