The Next Conflicting Phase
Part Twenty-Two
Harm sighed, and began to gently slide her arm off of him. His only consolation was in knowing that the energy boost she would get from this nap would benefit him greatly when it came time to go to bed tonight. He had no doubt that Mac would be able to wear him out enough to get a very good night�s sleep. Pushing that thought to the back of his mind before it tested his willpower too greatly; he slid out of bed and reached down for his boxers.
He tried to be as quiet as possible as he slipped his clothes back on and started to head downstairs to check in with the Secnav, but just as he reached the door, Mac stirred.
�Harm?� she murmured sleepily, causing him to turn and stride back to the bed. �Whassamatter?�
She shifted her body in preparation for sitting up, but Harm quickly reached down and pressed her back onto the bed. Thinking quickly, he grabbed his pillow and placed it into her arms, knowing that the warmth and scent of him would comfort her and hopefully send her back to sleep.
�Shh,� he whispered as he ran a soothing hand down her arm, �Nothing�s wrong. I just have to check in on the case.�
�Want me to come with?� she asked him, even as her eyes began to droop shut again. Harm just smiled and shook his head.
�Nope. I want you to rest.� He brushed a stray lock of hair off her face, and then reached down and softly kissed her forehead. �Go back to sleep, Mac.�
��Kay.� And with that, she curled herself around his pillow and fell back asleep. Harm knew that he needed to get up and get to work, but he couldn�t seem to pull himself away from Mac. She looked so peaceful lying there, with her hand tucked under her chin and that stray hair falling back across her cheek, peaceful and young and innocent.
His thoughts darkened. She had been young and innocent once, until that drunken bastard put his hands on her and made her feel dirty and ashamed. Clenching his fists so tightly he felt like his knuckles were going to burst through the skin, he pictured himself hunting the man down and dealing with him like the animal that he was. Harm felt a stab of vicious pleasure run through him at the thought of just how he would make sure that man never had any reason to touch another woman ever again.
Before his vengeance-fueled fantasies could go any further, Harm heard the front door open and knew that Trish had finally returned from her afternoon excursion. Not wanting her to see the dark paths his mind had taken, he forced himself to take a few deep, calming breaths until the worst of his anger faded. When he felt that he had himself under control again, he grabbed a t-shirt and threw it on and then headed downstairs to greet his mother.
After a ten-minute detour to the den to check in with the Secnav and getting assurances from Commander Gracen that everything was under control, he set out in search of his mother. He finally found her in the kitchen, cutting up vegetables for a salad. She was singing softly to herself as she worked, and her sweet voice drew him back to the times of his childhood, when she had sung him back to sleep after a bad dream; he hadn�t realized until just this moment how much he had missed that sound. Their mutual love of music was one of the only things that they could share with each other; until now, that is. Now, in addition to their mutual love of music, they had their mutual love of a certain Marine asleep upstairs to bond over.
When he made that last-minute, panicked phone call to Trish last week, Harm had no idea what he was getting them all into. After all, his mother and Mac had only met once, and he could count on one hand the number of phone conversations that they�d had; who knew if they would enjoy spending weeks on end with each other? He�d hoped they would; hoped they would find common ground with each other and use it to build some kind of relationship. But never in his wildest dreams did he think that they would bond so quickly and so completely; not when considering Mac�s history with her own mother and the walls she had built up as a result. But to his shock, and overwhelming delight, his mother had simply stepped through those walls like they were made of clouds and embraced Mac as her own; and Mac had let her. Despite all the instincts that were surely telling her not to, Mac had let Trish in, and had revealed her most painful secret.
She must have been so scared, he thought, so scared that his mother would reject her once she knew about Mac�s past. He couldn�t imagine how much it would have hurt her if Trish had thought less of her because of what happened to her, or how she reacted as a result. Mac already thought of Trish as a mother, and it would have been devastating to be rejected by another mother. But that never would have happened, because Trish Burnett was nothing like Deanne Mackenzie. She had embraced Mac as a daughter, and she wouldn�t abandon her anymore than she would abandon her son. Mac would never have to worry about being left behind again, not by Trish or Harm.
A wave of love and gratitude swept over him as he looked at the woman who had dropped everything and flown across country to ease her son�s worries. The woman who had opened her heart to the woman he loved and accepted her as her own. Striding quickly across the room, he stepped up behind her and wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tightly.
�Thanks,� he whispered, pressing a kiss to her cheek before letting her go.
�What�s that for?� she asked with a broad smile, turning around to face him. One look at his face, and her smile immediately fell away. �You and Sarah talked.�
Harm nodded. �Is she okay?�
�Yeah,� he told her, his voice subdued, �she�s sleeping right now.�
Trish saw the fatigue in his eyes, and the pain, and her heart ached for him. She reached a hand up and gently cupped his cheek. �Are you okay?� she asked gently.
�Yeah,� he responded automatically, and Trish�s eyebrows rose in disbelief. She gave him her standard �try again� look, and he admitted, �It�s just�How could someone do that to her? And why didn�t anyone stop him? Why didn�t anyone see?�
Trish sighed. �I�ve been asking myself that same thing for over a week, but I just don�t know, Harm,� she said helplessly. �I don�t know why she had to go through what she went through; why she had to go through any of it. Any more than I know why��
Her voice trailed off, and Harm frowned in confusion. �Any more than you know why what, Mom? Mom?� he repeated when she didn�t answer. Trish sighed again and moved to sit down at the table. Harm followed, taking the seat next to her. They sat in silence for a minute, and then, just when Harm was about to ask again, Trish started to speak.
�I�ve been thinking about it a lot the last week; what Sarah went through during her childhood. And the more I thought about it, the angrier I got,� she told her son, feeling that anger rising in her even as she spoke. �At all of them, all of those cruel and heartless people who hurt her and took advantage of her. But most of all at that woman who tried to call herself a mother.�
Harm looked down and was startled to see Trish�s hands shaking with rage. �Mom,� he started to try and comfort her, but she cut him off.
�I thought about hiring someone to find her, you know,� she confessed to him. �A private investigator, to track her down so that I could talk to her face to face. Ask her what kind of mother she was; that she would leave her only child with that man. Ask her how she could even think of abandoning Sarah like that.�
Harm nodded in understanding; he�d felt that way quite a few times over the years. �Why didn�t you?� he asked, curious to know what had stopped her.
Trish looked down at her hands, unable to look her son in the eye. �Because when I thought about it, I realized I wasn�t in any position to judge. Not when I�d done practically the same thing to you.�
�What?!� Harm exclaimed in astonishment. �Mom, how can you say that? You�re nothing like her!�
�Aren�t I?� she asked sadly, finally lifting her gaze to his. �Can you honestly say that you didn�t feel like I abandoned you when I married Frank?�
Harm shook his head. �That�s completely different,� he protested, ignoring the small voice in his head reminding him that was exactly what he�d felt like. �You were just trying to move on. You had the right to go on with your life, Mom.�
�But not the right to leave you behind.�
�You didn�t-�
�Harm,� Trish cut him off before he could reassure her, �part of being an adult, a parent in particular, is acknowledging your mistakes. I don�t regret marrying Frank,� she insisted, wanting him to understand what she was trying to say, �But I do regret what it did to you. To us. The distance it caused; the hurt.�
Now Harm was the one to drop his gaze. He couldn�t deny what she was saying; Frank�s entrance into their life had driven a wedge between them. Harm had felt like she was betraying his father by moving on, but he had also bitterly resented Frank�s intrusion of what he felt was his territory. For all those years after his father went MIA, he had tried to be the man of the house and take care of his mother, and hated Frank for supplanting him. Trish had tried to explain things to him, but from his child�s view, he felt like had failed her. Still, it wasn�t her fault that he couldn�t accept Frank�s place in their lives.
�You tried to make it work, mom. I didn�t make it easy for you,� he admitted ashamedly.
Trish reached out and grabbed hold of his hand, squeezing tightly. �You weren�t supposed to. It wasn�t your job to make it easy for me, Harm,� she explained gently, lifting his chin to meet her gaze. �You were a child; it wasn�t up to you to make things work. That was my job. And I failed.�
She sighed and looked down at her son�s hand. It was so large, so strong and secure, yet she still saw in it the little boy�s hand that had clung so tightly to hers, trusting her to keep him safe and make things right again. Something she hadn�t been able to do, no matter how much she had wanted to. �There were so many things I could have done differently. I could have been more honest from the beginning; told you that the chances of your father coming home were slim. I could�ve found someone for you to talk to, a professional who could have helped you deal with things, but that just wasn�t done back then.�
�But most of all, I should have made you understand that just because I was marrying Frank didn�t mean I had stopped loving your father; because I never did. I should have told you about that last tape, but the truth was I didn�t want to talk about it; it hurt too much.� She stared at him intently, willing him to hear the truth in her words. She had loved Harm Sr. more than she ever thought was possible, and there had been times after he was gone that she didn�t think she�d survive without him. For so long, her son was the only thing that kept her going; and then Frank had come. He had showed her that surviving wasn�t enough, that she had to move on, for her own sake and for her son�s.
�I just wanted to move forward, to stop hurting,� she explained, �and I tried to drag you along with me when you weren�t ready. I�m so sorry for that, Harm. I�m sorry I handled it all so badly.�
Harm watched as his mother struggled against the tears that had sprung into her eyes, and his heart ached for her. She was right; he hadn�t been ready to move on, and it had hurt that she had. He had felt left behind in a way, but that wasn�t her fault. Even then, he could see that she was trying to include him in her new life; he just wouldn�t accept it. And despite what she said about being the grown-up, he had been old enough when Frank entered their lives to accept some of the responsibility for the distance that had grown between them.
�You did the best you could, mom,� he reassured her. �You tried your best to make sure I was okay. I know it scared you, even hurt you that I wanted to join the Navy. Follow in dad�s footsteps. But you never tried to stop me, never tried to hold me back. You always supported me, mom, and that means more than you know.�
�I could have done better,� she insisted obstinately and he rolled his eyes; he bet after a week with his mother, Mac no longer wondered where his stubbornness came from. He shrugged at Trish and gave her a little half-smile.
�Maybe,� he conceded, �But you could have done a hell of a lot worse.�
�I�ve been doing a lot of thinking lately myself,� Harm continued, and his eyes drifted upwards to the spot where he knew Mac was still sleeping. �All of these years, whenever I thought of dad, it was always about what I had lost, everything I was missing out on. I never thought about what you were going through.�
�And then Mac got sick.� Harm�s voice cracked a little at those words, still so hard for him to say. �And even though the tests looked promising and we tried to stay positive, I still couldn�t help thinking about what I would do if the worst happened and she d-�
He shook his head as he trailed off, unable to even say the word. �I don�t know what I would have done, Mom. I tried to picture it, but I can�t do it. I just can�t imagine a life for myself without Mac in it. I don�t think I could have one.�
�You won�t have to,� Trish interjected gently, reaching out to cover his free hand with her own. �Mac�s going to be fine.�
Harm nodded wordlessly. �I hope you�re right,� he said, his voice hoarse with unshed tears, �but I guess the point I�m trying to make is that I understand now. All that time growing up, I never understood how hard it was for you, how strong you had to be just to survive each day without him. I don�t know if I could be that strong.�
Sliding his hands out from under hers, he scooted his chair right up to hers and took her gently into his arms. �You�re a great mother; and I�m sorry if I ever made you doubt that. I don�t know what I would�ve done without you.� He laid his head on her shoulder like he had as a child and whispered, �Thank you, Mom. Thank you for being that strong. I love you.�
�I love you, too.� Trish wrapped her arms around her son and pressed her face into his hair, unable to stop the tears that slid down her face. She was so grateful that he understood; that he had forgiven her for the mistakes she had made with him, and for the trust he had placed in her by asking her to come here and look after the most precious thing in his life. More than that, she was grateful that Harm had been given the opportunity to know the kind of love that she�d shared with his father, and she prayed that he would never have to live without that love again.
Mother and son sat like that for an untold moment, until they were startled out of their embrace by a bright flash coming from the kitchen doorway. Looking up, they turned just in time to see Mac lower her camera and step hesitantly in the room.
�Sorry,� she smiled sheepishly at them, tugging nervously at the hem of her blouse, �but I just couldn�t resist.�
When they just smiled and motioned her into the room, she breathed a soft sigh of relief. She really hadn�t meant to interrupt them, but when she had seen them sitting together like that, she couldn�t help but think of what a beautiful picture it would make. She was glad neither one of them seemed to mind the intrusion.
Moving into the kitchen, she set the camera down onto the table and moved to take the seat next to Harm, but the minute she got within range, he wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her down onto his lap. Blushing furiously at the display of intimacy in front of Trish, she tried to squirm out of his grasp, but he held tightly to her. He knew that she used to get embarrassed by the open displays of affection Mic used to show her constantly, and he respected that. He wasn�t a big fan of PDA�s himself, so he tried to be very conscious of her boundaries when they were in public. But when it was just the two of them, around their family and friends, he didn�t want to have to hide how he felt about her.
Looking for a distraction, Harm slid an arm up and plucked the camera off the table. She tried to pull it back, but he stretched his arm off to the side so that she couldn�t reach it. Taking a closer look at the camera, he recognized it as the one she had practically drooled over in the store when they were out Christmas shopping. He had wanted to buy it for her, but she had categorically refused, telling him that a professional grade camera was too extravagant a purchase. He looked down at her, his brows arched questioningly.
�Isn�t this the camera that we saw in the store?� he asked. �The one that you loved but wouldn�t let me buy because it was too �extravagant�? The one that, when I said I would buy it for you anyway, would have caused me to spend the next year sleeping on the couch?�
�I never said that,� she protested defensively. Her mouth turned upward in just the barest hint of a smirk. �I said a month. And you had already bought me presents, and-� she broke off with a sigh when he just continued staring at her challengingly, finally throwing her hands up in defeat.
�Have you ever tried to say no to her?� she asked plaintively, pointing an accusing finger over at his mother. Trish just laughed. �Because I spent the better part of an hour trying to talk her out of buying it, and it didn�t do a damn bit of good.�
�She really did,� Trish confirmed to Harm, still chuckling softly. �When I saw the picture of the house in your office, and she said she had to borrow a camera to take it, I convinced her that she needed a quality camera of her own.�
�More like badgered,� Mac muttered mutinously, crossing her arms over her chest when Harm tried to hand the camera back to her. Unperturbed, he just grinned at her display of temper and set the camera on the table in front of her.
�I told you the picture was great,� he said smugly, poking her in the side. �And mom agrees with me. And she�s a professional.�
Mac cursed silently when she felt the blush rising up her face. �You�re both biased,� she protested weakly.
�I most certainly am not,� Trish said firmly. �That picture was better than half of what I see being put out by �professionals�. You have a great deal of talent with a camera, young lady, and if you don�t believe me, we can take it and have an unbiased professional look at it. They�ll tell you the same thing.�
Mac immediately tensed at the suggestion, and although he couldn�t see her face, he was sure her expression was bordering on panicked. He decided that now would be a good time for him and Trish to ease off.
�All right, mom. I think we�ve picked on Mac enough,� he told her. Trish looked for a moment like she might press the point, but he gave her a quick shake of his head to discourage her, and she backed down. Before things could get awkward, Harm decided to lighten the mood a little, and said with a lightly teasing tone, �Besides, we have more important things to discuss.�
Two heads turned to look at him in curiosity. �We do?�
�We do.� Harm gave his mother his biggest wounded puppy look. �We need to discuss why it is that Mac gets to be spoiled rotten, while I, your own flesh and blood, am overlooked.�
Trish stared at him incredulously for a moment, wondering if her Harm hadn�t been replaced by a pod person. Harm hated it when she, or Mac, tried to spend money on him; he always told them that the best gift they could give him was to get something nice for themselves. He must be really desperate to change the subject if he was willing to risk her wrath by making a statement like that. Of course, he didn�t know that he had just set himself up, either. Trish turned her attention to Mac, and Harm watched warily as pleased, somewhat smug smiles spread across the faces of both women.
�Overlooked?� Mac said, trying vainly to stifle a laugh. �That�s what you think.� She nodded to Trish, who quickly stood up and headed out of the kitchen, eager to show Harm just how wrong he was. She rubbed her hands gleefully as she rushed upstairs to her bedroom. She had always wanted the chance to spoil her son, but Harm was as ridiculously stubborn about such things as Mac. Fortunately, Trish was a devious woman, and she had figured out how to use them against each other. Because while neither wanted to be given things for themselves, they both wanted the other to be indulged as much as possible. And if push came to shove, each one would put up with being spoiled if it meant that the other would get the same treatment. So now, instead of having one child to pamper a little, she had two. And she couldn�t be happier about it.
Back in the kitchen, Harm was looking suspiciously at a now giggling Mac. �Where�s she going?� he asked. Mac�s smile got even wider, but she didn�t say a word. Instead, she mimed locking her lips, and then, with an impish twinkle in her eye, pulled her blouse away from her chest and pretended to tuck the key inside her bra. Then she looked back up and winked at him.
Harm stared at her for a moment, tempted to indulge in a thorough search for the imaginary key, when he heard his mother coming back down the stairs. He gave her a smoldering look, and brushed his lips over hers. �I�ll find that later,� he promised, his voice husky, and Mac shivered with desire. But before she could formulate a response, Trish walked back into the kitchen.
She quickly walked back to the table, holding out a large nondescript bag, and Mac slid off his lap as he took the bag from his mother, surprised at how heavy it was. Setting it on the spot Mac had just vacated, he peeked inside, and his eyes widened in shock. Inside, he saw a brand new X-Box, and at least twenty different games to go with it; including what looked like every aviation game ever made. He felt a wave of excitement; he had gotten hooked on the games when he was spending time with Bud after the accident, and they�d spend hours playing. But he wouldn�t let Mac buy one because he said it was too frivolous, and he didn�t need it. He still didn�t need it.
�Mom, this is too-�
�Don�t even start with me, Harmon,� Trish interrupted warningly. �It�s my right to spoil my children if I feel like it, and I felt like it. And you know better than to think you can stop me, so why don�t you just say thank you so that we can eat some dinner?�
He thought about protesting again, but the look in his mother�s eyes told him it would be useless. He shook his head with a sigh. �Thanks, Mom,� he said sincerely, and was rewarded with a beaming smile from Trish and a gleeful snicker from Mac.
�You�re welcome.� Trish smiled and patted his hand patronizingly before heading off to retrieve dinner from the refrigerator. He turned to look at Mac, who was now perched on the edge of the table.
�What?� he asked suspiciously, wondering why she had that smug, knowing grin on her face. Her smile widened as she leaned forward and whispered in his ear.
�Just wait �til you see the rest of the stuff she got you.�
It was late afternoon when Harm woke up again. Glancing at the clock, he stifled a weary groan; he�d been asleep for almost three hours. And he knew that he should get up now if he had any hope of sleeping tonight, but it was hard to convince his body that it would be best to start moving. Well, he silently corrected himself as he felt Mac�s warm, soft form pressed against him, there was one part of his body that wouldn�t mind moving. The arm that had been wrapped around his waist when he went to sleep had shifted, and her hand was now drifting into dangerous territory. He was sorely tempted to let it drift further, but he knew that if it did, nothing would stop him from waking her up and getting both of their bodies moving in a most pleasurable way. But greater than that temptation were the memories of the dark circles under her eyes, and the sound of the congested breathing that comes after a bout of heavy crying. Mac needed rest right now, and he couldn�t be selfish and wake her up.