The Next Conflicting Phase
Part Twenty-Eight
The past six months had been difficult for all of them, but none more so than Mac. Not only was she the one who was sick, but her medical leave had forced her away from her biggest support system. Where the rest of them had the comfort of falling back into work and duty at JAG, Mac had been alone and adrift in a strange new place. Fortunately, she had Harm there for her every step of the way, or she would have had an even more difficult time adjusting. As it was, her first days back at JAG had been awkward and uncomfortable. The minute she walked into the building, she was back under the microscope, and it had made her extremely self-conscious.
Although she had been cleared for duty by her doctor, and swore vehemently that she was feeling a hundred percent again; when she had reported to him that first day, it had taken all his discipline not to gasp in shock. She had looked so different. It wasn�t just that she was too thin, with her uniform hanging loosely on her slender frame, or that her doctor�s orders to stay out of the sun had left her skin unnaturally pale. They were the most noticeable, of course, but there were other, smaller things that had brought home to all of them just how much had changed. Things like her hair, which had grown long enough that she had to pull it back into a bun for work, emphasized the passage of time.
But even more than anything physical, it was the emotional changes that were the most startling. Mac was�softer, somehow; quieter, and a little hesitant about finding her place again. And yet, underneath that, there was a new confidence in her as well; a hard-won sense of strength and peace that came from facing your own mortality and realizing what�s really important.
It was easy to see what was most important to Mac. Not a day would pass that he wouldn�t walk through the bullpen and find her in Harm�s office; or vice versa. Unless one of them was in court or out investigating something, they would work on whatever cases they were assigned side-by-side. They rarely spoke, except for the occasional question or lighthearted remark; they just took comfort in the other�s presence and unwavering devotion. And it was seeing this, and knowing that whatever happened in the future, Harm and Mac would be able to face it together, that let AJ know that the time was right for him to move on.
AJ stopped as he reached his outer office and turned to look at the bustling activity of the bullpen. His heart grew heavy as he watched these people, his people, going about their duties with their customary dedication and efficiency. They were his family, and he was going to miss them more than he would ever be able to express to them; but he knew he was doing the right thing. He wasn�t the same man he�d been when he�d took over as JAG eight years ago, and the man he was now wasn�t the right one to lead these people; to lead anyone. They deserved better than the reluctant, half-assed way he�d done his job this year, and the only way for them to get it was for him to walk away.
He sighed, and was about to head into his office when he noticed Harriet moving into the center of the bullpen, calling for everyone�s attention. Curious what she was up to, he slipped up behind her to stand next to Bud. His jaw dropped when he heard her announce her intention to go to reserve status, due to her husband getting her pregnant again. With twins, no less. Shaking his head in awed amusement, he quietly asked Bud, �Don�t you ever let her sleep?�
A wide grin spread over Bud�s face. �Apparently not, sir,� he answered, gazing proudly at his wife. AJ stepped back as the happy couple was mobbed by a crowd of well-wishers. He briefly entertained the notion of choosing this moment to announce his retirement, since everyone was already gathered together, but quickly dismissed it. This was Bud and Harriet�s moment, and he wasn�t going to ruin it by upsetting everyone about his leaving. At least, he hoped they�d be upset; considering the way he�d behaved over the last year, he wasn�t so sure.
Once again, AJ moved towards his office, only to stop a second time when he caught sight of Mac and Harm in the corner of his eye. Turning fully, he watched as they slipped up to the front of the crowd. Mac reached out first, hugging Harriet and then Bud, softly speaking what he assumed were words of congratulations. He frowned when he noticed the tears brimming in her eyes, and almost brushed it off � Mac might be a Marine, but she was also a woman, and women were notorious for crying over pregnancies and other things men didn�t understand. However, there was something in her expression that made him think that this was more than just happiness for her friends; something wistful and sad, almost aching. And whatever it was, it wasn�t just her; Harm�s face bore almost the exact same expression as he took her place in front of their friends.
AJ�s frown turned to a scowl as he watched the two of them slip back out of the crowd just as quickly as they�d come. They started to move out of the bullpen, probably to head to Harm�s office, when Mac stumbled. Harm�s arm quickly shot out to steady her, and they made a detour into Mac�s office. Ushering her gently inside, AJ was able to catch sight of Harm helping her to her desk before stepping over to the window to shut the blinds.
Unsettled by what he had seen, the Admiral retreated into his office to try and figure out what to do about what he had seen. He had thought that Mac was finally settling back into her place at JAG, but now he wondered if he�d let his desire to resign color his perceptions. It was obvious from her reaction to Harriet�s leaving that things weren�t going as well as he�d thought, and he realized that finding out he was leaving as well would only make things worse. Unfortunately, he couldn�t take back his resignation; it was a done deal. All he could do was try to make the changes as easy as possible for her.
And for Harm as well. It was obvious that Harriet�s announcement had hit him hard, and AJ couldn�t blame him. He imagined that one of the things that had kept Harm going these past months was the knowledge that once Mac was better, she would return to work and his world would go back to normal. Now, between Mac�s difficulty readjusting and his and Harriet�s leaving, that would never happen.
AJ sighed; this was not working out the way he�d hoped. He momentarily considered delaying his retirement, but quickly decided against it. Whether it happened now or in a few months, the effect would be the same. Better to get all the changes over with at once, rather than drawing them out painfully. He would, however, tell Harm and Mac privately, to give them a chance to process the news without the eyes of the rest of the staff on them.
He started to hit the intercom to have Jen call them into his office, but changed his mind at the last moment. He didn�t want to do this at work, when they were still bound by their uniforms and ranks and protocol. Instead, he decided that he would ask them if he could stop by their house after work and speak to them there, figuring that they might feel better if they were in the comfort of their own home.
With the decision made, he picked up the phone and dialed the extension to Mac�s office. She answered promptly, and to her credit, there was nothing in her tone to indicate the emotional turmoil he had just witnessed. She sounded completely professional, if slightly confused by his request, and quickly agreed to have him over for coffee after dinner. He thanked her and hung up the phone, and spent the rest of the day trying to figure out exactly what he would say when he saw them.
It had become a tradition for them, washing the dishes together after dinner. A quiet time where they could talk about anything, important or trivial, or just work side by side in companionable silence; just a chance to spend some time together. Now, as they waited a little apprehensively for the Admiral�s arrival, Mac thought it would be a good idea to take their minds off their questions and focus on something more pleasant. And from the wide grin that spread over Harm�s face, the idea appeared to be working.
Harm couldn�t help but smile at the thought of a day spent flying with Mac, something he never thought would happen again. She had made it quite clear on any number of occasions that she was never getting in a plane alone with him again. Not that he could blame her. On the contrary, considering that their record together included one hard landing, an ejection, and a crash into the jungle, Harm thought it was a completely understandable response.
So he was shocked when she had told him that she wanted to go flying with him this weekend. His first reaction had been to ask her if she was joking, but she assured him that she was quite serious. She�d been thinking about it for awhile, ever since Harm had convinced her to pick up a camera again. He had been wonderfully supportive as she rediscovered her first love, and it bothered her that she couldn�t say the same for him. Granted, she had never accidentally almost gotten them both killed using up a roll of film, but she still felt bad that she couldn�t share his passion for flying with him; especially since she had really enjoyed that first flight, up to the point where things had started to go so wrong. She wanted to be able to share that with him again, and had finally gotten tired of letting her fear of those past experiences hold her back. She was still nervous, but she was determined to go through with it. And any time she faltered, she would just remember that look of hope and excitement and love on Harm�s face, like she was seeing at that moment, and her resolve would strengthen.
�Yep,� Harm answered her question, and a smile flitted across Mac�s face at the enthusiasm in his voice. �Sarah will be waiting for us on the runway in Blacksburg at ten a.m. sharp. And I know a nice clearing where we can set down for our picnic.� Harm stepped away from the sink to put the plates away, turning over his shoulder to add cheekily, �Don�t worry; there�s plenty of room to take off again.�
Mac frowned and bit her lip as the mention of Blacksburg brought something else to mind. �Sounds good,� she answered distractedly.
Harm caught the look on her face, and misinterpreted it as worry over their upcoming flight. He walked back over to her and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.
�Mac, we don�t have to do this, you know. It�s okay to change your mind.�
Mac looked up at him, startled. �What?� she asked in confusion. When she realized what Harm meant, she quickly shook her head. �No, Harm, it�s not that. I want to do this. I want to be able to share this with you again. I had fun that first time � before the unexpected landing and psychotic poachers,� she added ruefully. Then she smiled again as she thought about how she had felt those first moments up in the air with him. �Flying with you was�amazing, Harm. I let my fear push those memories away for awhile, but I�m not going to give into that fear anymore.� Her eyes twinkled as she added teasingly, �Just check the fuel line twice before we go up, okay?�
Harm chuckled, relieved that she wasn�t backing out; he was looking forward to Sunday more than he thought possible. �Three times, at least,� he promised, the solemn note in his voice belied by the gleam of amusement in his eyes. The gleam faded when the rest of what she�d said filtered through his consciousness, and he realized that there was still something upsetting her. �So, if you�re not worried about flying, what are you worried about?�
She sighed as she reached into the sink to let the water drain. �Mattie. And I�m not really worried,� she added hastily, not wanting him to shoot into panic mode, �just trying to work something out.�
�Like what?� Harm asked with a frown. It had taken the better part of six months, but their relationship with Mattie was finally on the mend. She had started sending Mac little get well cards when radiation treatments began, which led to phone calls, and finally, a hesitant request to come visit her up in Blacksburg a couple of weeks ago. Things were still a little awkward, but with all three of them making a concerted effort to reestablish the bond they�d formed last year, they were slowly and steadily moving forward. Harm was glad, and he knew Mac was as well; they had both missed Mattie�s spark and enthusiasm. Now he was wondering what had happened with her that had Mac so concerned.
Mac tossed her sponge down and then hopped up to sit on the counter. �We got to talking when I called earlier to make sure she still wanted us to take her to dinner after we got back,� she explained, idly kicking her feet against the cabinets, �and she said something strange. She said her dad never served time for the accident.�
�That�s not possible. Vehicular manslaughter carries a mandatory sentence,� he protested, and Mac shrugged helplessly. Harm thought back to the conversations he�d had with Mattie all those months ago, and realized that they had never really talked about exactly what happened the night her mom died. He looked up at Mac. �You know, when I think about it, there�s something about the whole situation that seems a little�off. I think I�m going to check into it further. I�ll see if Harriet can pull the police report tomorrow at work.�
Mac nodded. �Yeah, I think that�s a good idea,� she told him. Then, because there was nothing more they could do tonight, she decided to address the other subject that was worrying her. �So, what do you think the Admiral wants to talk to us about?�
�I don�t know. Maybe it has something to do with Harriet leaving,� he suggested nonchalantly, ignoring the little voice in his head that was telling him it was probably something more serious. �He wants us to organize a party or something.�
Mac shook her head; she wasn�t buying it. �He could talk to us at work about something like that,� she pointed out, and Harm shook his head with a sigh.
�Then maybe he just wants to make sure you�re settling back in okay,� he said quietly. He walked over to stand between her legs. Reaching up a hand to gently stroke her cheek, he asked, �Are you okay?�
Mac�s first instinct was to brush off his concern with her usual �I�m fine�, but she forced herself to keep silent; to take a moment and really think about what she was feeling so she could answer him honestly. She knew he was worried about her reaction to Harriet�s announcement today, and she couldn�t blame him. For all of their talk about not eliminating any options until they�d passed the one year mark, Mac couldn�t help but feel that every day that passed took her one step further away from her dream of having children with Harm. She tried to be positive, but some days it was hard to find hope, and today was one of those days.
Still, she thought to herself as she looked into Harm�s eyes and saw the love and concern there, even if she couldn�t have his children, she still had him. And that was more than she�d ever thought possible. She smiled at that thought, and suddenly she realized that telling him she was fine wasn�t a lie.
�Yeah,� she answered him honestly, �It just all took me by surprise.� Harm continued to stare at her, trying to judge the sincerity of her words, and Mac held his gaze openly. After a moment of silent communication, Harm sighed with relief, recognizing the truth in her words. He smiled softly at her.
Mac watched the worry fade from his eyes with relief; she didn�t want him to worry about her. But even as the worry faded, so did his smile, and then it was her turn to worry. Placing her hand over his, she linked their fingers together and brought them down to rest in her lap, asking, �What about you, Harm? Are you okay?�
Unlike Mac, Harm wasn�t quick enough to stifle his automatic response. �I�m fine,� he said, and watched guiltily as Mac�s eyes filled with a mixture of skepticism and hurt. He swore inwardly, knowing he�d just broken one of the rules they�d laid down for themselves. Not being honest about when they were hurting was one of their greatest weaknesses as a couple, and it was something they were both working hard to fix. He opened his mouth to apologize, but she just shook her head and gave him a small smile of understanding; it wasn�t the first time one of them had fallen back into that familiar pattern, and it probably wouldn�t be the last. The important thing was that they were trying.
Grateful for her understanding, he gave her a sheepish smile, and then took a deep breath and tried to give her honest answer to her question.
�I�m mostly fine,� he amended, and then sighed, adding, �I just�little AJ�s fifth birthday is in a couple of weeks.�
Mac nodded sadly. �I know.�
Harm looked down at their joined hands and began idly stroking her fingers. �Ever since we made that deal, I�ve had this image in my head of a little boy that looks just like you,� he admitted quietly, �Whenever things got bad between us, I�d hold onto that image, to that dream of our family.� He finally lifted his eyes to meet hers, and Mac�s heart ached when she saw tears threatening. �It�s hard to let that dream go.�
Slipping her hands from his, she lifted them up to cup his cheeks. �You don�t know for sure that you have to let it go,� she told him earnestly, pushing aside her own doubts. She wanted to give him some hope, to take away that look of sorrow in his eyes, even if she knew that hope was slim.
Harm nodded, covering her hands with his own. �I know. But as much as I want kids with you, I can�t imagine you getting pregnant at this point. I can�t�� his voice broke, and he had to force the words past the lump in his throat. �I can�t lose you, Mac.�
Mac wrapped her arms around Harm�s shoulders and pulled him tightly to her. He buried his face in the crook of her neck, and Mac felt a few hot tears splash against her skin. Stroking a hand soothingly through his hair, she held him silently, rocking them both gently back and forth as he let go of some of the pain and fear he�d been keeping inside.
The tears stopped as quickly as they�d begun, but still Mac held him and comforted him. When she could feel some of the tension in his back ease, she leaned down and spoke softly next to his ear. �Harm.� She waited until he turned his head to look at her, and then said simply, �I�m here, Harm. And I�m not going anywhere.�
Harm nodded and lifted his head from her shoulder, embarrassed by his emotional display. But before he could pull away from her, Mac slid a hand to the back of his neck and pulled him forward for a kiss. It started out as something soft and sweet, an expression of love and reassurance that she wouldn�t leave him, but the passion that was always beneath the surface of their relationship erupted, and they were soon locked in a heated embrace.
Harm�s hands slid under her shirt and began roaming the soft skin of her sides and belly, reveling in the freedom to touch her. For so long, he had to be so careful not to cause her any more pain or discomfort, and eventually they had reached the point where he couldn�t touch her at all. After the radiation was finished and she began to heal, they had slowly begun renewing the intimacy between them, but they had yet to make love. Between the follow-up appointments with the doctor and the stress of Mac�s return to work, they just hadn�t found the time, and the sexual tension kept building until they were both ready to explode. Hell, the way they were kissing and groping, they were about to explode right there on the kitchen counter, and neither one of them minded a bit.
Harm had just grabbed hold of the hem of her blouse and was about to pull it over her head when the doorbell rang, announcing the Admiral�s arrival. They both groaned loudly in disappointment and dismay at the interruption.
�That man has lousy timing,� Harm exclaimed, frustrated beyond belief, and Mac could only nod in agreement as she reluctantly lifted her head and unlocked her legs from around his waist. She adjusted her blouse and ran a hand through her hair before trying to slip off the counter, only to be held in place by Harm�s tight grip on her waist. She reached down to pry his hands away, but he stubbornly refused to let go, his face drawn into a pout. Laughing, she leaned forward and gave him a light kiss before forcing his hands away and hopping off the counter.
�We�ll pick that up later, I promise,� she told him, slipping away from him before he could pull her back into his arms. As she backed out of the kitchen, she took in his messy hair and rumpled clothing, not to mention his obvious arousal, and said with a smile, �In the meantime, why don�t you get the coffee ready while I get the door? Give you a chance to calm down.�
Harm glared at her, but grudgingly began to straighten his clothing as Mac headed out to open the door. When she got there, she took a cursory glance out the window to confirm that it was the Admiral before opening the door and welcoming him inside.
�Admiral,� she smiled pleasantly as she held the door open for him. �Come in, please.�
�Hello, Mac,� AJ greeted her as he stepped inside. Mac held out her hand for the light jacket he was wearing to ward off the beginnings of a chilly evening and hung it up on the coat rack. Then she turned and gestured to the living room.
�Why don�t we sit down?� she suggested. �Harm�s just fixing some coffee.�
AJ nodded. �Sounds good.� They made their way into the room, and Mac sat on the sofa while AJ took the chair directly across from her. Once they were settled, they made small talk as they waited for Harm to join them.
�So, any plans for the weekend?� AJ asked her, and she shrugged.
�Nothing spectacular,� she said. �Since the weather�s supposed to be so nice, we�re going to work out in the yard; start to get some things planted. And then on Sunday we�re going up to Blacksburg to take Sarah up, maybe have a picnic somewhere.�
�That sounds nice. But I thought I remembered a certain someone vowing never to set foot in any kind of aircraft alone with Rabb again. Is my memory failing me?� AJ asked, his eyes sparkling with amusement, and Mac grinned.
�I was feeling generous, so I decided to give him one more shot.�
�Very brave of you.�
�I thought so,� she laughed lightly. Looking up, she saw Harm coming out of the kitchen carrying a tray with three steaming mugs of coffee, and started to get up. �Hey, let me help you with that.�
Harm shook his head. �I got it,� he reassured her as he entered the living room. Setting the tray on the coffee table, he greeted his commanding officer. �Good evening, sir. How are you?�
�Good, thanks,� AJ answered, standing up to shake Harm�s hand in greeting. �How about yourself?�
Harm shrugged nonchalantly as he took his seat next to Mac. �Can�t complain.� Taking the mug Mac handed him with a smile, he looked from one to the other and asked, �So, what�d I miss?�
�I was telling the Admiral about our plans to go flying on Sunday. He agrees that it�s very brave of me to fly with you again,� Mac responded with an impish grin.
Harm glared at her in mock annoyance. �Funny, marine. And it was your idea, don�t forget.�
�Temporary insanity,� she countered easily, and then turned to AJ before he could respond. �How about you, sir? Doing anything exciting this weekend?�
A fleeting grin crossed his face as he watched the playful interaction between his two best officers. Then he thought about why he was here, and the grin faded. Recognizing the opportunity that had just presented himself, he took a sip of coffee as he figured out the best way to start.
�Actually,� he finally answered, setting his mug on the table in front of him, �I�m going to be spending the weekend planning a vacation for me and my daughter.�
�That�s great, sir,� Mac enthused, as Harm nodded his head in silent agreement. �It�s been a long time since you�ve seen her. Are you going out to Italy?�
�No, actually, Francesca�s coming here.� He paused, and then added cautiously, �She�s agreed to accompany me on my quest to visit every major league baseball stadium in the US.�
Harm�s eyes widened in surprise; there were over a dozen stadiums scattered across the continental US. �Wow. That�s pretty ambitious, sir.�
�And time consuming,� Mac added. �I can�t believe the Secnav�s letting you have that much vacation time.�
�He�s not,� AJ answered, and his two officers looked at him in confusion. Taking a deep breath to prepare himself, he said bluntly, �I�m retiring.�
Harm and Mac stared at him in open-mouthed shock, unable to believe what they were hearing. After a few moments of gaping in silent disbelief, Harm finally managed to find his voice.
�Retiring? When? Why?�
�When? Two weeks from today,� he answered the first question calmly, but let out a little sigh as he responded to the second. �Why? It�s time.�
Harm shook his head, his mind refusing to wrap around what the Admiral
was saying. �I don�t understand.�
AJ took a deep breath, and then answered honestly, �I�m tired. I�m not comfortable with the things I have to do anymore. And I�m sure as hell not comfortable with who I�ve had to become to do them.� He kept his gaze focused on Harm as he continued, �These last few months � this last year � I�ve just been going through the motions. JAG deserves better than that. You deserve better than that. And frankly, so do I.�
�You�ve been thinking about this for awhile, then?� Harm asked, and AJ nodded in response.
�Yes. Ever since I brought it up last year,� he admitted, thinking back to Commander Lindsay�s report; the point he had singled out as the beginning of where things had begun to go so wrong. �Even though I decided against it, the seed was planted, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was the right thing to do.�
Harm nodded silently in understanding. He and AJ had spoken a few times about the events of the past year, and he had come to realize the toll it had all taken on him. He was also the only person who knew exactly what had happened between AJ and Meredith, how their fighting over Mac and her condition had led to Meredith straying into the arms of the visiting professor. Although the Admiral hadn�t said much, it had been pretty evident how much her betrayal had hurt him; he hadn�t been the same since. So if retiring and spending time with Francesca was what he needed to heal, then Harm couldn�t be anything less than supportive. �Then, I guess this is where I say congratulations,� he said, and AJ gave him a small but grateful smile.
�Thank you.� He finally looked away from Harm and focused his gaze on his Chief of Staff, the one whose reaction most concerned him. Her face was drained of color, and she was staring over his shoulder, her gaze unfocused. A little worried, he leaned forward in his seat. �Mac?�
Hearing AJ call her name jolted her out of her shock, and she looked at him, eyes wide with pain and confusion.
�I�� she started to speak, but couldn�t force the words out of a throat tight with unshed tears. As she felt herself beginning to lose control over her emotions, she quickly stood up. �Excuse me,� she managed to choke out before fleeing from the room.
AJ placed his hands on the arm of the chair and began to push himself up when Harm shook his head and motioned him back down.
�Give her a couple of minutes,� he said, knowing that she had run because she didn�t want the Admiral to see her cry; he wanted her to have a chance to compose herself before either of them went looking for her. AJ hesitated, his worry for her urging him to follow her, but in the end he accepted that Harm knew a lot better than he did what Mac needed right now. With a sigh, he released his grip on the chair and settled back down.
�I didn�t mean to upset her like that,� he apologized.
�It�s not your fault,� Harm reassured him. �It�s been hard for her to get back into the swing of things, and she�s having trouble coping with all of the changes coming; Harriet�s leaving, and now you.�
�Is that why she was upset this morning?� AJ asked. Harm looked at him sharply, so he explained, �I saw her face, and yours, when you went to congratulate Bud and Harriet. You both seemed a little upset.�
Harm stiffened; he hadn�t realized anyone had noticed them in all of the commotion. Not wanting to think about the reasons he and Mac were upset, he tried to brush off the Admiral�s question. �We�re going to miss Harriet.�
AJ shook his head; he wasn�t buying Harm�s explanation. There was something more going on, something that was putting that tension in Harm�s frame and that closed-off look in his eyes. AJ decided to call him on it. �That�s not all.�
Harm sighed, realizing that he wasn�t going to get out of this conversation without at least explaining the basics. �No. We, um, we found out towards the end of the treatments that the cancer will make it�risky to have kids.�
�How risky?� AJ asked, alarmed. He didn�t like to pry in his peoples� personal lives, and he didn�t need details, but he wanted to make sure that Mac was going to be okay.
�We don�t know, exactly,� Harm answered with a shrug, but it was obvious to AJ that he was pretty upset. �But it�s not looking good at this point. Especially considering Mac�s age, and the fact that even if we do decide to try, we have to wait until she hits the one-year mark on remission. Two would be better.�
�And Harriet�s pregnant again, with twins. No wonder she�s upset.� He was upset as well, with fate for never giving Harm and Mac a break; and with himself for adding to their turmoil. �Damn. My timing sure stinks.�
�It�s not your fault, sir,� Harm repeated. �We had to find out sooner or later. I appreciate you coming to tell us personally; you didn�t have to do that.�
�I think I did,� he argued, looking Harm directly in the eye. �I think I owed you both at least that much.�
Harm knew that AJ�s words were an apology for his part in everything that had happened last summer, so he answered sincerely, �It�s not going to be the same without you.�
�Probably be better,� AJ answered gruffly. Harm shook his head at the response, but he could tell that the older man knew what he was trying to say.
�I don�t think so,� he said softly, and then stood up, wanting to ease the discomfort the conversation had caused. He nodded his head towards the back of the house. �I should go check on Mac.�
�No,� AJ said, standing up as well and making his way out of the living room with Harm. �I�ll go.�
Nodding silently, he led AJ through the kitchen to the door leading to the back porch, and then stepped back into the kitchen to give them some privacy.
Through the screen door, AJ could see Mac sitting on the steps leading out into the backyard, her arms wrapped around her legs and her chin resting on her knees. Pausing for a moment, he just stood there and watched her in silence.
He had overheard Harm tell Mac once that she was his favorite, and Harm was right. He cared about all his people, they were his family, but there was a special place in his heart for Mac. There was just something about her-a strange mixture of strength and vulnerability, of competent Marine lawyer and insecure young woman. He couldn�t honestly say that she was like a daughter to him, but his feelings for her had evolved over the years into something that was more paternal than anything else. And although he made sure not to give her special treatment, or go easier on her than anyone else, he was forced to admit that if his officers were his family, Mac was his favorite child. Certainly his relationship with her was less contentious than his relationship with Harm.
He knew he held Rabb to a higher standard than any of his other officers. That was partly because he had been grooming the younger man to take over for him, and partly because Harm drove him up the wall with his antics, even as he was admiring him for his passion and sense of honor. And he imagined that was another reason Mac was his favorite; she was the only person with a chance in hell of reining Harm in and calming him down. Although, as the years passed, some of Harm�s recklessness seemed to rub off on her � the two of them combined had helped AJ keep aspirin manufacturers in the black for years now.
AJ was startled out of the contemplation of his relationships with his two most important officers by Mac�s soft voice floating on the cool evening breeze.
�I�m sorry, sir.�
AJ opened the screen door and stepped out onto the porch.
�How did you know it was me and not Harm?� he asked, more out of a need to get his bearings than a real curiosity.
Mac shrugged. �I always know when Harm�s around,� she said simply, and AJ nodded his head. He had long ago accepted that there was a bond between those two that went beyond his understanding, and he wasn�t about to start questioning it now.
He crossed the porch and sat down beside her on the step. Following her lead, he kept his gaze focused out on the trees as he said, �I�m sorry, Mac. I should have found a better way to tell you, but I didn�t think that it��
�That what?� she demanded hotly when he trailed off uncertainly, �That I�d care? Why would you think I wouldn�t care?�
He was a little surprised at the rancor in her tone, but didn�t call her on it. Instead he just said calmly, �After everything that�s happened this past year, I could understand why you wouldn�t.� He saw her turn to look at him out of the corner of his eye, and forced himself to meet her gaze head on. �We never really talked about it, did we?�
Her anger faded as fast as it had come. �Harm explained it to me,� she told him quietly, her words offering him absolution from his guilt, but he couldn�t accept it. It hadn�t been Harm�s responsibility, and they both knew it.
�I should have explained it, Mac. And I should have apologized.�
�You don�t have to-� Mac started to protest, but AJ cut her off before she could finish.
�Yes, I do,� he told her firmly. He turned his gaze back out to the trees with a nearly inaudible sigh. �Mac, I wish I could tell you why I made the choices I made, but I can�t. And I can�t make excuses. I let you down. I let both of you down, but you especially.� He shrugged helplessly as he looked at her again. �And I wish I had something better to say than I�m sorry, but I don�t.�
�I don�t need anything better,� Mac said, her voice soft with compassion and understanding, and she waited until she could see that AJ had accepted her words and her forgiveness. When he did, she asked seriously, �Are you sure this is what you want? You�re not falling on your sword for anyone, or something stupid like that again, are you?�
�Tell me what you really think, Colonel,� AJ answered dryly, and Mac blushed a little in embarrassment but didn�t back down. He smiled and patted her hand. �This is what I want, Mac. It�s time. It�s actually past time, but I wanted to wait and make sure you, to make sure everyone, got back on their feet again.�
Tears filled Mac�s eyes at his admission. �Thank you,� she whispered. She hesitated a moment, and then turned her palm over and wrapped her fingers around his hand as she told him shyly, �I�ll miss you.�
�I�ll miss you, too, Mac.� He squeezed her hand once before letting go. A little uncomfortable with the show of emotion, he forced himself to lighten things up. �But it�s not like you�re never going to see me again. I�ll be back here in October, and you can call if you need me before then, or if you just want to talk.� He heard the squeak of the back door, so he added a little louder, �Maybe I�ll even get a call that someone got his ass in gear and finally put a ring on your finger. The left one,� he added pointedly, raising his voice even further.
Mac laughed. �I think that was a hint, flyboy,� she called over her shoulder, grinning at Harm as he opened the door and stepped out onto the porch, rolling his eyes at her.
�You think?� he asked archly. �I couldn�t quite tell; it was pretty subtle.�
�I�m retiring,� AJ snorted, �I don�t have to be subtle anymore.�
Harm chuckled. �No, I guess not,� he conceded. Walking up to stand beside Mac, he said, �It�s starting to get a little chilly. Want to come inside � I warmed up the coffee.�
AJ shook his head regretfully. �Thanks, Harm, but I really need to get going. I have another meeting with SecNav in the morning,� he explained, forcing himself not to roll his eyes, �to finalize some things.�
Harm and Mac both nodded in understanding. Then Harm held out a hand to Mac, who took it and allowed him to pull her gently to her feet. AJ stood as well, and the three of them made their way back into the house.
When they reached the front door, AJ picked up his jacket and then turned around to say, �I�ll be making the official announcement at staff meeting tomorrow, but if you could not say anything �til then��
�Of course, sir,� they replied in unison, and AJ nodded and pulled open the door. Harm and Mac followed him out onto the front porch. Just as he started to make his way down the stairs, Mac stopped him with a gentle hand on his arm.
�Thank you for coming to tell us; we really appreciate it,� she said softly, and AJ nodded. �Drive carefully, sir.�
�I will,� he answered as he started down the stairs. �I�ll see you both in the morning.�
�Yes, sir. Good night.�
�Good night.�
AJ got into his car and, after a quick glance to make sure no one was coming, pulled out of the driveway and onto the road. As he slowly started to make his way down the street, he glanced back in his rearview mirror and caught one last glimpse of Harm and Mac. They were still standing on the porch, Harm�s arms wrapped around Mac�s waist and her head resting on his shoulder, watching as the last of light faded into the trees. He smiled at the sight, and a bit of the weight lifted itself off his shoulders. He knew that whatever happened, however many changes came their way, he didn�t have to worry about the two of them; they would deal with it together, and no doubt come out stronger in the end.
JAG Headquarters
Thursday, May 6, 2004
0930 EST
Admiral Chegwidden strode out of the elevator and into the JAG bullpen feeling better than he had in months. He�d just come from a meeting with the Secnav, where he�d turned in his formal letter of resignation. It was something he should have done a long time ago; he�d just been going through the motions for quite a while now. In fact, he had written up his resignation letter months ago, right after he and Meredith broke up, but had decided to wait to turn it in. As much as he wanted out, he didn�t feel like he could abandon his people when everything was so up in the air. He�d already done that once, and he was determined not to make the same mistake again. So he had watched them and waited. Waited for Turner to find his way back onto solid ground; waited for Bud and Harriet to adjust to the new baby, and the end of Harriet�s USO duties; waited for Coates to get comfortable with her new position and the responsibilities that went with it, and waited for Harm to readjust to life in the Navy. But most of all, he waited for Mac.
Rabb/Mackenzie residence
1835 EST
�So are we all set for Sunday?� Mac asked, pulling the last of the glasses out of the soapy water and scrubbing it with her sponge.