Guibu hummed to himself quietly, staring at the sky. Lying on a tree branch, and he crossed his arms beneath his head.

In the end, he decided, he liked this best. Solitude. He liked people, granted, --he especially *loved* beautiful people -- but there was something disquieting he sometimes felt when he was with people, and only when he was alone could he truly be himself.

He reflected on the events of the past few days. He had no regrets for killing the Palsian man that was being tortured. He was, after all, only putting him out of his misery. What he did regret was the reaction of the maid in the palace. He had hoped that he had left a better impression of himself than that. A *fraud*, she had called him. Imagine that! A *fraud*! Granted, he had lied to her, but even so... He had been a prince to her that night, hadn't he? A fraud, indeed!

Oh well. The maid had been pretty, at least.

Guibu stared at the sky-- at the stars in particular-- and then his mind wandered to his memories.

The Minstrel's Memories

Sequel to "From Every Depth of Good and Ill"

A ~Heart to Joy~ & ~Shadow's Sacrifice~ Side story

by Karma

He remembered an incident that had occurred almost a decade ago. He had been young then, just learning the ways of the world, the ways of adulthood, and the ways of men. He had grown much wiser afterwards, but in his youth, he had been lost.

When he had first started earning money as a minstrel, he was extremely happy. He enjoyed his new lifestyle. His life was stabler, not nearly as uncertain or chaotic as it had been when he had lived in the poorer side of Ekubatana. He liked earning his money and spending it; he paid back every favor and debt that he felt he owed, and now carried a clean slate. He was proud of himself, for not many that came from where he did were able to leave.

He had been content, but as time wore on, he started to feel that he was missing something. As he continued his new line of work, the feeling that had first started off like a forgotten thought intensified. It was not until after the second time with Narcasse did he recognize what really bothered him: it was a sense of loneliness. He saw it as clearly in Narcasse as he saw it in himself. He felt purposeless, and the feeling of being alone only made it worse.

Eventually, he fell into a period of depression. He had achieved his ultimate goal, so why did he still feel so hollow, desperate, and lonely?

Maybe it was the dreams. He was haunted by dreams of a beauty, always the same beauty, and he felt despair that he would never find the one he dreamed of.

/ "I love you," the beauty whispered. /

He felt it whenever he dreamt it. The complete, utter acceptance. The surprising happiness. The love.

The dream was always the same, no matter how often he had it.

/ "I love you." /

And he felt the love. It was unlike anything else that he had ever experienced. Even though he could not accept it, he still felt it.

/ "I will always love you." /

And more often than not, that was all he remembered from the dream in his waking hours, for that was his favorite part. Hearing those words and feeling the utmost love and acceptance.

He tried searching for the beauty, even though he knew that it was a hopeless task. He looked for the person who haunted his dreams, who haunted his thoughts in every waking moment, who gave him more happiness while he was asleep than he ever had while he was awake.

The details of the dream, however, always eluded him in the morning. He would struggle to remember the beauty's gender, and even that detail was lost to him. All he ever remembered was the feeling of being utterly and completely loved.

The dreams made the loneliness harder to bear in the day.

He was a minstrel now, and directionless. He wandered around, wondering why he felt so empty. Why he could not bring himself to trust anyone but the one that he dreamed of, the elusive ghost that would not leave him.

His wanderings eventually brought him to a temple of Ashi. In a state of despair, he knelt before Her statue, and though he did not believe in the gods, he threw all of his hope into this one last action: praying to find the one that he loved, the beauty of his dreams. Who after all, was better to ask for guidance on love than the Goddess of Love Herself?

He did not know how long he knelt there, praying. It felt like forever.

When he finally ended his vigil, he found himself surrounded by attendants of the temple. One of them turned to him and spoke.

"What haunts you, child?"

And though he rarely shared his thoughts with strangers, he felt compelled to answer.

"I dream of someone...someone that I cannot find. I need help to find this person."

The attendant pushed back her hood and stared at him, eyes pale and sightless. "The one you seek is female. She serves the goddess that Ashi serves. Ashi wishes you the best."

The words filled him with hope. It was as if a burden was lifted from him, and he felt like crying out in joy. He was no longer lost. From then on, he decided that he would seduce only women.

He had been an ardent follower of Ashi ever since.

~

He never found the beauty, and he eventually gave up searching. Instead, he found that he enjoyed seducing women much more so than men, and then it turned into a kind of game-- a hedonistic game that entertained him to no end. There were so many beauties in the world! He perfected his stories, and each woman that caught his eyes he would work hard to get. More often than not, he succeeded. He grew cocky and confident with each successive lover, and soon he no longer cared about the dream-woman. He decided that the beauties in real life were much more fun.

Sometimes though, as he lay beside his newest lover in the darkness, he pretended that he was with her.

~

And that night, lying on the tree branch, he dreamed.

He was in a garden in his dream, fine-tuning an instrument. It was dusk, and peaceful. Someone approached him quietly, surprising him.

"Hello," he said to her, when he finally became aware of her presence.

She smiled at him, then. There was nothing particularly special about her in any distinct way. She was no one important; he recognized her as one of the prince's servants.

She addressed him by his name, then hugged him and whispered to him the words that would haunt him for years to come: "I love you."

He blinked, surprised. He had never expected such a confession, least of all from her, since he never saw her as anything more than an acquaintance, a shallow friend, at best. He pulled back.

"I'm sorry...I don't feel the same."

She nodded in understanding. He had expected her to react with anger or hatred, but she did not. "I know you don't feel the same. But I love you. I will always love you."

And then she smiled, and he felt her love towards him, and it touched him deeply. She smiled and he saw that she was beautiful.

"Thank you."

She nodded, and ran off.

Later, when he was on his death-bed and requesting his end, he would think of her as perhaps the only person who had ever really loved him. And as his death-wish was granted, he thought of his last regret, a secret wish to himself.

/ I wish...I had loved you back. /

~

He awoke from his dream, and he struggled to remember its details. But as always, all he ever took with him was this: the knowledge and feeling of the beauty's love for him.

"Filthy thugs!" Someone shouted, startling him. He blinked slowly, lazily, and turned his head toward the direction of the voice.

"I'll permit you to escape now, in case you value your lives."

It was dark, but even so, Guibu could make out the figure of a woman on a horse, surrounded by many men.

"Thug! I'll make you apologize for that!"

A woman, fighting? Guibu smiled to himself. He debated on whether or not he would help her-- there were many people attacking her, was she worth the trouble? But the thought of a woman outnumbered and attacked by barbarians was too much to bear. So he would have to help her, but hmm...to help her now? Or perhaps he should wait until she was beaten back a little, so that his entrance would be much more dramatic, and her reaction to his help then maybe more favorable...

Then the moonlight lit her features and he saw her long black hair, her perfect figure, and her face. He saw her smooth form as she struck another attacker. He saw that she was beautiful.

And as he looked upon her, he felt both an inexplicable joy...

...and immense relief.

He knew then his decision. And though he did not know why he felt so compelled to help her, he gave himself a reason. "I must save this raven beauty," he told himself. "She'll doubtlessly shower me with thanks, afterward, bestowing her lavish affections on me. And, of course I'm far too polite to refuse."

It was a good reason for helping someone, one that he had used before in the past. But deep inside, he knew that he was a lying to himself.

In the very deepest core of his soul, he knew the real reason.

"Yes! I cannot deny fate!"

...I wish...I had loved you back...

-----------
And I now have a fic that officially ties in both Shadow's Sacrifice and Heart to Joy. Woot!

This fic is perhaps most strongly influenced by the relationship between Raistlin and Bupu in the Dragonlance Chronicles and the Dragonlance Legends by Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman. Raistlin is this cool dark mage and Bupu is an ugly and stupid gully dwarf that was in love with him. Though Raistlin never loved her back, he was kind to her. There was a time when he was struggling for strength and rather than the memory of the woman he loves or his brother, it's the memory of Bupu's pure, unrequited love for him that saves him.

for comments to Karma, send e-mails to: [email protected]

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