Monday, March 26th

Cheese has no power over me! Unfortunately, sweet carbohydrates do. This weekend went fine except for Sunday. Friday at the potluck turned out to be a non-event foodwise. Though people brought in pizza and doughnuts and other high-calorie processed foods, they didn't appeal to me what-so-ever. And Saturday, though I ate a lot of bread at the party, I didn't have any cheese or butter or high-fat spreads with them. But Sunday. Argh. Sunday I had a small breakfast (though John had massive pancakes), and when we went visiting with John's sister to their mutual friends who just had a baby, they ordered this wonderful tomato/basil/garlic pie along with the traditional pizza. But Sunday evening was a total wreck. John's sister became upset and sullen when John told her we would not be joining her and her husband on a trip they had invited us on. So that got John and me all tense and silent on the drive home. Then we got around to talking about feelings of marriage, children, and relationships and though John really didn't say anything negative about our relationship and where it may be heading, I certainly got a sense of ambivalence from him. He dropped me back off at my apartment and then decided to leave rather than stay to have dinner with me. So I was moody when he left. And that moodiness and vague dis-ease and frustration and restlessness all got the better of me. So even after my small dinner, even after I knew I wasn't really hungry, I had 3 bowls of cereal (comfort food), and wheat crackers with a cheese spread I knew I shouldn't really have around the house. And after it I felt very distended and sick and just self-destructive. Then I decided just to go to bed.

When I got up this morning, I did aerobics for about 20 minutes, but weighing myself on the office scale proved to be utterly depressing. All that food sitting still in my digestive track still sits me at 132. I've decided that I really should stop weighing myself after the weekend. That I should really do it on Wednesday or Friday or something. Because it feels I am doing 2 steps forward but always 1 step back by Monday. Argh! I know that I should have done something different on Sunday night rather than comfort myself with food. Gone out. To the bookstore. To anywhere where I wouldn't feel trapped in my apartment with my thoughts rattling inside of it with me. I've got to just go in the future. Because though eating did comfort me for about half an hour, the aftermath only made me rattled in another way. Anyway, that is the story. I can only hope that I am learning from these mistakes. Perhaps another method of stopping myself from over-eating should be to log onto my own website and just read about the past, in hopes that I won't repeat it.

Tuesday, March 27th, 2001

Okay. I am officially naming this stabilized weight for the past three weeks a 'plateau'. Mind you, it is a plateau of my own doing, for I know that I haven't been exercising as much or as long as I did in the beginning, and I have only been keeping a complete food diary maybe 1 out of 4 days, and I have been splurging not on high-calorie foods, but on moderate-calorie foods that I have been eating more than just a usual 'serving'. And I haven't been counting the milk and sugar I put in my 3 or 4 cups of tea a day that I have 'reverted' to. So my overall slacking has contributed to me going no-where.

I need to rededicate myself, perhaps with an hour or two-hour long retreat where I intensely re-focus and get that mental energy and excitement up again, that energy that fueled me to work out twice a day, to write down everything that passed my lips instead of sneaking bites of things and not measuring serving portions. To drink those 64 ounces of water a day. To restrain myself at parties. To...just...do...it.

Wednesday, March 28th, 2001