The Next Conflicting Phase
Part Twenty-Seven
Six weeks and thirty painful sessions later, Mac was done with radiation treatments. It wasn�t a moment too soon. The side effects of the radiation, the stiffness, the fatigue, the burns, had gotten so bad that the doctors had begun seriously discussing postponing the rest of the treatments. In the end, Mac had to go to Joe and virtually beg to be allowed to finish on schedule, and she knew that the only reason she succeeded was because Harm had been there to back her up. He knew that as painful as the radiation might be, stopping at that point would be far more detrimental to her health; she just couldn�t handle another setback at that point. And he had managed, after an impassioned speech that put most of his closing arguments to shame, to convince Joe and the other doctors that he was right.
So Mac had pushed through to the end under the watchful eyes of what seemed like the entire hospital staff, and was now sitting wearily in Joe�s office waiting for him to finish going over her tests so he could tell her when she�d be back at work.
�Four weeks,� Joe stated bluntly, closing her file and dropping it onto his desk.
�What?!� Mac looked at him in dismayed disbelief. �Joe!�
�Four weeks, Mac. No less.� He fixed her with a stern glare. �And before you start protesting, let me tell you this is non-negotiable.� His voice softened a little, but Mac could still hear the hint of steel in it that told her arguing would be fruitless. �Mac, I let you finish treatments against my better judgment, because you swore that you could handle it.�
�And I did handle it,� she shot back indignantly.
�Barely,� Joe countered. �You�re badly burned, Mac. You�ve got swelling from fluid build-up, you�ve lost weight, your shoulder�s so stiff that I doubt you could lift your arm up to scratch your nose at this point, and the circles under your eyes are so dark you look like you got punched in the face.�
�It�s not that bad,� Mac protested sullenly as she forced herself to sit up straighter, only to let out a hiss of pain when she jostled her shoulder against the back of the chair. �Fine,� she conceded reluctantly, �so I�m a little beaten up right now. But I don�t need four weeks to recover, Joe.�
�Well, I say you do. And as your doctor, what I say goes.� When Mac just glared mutinously at him, he sighed heavily. Pushing out of his chair, he stood and stepped around his desk. Taking the seat next to her, he gently picked up one of Mac�s hands.
�Mac, right now your body is so worn out and your immune system so weak that you don�t have the ability to fight off any kind of virus or infection; and you can�t afford to get sick. You need time to get yourself back to normal, and you�re going to take it whether you like it or not.� His gaze sharpened as he added, �And if you try to push yourself, I�m just going to keep tacking weeks onto your sentence.�
�What about JAG?� Mac protested weakly. �I can�t leave them shorthanded for another month. They�re already overworked because of me.�
Joe shrugged, sympathetic but immovable. �I�m sorry, Mac. I really am, but I can�t let you go back to work until the four weeks is up.� He paused a moment, and then added reluctantly, �However, if you follow doctor�s orders and show some significant improvement by the time you come back in two weeks for your next appointment, then I will consider letting you do some work from home. Okay?�
It was a small concession, but Mac knew it was the only one she�d get, so she had no choice but to take it. �Fine,� she responded tersely. She pushed herself out of the chair. �Are we done?�
Joe sighed, but didn�t try and talk Mac out of her snit. This wasn�t the first time a patient had been pissed at a decision he�d made, and he was sure it wouldn�t be the last. It still felt lousy, but he wasn�t going to risk Mac�s health just so she wouldn�t be mad at him anymore.
�Yeah, we�re done. Make an appointment with the ensign on your way out. Is someone picking you up?�
�Harm�s meeting me downstairs,� Mac answered as she leaned down to pick up her purse.
�Okay,� Joe nodded as he stood up and walked over to open the door for her. As she moved passed him, he placed a gentle hand on her arm. �Mac? I know it�s not what you want to hear, but I really am doing what�s best for you.�
Mac sighed, unable to hold onto her anger in the face of his concern. Especially since it wasn�t Joe she was really mad at; it was the situation. She lifted her gaze to meet his. �I know, and I appreciate that, Joe. I really do.� Then she shrugged and gave him a wan half-smile. �But that doesn�t mean I�m happy about it.�
He smiled in understanding. �I know,� he assured her, releasing her arm and holding the door open a little wider. �I�ll see you in two weeks.�
Mac just nodded silently as she stepped out of the office. After a quick stop to make her next appointment, she headed downstairs and outside, desperate for a little fresh air and some time to compose herself. However, no sooner had she stepped out into the bright noonday sun than she saw Harm walking towards the entrance, his long strides eating up the short distance between them.
�Hey, Marine,� he said with a grin as he stepped up alongside her. �Ready to blow this place?�
�Yeah,� she answered quietly, trying and failing to return his smile with one of her own. Harm noticed immediately, of course, and his face took on a worried expression.
�Mac? What�s wrong?� he asked urgently, grabbing hold of her arm. �What happened? Did they find something else?�
�What?� she asked, looking up in confusion. Then she realized what he was asking, and she quickly reassured him. �No. Harm, no. It�s nothing like that. I�m fine.�
The band of fear around his heart loosened, and he took a long deep breath before looking down at her with a concerned frown. �Then why do you look like you�re about to cry?�
She let out a brittle laugh. �Because I�m stupid,� she told him bitterly, and Harm�s frown deepened when a few angry tears spilled down her cheeks. Swiping at them with one hand, she looked out over the parking lot and explained quietly, �The last couple of weeks, I kept telling myself that if I just kept going, just for a little longer, then it would all be over. The treatments would be done and I could finally go back to my normal life.�
Harm began to understand what the problem was, and he stepped up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. �But it�s not that simple?� he asked gently.
Mac snorted derisively. �Not hardly.� She looked over her shoulder at him. �Joe�s keeping me on medical leave. I can�t go back to work for at least a month.�
Harm nodded. �Okay,� he said simply, and Mac stared at him disbelievingly. She turned around in his arms and glared.
�Okay? That�s all you have to say?�
�What do you want me to say, Mac?� he asked, a little defensively. �I�m sorry, but I agree with him.�
Mac opened her mouth, ready to attack, and then realized how little that would accomplish. Shoulders slumping in defeat, she said with a sigh, �I guess I knew you were going to say that.� She leaned her head against his chest, taking a little comfort in the soothing hand stroking her hair. �You know what really sucks?�
�That deep down, as much as you hate to admit it, you agree with him, too?� Harm suggested, fighting back a grin when Mac once again looked up to glare at him.
�It�s really annoying sometimes how well you know me,� she told him exasperatedly, but the small smile tugging at her mouth gave away her true feelings. The smile faded as she admitted quietly, �I feel guilty, you know.�
�What?� he exclaimed, �Why?�
�Because we were shorthanded at JAG before I went on leave. Now�� she trailed off as Harm slipped a hand under chin and lifted her face to his.
�We�re handling it okay,� he reassured her seriously, and she nodded.
�I know. But you shouldn�t have to. I should be there to help.�
She hesitated, and Harm had the feeling there was something more she wasn�t saying. After a minute, he prodded gently, �But?�
�Honestly?� she asked. When he nodded, she said, �I can�t imagine going back to work at this point. Just the thought of putting on my uniform and stepping back into the courtroom seems�wrong, somehow.�
�I think that�s normal after everything you�ve been through,� he assured her calmly, ignoring the little stab of fear he felt as the thought of Mac never returning to JAG flitted through his mind. �It�s going to take you awhile to get back into the swing of things.�
�What if I can�t?� she asked, her voice full of apprehension. �What if four weeks is too long, and I can�t get back into the swing of things? What happens then?�
Harm just shook his head. �That�s not going to happen, Mac,� he told her firmly. �Look at Bud; he was gone for months after the accident. And when he finally came back, it was hard for him, but he eventually readjusted to being there. You will, too.�
Mac nodded. She wasn�t nearly as confident as he was that things would return to normal, but she was too tired to talk about it further. �Can we go home now? I�m tired, and I�m feeling a massive headache about to strike.�
�Sure. You want to stop and get some food on the way home?� he suggested, but Mac quickly shook her head.
�Not hungry. I just want to rest.�
He wasn�t too happy with her answer, but he didn�t want to push her. �Okay. I�ll make you something that you can eat after you�re rested up,� he offered with a smile. �How�s that?�
�Good.� They slipped into the car. Mac was so tired that she was almost snoring by the time they left the parking lot, but as he pulled out onto the street, she stirred long enough to turn her head towards Harm and murmur softly, �I love you.�
He reached out and squeezed her hand gently. �I love you, too.�
�It�s good to be home,� she said, flipping on the lights as Harm followed her in, tossing his keys on the table. Stepping up behind her, he helped her out of her coat, hanging it up before shrugging out of his own. Once he�d placed it next to hers, he reached out and pulled her into his arms, careful not to hold her too tightly.
�You doing okay?� he asked gently. They had just returned from a dinner celebrating Jennifer Coates promotion, and Harm was a little worried that she�d overdone it. After three days of doing little more than sleeping and sitting in front of the television, Mac was starting to feel better, but she was still wasn�t anywhere near a hundred percent.
She nodded, resting her head on his shoulder. �Just tired,� she reassured him. �But it was nice spending time with everyone again.�
�Was it?� She looked up in confusion at the disbelief in his tone, and he explained, �You were pretty quiet tonight. And I know you were worried about feeling uncomfortable after being away for so long.�
She shrugged. �I was a little uncomfortable at first,� she admitted. �Except for Sturgis, no one had really seen me the last couple weeks of treatment. I know I�m not exactly looking like a beauty queen right now.�
�You look beautiful to me,� he told her, his voice soft with sincerity, and she lifted her head up and kissed him gently.
�That�s sweet,� she told him as she pulled away. Then she grinned. �But you�re completely biased, so it doesn�t count.� She laughed when he rolled his eyes at her, before placating him with another, deeper kiss. Once they came up for air, she leaned up and looked at him solemnly.
�Seriously, Harm. I know I look like death warmed over,� she said bluntly. �And it was a little unnerving the way everyone was staring at me in the beginning; I guess because it kind of reminded me of last summer. But then once the food came and we got to talking, it was fine.�
He gave her a penetrating look. �Then why were you still so quiet?�
�I don�t know,� she answered. �Didn�t have much to say, I guess. I couldn�t really contribute to work talk, and my life hasn�t exactly been a hotbed of activity lately.� She rolled her eyes self-deprecatingly. �Somehow I don�t think everyone wanted to hear about the latest episode of �Desperate Housewives�.�
�Thank God,� Harm muttered under his breath. He couldn�t understand why Mac watched that ridiculous show. Especially since she spent most of her time making fun of all the male characters � particularly that Rex guy. Of course, the guy was a jerk, and he deserved to be made fun of, and the fact that he was thinking about it this much was starting to disturb him, so he quickly shook his head and tried to get back on subject.
�You could have talked about your photography class,� he suggested.
Mac shrugged. �Not much to say at this point, other than �I enrolled in a photography class at the community college.��
�Are you sure that�s it? Or are you still embarrassed to talk about what fabulous pictures you take?� he challenged. She blushed at his flattery, but shook her head in response.
�No, I�m not embarrassed,� she insisted. �Not exactly.�
She frowned as she tried to explain her hesitance in talking about that particular subject. �I just�I guess I�ve just gotten used to not talking about stuff like that; it�s hard to change that.� She looked up at him, her eyebrow arched in silent challenge. �Besides, I didn�t hear you talking up a storm, either. Half the time it was like you were off in another world. What gives?�
�Nothing,� he answered with a shrug. He could see she wasn�t content with his answer, so he said, �I was just thinking about those stupid fortune cookies. Trying to imagine what things would be like if we�d made different choices along the way.�
Her eyebrow climbed higher. �And did you like the way things were in that alternate world?�
�Some of the things,� he conceded, and then reached up with one hand and tweaked her nose. �But not as much as I like the things I have in this one.�
�I�m glad to hear it,� she answered as she rolled her eyes and playfully swatted his hand away. Then she smiled. �I feel the same way, you know.�
He flashed that signature grin at her as he answered cockily, �I know.�
Mac shook her head in resignation. �And on that note, I�m going to bed before your head swells up so big, it explodes, and I have to clean it up.� She slipped out of his arms and moved to the stairs. When she reached the bottom step, she realized he wasn�t following, and turned and looked over her shoulder. �Are you coming?�
�You think I could sleep now with that lovely image running through my head?� he answered laughingly. Then he looked unhappily at the door to the den. �Besides, I�ve got some work left to do on my closing arguments for tomorrow.�
She nodded; she knew he�d been having a hard time with his latest case, although she wasn�t sure why. It wasn�t a particularly difficult one, but she figured that he was probably almost as worn down as she was, so she didn�t worry too much. She just gave him a smile and said, �Don�t stay up too late.�
�I won�t,� he assured her. �Love you.�
�Love you, too. Night,� she answered, before turning and heading upstairs.
�Night.� Harm waited until she moved out of his line of sight, and then turned and headed for the office. Sitting down at his desk, he thought for a moment about the life he�d dreamt about in the restaurant. He wasn�t lying to Mac; he wouldn�t give up the things he had now for anything. But he couldn�t say he didn�t have regrets. Maybe he was right and things wouldn�t have worked five years ago. But there was a small chance he was wrong, and that was what haunted him. Because if they had worked out, then they would have had a chance to fulfill the deal they�d made the day little AJ was born; a deal that was now in danger of never coming to fruition.
At the start of the last week of treatment, after she�d been assured she�d be allowed to finish up, she had asked the doctors about the possibility of getting pregnant, and the answer hadn�t been encouraging. It was absolutely out of the question until she�d passed the one-year mark for remission, and even then it wasn�t recommended. There hadn�t been many studies done on women getting pregnant after breast cancer, but the few there�d been didn�t ease their minds. The problem seemed to stem from all the hormonal changes a woman went through when she got pregnant, and how that could stimulate the production of more cancer cells. Although not all the doctors agreed, the consensus seemed to be that having a baby was just too risky.
Mac hadn�t been happy to hear that, and had seemed determined to brush off the doctor�s advice, which had infuriated Harm. He�d accused her of being selfish, but she�d argued that since none of the doctors seemed to have any concrete answers, she wasn�t going to dismiss the possibility of having a baby somewhere down the line. They�d ended up having a huge argument about it that lasted the better part of two days, and would probably have lasted longer if his mother hadn�t called when she did. She immediately sensed that something was wrong, and had badgered them both until they told her what it was. Once she had heard both sides of the story, she had gotten them on the phone together and ordered them in no uncertain terms to grow up and deal with the problem like adults. So they�d sat down and talked about it; Mac had explained her desire to create new life, to leave a part of them and their love behind to live on after they�d gone. And Harm had admitted that his fear of losing her was still so overwhelming that he wanted to keep her from doing anything that had the remotest possibility of taking her away from him. In the end, they�d decided that they couldn�t make a decision until Mac�s one year anniversary, so they�d tabled the discussion, with both promising to keep an open mind until then.
Harm sighed; since they still had a year before they could even consider the possibility of Mac getting pregnant and his feelings hadn�t changed at this point, there was no use dwelling on it now. Shaking his head, he grabbed a pen and a legal pad and forced himself to start working.
Three hours later, he was still at his desk, and he hadn�t gotten any further than he had when he first sat down. He just couldn�t figure out what he wanted to say, and it was frustrating him to no end. It wasn�t a hard case, but for some reason, he couldn�t get a handle on it. And that was not a good thing, since closing arguments were tomorrow. Today, he corrected himself, looking at the clock and seeing that it was already past midnight.
�Damn,� Harm swore softly, throwing his pen down onto his desk. Tearing the sheet of paper he�d been writing on, he tossed it at the rapidly filling wastebasket. When he missed, he shook his head and rubbed a weary hand over his face with a sigh. �Why the hell is this so difficult?�
He thought about getting a cup of coffee to help wake him up enough to think straight; but then he�d never get any sleep at all. He�d just have to push through his fatigue long enough to come up with something halfway decent so he didn�t blow his own case.
Harm was just reaching out for his pen again when Mac�s terrified scream shattered the silence. Shoving his chair back, he leapt up and tore up the stairs two and three at a time.
Bursting into the room, he looked immediately to the chair next to the bed where Mac was still spending her nights. She wasn�t there, so his eyes darted over the empty bed and around the room in search of her.
He finally found her huddled in the corner of the room behind the half-open closet door, trembling and breathing heavily. His heart sank as he realized what was happening; he had hoped that she had gotten past this for good.
Inching his way cautiously forward, he called out to her softly. �Mac,� he whispered, swearing silently when she flinched and tried to pull back further into the shadows. �Mac, honey, it�s okay. It�s just me. It�s just me, sweetie. You�re okay. You�re safe, Mac. Nothing�s going to hurt you. You�re safe.�
The haze of the nightmare began to fade, and she looked up at him with wide, fearful eyes. �Harm?� she asked, her voice trembling. He smiled reassuringly at her.
�Yeah, honey; it�s me.�
With a strangled cry, Mac launched herself into his arms. �Shh,� he murmured quietly, gathering her in his arms. She flinched in pain when he came into contact with her still sore left side, so he gently rearranged her tense form until she was settled comfortably on his lap.
They sat there for a few minutes, with Harm rocking Mac gently and stroking her hair, until she calmed down enough for him to ask, �You okay?� Mac nodded silently. �Paraguay?�
�Mm hmm,� she said with a sniffle, before adding plaintively, �I thought those nightmares were over. I hadn�t had one in so long.�
�Why do you think you had one now?� he questioned, rubbing a soothing hand up and down her back.
Mac shook her head and said helplessly, �I don�t know.�
�Maybe because of dinner?� he suggested, thinking back to the conversation they�d had before she�d come upstairs. �You said that being there reminded you of last summer. Maybe that triggered it.�
�Maybe,� she conceded. �But that�s not the first time since this started that I�ve felt like I did that summer; like everyone was watching me all the time. And I didn�t have any then. I would have expected them then. So why now?�
�Maybe because you expected them then,� he responded. �After surgery and during the treatments, you knew what to expect. You were prepared to fight through anything, so you could guard yourself against it. But now there�s nothing left to fight through, and that�s leaving you confused and frustrated. And afraid.�
As he�d expected, that got Mac�s back up and she protested angrily, �I�m not afraid.�
�I am,� he told her, stunning her into silence. She looked up at him, her eyes full of confusion and concern. �You aren�t the only one who thought it would be over once the treatments ended � I did, too. I figured that you�d go in and see Joe, and he�d tell you everything went fine and clear you to come back to work. I wasn�t thinking about it consciously, necessarily, but in the back of my mind I expected to be driving to work with you by now.� He gave a little shrug. �I guess I thought somehow that it would be like turning on a light; one flip of a switch and everything would be back to normal. And when that didn�t happen, it threw me.�
�Me, too,� she admitted quietly. Staring down at her hands, she said, �You know, despite my protesting, I didn�t really want to go back to work right away. I�m still so damn worn out that just the thought of spending a whole day in uniform makes me want to crawl under the bed and hide. I just wanted things back the way they were before I got cancer. But every day I realize more and more that�s never going to happen. I don�t know how to deal with it,� she confessed. �And I guess that does scare me.�
�Me, too,� he repeated her earlier response. �So what do we do about it?�
She sighed. �I don�t know. Just keep moving forward, I guess, and hope that things even out eventually.� She looked up at him and added, �It probably wouldn�t be a bad idea to talk to Chaplain Turner, either.�
�Yeah,� he agreed. He slipped one of his hands into Mac�s and squeezed tightly. �Mac, whatever happens from here on out, we�ll deal with it together. You know that, right?�
�I do,� she answered, leaning up to press a kiss to his cheek before adding a little sheepishly, �I still might need the occasional reminder, though.�
�Me, too.� Harm smiled and leaned down to capture her lips with his, pouring all of his love and reassurance into that kiss, and getting the same thing in return.
When they finally pulled apart, he looked down and said hopefully, �I don�t suppose there�s any chance I can get you to lie back down and try and go back to sleep?� Mac raised an eyebrow in disbelief, and Harm chuckled softly. �Didn�t think so. In that case, want to come downstairs and help me with my closing?�
�Sure,� she told him with an impudent grin. �I can�t think of a better sleep aid than that.�
�Funny, marine,� he said sarcastically, glaring at her.
�I thought so,� she responded, unrepentant. Slipping out of his arms, she stood and then reached a hand out to help him up. �Come on, flyboy. I�ll make us some tea and then you can dazzle me with your courtroom genius.�
�Well, I don�t know if I�d go as far as genius,� Harm said with an impressive display of false modesty.
A mischievous twinkle appeared in Mac�s eyes. �Idiot savant?� she suggested innocently, and giggled at the scowl that crossed his face.
�You know what, Mackenzie?� Harm took a menacing step towards her, and she quickly backed towards the door. �You�re going down.�
Far from intimidated, Mac just stuck her tongue out at him before darting out the door and down the stairs, with Harm and the echo of her delighted laughter trailing behind her.
Bethesda Naval Hospital
March 15, 2004
1135 EST
It was finally over.
Rabb/Mackenzie residence
March 18, 2004
2120 EST
Mac sighed with relief as she stepped into the house.