Where We Belong
Part Eight
This past week had been an uncomfortable one for them both. It was the first case they�d opposed each other on since they�d become lovers, and it was harder than he thought to draw the line between their professional relationship and their personal one. They had agreed that they would keep their distance outside of work, limiting their contact to phone calls and short visits with Mattie, in an attempt to ease into this new facet of their relationship. Of course, it had only taken him a few days to break that rule. She hadn�t been too happy with him for that, or for questioning her objectivity, but the case had been a difficult one. It hadn�t helped that it involved a recovering alcoholic who fell off the wagon. Looking back, he knew that he�d overreacted, but he couldn�t help worrying about her.
After her initial revelation on Saturday, Mac had closed herself off on the topic. She excused it by saying that now that they had finally worked out their problems and things were good with them, she just wanted to enjoy it for awhile. And that just talking to him had helped her feel a thousand times better. He wasn�t sure how much he believed that, but as much as he knew that ignoring things would probably make them worse later on, he didn�t have the heart to disagree with her. He was just as reluctant as she was to disrupt the happy little bubble they�d created around themselves and Mattie. Still, he found himself watching her closely, looking for any sign that she was starting to collapse under the strain of the past year. That had led to his late night visit to talk about her involvement in the case.
He hadn�t handled that conversation very well, which was nothing new where he and Mac were concerned. But Mac had been patient and let him voice his concerns without losing her temper. She had reassured him that the case wasn�t bringing up any bad memories or associations, and had promised that if it did, she would come to him and they would deal with it together. She did lecture him about ignoring their ban on after-hours visitation, but when he showed her the more pleasurable consequences for breaking the rules, she had agreed that it was okay to make an exception �just this once�, as she put it. Well, it was actually two times, but he knew better than to push his luck by mentioning that to her. Still, all in all, they had handled this first bump in the road rather well. Or, at least he had thought so until she refused to answer the door.
Harm decided to risk upsetting her further and pulled out his keys to let himself into Mac�s apartment. He called out to her as he opened the door, not wanting to risk getting attacked by a startled marine. There was no answer, so Harm cautiously poked his head around the door. Not seeing her, he closed the door quietly behind him and headed towards the bedroom, calling out once again. As he got closer, he heard the unmistakable sound of running water and realized that she was in the shower. He groaned; the whole time he had been outside stewing when he could have been inside convincing her of the advantages of water conservation. He was just about to head in and see if there was still time to join her when the water shut off. Damn he thought, cursing his lousy timing.
�Mac?� he called out, standing just outside the bedroom door, �Are you in there?� Not that he didn�t already know the answer, but he figured better safe than sorry.
There was a momentary silence, and then she asked hesitantly. �Harm? Is that you?�
Were you expecting someone else? The question was on the tip of his tongue and he just managed to bite it back. They weren�t quite at the stage where they could make jokes like that and he didn�t want to start things off on the wrong foot. As it was, he already had two women mad at him; he most definitely didn�t need Mac to round out the list. Especially since he had other plans for the night.
With that in mind, he answered her in his most suggestive tone of voice, �Why don�t you open the door and find out?�
She laughed and quickly opened the door. Harm took one look at her and made no effort to hide his disappointment.
�You�re dressed,� he pouted, as he took in the heavy bathrobe that was thoroughly covering her.
She laughed again as she dragged him into the room. When he resisted, she looked at him in mock exasperation. �No, I�m not,� she said archly, �But if you don�t stop acting like such a baby, I�m going to be.�
�No, don�t. I�ll be good,� he responded contritely. He flashed her his best puppy dog look, and she rolled her eyes. Tugging on his hand, she led him over to the bed and gently shoved him down before turning towards her closet. Not wanting to give her a chance to carry out her threat of getting dressed, he caught hold of one of the thick terrycloth sleeves of her robe and pulled her down with him. Mac shrieked as she tumbled onto the bed and across his lap. Harm quickly wrapped his arms around her to prevent her from getting up. After a couple of minutes of half-hearted struggling, punctuated by quite a bit of giggling, Mac gave up and relaxed against his chest.
�Jerk,� she muttered affectionately as she rested her head on his shoulder. Snuggling in closer, she asked, �What are you doing here, anyway? Not that I�m not glad to see you,� she added hastily, �but I thought that I was supposed to meet you over at your place in a couple of hours.�
�Things are a little tense over there right now,� Harm said dryly. Mac looked up at him in confusion, so he tried to explain. �The Admiral told to Jen to back off about the whole Meredith situation, without telling her what happened. And Jen, being Jen, ignored him.�
A look of comprehension crossed Mac�s face. �And the Admiral finally lost his temper?�
�Yeah,� Harm confirmed. �When I went over to check on Mattie, Jen had just come home and she was pretty upset. I tried to make her feel better, but there wasn�t much I could say without explaining the whole story.�
�Which we both promised not to do,� Mac finished quietly. �Harm, I hate to say this, and God knows I�m not his biggest fan lately, but this wasn�t completely the Admiral�s fault. I watched him this week and he was trying very hard not to take his anger at Meredith and the whole situation out on Jen. But she doesn�t know when to back down, Harm. And until she learns, she�s going to keep running into situations like this.�
�I know,� Harm agreed, �but I couldn�t exactly say that to her. One, she wouldn�t have been too receptive at that point. And two, I would be a pretty big hypocrite to tell her that she has to maintain a distance with the officers she serves with when she�s living with Mattie at my request.�
�Not necessarily,� Mac argued, �The situation�s are a little different, Harm. For one thing, you�re not Jen�s commanding officer. And the arrangement the two of you reached was as much to her benefit as it was to yours.�
�Maybe,� he conceded, �but at the end of the day, I�m still a Commander and Jen�s still a Petty Officer. And it probably wasn�t the best idea to let those lines get confused.�
�Probably not,� she agreed. �But it was an extreme situation, Harm. And your solution might not have been ideal, but it was the best one you could come up with on short notice. And Jen knows that you would never take advantage of the situation,� she added, �just like you know that she wouldn�t, either. This is just a temporary fix for both of you. In a few months, you�ll find someplace for you and Mattie to live together and Jen will find a place of her own. Or at least, a place better than she was living.�
�You think so?� Harm asked hesitantly. He wasn�t so sure.
�I do think so.� She reassured him, �Jen understands what you were trying to do when you came up with this, Harm. She knows you. She doesn�t know the Admiral, though. And he doesn�t know her. And there�s going to be some rough spots for them while they try to figure things out.� She grinned at him, �Tiner was his yeoman for eight years, and they still had their rough spots.�
�Yeah, and Jen�s feistier than Tiner was,� he chuckled. �I guess we should be grateful that things aren�t any worse.�
�Probably,� Mac laughed. She smiled up at him and stroked his cheek. �Okay now?�
�When you�re with me? Always,� he answered softly, giving her a quick kiss. He looked at her seriously, �We�re okay, aren�t we?�
�Of course we are,� she answered, confused. �Why wouldn�t we be?�
Harm shrugged, �Well, things were a little tense a couple of times this week. With the case and all. I know I didn�t handle things the best way.�
�I thought you handled things well,� she protested. �We both did. Actually, considering the circumstances, I think we did pretty great.�
�So you�re really not mad at me for coming over the other night?� He asked cautiously.
�Harm, you were concerned. I could see that,� she replied, �And I know you�re still concerned about the rest of it, and how it�s affecting me.�
She gazed up at him earnestly, �And I know I don�t show it very well, but I�m grateful for that. I�m glad that you care enough to come and make sure I�m all right. And I�m glad that you�re not pushing me to talk right now; I know that�s hard for you. I may not express it very well, but I�m so thankful to have your support.�
�You always have my support, Mac,� he said intently, tightening his arms around her. �And I think you�re expressing yourself pretty well.�
Mac smiled and wrapped her arms around her waist, squeezing tightly. Suddenly her expression changed, became more seductive.
�You know, Harm, I�m not sure I�m really expressing myself as well as I could,� she purred. Her hands began to roam lightly over his back, �In fact, I�m sure I can do better. Would you like me to try?�
Harm swallowed convulsively. His jeans were starting to get uncomfortably tight. Unable to get his mouth to work long enough to answer, he nodded mutely, and was rewarded with a brilliant smile.
�Good answer,� she murmured, and drew him down for a long, passionate kiss.
�Are you okay?� she asked gently. Harm nodded, not trusting himself to speak yet. Of all the nightmares he�d had in his life, and he�d had many, this one was by far the worst. It was a combination of all the horrors of the past year. Just the memory of it caused him to shudder, but he had always done his best to push it aside, to bury the pain and try to forget. He started to do that now, when he felt Mac gently ease him back down. Then she curled up behind him, wrapping her arms tightly around his chest. She pressed a gentle kiss against his shoulder and whispered softly, �Tell me.�
He hesitated; he had never been comfortable sharing his fears with anyone. It implied a weakness he didn�t want to admit to. At the same point, a part of him desperately wanted to tell her every last detail, to try and rid himself of the nightmare once and for all. As he struggled with what to do, he felt Mac shift until her lips were pressed against his ear. �It�s okay, Harm. You�re safe here. Just let it go.�
Hearing those familiar words, words he had spoken to her not even a week ago, it was all he could do not to cry. All of his life, he had sought to find this place. A place where he was safe, and loved; where he didn�t always have to fight and he didn�t always have to be strong. And for almost eight years, it had been standing right in front of his face and he hadn�t seen it. Worse, he had tried to run from it. For the first time, he truly understood exactly what he had found with Mac, and how close he had come to losing that completely, and he thanked God from the bottom of his soul that they had figured things out before it was too late. Reaching up and catching her hands in his, he squeezed tightly, hoping to convey all the love and gratitude he felt into that touch, because there was no way he could find words to express it. When she returned the gesture, and pressed herself even more closely to him, he knew that she understood, and that she felt the same. Finally secure in the safety of both her arms and her heart, he opened up and told her of the fears that had haunted his sleep for almost a year.
The dream always started out the same; he�s in Paraguay again, bursting into the room where Mac lies shackled on a table, about to be tortured. He kills the terrorists, but when he goes to release Mac, someone grabs his arms. And no matter how hard he struggles, he can�t break free. Soon he�s being dragged out of the shack and into a cold, sterile room. The harsh brilliance of the light momentarily blinds him, giving his captor a chance to drag him to the center of the room and force him onto a table. He fights, but someone comes to the first man�s aid and he�s soon strapped down just like Mac was. When he�s finally able to see again, he looks up at his captors. And that�s where the nightmare truly begins.
Ted Lindsey and Agent Gibbs from NCIS are standing over him; their faces hard, implacable masks. Harm tries to yell for help, but can�t speak. He is completely paralyzed, and that�s when he realizes that he�s been convicted of killing Loren. That he wasn�t exonerated, and he is about to be put to death for a murder he didn�t commit. Suddenly, he hears Mac calling out to him from far away, and he�s not sure if the awful fear in her voice is meant for him or for herself. Distracted by Mac�s voice, he doesn�t see the doctor moving toward him until he feels the jab of the needle in his arm. And at the first stab of pain, he wakes up.
By the time he had relayed everything to her, the memories of that time, of Singer�s death and the trial and Paraguay, left him completely drained. He fell silent, reveling in the comfort of her touch. As difficult as it was, he felt a hundred pounds lighter now that he�d let it out. He wondered if this was how Mac felt last week in his apartment; he hoped so. He hoped he had given her this same kind of comfort. And he understood now that she wasn�t lying to him when she told him that just talking to him had made her feel better. He rolled over to tell her that, and to thank her for being there, but stopped abruptly when he saw her face.
Tears were streaming down her cheeks, and her face was a mask of pain and guilt. �I�m sorry,� she whispered brokenly, �I�m so sorry, Harm.�
�No, Mac,� he protested in alarm. He grabbed her and pulled her against him. �Sarah, you have nothing to be sorry for.�
She pushed herself away from him. �How can you say that?� she demanded angrily, swiping impatiently at her tears. �I wasn�t there for you, Harm. You were all alone and I should have been there for you, but I wasn�t! You needed me and I wasn�t there for you. How can you forgive me for that?�
He tried to pull her back to him but she resisted. He sighed, �Mac, you were following orders. I know that. I knew that then.�
�I shouldn�t have,� she answered softly, �I didn�t want to, Harm. You have to believe that. When the Admiral said to stay away, I wanted to tell him to go to hell. But I didn�t know how to help you. And there was a part of me that was afraid that he was right, that I would try something and it would only make things worse.�
�I understand,� he said gently. He reached out and cupped her cheek, �Mac, I�m not going to lie to you and say that it didn�t hurt not having you there, but I do understand. And when I look back, I see that I brought a lot of what happened on myself with the way I handled the whole mess.�
�That�s not true, Harm,� she interrupted heatedly. �You�re not a murderer! Anyone who knows you knows that. However badly you handled it, it never should have gotten as far as it did. If Gibbs and his people had even half a brain in their heads, they would have seen that. Instead they got so fixated on pinning it all on you that they didn�t even bother looking for other suspects, even though all of their evidence was entirely circumstantial. They railroaded you, Harm!� She looked up and saw a broad smile crossing his face, �And how the hell can you be smiling about this?!�
He couldn�t help it; he burst out laughing. She just looked so absolutely adorable right now; leaning back on her heels, hands planted on her hips and eyes flashing fire, totally and completely naked. As he watched the frustration on her face grow, he reached out and caught her arms, pulling her onto his lap.
�I love you,� he said happily, and her struggles to get free stopped abruptly, although she was still staring at him like he was a lunatic. Which he probably was, but he didn�t care. Sarah Mackenzie, the most remarkable woman he�d ever known, was his, and that made him the luckiest man alive. He leaned down and kissed her nose. �And that little rant you went on just now is exactly why I�m not mad at you. I know that whether or not you were there physically, you never stopped believing in me. And I know that if it had gone farther, if they hadn�t figured out that Lindsey had killed Singer, you would have done anything and everything you could to help me. Up to, and including staging a brig break, I�d imagine.�
�Damn straight,� she muttered mutinously, not quite ready to let go of her anger. He smiled and hugged her close.
�I know, Mac,� he soothed, �So you don�t need to feel guilty, okay?� When she didn�t answer, he pulled her chin up to face him. �Sarah, we�ve both had times when we felt like we weren�t doing enough, when we felt like we were failing each other. You know that. But it doesn�t do any good to dwell on them. And it certainly doesn�t mean we care any less. So how about I agree not to hold those times against you, if you don�t hold them against me? Deal?�
The last of Mac�s anger faded away, and her face softened. �Deal,� she agreed quietly, leaning up to give him a soft, sweet kiss. Sliding off his lap, she brought them both back down to lie on the bed. Curling up against his shoulder, she murmured his name softly.
�Hmm?� he answered, somewhat distracted by the hand playing with the hair on his chest.
�If I-� she hesitated momentarily, before blurting out, �If I needed to talk to someone, you know, professionally, would you come with me? I mean; could we go together?�
�You mean, go to therapy together?� he asked cautiously. He tried to suppress the instinctive tension that accompanied that thought, but Mac sensed it anyway and quickly backpedaled.
�Never mind,� she said hurriedly, �Forget I said anything. It was a stupid idea-�
�No, it wasn�t,� he interrupted firmly. And it wasn�t stupid; unnerving, maybe, and discomforting, but not stupid. �And I�m not going to forget it. It just took me by surprise, that�s all. It�s not something I�ve ever really wanted to think about.�
�I�m sorry,� she answered softly, �I didn�t mean to make you uncomfortable. I just, I�m not really comfortable with it, either. But I think we both probably should do it, and I don�t think I could go alone, so maybe if we went together, it would make it a little easier to handle.�
�You�re probably right,� he agreed, stroking her hair soothingly. �In fact, I�m sure you�re right. And I think it would be a whole lot easier to handle if we went together.�
She lifted her head and looked into his eyes. Seeing the sincerity there, some of her tension eased. �So you�ll consider it?� she asked hopefully.
�I�ll do more than consider it,� he leaned down and kissed her forehead. �In fact, I talked to someone at Child Services and they said that Mattie had to go to counseling. I have a list of people to choose from, so why don�t I find us someone while I�m looking for someone for Mattie?�
�I think that�s a great idea,� she responded, giving him a beaming smile. �I love you, you know?�
�I know,� he replied confidently, earning him a swat on the arm. He just laughed. �And I love you, too.�
Joy filled her eyes, �This is really going to work, isn�t it?� she said joyfully. �Us, I mean.�
�It�s already working, Mac,� he corrected. �And it�s going to keep on working for a long, long time.�
�Good,� she answered firmly. She bit her lip, �So, um, that whole thing I said about there never being an us. That was, um-�
�The dumbest thing you�ve said in eight years?� he supplied helpfully.
�Yeah,� she said sheepishly.
�Pretty much,� he agreed, before adding cheerfully, �but don�t worry. It�ll be our secret.�
�I appreciate that,� she responded dryly.
�You should.�
�Shut up, Harm.�
�Shutting up.�
And with that, they went back to sleep, secure in each other�s arms.
January 30, 2004
Mac�s Apartment
1930 EST
Harm stood outside Mac�s door, trying to decide whether or not to use his key or just go home. He�d knocked three times in the past five minutes, but she hadn�t answered; he knew she was at home because he�d seen her car parked out front. Which made him wonder if she was upset with him.
Mac�s Apartment
0120 EST
Harm awoke with a start, bolting upright and gasping for air as he worked to free himself from the grip of a familiar nightmare. He took deep breaths to calm his racing heart, and was intensely grateful when he felt Mac�s soothing hands running across his back. She waited until he had caught his breath before speaking.