The Next Conflicting Phase
Part Twenty-Three
Weaving her way through the bullpen, Mac entered her office and closed the door firmly behind her, grateful for the brief respite from the stares and the whispers. And even more grateful that Harm had court this morning, and so didn�t have time to notice that she hadn�t shown up on time. Despite his earlier promises to give her space, he had begun to hover over her again; and it was starting to drive her crazy.
It didn�t help that Trish had been forced to return home last Friday to deal with an emergency at the gallery. Mac knew that part of the reason Harm had been able to let go of some of his worries was because he knew that his mother was there to help him take care of her. Now that she was gone, Harm was once again feeling like it was his sole responsibility to watch over every aspect of her life. And Mac knew she wasn�t making it easier; despite knowing that Trish would be back as soon as she could manage it, her departure had left Mac feeling a little depressed. That had affected her sleep and appetite, which made Harm worry more, which made Mac more upset, and caused them to get stuck in a vicious circle that was quickly making them both miserable.
�Ma�am?� A nervous voice startled Mac out of her unhappy musings, and she looked up to see Bud poking his head hesitantly through the door. �I knocked, but you didn�t answer,� he explained quickly.
�What is it, Lieutenant?� she snapped irritably, and then silently berated herself for her attitude when she saw Bud flinch. He didn�t deserve to bear the brunt of her bad mood.
�Um, nothing, ma�am. I�m sorry to disturb you.� He started to close the door, but Mac called out and stopped him.
�Wait, Bud.� She sighed and motioned him back in. �I�m sorry, Bud. I didn�t mean to bite your head off,� she apologized, and gave him a wan smile. �It�s just been a long morning. What can I do for you?�
Bud still looked hesitant. �I was just going to see if I could bounce some ideas off of you about the Chaney defense, but if you�ve got work to do-�
�I do, but I think the Freedom of Information requests can wait an hour or two,� she responded wryly. She gestured to the chairs in front of her with a smile. �Take a seat, Lieutenant, and bounce away.�
Bud quickly sat down and started outlining his case, not wanting to take up too much of her time. But the more they talked, the more animated Mac became, and he realized that this was probably the most exciting thing she�d done since returning to work. Remembering his own frustrations those first few days back after his accident, he did his best to keep the momentum of the conversation going, making sure to hit every last detail.
Finally, almost an hour later, they had exhausted all possible avenues of defense, and he dropped the case file on the desk.
�So, what do you think?� Bud asked. He was pretty confident about his strategy, but he would still feel better knowing that the Colonel agreed with him. Mac looked proudly at him, impressed once again with the strides Bud had made over the years.
�I think you�ve turned into one hell of a lawyer, Bud.�
�If I am, it�s because I had the best teachers, ma�am,� he told her sincerely. �You and the Commander taught me everything I needed to know.�
Mac shook her head. �You give us too much credit, Lieutenant. But seeing as my ego�s starting to get buried under the endless piles of mindless paperwork, I�m not going to complain too much.� She smiled. �And I�m grateful that you humored me by coming in and pretending to need my help.�
�There was no humoring involved, ma�am,� he assured her. �I needed an honest opinion on whether my strategy was sound.�
�Why not go to Harm?� she asked curiously. �After all, this particular strategy is more his style than mine.�
�That�s exactly why I didn�t ask him, ma�am. He always goes for the risky move, so he would have said yes no matter what. And I couldn�t ask Commander Turner because he�d never try something like this,� he explained. �I knew you�d do it, but only if you thought it was the best way to help your client, and only after you�d exhausted all other avenues. That�s why I like to come to you with stuff like this; you�re kind of the halfway point between Commanders Rabb and Turner. The balance, I guess you could say. You always have been.�
Mac blushed. �Thanks, Bud,� she said softly, both pleased and embarrassed by his assessment. Bud smiled.
�You�re welcome, ma�am.� He picked up his file and stood. �I should get back to work. Thanks again for your help.�
�Anytime, Lieutenant,� she told him sincerely. Just as Bud started to head for the door, Admiral Morris�s yeoman showed up to have her sign some paperwork. Mac reached up for it, and she felt her shoulder tighten at the movement. She was only partially successful in hiding a wince of pain, and the young petty officer�s eyes sharpened on her with barely concealed curiosity. Mac bit back a sigh; the girl was one of the worst gossips at JAG, and was also prone to exaggeration. Mac was sure that by the time she left the office today, everyone would be scrutinizing her to see if she was really as bad off as the petty officer would make it sound. Quickly flipping open the file, she hastily scrawled her name on the forms before slamming it shut again. Practically shoving it back into the girl�s hands, she barked a dismissal, and the petty officer wasted no time in rushing out the door. Mac looked down at her desk and sighed, rubbing her hands wearily over her face. She heard the door shut quietly and assumed that Bud had closed it behind him when he left. She was startled when she felt a gentle hand on her shoulder.
�It�ll get better,� Bud told her matter-of-factly, his eyes full of understanding. He knew exactly what she was going through, and how frustrating it was. But he also knew that it wouldn�t last forever. �Sooner or later, something new will come along that will grab their attention, and they�ll stop looking at you all the time. And then after awhile, they�ll forget there was ever a time when things were different than they are now.�
He patted her shoulder reassuringly, and Mac felt tears prick her eyes, grateful to have someone who understood what she was feeling. As much as she tried to ignore it, all of the stares and the whispering had left her feeling isolated and alone. She had forgotten that she wasn�t the only one who had been through the JAG fishbowl, and she was absurdly grateful that there was someone in the office who understood what she was feeling and could help her cope with it. She reached up and gave Bud�s hand a quick squeeze.
�Thanks, Bud.�
Bud smiled. �Anytime, ma�am,� he responded sincerely, before pulling his hand away and exiting her office. Mac watched as he closed the door behind him before turning her attention back to her desk, and the mountainous stacks of files. Feeling better than she had in a few days, she took a deep breath and then dove into the pile, determined to get through as many pieces of mindless paperwork as she could before the day was done.
She was still diligently working away an hour later when she heard the knock on her door. She called out for whomever it was to enter, never bothering to lift her head as she wrapped up the file she was currently working on. It wasn�t until she felt a familiar form looming over her that she looked up.
�What happened?� Harm demanded immediately, hands planted firmly on his hips, as he looked her over for any visible signs of pain or discomfort.
�Hello to you, too,� she replied amiably, determined to hold onto her pleasant disposition. �How was court?�
�Hi. Court was awful, and don�t change the subject,� he answered tersely. �What happened?�
She sighed at his tone, her good mood going ragged at the edges. �Nothing.�
�Don�t give me that, Mac. You were over two hours late; something had to have happened,� he argued.
She arched an eyebrow in irritation. �And how do you know when I got in? Listening to idle gossip, Commander?�
�Damn it, Mac. It�s not my fault that the rest of the staff can�t mind their own business, and I can�t help it if they make sure they talk loudly enough so that I�ll overhear them.� Frustrated with the way Mac was dodging his question, he crossed his arms over his chest and leaned on the edge of her desk. �And all of that�s beside the point, anyway. I want to know what went on at your appointment. What did they say? Did they find something?�
Mac couldn�t stop herself from rolling her eyes. �Oh, for God�s sake, Harm! Would you just calm down? Nothing went wrong, all right? Things just got backed up, and the new tech is incompetent so it took twice as long as it should have. Relax!�
�I�m sorry, okay?� he apologized defensively. �This is the first treatment you�ve had since Mom had to go back to California, and I knew it would be hard for you without her there. I worry, Mac; I can�t help it.�
Mac sighed, her irritation fading with the knowledge that he loved her and was just trying to look out for her. �I�m fine, Harm. Yes, it was hard not having her there with me, but I knew it was coming and I got through it. And treatments aren�t nearly as hard as having to come into this fishbowl we call an office every day,� she added, gesturing to the eyes stealing surreptitious glances at them through her office window.
There wasn�t really anything he could say to that; he had been the object of bullpen discussion enough over the years to know how hard it could be to deal with.
�I know, Mac; but it�ll get better.� Mac just nodded. �Why don�t we go grab some lunch?�
She shook her head, depression seeping its way back through her defenses. �I�m not hungry.�
Harm sighed. �Mac you need to eat. You know you can�t afford to lose any weight.�
Maintaining her weight was one of the things that Joe and the rest of the medical staff had stressed at the start of Mac�s treatments. The mold she laid in for every treatment needed to fit her exactly to ensure that they didn�t kill too many healthy cells. If she lost too much weight, the mold wouldn�t do any good and they would have to start over, which was obviously not what anyone wanted.
Mac glared at him. She hated when he took that tone of voice with her, like she didn�t understand what was happening.
�What do you want me to do, Harm? I can�t help it if I�m not hungry.�
�How about I take you to Beltway Burgers?� he suggested. �Maybe once you get there, away from the office, your appetite will come back.�
�I don�t think so, Harm.�
Harm threw up his hands in frustration. �Why can�t you just try?�
�Because I�m not hungry!� she answered heatedly. �For God�s sake, Harm, it�s one meal! Why are you freaking out?�
�I�m not freaking out!� he shot back at her. �And it�s been more than just one meal, Mac. You�re not eating enough, and I�m worried. Can you understand that?�
Mac pushed out of her chair and got right up close, determined to tell him off, when she got a good look at his face. Her anger faded as she saw the lines of stress around his mouth that had gotten deeper, and the look of weariness and worry in his eyes. She reached up and stroked his cheek with a sigh.
�I understand, Harm. I do,� she reassured him. �I know that this is hard for you, but it�s hard for me, too. I�m doing the best I can, but it�s hard. And as much as I know you�re trying to help, the more you push, the harder it is.�
�I don�t want to make it harder, Mac,� he told her softly, pulling her hand from his face and pressing it against his heart. �I just need to do something and I feel so helpless because I know there�s nothing I can do.�
�That�s not true, Harm. You help me just by being here and listening,� she responded. �I love you, Harm, and I appreciate everything you�re doing to try and help, but I really need you to back off just a little. Please.�
Harm nodded. �I�ll try, Mac. I promise. But I can�t stop worrying.�
�I know, Harm, and I�m sorry. But I promise, if you try not to push, I�ll try and do better about eating and taking care of myself. Okay?� Harm nodded again, and, after a quick glance out into the bullpen to make sure no one was watching, she leaned up and gave him a quick kiss. �Thanks.�
�You�re welcome,� he smiled, and leaned down for another kiss. Then he stepped back before things could get out of hand. �I should get going. I�ll see if Sturgis wants to go to lunch with me.� He hesitated, and then asked, �Do you want me to bring you something back?�
Mac smiled gratefully. �I�d like that,� she agreed, happy to see an answering smile light up his face.
He had tried to talk to her, or get her to talk to Joe, but she stubbornly refused, telling him she could handle it. But the more time went on, the more Harm doubted that was true; in fact, if things kept going the same way, he was going to go talk to Joe himself, no matter what kind of trouble it got him into.
All of this was weighing heavily on Harm�s mind as he walked into JAG after having spent the morning taking a deposition at the Pentagon. Stepping off the elevators, he decided to take a chance and try and get Mac to go down to the cafeteria and grab some lunch with him. He was just making his way back to his office when Sturgis waylaid him. �Hey, buddy.�
�Hey, Sturgis. What�s up?�
�You might want to go check on Mac.�
�Why? What happened?� Harm asked sharply, hurrying into his office to drop off his briefcase and cover.
�She just blew up at Coates in the middle of the bullpen, and then went storming into her office. She�s holed up in their now, and I think you should check on her.�
As much as he wanted to do just that, Harm hesitated. �I don�t know, Sturgis. I promised I wouldn�t hover.�
�This isn�t hovering, Harm. She�s really upset, and she�s starting to take it out on everyone else,� he said seriously, and Harm could see the worry in his eyes. �I tried talking to her, but she threw up one of her steel walls.�
Harm nodded. �Okay, Sturgis. I�ll go talk to her.� As they entered the bullpen, he nodded towards the Admiral�s office. �Why don�t you go make sure Jen�s alright? And while you�re at it, could you see if the Admiral has time to see us within the next half hour or so?�
Sturgis nodded and headed in that direction, leaving Harm to make his way over to Mac�s office alone. Taking note of the tightly closed blinds, and seeing the mixed looks of sympathy and dread coming from the rest of the staff, he could tell that this was not going to be fun. Suppressing a sigh, he walked up and knocked on Mac�s door.
�Enter,� came the barked command from inside. Harm sighed - nope, definitely not fun. Steeling his shoulders, he took a deep breath and prepared for battle. Stepping inside, he immediately shut the door behind him.
Mac was sitting at her desk, and he could feel the anger and frustration coming off her in waves. Deciding that subtlety wasn�t going to get him anywhere, he strode around her desk and stood right next to her chair, deliberately invading her personal space as much as possible. He didn�t worry about making her angry, because he knew that no matter how he handled it, she was going to get mad at him.
�What�s wrong?� he asked bluntly, figuring he might as well just take the most direct route.
�Nothing,� she said curtly, never bothering to lift her head from the file on her desk. �I�m fine.�
�Bullshit.�
That got her attention. Mac�s head jerked up; shocked both by the word and the flat tone in his voice when he said it. Looking up at him, she could see that hard, implacable glint in his eye he got when he dug in his heels about something. Seeing it now, and knowing it was directed at her, was really pissing her off.
�Excuse me?� she asked dangerously, pushing herself up from her seat. �Just who the hell do you think you are?�
His eyes narrowed when he saw the wince of pain that crossed her face as she stood, and it hardened his resolve. �I think I�m the man who loves you, and wants to know why you�re ripping the heads off the enlisted personnel in the office.�
�You want to know?� she parroted back mockingly, feeling an irrational surge of anger flood through her at his words. �Why do you want to know, exactly? So you can pat me on the head and tell me to �suck it up, Marine� for the fiftieth time this week?�
The unfairness of that statement had him in her face in a second. �Oh no, you don�t,� he told her, grabbing hold of her shoulders to keep her from turning away. �You are not pulling this. You are damn well going to make up your mind, Colonel.�
�I don�t know what you�re talking about.�
�You know exactly what I�m talking about,� he shot back angrily. �You get pissed off at me and tell me you don�t want me to treat you differently, and then you get pissed off because you don�t want me to treat you the same. So how about you save us both the headache and tell me what the hell you do want.�
�I don�t know!� She shouted at him, tearing herself out of his grasp. She spun around to face the window, her hands clenching into fists at her side. Harm could see how tense she was, and he waited for the next explosion, but it never came. All of the sudden, her anger deflated and her shoulders slumped in defeat. She slowly turned around to face him.
�I�m sorry,� she whispered, too ashamed to look him in the eye. �I�m sorry, Harm. I know I�m being a bitch to you, to everyone, and I�m sorry. But I don�t know what to do.�
Harm reached over and lifted her chin. �You�re not being a bitch,� he reassured her. Her eyebrows shot up in disbelief, and he couldn�t help but chuckle as he amended, �Not much, anyway. And I didn�t mean to yell, but I just want to help you, and I don�t know how to do that.�
She shook her head, trying desperately to fight back the tears threatening to overwhelm her. �I don�t think you can.�
�How do you know for sure if you don�t tell me what�s wrong?� he countered. He cupped her face in his hand, stroking her cheek gently. �Talk to me, Sarah.�
The use of her first name wore down her weakened defenses, and she leaned her cheek into his hand as she admitted softly, �It hurts.�
�What hurts?� A single tear slid down her face. He brushed it away with his thumb, but another came and immediately took its place.
�Everything,� Mac told him as she angrily swiped at her face. �My breast is sore; my uniform is so uncomfortable that I just want to tear it off; my shoulder is so stiff that I can barely lift my arm, and I�ve spent the last few hours on the verge of tears. And now I�m sitting here in my office, and instead of focusing on case reviews, all I can think of is how much I wish I had Max here.�
She laughed self-deprecatingly. �How stupid is that? I mean, what kind of self-respecting Marine sits in her office crying because she wants her teddy bear?�
�It�s pretty pathetic,� he teased, trying to lighten her mood a little, �but I promise not to tell.�
Mac started to laugh, but it quickly turned into a choked sob. �I�m just so tired, Harm,� she said plaintively. �I�m sore and uncomfortable, and I�m just so tired.�
�Baby, come here,� he said gently, pulling her into his arms. She wrapped her arms around him and leaned her head against his chest.
�I just want to rest. I just want to rest for a little while. I�m so tired.� She began crying in earnest, and Harm quickly moved to sit in her chair, pulling her onto his lap while she wept. He did his best to comfort her, stroking her hair and pressing soft kisses to the top of her head, but even as she began to quiet in his arms, he knew that she was going to need more than that to feel better. Unfortunately, it was going to take some convincing to get her to agree to what he was about to propose.
Mac�s tears finally tapered off, and she lifted her head from his chest. She gave him a watery smile. �Sorry. I didn�t mean to get you all wet.�
�I�ll dry,� he reassured her, tenderly wiping the last of the moisture from her cheeks. He hesitated for a moment, and then said softly, �Mac, I think it�s time to talk to the Admiral.�
Mac stiffened in his arms, just like he knew she would, but he wasn�t going to be deterred. They had made a deal before she started treatments that if the time came when it got to be too much, she would stop working and take the medical leave the Admiral had offered her. In Harm�s opinion, that time had arrived.
Mac, however, didn�t agree. �Harm, no. It�s not that bad,� she protested, trying to pull away from his arms and stand up. Harm just held on tighter.
�Mac, you�re sitting in your office crying and wanting your teddy bear. It is that bad.�
Mac blushed; embarrassed that she had mentioned Max to him. �I�ll be fine. I just need a little sleep.�
It took willpower, but Harm just managed to refrain from rolling his eyes at her. However, he wasn�t completely able to mask the exasperation in his voice as he pointed out, �Mac. Even if all you needed was some sleep, you�re not going to get that if you have to get up early every day to go for treatment and then rush in to get to work on time. Not to mention the fact that all of the writing and typing you do during the day is just going to make your shoulder even more sore. And your uniform is just going to get more uncomfortable. You�re not supposed to wear heavy material like wool at all, much less for an entire day. And-�
�Alright!� Mac broke into his tirade. �I get it, Harm; okay? I�ll go to the Admiral and ask for leave. Are you happy now?�
�Of course I�m not happy. But I want you to get better, Mac. I want you to take care of yourself, and right now that means taking some time off so you can rest.�
�I know.� She looked up with a sigh, and said sullenly, �I�m going to be bored out of my mind.�
�I�m sure you�ll find something to do.� He gave her a teasing grin as he set her gently on her feet. �Maybe if you�re lucky, the Admiral will send all those Freedom of Information requests home with you.�
�On second thought, maybe I am feeling too sick to work,� Mac quickly amended, her eyes wide with horror, and Harm just shook his head with a laugh as he nudged her out the door towards the Admiral�s office.
JAG Headquarters
February 9, 2004
1057 EST
It was a very unhappy Marine who stormed off the elevators and into the JAG bullpen that Monday morning, two hours later than expected. Her treatment had started late; the stupid machine had almost broken down twice; and the new technician was so incompetent that Mac could have done a better job herself. And if that wasn�t bad enough, because of her late arrival, every person she�d passed since pulling into the JAG parking lot had stared at her even more than usual. She knew that they were studying her for any signs of weakness, a deterioration of her condition, and it was really starting to piss her off. She was tired of being watched so closely all the time, like she was some kind of freaky science experiment gone wrong.
Monday, February 16, 2004
JAG Headquarters
After their talk a week ago, Harm did his best to back off and not baby Mac. It wasn�t easy; every day that passed, the toll the treatments were taking on her became more noticeable. Her appetite was still low, and she ate only when she had to. The radiation was causing serious redness and irritation to her breast, which was worsened by the bra and heavy wool uniform she wore every day. Her shoulder was becoming so stiff that she was having a hard time getting to sleep at night, which only added to the fatigue the treatments themselves caused. Then there was the fact that all of the physical discomforts she was suffering served to make her increasingly moody and irritable.