Where We Belong
Part Five
�Commander?�
The voice from behind him startled him out of his thoughts and he whirled around to see Harriet standing in the open doorway. She had Jimmy in her arms and a concerned look on her face.
Harm took a couple of deep breaths, trying to calm his racing heart. Harriet reached out and placed a gentle hand on his arm.
�I�m so sorry, Commander,� she apologized. �I didn�t mean to scare you.�
�It�s okay, Harriet,� Harm said, squeezing the hand still resting on his arm. He smiled a little, trying to hide his nervousness. �Um, I was stopping by to talk to Bud. Is he around?�
The question came out with a stutter and Harriet�s look of concern intensified. �No, sir. He and A.J. just left to go get dinner.�
�Oh,� Harm replied, disappointed. He knew from experience that taking A.J. Roberts out for dinner was quite a lengthy process, and Bud would be exhausted when they got back. Harm couldn�t justify waiting around for the two of them to get home just so that he could talk to Bud about his pathetic excuse for a love life.
Harriet could see that he was upset and tried to help. �I can call him on his cell phone, Commander and tell him that you need to talk to him. He�d be home in-�
�No,� Harm interrupted, holding up his hand. �That�s not necessary, really. It�s nothing work related. I just wanted to ask him...That is, I just wanted to get his opinion on...I...� He shook his head. �Never mind, Harriet. It�s not important. I�ll talk to him later.�
�Commander, maybe I could help?� Harriet suggested cautiously. �I mean, you said you needed advice on something non-work related.� She grinned, �I�m sure I could muster up and opinion or two, sir.�
�Thanks, Harriet,� Harm managed to muster a small smile. �But I really don�t want to intrude.� He started to back up. �I�ll see you both at work tomorrow, okay?�
Harriet�s hand tightened on his arm. �Harm,� she said softly, but firmly, �come inside.�
He looked at her, startled. He couldn�t recall her ever calling him by his first name; that she did now indicated to him that she could see how upset he was. It made him think that she just might be a good person to ask about the whole mess. Still, he hesitated. Talking to Harriet would make the whole thing so real. It would mean that he would have to admit to someone his feelings for Mac, something he�d never been able to do.
Harriet sensed his hesitation, but she didn�t let it stop her. Slipping her hand underneath his arm, she gently led him into the house. Soon, without quite knowing how it happened, he was sitting on the sofa with Jimmy in his lap while Harriet went to get them both something to drink. He took a moment just to stare at the younger Roberts child. He looked a lot like Harriet, Harm thought as he bounced the little boy on his knee. Jimmy gurgled happily and Harm smiled. His mind drifted to his deal with Mac.
�Your looks and my brains, he�ll be perfect.� That was what Harm wanted; a little boy with Mac�s big brown eyes, and her bright smile. Or a little girl, it didn�t matter. As long as it was healthy and happy, as long as it was his and Mac�s. The image of that perfect little combination of the two of them filled him with resolve. He wasn�t going to let go of that this time. He wasn�t going to stand aside and watch someone else claim the life that he wanted with her, not while there was the slightest chance that she wanted it, too.
�Commander?� For the second time in ten minutes, Harriet startled him out of his thoughts. But rather than becoming flustered, this time he just looked up at her and smiled. He took the glass from her hand and watched as she picked Jimmy up and placed him on a blanket on the floor before taking a seat next to him. They sat in silence while Harm tried to figure out the best way to start this conversation. After a couple of minutes, Harriet took pity on him.
�Does this have something to do with your fight with the Colonel today?� she asked gently.
�Are we really that obvious?� He laughed ruefully, �Yeah, Harriet. It has everything to do with my fight with the Colonel. Actually, it has to do with all of my fights with the Colonel.�
�I kind of figured,� she smiled. �Why don�t you tell me about it, sir?�
�What happened to �Harm�, Harriet?� he asked with a smile.
�Harm,� she corrected. She fixed him with a hard stare. �Now, Harm, quit stalling and start talking.�
�Yes, ma�am,� he chuckled. When she just glared at him, he sighed. �I�m sorry, Harriet. I�m just not sure where to begin.�
She nodded in understanding. �How about with what started your fight today?�
He couldn�t help but grimace. �Webb,� he answered curtly.
�I see,� she said. �You�re upset with her because you think she�s dating Mr. Webb?�
�You don�t think she�s dating him?� Harm asked hopefully, ignoring the rest of her question.
�No, I don�t,� Harriet responded firmly. �And you should know better than to think it, too.�
�How am I supposed to know that?� he asked defensively. �She�s told me more than once that she�s going out with him. On Christmas Eve, she even said �I have a date with Webb.��
�So?� Harriet asked with infuriating calm. �Just because she goes out on the occasional date with him doesn�t mean they�re dating.�
�That�s what she said,� Harm exclaimed, annoyed. �I don�t get it. What does that mean? How can you date someone and not be dating them?�
�Pretty easily,� Harriet shrugged. Seeing his frustration, she tried to explain. �Harm, when you go out on a date with someone, there�s no commitment. You�re just agreeing to spend some time with the other person doing something that you both enjoy. Well, hopefully that you both enjoy,� she added. �But it doesn�t matter if you go on one date or a hundred with somebody. If you�re not looking to take things further, to move forward in a more serious relationship, than you�re not dating.�
Harm tried to make sense of what she was saying. Finally, he sighed. �I�m sorry, Harriet. I�m still not seeing the difference.�
Harriet sighed and tried to come up with a better explanation. Suddenly, her eyes lit up. �Harm, I�m going to ask you some questions and I want you to think about them and answer honestly. Okay?� When he nodded, she continued. �When was the first time you went on a date with Ms. Peterson?�
�Renee?� he repeated, startled. Where did that come from? �Um, I guess our first date would have been after she finished shooting the commercial.�
Harriet nodded. �And you went out on a few dates after that, right?�
�Yeah,� Harm responded warily, unsure of where this was headed.
�Was it serious?� she asked, �Or were you just enjoying her company?�
�At first, I was just enjoying her company,� he answered honestly. He began to get an idea of what Harriet was going for. �I didn�t really think it was going anywhere.�
�So when did you change your mind?� Harriet asked. �When did you decide to see if it could go anywhere?�
�After Sydney,� Harm said softly, staring at his hands. He finally understood what Harriet meant. �When Mac took Mic�s ring. That�s when Renee and I started dating.�
Suddenly, Harm heard what he�d just said, and what it implied. He glanced at her apprehensively. There was no shock on Harriet�s face, just an understanding smile. Ignoring the larger implications of his answer for the moment, she asked. �So do you understand the difference now?�
�Yeah,� Harm answered. �But if she really wasn�t dating Webb, why did she let me think that she was?�
�You asked her if she was dating him and she lied to you?� Harriet frowned. �That doesn�t sound like her.�
�Well, I didn�t exactly ask her,� Harm admitted sheepishly, �But when I said something about her and Webb being together, she didn�t tell me I was wrong.�
�Let me get this straight,� Harriet stared sternly at him. �You assumed that she and Webb were dating. Knowing you, you�re �comments� about them being together came out sounding pretty sarcastic,� Harm ducked his head at her scolding tone. Taking that as confirmation, she went on, �And knowing Mac, she got annoyed with your assumptions and your sarcasm. But rather than call you on it, she just let you think the wrong thing; probably trying in her own way to punish you for jumping to the wrong conclusion. Does that sound about right?�
�Yeah, that sounds reasonable, � Harm agreed, embarrassed.
Harriet rolled her eyes and let out a long-suffering sigh.
�You two are pathetic, you know that?� She glared at him, annoyed. She stood up and began pacing the room. �You act like you�re still in high school. Assuming and guessing about what the other person�s doing. Lashing out and pouting because you don�t think they return your feelings. Running off to other people because you think you�re not wanted, neither one of you bothering to just ASK the other what they want! I swear,� she said, turning and staring down at him angrily, �you two are such children sometimes that it�s all I can do not to send you both to a corner and give you a time-out!�
Harm sat on the sofa, stunned. He didn�t think he�d ever seen Harriet this upset. Well, except when she was in labor and Bud got stuck in the elevator, but he wasn�t sure that counted. He opened his mouth to defend himself, and Mac, against her accusations, but shut it quickly when she shot another threatening glare his direction. She just stood over him, clenching and unclenching her fists. Finally, she flopped down on the sofa and put her head in her hands. Massaging her temples, she said, �You two give me more headaches than A.J. and Jimmy combined.�
�Um, sorry?� he said timidly, not sure if he should be responding or not. She just shook her head. Taking a deep breath, she lifted her head. �I think you better just tell me everything. Start at Paraguay, and keep going �til I tell you to stop.�
�Harriet, that might take-� Harm broke off at the look on her face. He swallowed hard, �Um, okay. Why don�t I just start at Paraguay?�
�Why don�t you?� she agreed, her voice dangerously calm. Harm had never realized before how scary Harriet could be. �Must be a mom thing,� he thought idly as he debated where to begin. When she folded her arms across her chest and raised her eyebrows at him challengingly, he decided to just start talking. He had no doubt he�d explain everything eventually, one way or another.
It took Harm almost an hour to get through everything. From the moment Mac came to his apartment to tell him she was leaving to their argument today, he left nothing out, mostly because Harriet wouldn�t let him. He also touched on some of the other important conversations between him and Mac. Sydney, the Admiral�s porch, the Guadalcanal, and Jag-a-thon all came up at one point or another. It was surprisingly easy to talk to Harriet and it felt good to talk about it with someone who not only knew both Harm and Mac, but also cared equally for both of them. Finally, he finished talking and stared at Harriet apprehensively, waiting for her reaction.
For a long moment, Harriet didn�t say anything; she just looked thoughtfully at him. She seemed to be searching for the right thing to say. Scanning the room, her eyes fell on her son. Jimmy had rolled over on his back and was sleeping peacefully. She walked over and gently scooped him into her arms. Returning to her spot next to Harm, she started to speak, her eyes still focused on her sleeping child.
�When Bud and I first started dating,� she began, smiling tenderly at her son, �we had a huge fight. I don�t remember what started it, probably something stupid. The worst fights always start out about something stupid.� She rolled her eyes and Harm laughed.
�Anyway,� she continued when he stopped laughing, �whatever caused the fight, it ended up with me telling him that it was over. We were just too different; things were never going to work between us. And I left.� She stared pointedly at him. �Sound familiar?�
�Too familiar,� he answered quietly. He asked hesitantly, �Did you mean it?�
�At the time, yes,� Harriet responded honestly. �I was upset, Harm. Everything got blown out of proportion and all the sudden it all just seemed so hopeless. But even then, it wasn�t about not loving Bud or not wanting to be with him. I was just tired of all the fighting.�
�So what did Bud do?� Harm asked intently. He knew Harriet was telling him this story for a reason. Somewhere inside lay the key to fixing things with Mac.
�He let me go,� she answered, �At the time, I thought that meant that he agreed with me about it never working. It took me awhile to see past my own pain and fear enough to realize that Bud was hurting just as much as I was. But once I did, I went back and tried to fix things.�
�What happened then?�
�We talked,� Harriet responded, and then laughed. �And we fought a little more. But we�d both realized by then that we wanted to be together enough that we were willing to fight to make it happen.� She slid one arm out from underneath Jimmy and squeezed his hand.
�Harm, I can�t even begin to imagine what Mac went through down there. What you both went through,� she said candidly. �But it�s obvious you were both hurting enormously. Mac had just spent days imprisoned by terrorists, listening while they tortured a friend. She was almost tortured herself. She didn�t know whether Webb was going to die or not. Then the plane crashed and everything just went crazy for her. And you weren�t any better off. You resigned your commission, found her with only seconds to spare, and then watched her share a kiss with Webb that you didn�t know how to interpret. Then you had to destroy all those missiles and you crashed. You had a serious concussion.� She shook her head, �Neither one of you was in any state to be having any kind of serious discussion. You were right to try and postpone your talk. But without knowing why you were postponing it, without knowing your feelings, I can understand why Mac would see it as another rejection.�
She broke off at this point to give him a moment to digest everything she�d said. He ran it all over in his head. It made sense, he admitted to himself. He could see now why Mac would have interpreted things the way she had. More than that, though, he was starting to get an idea of the way she thought HE�D been interpreting everything. �What a mess,� he thought. Harriet was right, they shouldn�t have tried to have any kind of discussion. He paused as something occurred to him.
�Harriet?� he asked somewhat hesitantly, �Do you remember when I told you Mac had called all those times while I was with the CIA?� Harriet nodded. �Do you think she could have been thinking twice about what she�d said in Paraguay? Do you think that was why she was trying to talk to me?�
�It�s possible,� Harriet conceded, �Although she might not have come out and said as much. Or even admitted it to herself. But she might have been trying to feel you out. You know, see where you stood and if you�d be receptive to talking about things. And when you didn�t answer...� she trailed off, but he knew the rest anyway.
�When I didn�t answer, she thought that was my answer,� he finished.
�Probably,� Harriet agreed; Harm dropped his head in his hands. Not wanting him to get depressed, she added, �But just because it�s what she thought doesn�t make it the truth. Most of this is just a lot of miscommunication and hurt feelings. Compounded by a lot of fear and even more bullheadedness, on both parts. But if you just take a chance, you can change that. You can make her see the truth. All you have to do is make the first move.�
�Why do I have to be the one to make the first move?� Harm asked.
�Why not you?� she responded.
Why not him, indeed? How many times had Mac been the one to move first. In Sydney, she had been the one to make a move. Of course, at the time he�d had no idea what that move was, but still. And then there was the Jag-a-thon. When he had declared them at the end, it was Mac who had offered them a new beginning. And he wouldn�t even mention the seventeen phone calls.
On the other hand, he�d tried to make the first move more than once himself, only to be shot down. He�d followed her to the Guadalcanal, but she hadn�t waited for his answer. And he�d resigned his commission to follow her to Paraguay, which she�d interpreted about as successfully as he�d interpreted Sydney. Who knows, maybe it was just his turn again. He sighed and looked at Harriet, who was staring at him expectantly. Why not him?
�I don�t know what to do, Harriet,� he admitted hopelessly. �I don�t know how where to begin.�
Harriet smiled indulgently at him. �I hate to tell you this, Harm, but you�ve already begun.� She laughed at his befuddled look, but explained.
�You�re here, Harm. Instead of waiting for her to come to you, or for things to blow over, you came here. You came to your friends and asked for help. You were honest about what happened and you listened to the advice you were given. You didn�t give up; you took the initiative. It�s say that�s a pretty good beginning.�
A smile slowly spread over his face as her words registered. �It is, isn�t it?�
�Yes, it is,� she patted his arm and smiled. �But now I�m all out of advice and you need to get home to Mattie, Commander.�
Harm glanced at the clock on the mantle and was astonished to see that he�d been here for over an hour. Bud and little A.J. would be home any minute. In fact-
�Harriet, shouldn�t Bud be home by now,� he asked worriedly.
�He is home, sir.� Harriet said, laughing again. �He came in right as you were explaining about Mattie�s custody hearing, so I waved him upstairs.�
�Oops. Sorry,� he said, embarrassed. �I didn�t realize how late it was.�
�Don�t worry about it, sir,� she grinned conspiratorially, �It gave me a good excuse to make him put A.J. to bed.� They both laughed this time.
�Thanks, Harriet,� he said sincerely, wrapping his arms around her and giving her a gentle hug, mindful of the sleeping baby in her arms. She leaned up and kissed his cheek.
�Anytime, Harm.� She answered, and walked him to the door. As he moved down the steps, she called out to him. �One last piece of wisdom, sir. You don�t need to change to make things work between you. Neither does Mac. You just need to learn how to adapt.�
He flashed her one of his patented flyboy grins.
�I can do that.�
He opened the door quietly, peeking his head around to see if the light was on in the bedroom. It wasn�t. Harm sighed; he�d have to wait until tomorrow to talk to Mattie. He shut the door and was moving to put his keys down when he noticed a figure lying on the couch. It took only a moment to recognize the shape, and it definitely wasn�t Mattie. He set his keys on the counter, careful not to make any noise, and walked over to where Mac lay sleeping.
He didn�t think he would ever get tired of staring at Sarah Mackenzie; she was so heartbreakingly lovely. He sat on the edge of the coffee table and reached over to gently brush a lock of hair from her eyes. Getting a closer look at her face, he noticed the red nose and the puffiness under her eyes. She�d been crying, he realized and cursed under his breath. He was so tired of making her cry. He wanted to make her smile, to make her laugh. He wanted to make her happy.
Unable to resist, he leaned down and lightly brushed his lips against hers. Pulling back, he watched her eyes flutter open.
�Harm?� she murmured sleepily. �What�s going on?�
�Well, it looks like you feel asleep on my couch, Marine,� he smiled gently at her. �But I can�t say that I mind.�
�Okay,� she yawned. Suddenly his words penetrated her sleep-fogged brain. She bolted upright. �Oh, Harm. I�m sorry,� she apologized quickly, �I didn�t mean to fall asleep. I was waiting for you to come back, and I just laid my head down for a minute-�
�Whoa,� Harm interrupted. �Power down, Mac. I told you, I don�t mind. So just take a minute to get your bearings, okay?�
She blushed in embarrassment, but nodded. When she looked a little more coherent, he asked, �You said you were waiting for me to come back. How come? Did you talk to Mattie?�
�Yeah, I did,� Mac answered. �We had a good talk. And she wanted me to tell you that she�s sorry she called you a jerk, but she still thinks you�re an idiot.�
He laughed softly, �I told you she was a smart one.�
Mac tried to smile, but he could see she was still on edge. �What�s wrong, Mac?�
�Nothing,� she answered quickly. �It�s just...well, I didn�t come over to talk to Mattie, Harm. I came to talk to you.�
Harm tensed instinctively. As much as he wanted to talk to her, to set the things straight, he had hoped for more time to prepare what to say. He cleared his throat and asked, �What did you want to talk about?�
�Today,� she whispered, looking down at the floor. �I wanted...I wanted to tell you how sorry I was for what I said.�
�I�m not sure I understand, Mac,� Harm responded cautiously. Of all the things he expected to her say, �I�m sorry� wasn�t one of them. �What did you say that you�re sorry for?�
�For what I said about my relationship with Clay and my relationship with you.� She took a breath and looked up. �I had no right to compare you to Webb, Harm. And I had no right to get mad at you for not believing me. Ever since you came back, whenever you brought up Webb and me and assumed we were in a relationship, I never corrected you. I can�t expect you to just accept my word when I finally tell you the truth.� A look of shame crossed her face and she turned her gaze to the floor again.
He reached over and tilted her chin up. �You have every right to expect me to accept your word, Mac,� he stated firmly. �I�ll admit that I don�t like the fact that you let me believe you and Webb were together, but considering my attitude I can�t really blame you. But no matter what, Mac, I know you wouldn�t out and out lie to me. I�m sorry that I implied that you would.�
�It�s okay.� She said gently. �Neither one of us has been behaving very maturely about the whole thing. But I am sorry that I misled you, Harm. I shouldn�t have, I know. It just made me so mad that you kept assuming that I was with him when I wasn�t; when I told you in Paraguay that I wasn�t interested in him. I guess I thought, �Well, he doesn�t believe me when I tell him the truth, so I just won�t bother to tell him.��
It was Harm�s turn to look ashamed. �I�m sorry, Mac. I�m sorry for all the hassle I�ve given you about Webb. For doubting you in Paraguay. Actually, I�m sorry for just about everything I said and did in Paraguay. I was a total jerk, and as much as I�d like to blame it on the concussion, most of it was just my emotions going out of control.� He took a deep breath.
�You were right, Mac. I was jealous.� He smiled at her small gasp of surprise. �I bet you never thought you�d hear me admit that. Hell, I never thought I�d hear me admit that. But I was jealous. I was jealous of the kiss, and the way you hovered over him. I was jealous of the bond that the two of you had formed. But it was more than that.� He turned his head away.
Mac reached out and grabbed hold of his hands. �What is it, Harm? You can tell me.�
�I felt guilty,� he admitted softly. He looked down at their joined hands. �I felt guilty because there was a large part of me that hated him. I hated him for dragging you down there, and I hated him for almost getting you killed. And I hated him for being so hurt that I wasn�t allowed to hurt him myself.� He lifted his gaze to hers, his eyes tortured. �But most of all, I hated him for making me hate myself.�
�I don�t understand, Harm. Why would you hate yourself?� Mac�s voice was full of confusion. �Because you didn�t get there in time to stop them from hurting him?�
�Because there was a part of me that was glad they hurt him,� he whispered. He couldn�t face her anymore, so he focused on their hands again. �I kept having these dreams, Mac. Nightmares. I kept seeing you hurt, seeing you dead. And when I got to Paraguay and I found out that Webb had been tortured keeping you safe, I was relieved. I was so damn relieved. All I could think was �better him than Mac.� And I felt so guilty for feeling that way.�
Mac pulled one of her hands from his and placed it under his chin. When she tried to tilt his head up, he resisted, unable to face her. But she kept pushing until he finally lifted his head and looked at her, certain he would see disgust on her face. But when he met her eyes, all he saw was understanding and compassion. And a hint of the guilt reflected in his own eyes.
�Harm, I understand,� she said firmly. He started to protest, but she wouldn�t let him. �I do, Harm. More than you know. Do you...do you want to know why I hovered over him so much? Why I didn�t push him away? Why I went out on dates with him when I knew that he wanted more than I was ever going to give him? Do you want to know why I let him so far into my life?� she asked, her eyes filled with tears. Unable to speak, he could only nod his head.
�Because I felt guilty, too,� she admitted, as a tear broke free and rolled down her cheek. �I felt guilty for the same reason you did. Well, almost the same,� she amended.
�What do you mean?� he asked, not understanding what she was trying to say.
She sucked in a breath. �Because when I was locked in that room, listening to him scream, I remember thinking how glad I was that you hadn�t come on the mission, too. He was lying in my arms, telling me how much he needed me, and all I could think was �Thank God it�s Clay and not Harm.� And I hated myself for that. And it made me so angry with him for getting us into the situation in the first place, but I couldn�t get mad at him when he was so hurt because of me. So instead, I got mad at the only other person around.�
�Me,� Harm said quietly.
She nodded her head. Choking back a sob, she whispered, �I�m sorry, Harm. I�m so sorry. I didn�t mean to hurt you. I just couldn�t control my emotions. I couldn�t control anything. I�m sorry,� she repeated brokenly, tears streaming down her face.
�Shh. It�s okay, Sarah,� he murmured soothingly, pulling her into his embrace. She fought to pull away, but he held on. �It�s okay, I understand.� She shook her head violently, sobbing even harder. He tightened his arms around her and repeated, �I do understand, Sarah. I did the same thing.�
That brought her up short. She lifted her head and stared at him in shock. �What?�
�I did the same thing,� he said softly. He could feel the tears springing in his own eyes. �I wasn�t angry with you, Mac. Not really. But I took my anger out on you, anyway. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn�t stop myself. I�m sorry, Sarah.�
She stared at him for a long moment, and then wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged tightly. He pressed his cheek against her hair. �Does that mean you forgive me?� he whispered.
�Of course I do, Harm,� her voice, though muffled by his chest, was sincere. �Do you forgive me?�
�Oh, Mac, of course I forgive you.� He pulled her closer and they just sat there for a time, wrapped in each other�s arms. Finally, Harm decided it was time to lighten the moment. �So, Mac, now that Webb�s made a full recovery, can we go find him and take our anger out on him?�
She laughed. �You�re terrible,� she giggled, swatting at his chest. He pulled away from her in shock.
�Mac, did you just giggle?� he asked incredulously.
She looked at him indignantly. �Of course not! Marines don�t giggle, Harm,� she said sternly, then promptly proved herself wrong by giggling again.
�You�re too much, Marine,� he shook his head and laughed.
�I am, huh?� she said saucily, �Too much for you to handle, flyboy?� The last part came out as a purr, and Harm felt his body react immediately. Rather than pull away, he brought her closer until she couldn�t help but feel his response. She gasped softly, but her eyes darkened with desire.
�You�re never too much for me, Sarah,� he whispered. Before she could respond, he leaned forward and pressed his lips against hers. She responded instantly, opening her mouth and running her tongue across his lips. He moaned, and she took the opportunity to explore his mouth. Not to be outdone, he began his own oral assault. He lost himself completely in the sensations she was creating in him. The taste, the feel of her was intoxicating and his desire threatened to rage out of control and consume them both. When she tried to drag her mouth away from him, he followed. Groaning in surrender, she resumed kissing him. Finally, the need to breathe was overwhelming and they broke apart, gasping for air.
�Harm,� Mac panted, placing one hand on his chest to prevent any further assaults. �We can�t do this-�
�Yes we can, Sarah,� he responded fiercely, his eyes glowing with passionate conviction.
�You remember on New Year�s when you asked me what else was on my list?� he asked, but didn�t give her a chance to answer. �This is what�s on my list, Mac. You and me, together, like this.�
He locked gazes with her, and let her see everything he was feeling; all of the passion, and all of the love. �I can�t be just friends with you anymore, Mac,� he said, cupping her cheek gently. �It�s not enough. I finally know exactly what I want, Mac. I want more. I want everything. And I want it with you.�
Mac gaped at him in shock. She opened her mouth and tried to speak, but nothing came out. And the longer she went without speaking, the more afraid Harm became. What if she didn�t want this? What if she wasn�t ready, and she bolted because he pushed too hard? What if he�d moved too fast and ruined everything?
�Mac?� he asked, his voice a tortured whisper. �Say something. Please?�
She reached a hand up and placed it against his cheek. �Do you mean it?� she asked softly, looking at him in wonder. He couldn�t find his voice; all he could do was nod his head emphatically. She stared at him for another agonizing moment, and then a wide, joyful grin spread across her face. Throwing her arms around his neck, she proceeded to kiss the life out of him.
He didn�t understand how it was possible, but this kiss was even more passionate than the last. Harm felt her hands running down his back, slipping underneath his shirt and back up along his bare skin. His own hands began to wander, the one on her back drifting under the waistband of her jeans while the other frantically worked on the buttons of her blouse. He had just managed to get her shirt unbuttoned far enough to catch a glimpse of red satin when she tore her mouth away from his and pulled his hands away from her.
He groaned in protest, but she didn�t release his hands. �We can�t, Harm,� she said breathlessly. �I want to, more than you know, but we can�t.�
�Why the hell not?� he growled, trying to lean forward and silence her protestations with another searing kiss.
Mac moaned when Harm managed to make contact with her neck, but managed to get out a complete sentence.
�Harm, Mattie�s asleep in the other room.�
It took a minute for her words to register, but when they did, it was like a bucket of ice water had been dumped over him. He lifted his head and tried to stand up to get some distance from Mac, only to realize that at some point she had shifted and was now straddling his lap. Mac apparently realized the same thing, and slid quickly off of him. As soon as he was free, he jumped up and placed himself a good five feet away from her. He tried to calm his racing heart, and had almost succeeded when he made the mistake of looking at Mac.
She was sprawled out on the couch, her lips swollen from his kisses and her eyes still dark with desire. She was leaning back on her elbows, breathing heavily, and he could see the rise and fall of her chest through her still open shirt. He screwed his eyes shut tightly and immediately added another five feet to his distance.
He wasn�t sure how long it took him to calm down enough to open his eyes, but when he did, Mac was sitting at the far end of the couch, shirt buttoned and legs tucked underneath her. He sat cautiously down at the other end. There was an awkward silence as they both tried to figure out where to go next.
�That was...nice,� Mac said softly, a shy smile crossing her face. He grinned.
�You have a gift for understatement, Marine.� They both laughed softly. Eventually, the laughter died down and Mac said soberly, �This doesn�t solve everything, you know. We still have a lot of fixing to do.�
�I know,� Harm said softly, �And I know it won�t be easy. But we can do it, Mac. We�ll have to work hard at it, but if we both want to, we can do it.�
�I want to, Harm,� she said earnestly, �However long it takes. Whatever I have to do, I�ll do it. I�m not giving up this time. Never again.�
�Never again,� he repeated back to her, the words a vow. She reached out her hand and he caught it up quickly, wrapping it in both of his own.
�I really should go, Harm,� she sighed regretfully. �And if I don�t leave now, I won�t be able to leave at all.�
He nodded reluctantly, and let her pull her hand from his grasp. He watched as she stood up, grabbing her purse and moving to the door. �Mac, about tonight,� he hesitated, and then blurted out, �I�ll wait as long as you want, but promise me we�ll finish what we started.�
A smile slowly crossed her face. �Oh, that�s an easy promise to make, flyboy,� she said in the most sultry voice he�d ever heard. �And just as soon as you come up with a plan to make sure we aren�t...interrupted, I�ll spend all night keeping that promise.�
�I think you�ve got it backwards, Mac,� Harm responded, his own voice rough with desire, �It�s your job to come up with the dispassionate plan, after all.�
She flashed him a sexy smile. �Not this time, Harm. All of my plans for you involve lots and lots of passion.�
His body filled with desire at her pronouncement and he couldn�t contain a groan. She let out a wicked little laugh as she pulled the door open.
�Sweet dreams, sailor,� she said, blowing him a kiss before quickly stepping out and closing the door behind her.
�Sweet dreams? I don�t think so,� he muttered to himself. A slow grin crossed his face. �But they�ll certainly be pleasant.�
Roberts Residence
1930 EST
Harm stood on the front porch and lifted his hand to knock, only to drop it at his side again. He turned around to get back in his car. He had no idea why he�d come here. It wasn�t like he�d spent a lot of time just hanging out with Bud and Harriet since he�d come back to JAG. If anyone asked, he would have told them he didn�t want to intrude on them and the new baby, but the truth was he felt guilty. He hadn�t exactly kept in contact while he�d been gone and he was uncomfortable showing up unannounced like this. Actually, even before he�d left JAG, he wouldn�t have been comfortable showing up like this. Not for this reason, anyway. Not to ask for advice about Mac. But the truth was, he didn�t know who else to ask. In the past he would have gone to Sturgis first, but despite his holiday turnaround, his old friend�s own relationship with Mac was still on shaky ground. And he sure as hell couldn�t ask the Admiral. Besides, Bud had known Mac as long as Harm had. And Bud had a happy and successful marriage; he obviously understood the female mind better than Harm ever had.
Harm�s Apartment
2110 EST
Harm unlocked his apartment door with considerably more enthusiasm than he had a few hours earlier. He had gone over his talk with Harriet on the ride home, and he felt more confident than ever that he and Mac could make things work. He just had to figure out how to get her to talk to him. But first, he had to figure out how to get Mattie to talk to him.