All the World's a Stage

(Offstage, CRABBE drops a pile of metal pans on the floor to simulate an alarm, and SEAMUS, DEAN, COLIN, and PANSY go onstage. PANSY has had red stuff, possibly paint or ketchup, dumped in her hair so that it appears she is bleeding from a head wound, and she is obviously angry about it.)

DRACO: (half-admiring) I cannot believe you did that, Granger.

HERMIONE: I'm in charge of the costuming, aren't I? Watch the same doesn't happen to you later.

SEAMUS: What bloody man is that? He can report,
As seemeth by his plight, of the revolt
The newest state.

NEVILLE: Well, first off that's a 'her', Seamus. And second off... it's ketchup, I think.

SEAMUS: Ssssh! I'm jsut tweaking Pansy a little... seeing how long it takes her to fall over.

HARRY: Hey, Hermione... why ketchup? I mean, you knocked her flat in the last play. What's a head wound between friends?

HERMIONE: She is not my friend, and you're heading the right way for a head wound, Harry, so don't push me.

(HANNAH is watching with wide eyes)

HANNAH: Is she always like this?

DRACO: Nah, only when she's breathing.

DEAN: This is the sergeant
Who like a good and hardy soldier fought
'Gainst my captivity. Hail, brave friend!
Say to the king the knowledge of the broil
As thou didst leave it.

CRABBE: (puzzled) She weren't in the kitchens.

DRACO: DOn't think too hard. You might have an aneurysm.

PANSY: Sweet mother of... why do I always get the talky ones? This guy's bleeding from the head and he's yammering on like an idiot! I'll summarize. We won.

SEAMUS: O valiant cousin! worthy gentleman!

PANSY: (deciphering script) Yeah, whatever. It was close, apparently.

SEAMUS: Dismay'd not this
Our captains, Macbeth and Banquo?

PANSY: Know what? I don't care! I have to go wash my hair because someone dumped ketchup in it. See you losers later.

SEAMUS: So well thy words become thee as thy wounds;
They smack of honour both. Go get him surgeons.
(Exit PANSY, in a huff) Who comes here?

(Enter NEVILLE, cuddling a VERY battered Bobo the teddy bear)

DEAN: The worthy thane of Ross.

PANSY: (quickly fading voice) Or it could be a freak with a teddy bear.

COLIN: Hi Neville!

HERMIONE: Oh no... it's happening again....

HANNAH: What is?

HERMIONE: Colin's only been in the right place at the right time once.

HANNAH: Ohhhh. My. I could help with that if you wanted.

HERMIONE: Thanks for the offer, Hannah, btu I think Colin's beyond help.

NEVILLE: God save the king!

SEAMUS: Whence camest thou, worthy thane?

NEVILLE: From Fife, great king;
Where the Norweyan banners flout the sky
And fan our people cold. Norway himself,
With terrible numbers,
Assisted by that most disloyal traitor
The thane of Cawdor, began a dismal conflict;
Till that Bellona's bridegroom, lapp'd in proof,

SEAMUS: Lapped in what? Oooh-

HERMIONE: If you say 'picture', seamus Finnegan, I'm walking out there and strangling you, then leaving your body as a centerpiece on a table.

SEAMUS: Promise?

NEVILLE: Confronted him with self-comparisons,
Point against point rebellious, arm 'gainst arm.
Curbing his lavish spirit: and, to conclude,
The victory fell on us.

SEAMUS: Great happiness!

RON: Where?

HARRY: Not from Hermione's direction, that's certain.

NEVILLE: (cuddling Bobo) That now
Sweno, the Norways' king, craves composition:
Nor would we deign him burial of his men
Till he disbursed at Saint Colme's inch
Ten thousand dollars to our general use.

GOYLE: (impressed) Tiny money!

HANNAH: What?

GOYLE: Ten thousand dollars on'n inch. Whoa.

HANNAH: You don't really think that... you do, don't you? Oh dear.

SEAMUS: No more that thane of Cawdor shall deceive
Our bosom interest: go pronounce his present death,
And with his former title greet Macbeth.

RON: Seamus, you have bosom interest? Gee, we would never have guessed.

NEVILLE: I'll see it done.

SEAMUS: What he hath lost noble Macbeth hath won.

DRACO: Sure, you say that now. Just wait a few scenes.

HERMIONE: Can we please just try and stay with the point?

GINNY: Don't even try, Hermione. No one's listening to you.