Where We Belong
Part Six
Harm paced the floor of his apartment, taking the same route he’d been using for the past thirty-five minutes. Starting with the door, he pressed his ear against it praying for the telltale rattling and grinding of the elevator. Nothing. Next stop, the window overlooking the street to look for a familiar red corvette. Nothing. Continue to the bedroom, where he stared longingly at the bed that he’d planned on sharing with her tonight. That he would share with her tonight, he corrected himself again. ‘Just as soon as she showed up,’ he thought as he flopped down on the couch.
‘She was late.’
He was being ridiculous. There was a perfectly logical, reasonable explanation for why Mac was late. She could have gotten a late start, or an unexpected phone call. She could be stuck in traffic. And if he really wanted to know why she was late, he could just pick up the phone and call her. Even as he thought this, his hand drifted over to the cordless phone on the table in front of him. He started to pick it up, but stopped himself. Just like he had stopped himself a dozen times in the last half hour. If something were wrong, she would call him and let him know. Even if she had gotten cold feet and wanted to postpone tonight, or God forbid call it off altogether, she wouldn’t just leave him hanging like this. She would tell him to his face. Not that she was going to, because she wasn’t. They had talked about this for over a week. Well, not this exactly. Not the actual physical part of their relationship, anyway. But he was pretty sure they’d covered everything else. They’d talked more in the past week and a half than they had in the past eight years.
Looking back on those conversations, it amazed him how relatively simple it had been to clear up the misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Not that it had been painless. It couldn’t be, not after everything that had happened over the past eight years. But once Mac had explained where she was coming from, not only what she’d been thinking but also what she’d thought that he was thinking, he was able to let go of so much of the hurt and anger and resentment that he’d built up over the years. And she’d been able to do the same. It wasn’t finished and it wasn’t perfect, it would take time to break some of the destructive habits they’d both developed over the years, but for the first time they were both willing to do whatever it took to make it work. And the first step in that process was learning to trust each other with their hearts as easily as they did with their lives.
Both he and Mac were used to people letting them down, betraying them. They’d come to expect it. So much so that they each tended to sabotage things themselves as a sort of preemptive strike against getting hurt again. They’d become especially good at doing it to each other. The moment it looked like one of them was backing off, the other would react by lashing out or running away; with Harm doing the majority of the former and Mac doing most of the latter. They both needed to trust each other enough not to jump to conclusions, like she did in Sydney and he did in Paraguay. Which is exactly why he hadn’t called her yet. He might not be able to stop the doubts from entering his mind, but he could keep them from taking over. He just had to have faith in her.
A loud pounding on the door shook him out of his reverie. Quickly tossing the phone next to him on the sofa, he moved to answer it. Opening the door, he let out a grateful sigh when he saw Mac standing on the other side. His relief was short-lived, however, as he got a closer look at her.
Even through her bulky winter coat, he could see the tension radiating through her. Her usually expressive face was a mask, all except for her eyes. Those were a stormy mass of anger and hurt. Concerned, he quickly ushered her inside.
“Mac, come in and tell me what’s the matter,” he said, shutting the door behind her and helping her take off her coat. He was a surprised to see her in sweats and sneakers. When they had talked about her coming over last night after they’d left Jen and Mattie in their new apartment, she’d made a comment about wearing something memorable. He didn’t think this was what she’d meant. His concern ratcheted up another notch as he wondered if he was the cause of her distress. He didn’t see how, he hadn’t done anything in the past twenty-four hours to set her off. At least, he didn’t think he did.
“Mac, what’s wrong?” He watched as she stalked over to the couch and sat down, and then immediately stood up and started to pace. When she didn’t say anything, he wondered if she had even heard him. He was about to repeat the question when she suddenly spun around to face him.
“Why do I do this to myself, Harm?” She asked loudly, running angry fingers through her hair. “Why do I bother caring? Why do I set myself up to get hurt all the time? God, you’d think that after everything, I’d know better!”
Harm suddenly found himself unable to breathe. He was trying desperately not to jump to conclusions, but Mac’s words were not encouraging. Finally, he was able to get enough air in his lungs to ask quietly, “Mac, did I do something wrong? Is that why you’re upset?”
“What?” She looked up at him, blinking in confusion. When his words finally registered, horror came over her face. “Oh, God no! Oh, Harm,” she rushed over and wrapped her arms around his waist, squeezing tightly. “Harm, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you think...this is not your fault. You had nothing to do with why I’m upset. Believe me,” she pleaded.
“Okay,” Harm said softly, returning her embrace. The knot in his stomach loosened a little. A thought occurred to him. “Is it Webb? Did he finally get in touch with you?” She was supposed to have met him for dinner earlier in the week to explain things to him, but he’d disappeared on some mission without a word. But if he was back, and they’d talked, he might have been upset and said or done something to hurt her. In which case, Harm really WAS going to finish what Saddiq started in Paraguay.
“No, I still haven’t heard from him,” she said, starting to get worked up again. He could feel the tightness in her shoulders as she tensed again.
“Then who-?”
“The Admiral!” She exclaimed as she tore herself away from his arms. She began to pace once more, but more erratically this time. She seemed completely unable to remain in one place, and as he watched her hands clench and unclench repeatedly, he knew she was rapidly losing control of her temper. Just when he was about to reach out and force her to stand still, she suddenly stopped next to the kitchen counter. Her shoulders slumped and she dropped heavily onto a stool. Her eyes filled with tears.
“I was just trying to help, Harm,” she whispered painfully. “When Meredith called and told me what happened and asked me to go check on him, I didn’t even think. I just threw on some clothes and left.” She looked down at her worn gray sweats and laughed ruefully. “Trust me, this wasn’t what I was planning on wearing tonight.”
Harm walked up to her, stepping between her legs. She wrapped her arms around him again and laid her head on his chest. Softly stroking her hair, he said softly. “I think you look fabulous. Gray’s definitely your color.” She chuckled a little. He held her in silence a moment before asking, “What happened, Mac? Did Meredith get hurt or something?”
“I wish,” Mac muttered, and Harm was startled by the hostility in her tone. He didn’t understand; Meredith had been her friend before anyone at JAG knew her. In fact, she was the one who introduced Meredith to the Admiral. Why would she be so angry with her now? Unless the two of them had split, he thought. That would certainly explain a lot.
“Did Meredith break off their engagement?” Harm asked gently. She laughed bitterly.
“I don’t know, Harm,” she said sarcastically, “Is letting your fiancé walk in and find you in bed with another man considered breaking off an engagement?”
“What?!” Harm drew back in shock. Of all the possible explanations she could have given him, that wasn’t even on the list. “Are you sure?”
“She admitted it, Harm!” Mac retorted angrily. “She called me up and asked me if I would check on him because he wouldn’t see or talk to her. And when I asked her why, she told me that he’d found her with Professore Lothario!” Harm had no idea who she was talking about, but figured it didn’t much matter at this point. Meredith had cheated on A.J.; it didn’t matter with whom.
“I don’t suppose she had any kind of explanation?” he questioned, not sure that any explanation would suffice. A sentiment Mac appeared to agree with.
“I wouldn’t know,” Mac said angrily, “I hung up on her. Well, I told her off, and then I hung up on her,” she amended. She glared up at Harm, “I wasn’t exactly in the mood to listen to her excuses. And I didn’t want her to try and use me to try and fix things with the Admiral. If he had wanted to hear what she had to say, he would have answered when she tried to call him.”
“I’m inclined to agree with you,” Harm responded. “So I take it that you went to check on him?” he asked. She nodded silently.
“And you talked to him?” Another nod. “And it didn’t go well?”
“You could say that,” she snorted. She was trying to maintain a hold on her anger, but Harm could see the hurt lurking just under the surface. “I just wanted to make sure he was okay. To let him know that I would be there for him if he needed anything. I should have known better.”
Harm could hear the pain in her voice and felt a surge of anger towards the Admiral. He didn’t care how much the older man was hurting, he didn’t have the right to take it out on Mac. Especially not when she was trying to help him. “What did he say, Mac?”
“That he didn’t need any help,” Mac’s voice was tight with unshed tears. “That he was perfectly capable of looking after himself. That it wasn’t the first time he’d ended things with a woman and he didn’t need me to hold his hand.” A tear escaped. “That I could tell Meredith that she didn’t need to have her friends come to him to check up on him or try and fix things between them.”
‘Her friend.’ Harm’s mind got stuck on those words. That was what was causing Mac this pain. The Admiral had classified Mac as Meredith’s friend, not his. And in doing so, had placed her on the side of the woman who’d betrayed him. ‘Damn him!’ Harm swore silently. How could he say that to her? He’d known Mac for eight years; he had to realize how much that would hurt her. Just because she had been Meredith’s friend, too, didn’t mean that she cared about her more than the Admiral.
Something else occurred to him. What if she blamed herself? What if she somehow held herself responsible because she’d introduced them to each other? Surely, she knew that she didn’t have any control over what went on between the two. Then again, this was the woman who thought that Bud and Harriet’s daughter died because they had decided to name the little girl after her.
“Mac, you know that this wasn’t your fault, don’t you?” She stiffened in her seat and her gaze dropped to the floor. Well, that answered that question. He cupped her chin in his palm and lifted her face to his. When she pulled away, he just repeated the gesture. This time, she allowed him to lift her head, but refused to meet his gaze. He sighed. “Mac, how can you possibly blame yourself for this?”
“I introduced them,” she whispered. A lone tear escaped and rolled down her cheek, landing on the tip of his finger. “They wouldn’t have even met if it weren’t for me.”
“Mac, you got them to say hello to each other,” he countered softly. “You didn’t tell the Admiral to ask her out. You didn’t force him to start dating her, or put a gun to his head to get him to propose. They decided to start a relationship, and you weren’t even a small factor in that decision.” He forced her to look at him and repeated firmly. “This wasn’t your fault.”
The tears began spilling down her cheeks in earnest. He reached out and pulled her off of the stool. He wrapped her in his embrace again, letting her cry. It was a few minutes before she spoke.
“I know it’s not my fault, Harm,” she sniffled. “Logically, I know I don’t have control over other people’s relationships. It’s just,” she hesitated, “It’s just that I feel so stupid. I mean, why did I even bother? I knew it wouldn’t do any good. I knew it wouldn’t change anything. I don’t even know why I let myself get so upset about the whole thing.” She raised her head. “I mean, why should it matter to me what happens in my C.O.’s personal life?”
Mac’s words were starting to sound familiar. They were the words she used whenever he’d asked her why she didn’t get upset with the Admiral’s attitude at work. The same ones she used to explain why nothing seemed to bother her anymore. The ones Harm had believed because he knew she wouldn’t lie to him. Listening to her now, seeing how upset she was, he could see that while she wasn’t lying to him, she was most definitely lying to herself.
“Mac, why are you really angry with the Admiral?” He asked bluntly. One thing he’d learned this past week; if he wanted straightforward answers from her, he had to ask straightforward questions.
“What do you mean?” Mac asked. Harm could tell by the instinctive tensing of her body that he’d hit a nerve. “I told you. I went over there to help and he was a complete jerk.”
Harm shook his head, not accepting her explanation. “Yeah, but you had to expect that. You know him, Mac. He doesn’t like to talk about his personal life when things are going well. But when he’s hurting, he backs away. And if you try and draw him back out, you risk getting your head bitten off.”
”So that makes it okay?” she retorted indignantly.
”No, it’s not okay. But it is understandable.” At that, Mac tried to pull herself away. Harm allowed her to move back, but held firmly to her upper arms. “And it’s also the way he’s always been. You know that, Mac. Which makes me think that something else is upsetting you.”
“I don’t believe you!” she cried, yanking herself out of his grasp. She took a step back before crossing her arms and glaring up at him. “How can you defend him after the way he’s treated you this past year? After the things he said to you when we got back. How can you possibly make excuses for what he’s done?”
“What did he do?” Harm made sure to keep his voice neutral. He had his own issues with the Admiral, issues he was still trying to work out, and he didn’t want those infecting Mac’s view. He knew why he was upset with the Admiral; he needed to know why she was upset.
“What?!” She stared at him in stunned disbelief, before stuttering, “He...he fired you!”
“No,” Harm corrected caImly, pushing aside the quick jolt of pain those words always caused. “I quit. He didn’t let me come back, but he didn’t fire me. And I always knew that was a possibility.”
“Maybe, but you can’t tell me you honestly expected that he wouldn’t take you back!” Mac’s voice was growing more and more agitated and Harm knew that he was getting close.
”No, I didn’t expect it,” he answered, maintaining the same reasonable tone. “But Mac, like it or not, it was his right to process my resignation. Actually, if you want to get technical about it, it was his responsibility.”
”Not like that,” she retorted bitterly, swiping an arm out as if to wipe away all of his explanations. “It wasn’t his right or his responsibility to treat you like that; to say those things to you, to be so cruel and spiteful. Especially not with me in the room.”
“Is that why you’re angry?” He was almost there; he could feel it. Somehow, Mac’s anger was tied into that scene in Chegwidden’s office. “Because of what he said to me when we got back?”
“No! Yes! I don’t...” She shook her head in frustration. She took a couple of deep breaths to calm herself and tried to explain. “Harm, he wasn’t giving you his reasons for not letting you come back and he wasn’t reprimanding you as your commanding officer. He was punishing you! He was punishing you for ignoring him, for leaving. He was punishing you for-“ she broke off abruptly and turned away, her hands clenching into fists.
Harm watched her standing there, suffering. A large part of him wanted to stop this, to let it go. But he knew that if they didn’t face it now, she would just bury it that much deeper and it would be even more difficult to deal with later. He sighed and pushed on.
“For what, Mac?” He asked softly, “What was he punishing me for?”
She whirled around to face him again, her face a mask of pure agony.
“For saving me! For not letting me die!” The words exploded out of her mouth, and with them the floodgates opened, setting free all of the repressed pain and anger of the past year. “He cared more about doing the politically correct thing than getting me out of there! And when you didn’t, when you did whatever it took to save me, when you gave up everything to bring me home, all he did was kick you in the teeth. He didn’t care about what you’d given up for me. He didn’t care about what you’d had to do to save me. He didn’t care how many people you saved by blowing up those Stingers, something that Webb and I couldn’t have done.” The moment she mentioned Webb’s name, whatever control she had left vanished. Her hands began to tremble as her anger was overtaken by her fear, and her voice was full of anxiety. “He didn’t care that if you hadn’t come when you did, they would have tortured me like they tortured Clay. That I would have ended up on that table, bleeding and screaming and-“
She trailed off with a whisper, pressing her hands to mouth as if she could stop the memories with the words. Harm watched as her eyes became unfocused, fixed on some horror that only she could see. Her breathing grew more rapid and her entire body began to tremble. Afraid that her legs were going to give out on her, he stepped up and gathered her tightly into his arms. She immediately sagged into his arms, and he quickly lowered them both to the floor. Sliding her into his arms, he cradled her and gently rocked her back and forth.
“It’s okay, Mac,” Harm whispered soothingly, all the while berating himself internally. He should have known. He should have known that what had happened to her in Paraguay had affected her more than she was letting on. But he was so used to her handling whatever came her way, and he was so upset about what had happened after he’d arrived, that he hadn’t seen the pain she was hiding. Even now, he could feel her fighting with herself, struggling not to break down. Knowing that breaking down was exactly what she needed; he tried to reassure her that it was okay to let go. “It’s okay to cry, Mac. You need to let go. You need to let it all go before it crushes you.” She shook her head violently and tried to pull away. Undeterred, he held on more tightly and continued.
“Yes, Mac. It’s okay to let go here. There’s no one to see you, no one to think less of you. It’s only me, Mac, and I won’t judge you. I won’t think you’re weak and I won’t ever use it against you. Just let it all go. Let me be strong for you for a little while.” He could feel the trembling intensify as her resolve faded. Pressing his lips to her hair, he said in a voice full of sincerity and unconditional love, “You’re safe here, Sarah. You’ll always be safe here.”
With those words, the last of Mac’s resistance vanished. Shifting in his arms, she wound her arms tightly around his neck and buried her face in his neck, the tears soaking his skin almost immediately. For almost an hour she sobbed, eerily silent except for the occasional gasp for air. Gradually, the trembling in her body slowed and then stopped, as did her tears. Still Harm rocked her, silently offering her his strength and his love. Finally, she slid her arms down from around his neck and lifted her head.
“You okay?” he asked gently. Her eyes were red and puffy from all of the crying, but he thought she seemed calmer and more at ease. She had needed that more than either of them had realized.
“Yeah,” she answered softly, smiling shyly at him. “I’m sorry for falling apart on you.”
“Did you miss the part where I said it was okay to let go?” He asked, the annoyed tone in his voice belied by the affectionate smile he directed at her.
She blushed and looked down at her hands. “No, but you probably weren’t expecting to get drenched when you said it.”
“I believe I told you once that stress had to relieve itself somehow.” He shrugged, “You had a lot of stress.” She couldn’t help but laugh a little at that and he smiled. His smile faded when he looked at her seriously and added, “Mac, we need to talk about this. About Paraguay.”
She stiffened, her good humor falling away. “We have talked about it.”
“No,” he countered firmly, “we talked about what happened between you and me, and we talked about what happened between you and Webb, but we never talked about what happened to YOU and what you went through down there.”
“I don’t want to,” she said weakly, her eyes still fixed on her hands. “I know that I probably need to, but I just don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to go back there, Harm.”
“I know,” he answered understandingly. He also knew that she would never fully heal from what happened if she didn’t confront it. Still, looking at her curled up vulnerably in his arms, he decided to let it go for now. She’d admitted what was wrong and she had gotten rid of some of the pain associated with it. That was enough one night. He smiled down at her, brushing a lock of hair off her face.
“But I think we’re done for tonight, okay?” She looked up at him and nodded, a grateful smile crossing her face. He pressed a kiss to her forehead. “In the meantime, why don’t you head on into the bathroom and freshen up. Splash some water on your face. Lie down if you need to.”
“I’ll take you up on the freshening up part,” she said with a smile, stretching out her arms and legs, “but I don’t need to lie down. Strangely enough, considering how much energy I just wasted ranting and crying, I’m not really tired.”
He looked at her for a moment. As strange as it seemed to him, she appeared to be telling the truth. She looked lighter, as if she’d just released a great weight from her shoulders, and he was once again amazed at her resiliency. He didn’t think he’d ever met anyone who could bounce back from things like Mac. Wanting to encourage her good mood, he smiled and gave her a playful nudge. “In that case, you want to get up? If I stay here on the floor much longer, I’m never gonna be able to move.”
“Must be tough being an old man,” she laughed, and then let out an indignant yelp when Harm pushed her off his lap. “Hey! That wasn’t very nice.”
“Yeah, well, you know us ‘old men.’ We’re mean,” he answered with a grin. Mac rolled her eyes as she stood up and dusted herself off. As he pulled himself off the floor, he felt his knees and his back ache in protest. He had the feeling that another few minutes and he really would have been stuck on the floor. And from the smirk on Mac’s face, she knew it, too. He raised a finger and said threateningly, “Not one word, Marine. Now go get cleaned up and I’ll round us up some dinner.”
“Aye, aye, sir!” She responded with an impudent grin. She snapped off an irreverent salute and headed off to the bedroom.
Harm’s eyes tracked her until she disappeared up the steps, and then he headed into the kitchen and pulled out the pasta salad he had made earlier in the day. He had wanted something quick and easy that could be pulled out at a moment’s notice. Or pulled out for a midnight snack, as he had been hoping before Meredith had called Mac and put an end to that fantasy. He doubted that any promises were going to be fulfilled tonight. Even if Mac wasn’t exhausted, it didn’t mean she was in the mood for anything after everything she’d been through today. Harm couldn’t deny that he was a little disappointed; he’d been dreaming about this night for a week. Hell, who was he kidding? He’d been dreaming about this night for years. But he was willing to wait until the time was right, especially when he knew that whether or not they made love, he still got to fall asleep with her in his arms. Mac had promised to stay the night and then they would go over to Mattie and Jen’s for a big Sunday breakfast, so he wasn’t going to complain.
Harm had the table set and was pouring drinks when he heard Mac call out to him.
“Harm, do you mind if I change into something more comfortable?”
“You’re wearing sweats, Mac,” he responded without turning around. “What could you change into that would be more comfortable?”
“How about this?” she asked innocently. Harm turned around to look, and the bottle of sparkling cider almost fell from his hand. She was leaning against the entrance to his bedroom, one arm over her head and the other tracing idle circles on her stomach, clad in nothing more than a bra and panties. A very sexy bra and panties. A very sexy black lace bra and panties. Harm slowly set the bottle down on the counter, trying very hard not to drool.
“Harm?” Her voice was low and sultry and her eyes were dark with desire. She stepped away from the doorway, “You didn’t answer my question. Is this okay?”
“It’s more than okay,” he replied huskily, and was gratified to see the shiver of desire that ran through her. He stepped around the counter and moved forward. “Does this mean you don’t want dinner?”
“No, I still want dinner,” she responded, her voice low. She stepped up to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. Standing on tiptoe, she brushed her lips against his ear and whispered, “But I want dessert first.”
Harm couldn’t stop his body’s instant response to her provocative tone, but he held onto his control long enough to ask, “Mac, are you sure? If you’re not-“
She cut him off by pressing her lips gently to his in a slow, meaningful kiss. His hands slid down to grasp her hips and pull her closer, and they stood there kissing until the need for air parted them. Mac stepped back and lifted his hands off her hips. Holding tightly to them, she took a step backward, pulling him willingly to the bedroom. She flashed him another sultry smile.
“Come on, flyboy. It’s time for bed.”
“Aye, aye, ma’am.”
January 24, 2004
Harm’s Apartment
2035 EST
‘Mac was late.’