The Next Conflicting Phase
Part Fifteen
She had known she wouldn�t be able to get back into the swing of things right away. She and the Admiral had gone over all of the duty restrictions she would have after surgery and during radiation, so she knew coming into work that first day that she wouldn�t be getting the big cases, or sent out on any assignments. And although she would never admit it, that first day she had been grateful for all of those restrictions. She hadn�t realized how uncomfortable her uniform would be, or the strain in her arm she got from carrying her briefcase. Hell, by the end of that day, her left arm had been throbbing from all the writing she had done, and she was right handed. Still, sitting in her office filing mindless motions and writing endless briefs was leaving her bored, irritated, and depressed.
And it didn�t help that a couple of gossiping ensigns had overheard her and Harriet talking in the break room her first morning back; within an hour, everyone at JAG knew she had cancer. Now, whenever she stepped out of her office, people either stared at her pityingly or scurried away, avoiding her as if her cancer was some kind of plague. She was back to living in a fishbowl, just like last year, and she hated it. She hated that her life was constantly on display for everyone to examine. At least this time, she didn�t have to deal with it alone; she had her friends supporting her now. Well, she thought as she looked out her window into the bullpen and saw Petty Officer Coates heading her way, almost all her friends.
From the minute Jen had found out about Mac�s illness, she had been avoiding her if at all possible. And when she couldn�t avoid Mac, she was nervous and uncomfortable, despite Mac�s attempts to be friendly and reassuring. After a couple of days, Mac had given up and resigned herself to waiting for Jen to come around. She was hoping that once Jen got a chance to adjust to the news, she would be more comfortable in her presence. In the meantime, she tried not to be too hurt by the younger woman�s attitude.
Jen finally reached her office and knocked. Mac called out for her to enter, so she opened the door and poked her head in.
�The Admiral would like to see you when you get a moment, ma�am,� she informed Mac, who quickly thanked and then dismissed her. As she watched Coates practically fly back to her desk, she had the overwhelming urge to pick up her stapler and hurl it across the room. She was so sick and tired of being the office freak.
Angrily pushing her chair back, she got up and stalked towards the Admiral�s office. So help her, if he handed her another stack of Freedom of Information requests, she was going to take every last one of them and gleefully toss them into his fireplace. She strode up to his door and knocked briskly, waiting just long enough for him to call out for her to enter before going inside; determined to make him either give her something more challenging to do than paperwork, or to send her home so that she could do something interesting like dust her house from top to bottom.
Twenty minutes later, she walked out of the Admiral�s office alternating between feeling unreasonably happy, and feeling guilty for feeling so unreasonably happy. After all, it was obvious that Meredith was not handling the whole ring situation very well, and that it was causing strain between her and the Admiral. But Mac couldn�t help being excited that she was finally getting the opportunity to do something that mattered. And almost as important, she would have the chance to get away from JAG for the rest of the day.
In fact, the only thing she wasn�t looking forward to was telling Harm what she was doing. While he was doing his best not to be overprotective, he still watched everything she did carefully to make sure she wasn�t overdoing it. Somehow, she had the feeling that telling him that she had volunteered to investigate a stolen diamond would fall into his overdoing category. In fact, it would probably be best if she didn�t say anything to him until this evening, since her part in this would most likely be over by then.
With that decided, Mac darted into her office long enough to shut down her computer and slip into her coat, before scooping up her cover and purse and heading for the elevator. She hadn�t made it past her office door when she ran smack dab into Harm, who was coming to take her to lunch.
�Whoa there, Marine,� he chuckled as he helped her right herself, �Where�s the fire?�
�Sorry, Harm, but I�m in a hurry.� She gave him an apologetic smile. �I�ll be out for the rest of the day, so I�ll call you later so we can talk about dinner.�
She tried to slip past him and over to the elevator, but he reached out and caught her arm. �Out for the rest of the day where, Mac? What�s going on?�
�It�s nothing,� she said with a reassuring smile, trying to downplay it. �Just something I�m looking into for the Admiral.�
She had hoped that would be enough for him to let it go for now, but one look at his face told her it wasn�t. Crossing his arms over his chest, she could tell he was prepared to wait all day for an explanation, and that he wasn�t going to let her go without one. She surrendered with a sigh.
�Come on,� she told him, grabbing hold of his arm and dragging him to the elevator with her, �I�ll explain it to you while you walk me to my car.�
Ten minutes later, Harm got off the elevator again and trudged unhappily to his office. Mac�s explanation had done nothing to ease his mind. The thought of her investigating stolen diamonds was not a pleasant one. He had wanted to stop her, or at least insist on going with her, but she had looked so damn happy to be getting out of the office for awhile, that he couldn�t bring himself to ruin it by arguing with her. He knew how hard it had been for her these past few days since she�d come back to work. He�d seen the stares and heard the whispers, and he�d seen how some people avoided her if they could. He�d even experienced a little of it himself, so he knew how frustrating and discouraging it could be. That, combined with the fact that the restrictions laid out for her prevented her from doing any work that could be construed as even remotely interesting, had left her moody and out of sorts.
But now that she had a chance to help out the Admiral, to use her connections at the CIA to get some potentially helpful information on that diamond, she was practically bubbling over with excitement. She was finally feeling useful, and he couldn�t undermine that by forcing himself into her investigation just because he was worried about her. He had promised that he would give her some space, and let her get back some of the independence she�d lost since the surgery, and he was going to do that no matter how much it caused him to worry in the process.
Still, just because he couldn�t go with her, didn�t mean that he couldn�t help in some way. There were other angles to pursue, like talking with the man who had sold the Admiral the diamond in the first place. And aside from a deposition he had this afternoon, which had admittedly already been rescheduled twice, Harm had nothing pressing to take care of. With that in mind, he turned around right as he reached his office door and headed for the Admiral�s office.
�Hey, Jen,� he smiled at the young petty officer as he stopped in front of her desk, �does the Admiral have a minute?�
Jen return his smile wanly. She glanced apprehensively at the Admiral�s closed door. �Actually, sir,� she confided apologetically, �Miss Cavanaugh is in there with him right now. I�m not sure how long-�
Before she could finish her sentence, the door to the Admiral�s office was flung open and Meredith came flying out, slamming it shut behind her. Without a word, she brushed by Harm and was halfway to the elevators before either of them could say a word. Harm and Jen exchanged a curious, concerned glance.
�Do you still want me to see if he has a minute, sir?� she asked him, her tone indicating what a bad idea she thought it would be. She was probably right; it was a pretty good bet that whatever had just happened in there had left AJ in just as foul a mood as Meredith. But Harm doubted that his mood would get any better as the day wore on, and he needed to make sure there was nothing he could do to help Mac at this point. He turned to Jen and nodded his head a little reluctantly. Jen shrugged her shoulders as if to say, �It�s your funeral�, and hit the intercom.
�Sir, Commander Rabb would like to see you.�
�Fine,� the Admiral practically growled, and Harm winced. �Send him in.�
Knowing it was too late to turn back, he took a deep breath, squared his shoulders, and headed into the lion�s den. He had barely gotten the door closed behind him when the Admiral looked up from his desk and snapped, �What is it, Commander?�
�Well, sir,� he said calmly, refusing to be intimidated by his CO�s harsh tone, �Mac told me about what happened, and I was just wondering if there was anything I can do to help?�
AJ took off his glasses and glared at him. �Commander,� he said with the exaggerated patience that always preceded a meltdown, �if there was something you could do to help, don�t you think I would have asked you to do it?�
�Of course, sir,� Harm apologized immediately, recognizing that he wasn�t going to get anywhere with the Admiral right now. It was time for a strategic withdrawal. �Excuse me, Admiral.�
He turned, but hadn�t made it more than two steps before AJ called him back.
�Sit down, Harm,� he said gruffly, waving at the chairs in front of his desk. �I�m the one who should apologize; that was uncalled for. And I do appreciate the offer,� he admitted, �but right now I don�t know what you could do.�
�Maybe lend a sympathetic ear? One guy to another?� It was a risky maneuver, trying to take the conversation to a more personal level, but after all the times in the past month that AJ had listened to him vent, Harm felt that he owed it to him to at least try and reciprocate. With that in mind, he took a chance and pushed a little further. �It looks like Meredith isn�t reacting too well to the whole situation.�
For a long moment, AJ just stared at him with that same hard expression, and Harm began to wonder if he was trying to decide whether to bring him up on charges. Then he sighed and leaned back in his chair.
�That, Commander,� he said ruefully, �would be a gross understatement.�
Relieved that the Admiral was willing to confide in him, but still unsure how far to take it, Harm asked hesitantly, �Do you have any idea why? I mean, no offense, sir, but her reaction does seem a little...extreme, considering the situation.�
�Well, unfortunately,� AJ told him, pinching the bridge of his nose in a vain attempt to stave off a headache, �this whole debacle with her engagement ring is not the situation Meredith is reacting to.�
�Sir?� Harm looked at him in confusion.
�This goes no further than this room,� AJ warned, and Harm immediately nodded his head in agreement. �Meredith has been behaving peculiarly ever since I told her about Mac�s condition,� he confided. �She kept asking me if she was okay, but when I suggested that she go visit Mac, she always came up with some excuse to put it off. Then on Sunday, when she mentioned joining me for lunch, I suggested that she ask Mac instead, because she would be back at work. And she went ballistic. Asked me how I could even think about letting Mac come back so soon after surgery. I told her that the doctor Okayed it, but that didn�t make a difference to her. She just said that doctors could be wrong. Then she accused me of caring more about unloading cases than I did about Mac�s health.�
�And that�s when I lost my temper,� he admitted regretfully. �I told her that she had no right to judge me, when she couldn�t even be bothered to talk to Mac.� He sighed and looked down at his hands. �That�s when she told me about her sister.�
�I didn�t know Meredith had a sister, sir.�
�Neither did I. She never mentioned her before Sunday.� He looked up, locking gazes with Harm. �It turns out her sister died four years ago.�
And with that one bit of information, Harm understood exactly what was going on. Because he knew without a doubt what Meredith�s sister had died from. �Breast cancer?�
�Mm hmm.� AJ confirmed. Unable to sit still any longer, he got up and went to look out the window. �And Meredith hasn�t gotten over it. Worse, she refuses to talk about it anymore, and she gets angry anytime I try to bring it up. That�s why she stormed out today. When I told her that I had asked Mac to look into what was happening with the diamond, she got upset again. She said it was because she hated the thought that she had been walking around with a stolen diamond, but I didn�t believe her.�
�You think that she�s focusing on the ring so that she won�t have to deal with what�s really upsetting her,� Harm guessed. AJ nodded.
�Yeah. And I made the mistake of saying so.� He shrugged his shoulders helplessly, �So now she�s angry with me again.�
�Sir, maybe if Mac talked to her-�
�Absolutely not,� AJ interrupted. Harm looked startled at the vehemence of his protest, so he tried to explain.
�Harm, despite what she might say, I don�t think Meredith is thinking about Mac at all.� He shook his head at the way that sounded, and clarified, �I mean, Mac is her friend and of course she�s worried and wants her to be all right, but that�s not where her focus is. She can�t seem to separate Mac�s illness from her sister�s. And no matter how many times I tell her that Mac�s going to be okay, that the doctors and the tests say that the cancer is gone and she�s just getting the radiation as a precaution, she refuses to believe me. She�s determined to believe that the doctors missed something, and that Mac�s going to die.�
�So until she can calm down and see things a little more rationally,� AJ said decisively, �I don�t want her to talk to Mac. I don�t want her to make Mac doubt what she knows and start fearing the worst all over again. It�s hard enough to maintain a positive outlook without having someone around being the voice of doom.�
�I understand.� The last thing Mac needed was more negativity in her life. Besides, there was another part of the equation that the Admiral hadn�t mentioned. If Mac found out that AJ and Meredith�s current problems had something to do with her cancer, then she would blame herself for it. And Harm was damned if he�d go down that road again.
�I figured you would.� AJ looked pointedly at Harm. �And you also understand why this conversation needs to remain between us?�
�Yes, sir.� He paused a moment, and then volunteered hesitantly, �Sir, I know I already said this, but if there�s anything I can do...�
�I�ll let you know,� AJ assured him. Then his voice took on the gruff tone that signaled an end to the conversation. �In the meantime, don�t you have a deposition to take care of today? Or did you decide to reschedule it again?�
�No, sir,� he replied formally, taking his cue from the Admiral to return things to JAG business, �It�ll be done by the end of the day.�
�Then I guess you�d better go make sure you�re ready.� He sat back at his desk and slipped his glasses back on. Harm recognized the move as a dismissal, so he stood and came to attention in front of the desk.
�Aye, aye, sir,� he responded sharply, and made his way to the door. Right before he opened it, the Admiral called out to him.
�Harm?� Harm turned around, his hand on the knob. �Thanks.�
He smiled. �You�re welcome, sir,� he responded simply, and quietly walked out of the room.
�Hey, it�s me,� she said warmly. �I just wanted to let you know that I finished with Van Dyne and I�m on my way home. I have to stop by the office to let the Admiral know what I found out, so I thought I�d pick up something for dinner. Call me when you get this and let me know what you want. Love you.�
Mac ended the call, and was just putting her phone back into her purse, when a familiar sardonic voice spoke up from behind her.
�Very touching, Colonel.� Mac turned around to see Clayton Webb leaning casually against a wall. �Hello, Sarah.�
�Hello, Webb,� she answered. She wasn�t surprised to see him; in fact, she had been half-expecting him to show up from the minute she had signed in at the desk. She had even prepared what she would say to him, but seeing him standing in front of her made her forget every word. So she decided to start with the normal pleasantries. �How are you?�
�Couldn�t be better,� he answered grandly, sliding a hand down the jacket of his traditional three-piece suit. �Fully recovered and back doing what I do best.�
She tried to hide her surprise at that news. �I didn�t know you were back in the field.�
�No, I don�t expect you did,� he said, unable to keep a hint of bitterness from seeping into his words. �I don�t expect you cared.�
�I cared, Clay,� she said gently, �I still do.�
�You have a funny way of showing it,� he remarked. He tapped his finger against his chin and pretended to search his memory for something. �I don�t seem to recall any letters or phone calls or visits for quite some time.�
�That was your choice, Webb. Not mine.� Mac was sorry for what he had gone through, but she wasn�t going to apologize for the way things had turned out. She had been as honest with him as she knew how to be; that was something he couldn�t say in return. But it was obvious from his stance and the belligerent tone to his voice that he didn�t see it that way.
�Not mine, either, Sarah. Or did you not know about the little visit your newest knight in shining armor paid me in the hospital?� he asked pointedly, referring to Sturgis� conversation with him in the hospital.
�You know that I did. You made sure of that when you wrote me that letter.� She sighed, not wanting to get into this with him. She was tired and sore, and she just wanted to go home. But she had told him the truth, she still cared about him, and she could tell that he was not as fine as he seemed. �What is it that you want from me, Webb?�
�I�m not sure,� he admitted, before adding sarcastically, �but it certainly wasn�t to hear you leaving sappy messages for Rabb. I guess you finally found the perfect man, didn�t you?�
�No, not perfect,� she responded honestly. �Just good. And good for me.�
�Which I wouldn�t have been,� he shot back. He took a couple of steps toward her, and Mac figured out exactly why he wasn�t fine. She recognized the slight wobble in his step, the redness in his eyes, and the slightest of slurs in his voice. Webb was drunk.
�I didn�t say that, Clay,� she told him, feeling a wave of pity for him and the pain he was obviously still carrying with him. Something of what she was thinking must have shown on her face, and he grew more upset.
�Come off it, Sarah,� he spat angrily, �You didn�t have to say it. I can see it all over your face. So why don�t you just admit it? You don�t think I�m good enough for you.�
�I don�t think that,� she told him. She knew that talking to him right now was probably useless, but she had to try. �I just don�t think we would have been good for each other.�
�We could have had something, Sarah,� he told her, and her heart broke a little at the pain in his voice. �We could have had something, but you never gave us a chance.�
�Yeah, we could have had something, Clay,� she shocked him by agreeing with him. �And for a while, it might even have been good. But only for a while,� she added. She gave him a sad, knowing smile. �Only until we realized that it could never work. Not just because of the way we came together, but because we wouldn�t have fit together. We could have tried to make it work, but in the end we would have failed.�
�How can you be so sure? Oh, wait, let me guess � Harm.�
�Harm has nothing to do with it, Webb,� Mac sighed. She should have known it would come down to this; it always did. But she was telling him the truth; with or without Harm in the picture, she and Clay could never have made it work. But Clay, like every other man in her life, chose to ignore that and place all the blame at Harm�s feet.
�He has everything to do with it, Mac. He always has,� Webb said, and Mac was shocked at the resentment in his tone. �He�s finally convinced you that you can�t live without him. But how long do you really think he can make you happy, Sarah? What do you think is going to happen the first time things go wrong; the first time Harm has to deal with something bigger then who forgot to take out the garbage, or where to go on your honeymoon?�
He took another step, invading her personal space, but Mac didn�t give him the satisfaction of flinching. �You said it yourself,� he reminded her with cruel satisfaction, �that he would run right over you, and he will; over you and right out the door the moment things get hard.�
Mac took a deep breath and tried to remain calm. This was the alcohol talking, not Clay. Still, she wasn�t going to let him get away with disparaging her relationship with Harm. �You don�t know what you�re talking about, Webb.�
�I know Rabb,� he stated with a smug little smile. �He�s great at swooping in to save the day, but when it gets real, when it gets rough, he runs.�
Mac looked at him, standing so close in front of her with his smug smile and his arms crossed arrogantly over his chest, and suddenly it didn�t matter if it was Clay or the alcohol talking. He had no right to talk about her relationship with Harm like he was some kind of expert, to take a comment she made when she and Harm were in a bad place and try and make it fit their entire relationship. Not when he had abused her trust and friendship by trying to guilt her into a relationship, and then abandoned her when he realized that it wasn�t going to work. She still remembered what it was like to walk into that hospital room only to find a note on the bed; remembered the fear and the anger and the despair when she had believed that she was alone. He was the one who ran when things got real; not Harm.
�Tell me, Clay,� she asked in a conversational tone that belied just how angry she was, �just how do you define the term rough? Is losing your job rough? Is dealing with an abandoned fifteen-year-old rough?� She leaned forward until she was the one invading his personal space, forcing him to take a step back. He looked up and found her staring coldly at him, and when she spoke again, her voice was hard and unforgiving.
�Is finding out that the woman you love, the woman you just bought a house with and wanted to have children with, is finding out that she has breast cancer rough?�
All the color drained from Webb�s face, and he took another stumbling step backwards. For one brief moment, he thought, he hoped, that she was lying; that she was trying to make him feel guilty. But one look at her face told him she was telling the truth.
�Sarah, I didn�t know-� he started to stammer an apology, but she wouldn�t let him finish.
�You don�t know anything,� she hissed, her body now shaking with rage. Her hands clenched into tight fists as she fought the urge to lash out at him physically. �You don�t know what it�s like to have to deal with all of the doctors and all of the tests. To have to spend days, weeks, wondering and waiting and worrying. You don�t know what it�s like to deal with surgeries and stitches and scars. But Harm does.�
She saw shame and regret fill Clay�s eyes, and her rage cooled a little. But she didn�t stop; she wanted to make sure he understood exactly how wrong he was, about everything. �Harm�s been there every step of the way, and he knows exactly how painful, how rough, it can get. And guess what, Webb? He�s still here. Not running over me or away from me, but right next to me. Exactly where I need and want him to be.�
And with that final declaration, she was done - with the conversation, and with Clayton Webb. Without another word, she slid her purse strap more securely onto her shoulder and headed for the door. She had only taken a couple of steps when Clay found his voice and called after her. She stopped, but didn�t turn around.
�I�m sorry, Sarah,� he said, and she heard the sincerity in his voice, and the regret. �I didn�t mean...I�m sorry.�
�So am I, Clay,� she told him sadly, still not facing him. And she was sorry. Sorry that after eight years, after everything that they�d been through in Paraguay, that her relationship with this man had ended this way. And she knew that this was the end of her friendship with Webb. Even if he stopped drinking and got his life together, even if he accepted her relationship with Harm, she still wouldn�t be able to trust him. And she couldn�t have friendship without trust.
�If there�s anything I can do,� Clay offered hesitantly, knowing as he said it that even if there was, she wouldn�t accept his help now. She confirmed that with a shake of her head as she resumed her course. But right before she reached the doorway leading to the bank of elevators that would take her out of Langley and out of his life, she stopped and turned around.
�There is something you can do for me,� she told him solemnly, and he stepped forward eagerly, ready to do whatever she asked.
�Name it.�
�You can get some help, Clay.� He froze, his entire body assuming a defensive posture. �They might not see it yet, but I do. And if you keep going the way you are, eventually they�ll see it, too.�
�I don�t know what you mean,� he tried unconvincingly to lie to her.
�Yes, you do,� she countered, an understanding look in her eye. �Remember, I�ve been where you are. More than once. And the longer you wait to get help, the harder it�s going to be. Your body might be healed Clay, but you�re not. You�re still in pain, and you can�t ignore that forever. You can�t wish it away.� Her eyes locked with his and wouldn�t let him go. �And you can�t drink it away. Get some help, Clay. Get better. That�s what you can do for me.�
And without waiting for a reply, she pushed through the doors and out of his life. It was up to him now to decide how much his health and happiness were worth to him. She couldn�t help with that. She had her own health to worry about � her health, but not her happiness. Because she had Harm.
She walked up to the nearest elevator and jabbed the down button, sending up a silent thank you when the light flashed and the doors opened right away. Sliding into the elevator, she pressed the button for the lobby, and then just to be sure Webb couldn�t follow, pushed the door close button. The doors quickly shut, and Mac breathed a sigh of relief. Leaning back against the wall, she tilted her head back and closed her eyes, taking advantage of the solitude to try and process what had just happened.
Unfortunately, the harder she tried to get a handle on it, the more it slipped through her fingers. She just couldn�t stop thinking about what might have been; what would have happened if Sturgis hadn�t noticed she was in trouble, if Harm had taken her at her word and walked away. By the time she�d turned in her visitor�s badge and made it outside, the memories of Paraguay and its aftermath were starting to overwhelm her, and she could feel the beginnings of a panic attack.
The first time she had a panic attack after Sadik died was the first day that Harm had gone back to work and she�d been left alone in his apartment. It had been worse than anything she�d experienced before, mostly because she had thought that the attacks would die with Sadik. She had wondered briefly if she was finally going crazy, but Chaplain Turner had explained to her that the aftereffects of her ordeal would linger for a while. They had eventually faded, but every now and then they would reemerge and throw her off-balance all over again. Like now.
Mac realized that she needed to stop and calm herself down before it got any worse. She sat down on the closest bench, taking deep breaths and letting the icy winter air brace her. After a few minutes, her heart stopped racing and her mind began to clear. She was just about back to normal when her phone rang and startled her all over again. Fumbling through her purse, she pulled out her phone and saw Harm�s cell number come up on her caller ID. She took another deep breath and forced herself to relax. Just before the call rolled over to voice mail, she answered it with a breathless hello.
�Hey, it�s me,� Harm�s voice came cheerfully from the other end of the phone.
�Hey,� she responded a little shakily. She tried to cover. �All done with the deposition?�
�Yep,� Harm replied. If he noticed that something was off, he didn�t say anything. �And the Admiral�s letting me secure a little early, so I�ll make dinner. What are you in the mood for?�
�Whatever you want is fine,� she told him hastily. Realizing she was still sitting on the bench, she quickly got up and made her way to her car.
�Hmm. I guess that means I can pull out the tofu,� he teased. He waited for the obligatory threat to his life, and when it didn�t come, he started to get concerned. Listening more carefully, he could hear the catch in her breathing, and he wondered what had happened between her call and his. �Mac? What�s the matter? Where are you?�
She paused for a minute, and then admitted, �I�m still at Langley, on my way to the car.� Before Harm could ask why she hadn�t already left, she added quietly, �I had a...loose end to tie up.�
It only took Harm a few seconds to figure out what she meant, and when he did, all he could do was utter a quiet, �Oh.� He had known that there was a chance that she would run into Webb, but he had been hoping that she could avoid it, for all their sakes.
He waited a few minutes, wondering if she was going to tell him what happened, and if he really wanted to hear it. But when he realized that she wasn�t going to volunteer anymore, he decided that they needed to talk about it, so he took a deep breath and asked, �How did it go?�
She had obviously been waiting for the question, because she didn�t hesitate before replying.
�It wasn�t pleasant, but it�s over,� she told him stoically. He was debating whether or not to push the issue now or wait until she got home when he heard her softly call his name. �Harm?�
�Yeah, Mac?�
�Thank you,� she whispered, fighting back tears. Harm was confused, unsure of what she was thanking him for.
�Me? What did I do?�
�Nothing. Everything,� she choked out. A few tears trickled down her face, and she swiped them away in frustration. This was the last place she wanted to deal with this, so she tried to brush it off. �I�m sorry; I�m being silly. And I�m at the car, so I need to get on the road or I won�t get home �til midnight.�
�It won�t hurt to wait a few minutes,� Harm countered immediately. �Stop and take a breath, Mac.�
�Harm-�
�Mac,� he cut off her protest gently, �Just get in the car, and sit down for a minute and relax, okay?�
Since she was already unlocking the door, she decided to acquiesce. �Okay,� she said, sliding into the driver�s seat before shutting and locking the door. �I�m in the car.�
�Good.� After he heard her take a few deep breaths, he demanded gently, �Now tell me what�s going on in that head of yours, Marine.�
�He�s drinking, Harm.� This time when the tears started falling, she didn�t try to stop them. �He said he was fine, but I could smell the alcohol on his breath, and I could see that look in his eyes. I know that look.�
�I know you do,� he said softly, his heart breaking a little at the pain in her voice. He knew how hard it must be for her to know that someone she cared about was drinking. But despite the rush of sympathy he felt for Webb, he felt compelled to add, �But this isn�t your fault, Mac. You aren�t responsible for him or his drinking.�
�I know that, Harm.� She could hear the disbelief in his silence, and insisted, �I do. It�s just, when I look at him, I realize that it could have been me. Harm, it could so easily have been me.�
�No, it couldn�t, Mac,� he argued. She had fallen off the wagon once before, and she knew that it didn�t solve anything; he didn�t believe she would have done it again. But she did.
�Yes it could,� she insisted tearfully. �It took me a long time to get over what happened in Paraguay, and what happened after. Time, and a lot of sessions with Chaplain Turner.� She bit her lip and added almost inaudibly, �And even now, every once in a while I still feel...�
�I know, Mac,� he said softly when she trailed off. She didn�t wake up screaming anymore, but he knew the nightmares had never completely gone away. Still...�But you fought through it.�
�Yeah,� she conceded, �but I had you. And Sturgis and his father. And later I had the Admiral and Bud and Harriet. If I hadn�t, I don�t know if I would have made it through.�
�Well, I know,� he responded without hesitation. �You would have made it through, Sarah,� he told her confidently, �It might have been harder and taken longer, but eventually you would have made it. You�re too strong to let someone like Sadik win.�
She shook her head, awed by the depth of this man�s belief in her strength and abilities. �I wish I had your confidence,� she admitted with a rueful smile, and her eyes once again filled with tears at his response.
�You do have it, Mac. Always.� He gave her a moment to let that sink in, and then another moment to finish recovering her composure, before asking, �You okay now?�
�Yeah.� She sniffled a little, but her voice was strong. He shook his head with a smile; her ability to bounce back from the bad things in her life never ceased to amaze him.
�Good.� He said gently, and then without missing a beat, asked with mock frustration, �So are you gonna tell me what you want for dinner, or do I have to break out the tofu?�
Mac stifled a laugh at his question. She was grateful that he had talked her through what was bothering her, and that he recognized that it was time to change the subject. Still, she felt compelled to remind him of the consequences of cooking with tofu. �Try it and you�ll be eating lunch at Beltway Burgers for a month.�
�Heaven forbid,� he shuddered, before offering, �How does veggie lasagna sound?�
She smiled happily. �It sounds wonderful.� He heard the smile in her voice, and responded with one of his own.
�Then I�ll run by the store and pick up what I need while you talk to the Admiral, and with any luck, I�ll have dinner on the table when you get home.�
�Well, if we have any hope of that happening,� she told him seriously, looking out at the setting sun, �I�m going to have to leave now.�
�Okay.� And then, even though he knew he was pushing it, he added, �You sure you�re okay to drive?�
She shook her head and smiled. Some things never changed. �I�m sure,� she reassured him, her voice indulgent. �I�ll see you soon. Love you.�
�Love you, too,� he told her, and she could hear the smile on his face even after he�d hung up the phone. Shaking off the last of her worry and unhappiness, she started the car, turned the radio up as loud as she could, and headed for home.
January 9, 2004
JAG Headquarters
1145 EST
Mac closed the file on her desk and sat back with a sigh. Not a sigh full of the satisfaction that came from finishing a difficult job, but more of a sigh that spoke of the complete and utter boredom that came from doing the simplest and most menial tasks imaginable. Because that�s exactly what she was doing, and had been doing the entire week since she got back. And it was annoying the hell out of her.
CIA Headquarters
Langley, VA
1640 EST
Mac walked out of Agent Van Dyne�s office and tried not to slam the door behind her. The man had been pleasant enough during their first meeting, but he had grated on her nerves today. She knew he knew more than he was saying, but he felt compelled to play the traditional Agency cloak and dagger games with her. Still, he�d given her someplace to start, and that would have to be enough. She would go report what little she knew to the Admiral, and then she would go home and toss a few theories back and forth with Harm during dinner. With that in mind, she pulled out her cell phone and called Harm. She knew that he was probably still in his meeting, so she wasn�t surprised when her call rolled through to his voice mail. She felt a familiar smile as she listened to the message. It never failed to amuse her how a man with so much personality could sound so dull and humorless on the phone. Although she supposed that it was just a military thing, and that she sounded much the same way.