The Next Conflicting Phase
Part Twenty-One
The optimism and joy that had come from having Harm home and completing her first treatment had carried her through the rest of the morning. Trish had insisted on taking them out for breakfast, and they had spent almost two hours talking and laughing before finally heading home. It wasn�t until they had pulled into the driveway and Trish had announced that she was going to spend the rest of the day shopping that Mac had remembered her promise of last week, and just the memory of her revelations to Harm�s mother about her past was enough to destroy her good mood. She didn�t want to have that conversation again, didn�t want Harm to see any more of the dark places her childhood had left inside her, whatever promise she might have made.
Just when her fears had started to overwhelm her and she began to wonder if there was a way to avoid what lie ahead, Harm finally stepped out of the bathroom. He was dressed only in a pair of sweats that hung loosely off his waist, with a wet towel slung over his shoulders, and Mac felt a bolt of desire shoot through her already tense system. She had missed him so much, and now that he was here, a part of her wanted nothing more than to lay him down on the bed and ravage him. But the other part of her knew that she needed to talk to him first, to explain her behavior since the surgery. He deserved to know, to understand why she had been reacting to him the way she had. She just had to figure out the best way to tell him.
She watched him move across the room towards her, and refrained from rolling her eyes when he tossed his towel back into the bathroom, ignoring it when it missed the sink and landed in the middle of the floor. Normally she would have made some comment about his lack of neatness, but she was so happy that he was home that even the usual little annoyances were somewhat endearing. Well, maybe not endearing, but at least tolerable.
�Better now?� she asked with a smile.
�You have no idea.� He walked over to the bed and flopped down, letting his head fall into her lap. She ran her fingers soothingly through his still damp hair and he sighed, relaxing into her touch. �I�m getting too old for this.�
�Yeah, you�re looking pretty worn down,� she teased, and then squealed when he reached his arms up and began tickling her. Squirming out of his grasp, she let his head fall onto the mattress as she scooted up the bed. Harm leaned up and lunged for her, but she easily evaded his grasp. He made a half-hearted attempt to follow her, but quickly decided tickling her wasn�t worth the energy he would have to expend. Holding up his hands in surrender, he crawled up next to her and leaned back to sit against the headboard.
Mac could see the fatigue in his eyes, and decided that their conversation could wait until he had gotten a little rest. She reached out and ran a gentle hand down the side of his face.
�Seriously, Harm, you look pretty tired. Do you want to lie down and nap for awhile?�
He shook his head. �I am pretty tired, but I don�t want to get my internal clock all screwed up because of jet lag.� His eyes dropped to her lap. �Besides, I won�t be able to sleep until you tell me what�s bothering you.�
Mac followed his gaze down, and saw that her hands were now twisting nervously in her lap. Blushing, she clasped them tightly together, forcing them to be still. Harm reached out and covered them with his own.
�Do you want to talk about it?�
�No.� She sighed heavily, sliding her hands out from under his and rubbing them wearily over her face before looking up and meeting his gaze. �But I need to talk about it. I need to explain some things to you.�
�About?� he asked curiously, slipping a finger under her chin and tilting her head up so that he could see her eyes. She met his gaze unflinchingly.
�About how I�ve been acting since the surgery. About why I act the way I do when it comes to��she paused and took a deep breath before continuing quietly, �when it comes to intimacy between us.�
�Mac, you don�t have to-�
She pressed two fingers softly against his lips to stop him from finishing his sentence. He was giving her a way out, and she was worried that if she let him get the words out, she would take him up on his offer and she didn�t want to do that.
�Yes, I do,� she told him softly. �You need to know. I need you to know. I need to tell you, to finally let it go completely.�
Harm frowned. �To let what go? I don�t understand, Mac.�
�I know. I didn�t either.� She looked up at him, and he could see the beginnings of tears forming in her big doe eyes. �I didn�t, Harm. I need you to know that. I wasn�t deliberately trying to keep anything from you. I�ve just never been able to deal with it, so I buried it so far down that I wouldn�t have to think about it.�
The pleading note in her voice had him desperately wishing he could reassure her, but he didn�t know what she was talking about. �What �it�, Mac? You�re starting to worry me.�
�I�m sorry,� she apologized, her frustration mounting as she clumsily tried to find her way to what she needed to say. �I know I�m not dealing with this the best way, but I don�t know where to begin.�
She had thought it would be easier; that revealing her secrets to Trish would have helped her to reveal them to her son. In some ways it was easier; it was certainly easier to talk about sex with him than it was with his mother. But by the same token, it was much harder knowing that she would be revealing more to him than she had to Trish.
�Mac?� Harm�s voice pulled her out of her jumbled thoughts. She lifted her head and saw him staring at her, his gaze soft and compassionate. �Tell me what I can do to make this easier for you.�
�I don�t think anything can make this easier,� she admitted. He reached up and cupped her cheek, and she willingly leaned into his touch. There was strength in those hands, strength enough to snap a man�s neck, and yet she didn�t fear them. She knew that they would never touch in her anger. In comfort and desire and love, yes; but never in anger. She would always be safe with him. And that knowledge gave her the courage to say what needed to be said.
Harm had been watching the look on Mac�s face anxiously, trying to figure out something he could do to take that sad and weary look off her face, when he felt some of the tension drain away. She covered his hand with her own and gave him a shy smile. �Actually, there is one thing that might help.�
�Name it,� he declared immediately, squeezing her hand tightly.
Mac�s smile widened, even as tears pricked at the back of her eyelids. She forced them back, knowing that there would be plenty of crying later, and slid closer to them.
�Hold me,� she whispered. �I need to feel your arms around me right now.�
Harm didn�t bother responding; he just slipped his free arm around Mac and pulled her gently into his lap. Sliding his hand from her cheek to the nape of her neck, he cradled her head against his chest. �Take your time, Mac; there�s no hurry. If whatever it is has waited all these years, it can wait a few more minutes.�
The walls Mac had erected to keep her composure crumbled under the weight of his understanding and the gentle hand now stroking her hair, and the tears began to slip down her face. She allowed herself a few precious moments to cry, secure in the shelter of his embrace, and then reached inside and gathered the strength she needed to go on. Swiping her hand hastily across her face to get rid of the tears lingering there, she continued.
�Do you...do you remember the time you asked me why I wasn�t comfortable initiating...things between us?� Harm murmured an assent as he continued stroking her hair, both to soothe her and to calm his own nerves. �And do you remember my explanation?�
�Yes.�
Her voice was barely audible, and he had to lean closer to hear her next words. �That wasn�t all of it. It was part of it, but it wasn�t the start. And it�s not the reason I�ve been pulling away from you.�
Harm waited for her to continue, but when she remained silent, he prodded gently, "What was the start?�
Mac took a deep breath, hoping that this telling would be easier than the last, bracing herself against the pain in case it wasn�t, and then began her story.
�It happened when I was thirteen....�
And so she told him about that night over twenty years ago. It wasn�t easier the second time around; in fact, it was infinitely more difficult. Not because she thought he�d blame her for what that drunken bastard had done to her, what he had tried to do; Trish had finally made her see once and for all that she was not to blame for his perversions. No, what she feared was his reaction to the rest of her story. Because unlike with Trish, she didn�t hold anything back when she told him of the years that followed. Reluctantly, shamefully, she told him of all the things she had done when her mother had left, the lengths she had gone to just to make sure she didn�t have to face the world sober.
And when the words were finally out, when all of her secrets and shadows and pain were laid bare to him, she felt the last of her strength fade. Collapsing back into his embrace, she buried her head in the crook of his neck and took comfort in the strong, familiar scent of him. She inhaled as deeply as she could, letting that familiar mixture of soap and cologne and Harm wash over her, sweeping away the still remembered scent of whiskey and shame.
She sat like that for over five minutes, just holding onto Harm and breathing in his scent, and waiting for him to say something. In her heart, Mac knew that nothing had changed; Harm still loved and believed in her. But her mind still heard the voices from the past, taunting her, condemning her, and the longer they sat in silence, the harder it was to push those voices away. Finally, the tension within her became too great to ignore, and she forced herself to look up at him and speak.
�Harm?�
He could hear the fear in her voice and knew that he needed to say something, to reassure her that what she�d told him didn�t change anything; that it didn�t change the way he felt about her. And it didn�t, unless it was to make him love her even more. But even though he knew she was waiting, knew that every second of silence was hurting her, he couldn�t speak. He was afraid to speak.
He�d known her for eight years, and in those eight years, he�d said the wrong thing so many times that he�d lost count. A couple of those times were deliberate, when he�d lashed out at her because of his own pain. But most of the time it was just the result of his fumbling, feeble attempts to tell her what was in his head and in his heart. And intentional or not, he had hurt her with his inability to explain what he was feeling. He couldn�t do that this time. He couldn�t afford to say the wrong thing now; not when she had just opened herself up like that, revealed something so dark and painful for her. He couldn�t, he wouldn�t, say anything that would make it worse. Something that would add another scar on her heart. Now, more than ever before, he had to find the perfect words, but he didn�t have any idea what those words might be.
�Harm?� she whispered again, and this time she lifted her head and focused those soft eyes on him. �Say something, please.�
Meeting her teary, fearful gaze and hearing the pleading tone in her voice, Harm felt an overwhelming wave of emotion come over him. And suddenly the words were there, just waiting to be spoken.
�Every time you open up to me,� he started, speaking in a slow, soft voice that he hoped would comfort her and soothe some of her fears. �Every time you trust me enough to let me see the horrors you�ve been through, every time I think �This is it. This is the strongest, the bravest, the most beautiful that she can possibly be.� And every time you prove me wrong.� Disentangling himself from her arms, Harm pulled back far enough to see Mac�s face. �I love you so much, Sarah. You�re the most amazing woman I�ve ever known.�
Mac gazed up at him, tears spilling down her cheeks, and Harm sighed when he saw the look in her eyes. Cupping her face in his hands, he brushed the tears away with his thumbs. �Why do you look so surprised? So relieved? Did you honestly think that I would think less of you because of what that man did to you? That I would blame you, or stop loving you?�
�No,� she sniffled softly, her gaze dropping to her lap. �Not for that. I...I know that wasn�t my fault. It took me awhile to really believe it, but I finally got it. I understand now.�
Knowing her the way he did, he wasn�t sure he believed that, but he was careful to keep any hint of skepticism from his voice as he questioned gently, �Then why were you so afraid to tell me?�
Heat suffused her face. �Because of what came after; after my mom left. Of...of what I did,� she stammered, curling further into herself as the shame of those memories battered at her defenses. �And what I let...I acted like a...like a tra-�
�Don�t!� Harm cut her off forcefully, unwilling to let that word pass her lips. Sliding his hands down to her elbows, he pulled her around to face him, cupping her chin and forcing her to meet his gaze. �Don�t you dare finish that sentence, Mac! I don�t ever want to hear you call yourself that.�
�What would you call it?� she asked bitterly. Wrenching her arms from his grasp and sliding off his lap, her back still to him. �What would you call a girl who let guys...touch her, all for a few lousy beers?�
Unwilling to let her pull away, Harm slid forward and pulled her, stiff and unyielding, back into his arms. Holding on tightly, he leaned down and rested his chin on her shoulder.
�I would call her confused,� he told her quietly. �And lost. And hurting. And because of that, she made some mistakes, and did some things she wasn�t proud of, because she didn�t know how else to deal with her pain. Because no one had ever shown her anything else.�
The honesty and sincerity with which he spoke began to unravel her, and she felt the tears welling in her eyes. As Harm felt the tension in her back and shoulders begin to ease, he slid his arms down and gently eased her around to face him again.
�But even though she made mistakes, she accepted them. She took responsibility for them, and when she was given a way out, a better way than the ones she�d known, she took it. And she made something of herself. She might have slipped a couple of times along the way, but she always picked herself up and kept moving forward.� When she tried to duck her head again, he reached out and cupped her face, forcing her to look at him before finishing what he wanted to tell her. �And because she did, because she never gave up and kept fighting until she turned her life around, I would call her strong, and beautiful, and kind. And the most amazing thing of all; I get to call her mine.�
Tears were once again sliding down Mac�s face, but these were tears of relief, and release, and a joy so great that she felt her heart might burst with it. She had waited so long to be free from her demons, for someone to say those words to her, and for her to be able to believe them. So long for someone who would see her, see all of those dark, secret places she had kept hidden for so long, and who would still love her. Love all of her, dark places included. And who would let her see his own dark places, knowing that she would give him that same unconditional love. She had almost given up hope of ever knowing what it felt like to love and be loved like that, but for some reason fate had decided to give her one last chance at having her heart�s desire. And now that she had it, she was never going to let it go.
�I love you, Harm,� she whispered as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Then she pulled his head to hers and drew him in for a long, slow kiss just to emphasize her point. That kiss led to another, and another, and soon the fiery ball of need and desire and love that had been building between them the last month exploded. Hands and lips clutched and caressed and devoured as they sought to make up for lost time.
Harm was drowning in the pleasure of being able to hold Mac, touch her, the way he�d wanted to since she�d come home from the hospital. He could feel his need quickly spiraling out of control, and he realized that he needed to make certain that Mac was finally, really, ready for this. And he needed to do it soon, before his control broke completely.
Dragging his mouth away from hers, he grabbed hold of her hands and clutched them against his chest. After giving them both a moment to catch their breath, he looked into her eyes, drunk with desire, and asked, �Mac, are you sure? Because we can wait��
Mac immediately shook her head, pulling one hand free and placing it against his lips. �I don�t want to wait anymore. I don�t need to wait anymore. I just need you, Harm.�
And with that, she slid her other hand from his grasp and began to undo the buttons of her blouse. Harm wanted to reach up and help her in her task, but he still wasn�t sure that she was ready for him to touch her there. So he kept his hands pressed against his chest as she finished with the last button and then she shrugged the shirt off her shoulders and tossed it onto the floor, leaving her bare from the waist up.
Looking down at Harm, she saw that his eyes were fixed firmly on her face, and she knew that he was waiting for a signal from her that she was okay with him looking at her newest scar. She nodded, giving him a small smile, and watched his eyes drop from her face to her chest. She forced herself to breathe normally and not tense up under his gaze, wanting to give him the opportunity to get used to the changes in her body without making him feel rushed or guilty. After a few minutes of silent contemplation, he raised his eyes to hers once more, and she could clearly read the question there. She nodded again, but still he hesitated, so she slid her hand down to his, intertwining their fingers before bringing them up to her breast. Guiding his hand gently over the scar and the small indentation that it covered, she then lifted his hand to her mouth, pressing soft kisses to his fingers.
They stayed like that for a time, with his hand pressed to her lips, but eventually Harm pulled his hand free. He slid it back down to her breast, but his eyes never left hers as he finally broke the silence that had enveloped them.
�It doesn�t change anything, Sarah,� he told her, his fingers tenderly caressing the scar. �Not really. I�m not going to say it enhances your beauty, but it doesn�t detract from it either. You�re still the most beautiful woman I�ve ever known.� Sliding his hands down to her waist, he leaned up and kissed her tenderly. �I love you.�
She smiled, her eyes radiant. �I know. I love you, too.�
Somewhat reluctantly, she scooted off his lap and then slid off the bed to finish undressing. She made quick work of her clothes, and then of his, before lying back down on the bed. Pulling him down atop of her, she encouraged him to pick up where they had left off. But Harm had other ideas. He didn�t want this time with her to be some frenzied, lustful coupling. He didn�t want to just show her that he desired her; he wanted to show her that he respected her. So he took his time, teasing and caressing and worshipping, focusing all his attention on her.
His hands glided slowly and smoothly over her skin, starting at her neck and working their way down to her ankles before starting the return journey. As he moved back up her legs, his hand brushed over the small, puckered scar on her thigh.
�So strong,� he whispered, as he remembered those woods and their struggle to escape the poachers. Then, without conscious thought, his hand drifted up to her side. A picture of her, lying on the floor of a smoky jazz club shot through his mind. �So brave.� And now his hand was moving up to her breast, where he leaned down to press a loving kiss onto this latest scar. �So beautiful.�
Staring down at those scars, Harm thought about how close he had come to losing her, not just to bullets, but to their own stubbornness and insecurities. He realized how blessed he was to have her in his life. To have finally found his equal, a woman who would stand beside him, stand up to him and for him, and love him despite everything.
Overcome with emotion, he buried his head in the crook of her neck and said in a choked whisper. �Mine.�
Mac placed a soothing hand against the back of his neck. �Yours,� she confirmed, stroking his hair gently, �Always. I�m not going to leave you, Harm. I�m never going to walk away.� She lifted his head and pressed her cheek to his. �I�ll always be here for you,� she murmured into his ear, �no matter what.�
Pushing gently on his shoulders, she rolled them over so that she was straddling him. She reached up and cradled his face in her hands. �Mine,� she sighed, trailing a line of soft kisses from his temple down the side of his face. She paused when she reached his mouth, whispering softly before fusing her lips to his, �I love you, Harm. So much.�
The words seemed inadequate to describe the depth of her feelings, but they were the only words she had, and she couldn�t stop saying them. Over and over she spoke her love; in a whisper as she slid her mouth and hands over flesh and hard toned muscle; with a gasp as he turned his own hands loose onto her fevered skin, lifting her on a wave of desire; and with a sharp cry as she crested that wave, coming apart in his arms. And then once more, after her heart stopped hammering in her chest and her breathing returned to normal, as she curled into his side and wrapped her arm tightly across his waist. She wanted to say more, to ask him if he was okay, but the warmth and comfort of his arms was overloading a system that had been deprived of him for too long. Still, she tried to lift her head from its resting place, only to have him press it softly back against his chest.
�Sleep,� he whispered, running his hand soothingly over her hair. She could hear the fatigue in his voice, but underneath it there was a hint of the peace she now felt flowing through her, and she knew that he was okay. Content with that, she allowed her eyes to close fully, and drifted off into the first restful sleep she�d had since he left.
Harm was exhausted as well, but he resisted his inevitable surrender to slumber. He just wanted to hold her, to touch her and soothe her and be soothed by her. He wanted to revel in their love and their commitment to each other, to know that they would always be able to find this peace in each other�s arms. Eventually, though, the jet lag and the lonely nights across the Atlantic exerted their hold over his sleep-deprived body, and he wrapped his arm tightly around Mac before joining her in peaceful dreams.
Rabb/Mackenzie residence
Monday, February 2, 2004
1220 EST
Mac sat on the edge of the bed, fiddling with the edges of an old quilt as she waited for Harm to get out of the shower. She was trying not to be nervous, to hold onto the strength she�d felt last week after talking to Trish, but it was getting more difficult with every second that passed.