Here you will find a brief history of my experiences of my 'body image' throughout my life, from childhood through where I am presently.

Early Childhood (up to age 5) - I don't remember measuring myself against anyone, except that the older kids were bigger, taller, and stronger than me. I was simply an active and imaginative little kid.

Middle Childhood (age 5 - 9) - I went to a small elementary school as a child, and had less than a dozen kids in my grade. In kindergarden I became friends with another girl named Denise. Denise was 'stick thin' and very athletic. She was the fastest runner and the best at sports. I also remember Denise being a picky eater. I compared myself a lot to her, and though I couldn't compete with her physically, I was able to outdistance her academicly as soon as we went into middle school. While I was in first grade, a second grader named Selena started attending our school. Selena was very tall and thick-boned and larger than the rest of us. Though she wasn't really fat she got picked on a great deal for being different than the rest of us. Also, at this age I started taking dance classes, where I became introduced to more girls my age. Some of them were more slender than I was, and some of them had what I didn't - a waist - due in part to the fact my ribcage and my hips are spaced very close together. I wished that I could look like some of the other girls.

Early Adolescence (age 11 - 13) - My body started changing. Somewhere about this time I picked up faint but visible stretchmarks on my breasts and butt as I 'bloomed' into womanhood. About this time I took up the love of biking, and I rode my ten-speed everywhere, which I think is still a reason I have pretty well-defined calves. I remember being frustrated at the fact that I could just barely squeeze my calves into my faux-leather riding boots that I had bought 'off the shelf' for riding camp one summer. I remember the scale reaching over 100 for the first time.

Late Adolescence (age 14 - 17) - During high school, I fully accepted the fact that I would never fit into the mainstream, and I went my own direction with fashion and clothes. I ran cross-country during the fall, though it never really changed my weight. I can remember weighing about 135 - 138 in high school. Again, I wasn't the most lithe thing, but I wasn't large either. During one summer for about a week during a heatwave, I ate mostly jello & fruit, and found that my stomach had flattened a little in my plain-jane swimsuit. Also during those years, I was envious of my younger cousin who visited me one summer, as she still had the long arms and legs of a child but was starting to get the curves of a woman. Men easily mistook her for 18+ when she was only 13. I recalled a time that probably lasted only half a year when I was between girl and woman.

College Years (age 18 - 22) - I really just ate whatever I wanted to eat from the college cafeteria, or when my boyfriend would take me out to dinner. I don't think I gained a 'freshman fifteen', but it was hard to tell. I don't remember any weight gain after going on the pill either. Though I certainly wasn't model-pretty, I did wear some flattering things that made me feel sexy. Again, I envied other young women's waists. It was also at this time that I was introduced to wine, which I still enjoy on a regular basis, much to my downfall. There wasn't many scales about either to see how much my diet was affecting me.

Starting Out (age 22 - 23) - I started learning how to cook when I graduated and moved in with a roommate, though about once or twice a week I would go to Wendy's and order off of their dollar menu. Though my habits didn't quite follow the famed Food Pyramid, I ate a lot more sensibly than Dave, my roommate, did. At one point, he spent over 40 dollars on a bottle of Metabolife. Dave was half-way between muscle-thick and pudgy. I was extremely skeptical that the Metabolife was going to do anything for him, but he took his tablets for a week or two, though from what I could understand, he really didn't dedicate himself to changing his eating habits. And though he was buzzed from the caffeine and the hormones in the Metabolife, I don't think he really lost any noticible amount. I vowed not to spend my hard-earned money on any weightloss gimmics.

The Year 2000 (23 years old) - Starting in the summer of 2000, several things pricked my conscious about my weight. Firstly, the many of the photographs from parties and the holidays came in, and in them were several 'unflattering' shots that made me look as if I had a double chin. Also, a woman at work in her early 30's came back after maternity leave twenty to forty pounds heavier, though before her pregnancy she had been smaller than myself. Several acquantences of mine started on the Atkin's diet, though I didn't know if it met with any success. Later on in the year, talking about how motherhood changes women's bodies with a friend, she recounted a somewhat cruel joke that had gone around her workplace: "What is the difference between a wife and a mistress? Twenty pounds." These little things started me thinking a little about dropping some weight myself.

January 2001 (24 years old) - My relationship with my boyfriend John made it past its 3 month anniversary. One of the great things about John is that he loves to cook. Unlike me, John prefers to have 3 hearty square meals a day, where I prefer to 'graze' by simply eating when the mood struck. Unfortunately, 3 months of eating like he did on the weekends expanded my waistline noticibly. I stepped on the scale at work and found myself weighing 146 pounds. That is when I decided to nip it in the bud, and for the first time in my life, actively 'diet' and exercise with weight reduction in mind. January 22nd I bought my first case of Slimfast and started researching what lifestyle changes I would need to make to take the weight off and keep it off.

February 2001 (24 years old) - When this webpage goes up, I will have been on my nutrition and exercise plan for a month or more. So far, I have lost about 10 pounds, and have about 20 to go. During the last month or so, I have read numerous weight loss and nutrition webpages on the internet and have taken inspiration in many of the weight loss journals online. Those who keep online weight loss journals and progress charts often state that they are motivated by sharing. While my boyfriend John has noticed I have 'firmed up' in the stomach only 3 weeks after starting, and one coworker has mentioned that he noticed I had lost some weight in my face, I have kept my effort to lose weight largely secret, because I don't want to have to deal with the "but you don't need to lose weight!" and other sabotaging comments, and because I don't want to tell someone about my goal and not follow through. So I am sharing anonymously online. I'll write here again when I have lost another 10 pounds, and again when I have reached my goal of 115 (or so). Wish me luck!