The Show Must Go On

(The stage is empty except for COLIN, who is tied to a chair, gagged, and has had butcher-paper leaves glued on him.)

SNAPE: Explain that, Lockhart. (Points at COLIN. Implicit in his tone is, �I dare you.�)

LOCKHART: This next scene takes place in the forest. In fact, most of the rest of the play takes place in the forest. As you can see, we have a tree thanks to the pioneering efforts of Mr. Crabbe-

CRABBE: Tree pretty.

LOCKHART: We know. Now be quiet. Unfortunately, since Mr. Creevey is needed later in the play for more active roles, he will only we playing a tree for this scene.

SNAPE: And he�s choosing to play a tree, is he?

LOCKHART: Oh, yes. Theater is in his soul. Isn�t it, Mr. Creevey?

COLIN: MMMPH! NUH! NUH!

LOCKHART: You see?

SNAPE: Then why, pray tell, is he gagged?

LOCKHART: Trees don�t talk, Severus. Don�t you know that?

(Enter, from opposite sides, HARRY and GOYLE. GOYLE has a pair of small gauzy pink wings attached to the back of his robes, and HERMIONE has dumped silver glitter in his hair backstage)

SEAMUS: (pouting) How come he always gets the really good bit parts?

DEAN: (placating) It�s because we really like having you backstage.

HERMIONE: Yes, where we can beat you down if you get out of hand.

HARRY: How now, spirit! whither wander you?

GOYLE: Over hill, over dale,
Thru bush, thru beer,
Over park, over pale,
Thru flud, thru fire,
I do wander. . . every-where,
Swif-ter than the moon's spear;
And I serve the fairy queen,
To dew her orbs upon the green. . .

SEAMUS: Ooh, Pansy, did you hear that? He dews your orbs!

PANSY: Shut up, Finnegan! Shut up, shut up, shut up!

SEAMUS: (sing-song) You�re blush-ing....

PANSY: Just die, all right? Die!

GOYLE: The cow�s lips tall her pens-io-ners be:
In their gold coats spots you see;
Those be rubbies, fairy. . . fav oars,
In those freckles live their. . . save oars:
I must go seek some dewdrops here
And hang a peerl in every cow�s lip's ear. . . (looks confused)
�Mione?

HERMIONE: (sighs) Yes, Greg?

GOYLE: Cow�s lips have ears?

HERMIONE: Just read the lines. Worry about what they mean later, okay?

GOYLE: Okay. Uhm. . .Farewell, thoo lob of spirits; I'll be gone:
Our queen and all our elves come here an on.

HARRY: The king doth keep his revels here to-night:
Take heed the queen come not within his sight;
For Oberon is passing fell and wrath,
Because that she as her attendant hath
A lovely boy, stolen from an Indian king;
She never had so sweet a changeling;
And jealous Oberon would have the child
Knight of his train, to trace the forests wild;
But she perforce withholds the loved boy,
Crowns him with flowers and makes him all her joy:
And now they never meet in grove or green,
By fountain clear, or spangled starlight sheen,
But, they do square, that all their elves for fear
Creep into acorn-cups and hide them there.

RON: Wait a minute. Wait just one minute. They�re fighting over a boy? The king and the queen are fighting over a boy?

HERMIONE: (sounding like she�s swallowed a literature textbook) That�s usually where the conflict in romantic comedies comes in, Ron. Two characters are fighting over a mutual object of their affection.

RON: But... but....

DRACO: [sweetly] But what?

RON: (helplessly) This is sick!

GOYLE: Either I mis-take your shape and making quite,
Or else you are that shrood and kenn-av-ish sprite
Calld Robin Goodfellow: are not you he
That frights the maidens of the. . . villagery;
Skim milk, and sometimes lab oor in the. . . queer?
And boot less make the breath less house wife churn;
And some-time make the drink to bear no. . . barn?
Miss lead night-wand-erers, laff-ing at their harm?
Those that Hobgoblin call you and sweet Puck,
You do their work, and they shall have good luck:
Are not you he?

HERMIONE: Oh, very good, Greg! Very good!

RON: I can�t believe you�re encouraging him.

HERMIONE: Someone�s got to. His friends (pointed glare at CRABBE, who is too busy drawing to notice, and DRACO, who ignores her) don�t seem to be doing a very good job.

SEAMUS: (sniggering) Better be careful, Hermione, he might follow you home. And we don�t even know whether he�s housebroken.

LOCKHART: That�s enough on that topic, Mr. Finnegan. I don�t think we want Miss Granger to get angry at you.

SNAPE: (curious) What would happen if she did?

LOCKHART: I have no idea. I just needed a handy threat.

HARRY: Thou speak'st aright;
I am that merry wanderer of the night.
I jest to Oberon and make him smile
When I a fat and bean-fed horse beguile,
Neighing in likeness of a filly foal:
And sometime lurk I in a gossip's bowl,
In very likeness of a roasted crab,

SEAMUS: That�d be a wretched Animagus form, you know that? Like. . . don�t mess with me, Mister! I�ll turn into a crab and give your toes such a pinch!

HARRY: And when she drinks, against her lips I bob
And on her wither'd dewlap pour the ale.
The wisest aunt, telling the saddest tale,
Sometime for three-foot stool mistaketh me;
Then slip I from her bum, down topples she,
And 'tailor' cries, and falls into a cough;

DEAN: And that�s funny?

GINNY: I think it�s supposed to be.

HARRY: And then the whole quire hold their hips and laugh,
And waxen in their mirth and neeze and swear

NEVILLE: Neeze? How does someone do that?

SEAMUS: A few ideas leap to mind.

NEVILLE: Couldn�t make them leap any higher, could you?

HARRY: A merrier hour was never wasted there.

DEAN: I guess it�s a matter of taste.

HARRY: But, room, fairy! here comes Oberon.

RON: Harry, you don�t need to look so pleased about it, do you?

GOYLE: And here my mistress. Would that he were gone!

COLIN: (from his �tree� costume) Mm? Psnymn? Dnrstn! (starts to cry)

(Enter, from opposite sides, DRACO dragging NEVILLE along by the back of his robes and PANSY leading CRABBE with a red crayon)

DRACO: Ill met by moonlight, proud Titania.

(He lets go of NEVILLE, who immediately dashes offstage. There are the sounds of someone being violently sick.)

GINNY: Ewww.

HERMIONE: Well, that IS what I put the bucket there for.

PANSY: (monotone, bored) What, jealous Oberon. Fairies, skip hence: I have forsworn his bed and company.

DRACO: Tarry, rash wanton: am not I thy lord?

HARRY: (aside to PANSY, under his breath) Say no.

PANSY: (glares at HARRY) Then I must be thy lady: but I know When thou hast stolen away from fairy land, And in the shape of Corin sat all day, Playing on pipes of corn and versing love To amorous Phillida. Why art thou here, Come from the farthest steep of India. But that, forsooth, the bouncing Amazon, Your buskin'd mistress and your warrior love, To Theseus must be wedded, and you come To give their bed joy and prosperity.

SEAMUS: Oh, how sweet. See, Colin, we all love you. Pansy just calle dyou a bouncing Amazon.

(COLIN cries harder)

DRACO: How canst thou thus for shame, Titania,
Glance at my credit with Hippolyta,
Knowing I know thy love to Theseus?
Didst thou not lead him through the glimmering night
From Perigenia, whom he ravished?
And make him with fair Aegle break his faith,
With Ariadne and Antiopa?

DEAN: And now we�ll play the name-dropping game. How many names can you say in one line? Seven is our record to beat. Our record is seven, ladies and gentlemen.

PANSY: (bored, trying to keep CRABBE from taking the crayon out of her hand) These are the forgeries of blah. Blah, blah, blah. Blah blah. Blah. Blah, blah parents and original.

LOCKHART: That was. . . unique, Miss Parkinson. And a time saver, thank you.

DRACO: Do you amend it then; it lies in you:
Why should Titania cross her Oberon?
I do but beg a little changeling boy,
To be my henchman.

RON: You have two henchthings already!

PANSY: Whatever. Pretend I said the line. My arm�s getting sore from holding this crayon.

CRABBE: (hopefully) You could give it an� yer arm won�t hurt no more.

PANSY: Fat chance, gorilla boy.

DRACO: How long within this wood intend you stay?

PANSY: (sniffs, giving her script to CRABBE to keep him from getting the crayon) Not much longer. This is boring.

DRACO: Give me that boy, and I will go with thee.

SEAMUS: (snickers) Hey, I think I can see steam coming out his ears.

HERMIONE: Well, you�d be angry too if you were trying to act properly and no one around you was cooperating.

HARRY: (startled) I�m cooperating!

PANSY: (nastily) I know you are, Potter. I�m out of here.

(She exits, still carrying the crayon. CRABBE drops her script on the ground and follows the bright color)

DRACO: Well, go thy way: thou shalt not from this grove
Till I torment thee for this injury.
My gentle Puck, come hither.

(He sits on the stage and beckons HARRY over. HARRY sits next to him, smiling slightly)

DRACO: Thou rememberest
Since once I sat upon a promontory,
And heard a mermaid on a dolphin's back
Uttering such dulcet and harmonious breath
That the rude sea grew civil at her song
And certain stars shot madly from their spheres,
To hear the sea-maid's music.

HARRY: I remember.

SEAMUS: Should we be seeing this?

HERMIONE: Seamus, they�re acting. Acting! You know, it�s where you pretend to be someone else and you have lines to say and you say them?

SEAMUS: Sure. Riiight. Whatever you say.

DRACO: That very time I saw, but thou couldst not,
Flying between the cold moon and the earth,
Cupid all arm'd: a certain aim he took
At a fair vestal throned by the west,
And loosed his love-shaft smartly from his bow,
As it should pierce a hundred thousand hearts;
But I might see young Cupid's fiery shaft
Quench'd in the chaste beams of the watery moon,
And the imperial votaress passed on,
In maiden meditation, fancy-free.
(He puts an arm around HARRY�s shoulders and leans over to speak quietly as if in HARRY�s ear)
Yet mark'd I where the bolt of Cupid fell:
It fell upon a little western flower,
Before milk-white, now purple with love's wound,
And maidens call it love-in-idleness.
Fetch me that flower; the herb I shew'd thee once:
The juice of it on sleeping eye-lids laid
Will make or man or woman madly dote
Upon the next live creature that it sees.
(more loudly, as in command) Fetch me this herb; and be thou here again
Ere the leviathan can swim a league.

HARRY: (grins and winks) I'll put a girdle round about the earth
In forty minutes.

(Exit HARRY)

RON: Um. . . Harry, we�re friends, right?

HARRY: confused) Yeah.

RON: And we trust each other, right?

HARRY: (still confused) Yeah.

RON: So what the hell is going on?

HARRY: I�m acting.

RON: (muttering) Sure, like I believe that one.

DRACO: Having once this juice,
I'll watch Titania when she is asleep,
And drop the liquor of it in her eyes.
The next thing then she waking looks upon,
Be it on lion, bear, or wolf, or bull,
On meddling monkey, or on busy ape,
She shall pursue it with the soul of love:
And ere I take this charm from off her sight,
As I can take it with another herb,
I'll make her render up her page to me.
But who comes here? I am invisible;
And I will overhear their conference.

(Enter RON, with HERMIONE trailing along after him. GOYLE is still onstage, rubbing his face to try and get the glitter off)

LOCKHART: Sets need work, costumes need work. . . Severus, would you give Miss Granger a hand with costuming? I mean, since you�re here.

SNAPE: I would rather spend eternity in the fiery pits of hell.

LOCKHART: So that�s a no, then, is it? Too bad. You�d enjoy it, I think. All gauze and frills.

SNAPE: (icy) Excuse me?

LOCKHART: Well, most of the characters are fairies, you know.

(HARRY, backstage, locates a blackboard and some chalk and draws a point tally on it. The tally reads, "Lockhart 2, Snape 1")

RON: (trying to ignore both LOCKHART and SNAPE) I love thee not, therefore pursue me not.
Where is Lysander and fair Hermia?
The one I'll slay, the other slayeth me.
Thou told'st me they were stolen unto this wood;
And here am I, and wode within this wood,
Because I cannot meet my Hermia.
Hence, get thee gone, and follow me no more.

HERMIONE: (tragically, pounces on RON from behind and locks her arms around his neck) You draw me, you hard-hearted adamant;
But yet you draw not iron, for my heart
Is true as steel: leave you your power to draw,
And I shall have no power to follow you.

SEAMUS: Come on, Hermione! Whips! Smiting! There has to be some in the script somewhere.

GINNY: There isn�t. Honestly, is that all you think about?

SEAMUS: No, not all.

GINNY: That�s a mercy.

SEAMUS: Sometimes I�m thinking about gags and handcuffs.

RON: (ducking away from HERMIONE) Do I entice you? do I speak you fair?
Or, rather, do I not in plainest truth
Tell you, I do not, nor I cannot love you?

HERMIONE: pouncing again, clinging to RON�s neck like a limpet) And even for that do I love you the more.
I am your spaniel; and, Demetrius,
The more you beat me, I will fawn on you:
Use me but as your spaniel, spurn me, strike me,
Neglect me, lose me; only give me leave,
Unworthy as I am, to follow you.
What worser place can I beg in your love,--
And yet a place of high respect with me,--
Than to be used as you use your dog?

SEAMUS: Ooh... there�s an image....

DEAN: (waves a hand in front of SEAMUS�s face) I think we lost him.

RON: (trying to get away from HERMIONE) Tempt not too much the hatred of my spirit;
For I am sick when I do look on thee.
(in an undertone) Hermione, seriously. Let go. You�re cutting off my breathing.

HERMIONE: does not let go) And I am sick when I look not on you.

RON: You do impeach your modesty too much,
To leave the city and commit yourself
Into the hands of one that loves you not;
To trust the opportunity of night
And the ill counsel of a desert place
With the rich worth of your virginity.

(SEAMUS snaps out of his daydream at that)

SEAMUS: Did I miss anything?

DEAN: No, not really.

HERMIONE: Your virtue is my privilege: for that
It is not night when I do see your face,
Therefore I think I am not in the night;
Nor doth this wood lack worlds of company,
For you in my respect are all the world:
Then how can it be said I am alone,
When all the world is here to look on me?

DRACO: (aside, to RON) Ah, female logic at its best. Riposte that, Weasley.

RON: I'll run from thee and hide me in the brakes,
And leave thee to the mercy of wild beasts.

DRACO: Coward.

HERMIONE: The wildest hath not such a heart as you.
Run when you will, the story shall be changed:
Apollo flies, and Daphne holds the chase;
The dove pursues the griffin; the mild hind
Makes speed to catch the tiger; bootless speed,
When cowardice pursues and valour flies.

SEAMUS: You go, girl!

RON: (finally manages to break free of HERMIONE�s grip, dashes a few feet away, gasping, and points at her) I will not stay thy questions; let me go:
Or, if thou follow me, do not believe
But I shall do thee mischief in the wood.

SEAMUS: Now should we be seeing this?

GINNY: It�s still acting, Seamus.

HERMIONE: Ay, in the temple, in the town, the field,
You do me mischief. Fie, Demetrius!
Your wrongs do set a scandal on my sex:
We cannot fight for love, as men may do;
We should be wooed and were not made to woo.

(RON, looking hunted, dashed offstage. A few seconds later there is the sound of a door opening and then slamming shut)

HERMIONE: I'll follow thee and make a heaven of hell,
To die upon the hand I love so well.

(She dashes offstage in hot pursuit)

DRACO: (stands up and walks to center stage, watching HERMIONE follow RON out of the Great Hall) Fare thee well, nymph: ere he do leave this grove,
Thou shalt fly him and he shall seek thy love.
(Re-enter HARRY) Hast thou the flower there? Welcome, wanderer.

HARRY: (holds out a construction in violet butcher paper that might generously be called a flower) Ay, there it is.

DRACO: I pray thee, give it me.

(HARRY hands over the purple thing)

DEAN: It kind of takes the romance out of it when someone gives you a flower because you tell them to, I think.

DRACO: (toys with the �flower� and leans towards HARRY, again conspiratorial) I know a bank where the wild thyme blows,
Where oxlips and the nodding violet grows,
Quite over-canopied with luscious woodbine,
With sweet musk-roses and with eglantine:
There sleeps Titania sometime of the night,
Lull'd in these flowers with dances and delight;
And there the snake throws her enamell'd skin,
Weed wide enough to wrap a fairy in:
And with the juice of this I'll streak her eyes,
And make her full of hateful fantasies.
Take thou some of it, and seek through this grove:
A sweet Athenian lady is in love
With a disdainful youth: anoint his eyes;
But do it when the next thing he espies
May be the lady: thou shalt know the man
By the Athenian garments he hath on.
Effect it with some care, that he may prove
More fond on her than she upon her love:
And look thou meet me ere the first cock crow.

(SEAMUS snickers, but doesn�t say anything.)

HARRY: Fear not, my lord, your servant shall do so.

LOCKHART: And that�s that for act two scene one. Miss Granger, Mr. Malfoy, Mr. Potter, excellent jobs all.

COLIN: Wnghm... wnghm... wnghm....

(NEVILLE wanders onstage and starts untying COLIN. As soon as he�s done, COLIN sort of falls forward and starts crying into NEVILLE�s chest. NEVILLE looks alarmed and pats him on the head a few times)

COLIN: I�ll be quiet. I�ll be quiet. I�ll wear the dress. I don�t want to be a tree anymore.

LOCKHART: Wonderful, Mr. Creevey. Now, go find your script.

SNAPE: If I didn�t know you were an idiot, I�d think you planned that.

LOCKHART: Who, me?