The Next Conflicting Phase
Part Sixteen
�Why don�t you let me fold those?� she offered quietly. �You don�t want them to get wrinkled.�
�I don�t care if they get wrinkled,� he muttered sullenly, but he pushed the suitcase close enough for her to reach and went to the closet to grab another uniform. Scooting to the edge of the bed, she tucked a leg underneath her and began carefully folding and stacking his clothes. As Harm came back towards the bed with a uniform draped over his arm, he stopped for just a moment to watch her; the way her hair fell softly around her face as she leaned forward, the gracefulness in her hands as they carefully laid the newly folded clothes back in the suitcase. He admired the way the jeans and soft pink blouse she had changed into clung to her curves, and thought about how much fun it would be to take advantage of this unexpected time alone to try and get her back out of them. Then he looked down at his suitcase and remembered why they were home early, and felt the helpless frustration rise in him again.
�Damn it!� he swore as he threw the uniform down onto the bed. Mac looked up at him, startled, as he flung his hands in the air and asked angrily, �Why the hell did the Admiral have to assign this to me?�
Mac sighed. He�d asked the same question in various forms a dozen times since Chegwidden had called him into his office two hours and twenty-seven minutes ago. And each time she had given the same answer that she gave him now. �Because Secnav wanted the best,� she said gently, �And that�s you.�
�He wouldn�t need me if he would have just ignored the whole thing,� Harm countered. Even though he understood in the abstract what Sheffield was trying to accomplish, Harm didn�t think that answering the war crimes charges the International Criminal Court had brought against him was the best way for the Secnav to earn back some of the goodwill the U.S. had lost when they�d invaded Iraq. It was risky and foolish, and most importantly of all, at least in Harm�s mind, it was taking him away from the woman he loved a little over a week before she was scheduled to start radiation treatments.
�I agree with you, Harm. And so does the Admiral. But the Secnav is determined to go through with it, and there�s nothing anyone can do to change his mind.� She shrugged helplessly. �So unless you�re planning to resign again, in which case I would have to kill you myself, then you have no choice but to take the assignment.�
�I can�t accept that, Mac. There has to be a way for me to get out of this.� He shoved his uniform out of the way and flopped down on the other side of the bed, sitting with his back to her. �Hell, it�s not like I�m the only lawyer in the whole United States capable of doing the job.�
�That�s true,� Mac conceded as she turned around, before adding with an impish grin, �But we�ve already established that I can�t go.�
Harm looked over his shoulder and glared at her. �I�m serious, Mac. There has to be someone else who could take this assignment.�
�I�m sure there is. But the Admiral chose you, and the Secnav agreed.� Mac sighed when Harm just turned back around and stared out the window. Shifting onto her knees, she crawled over to him and wrapped her arms around his neck.
�Harm, I know you don�t want to go. I don�t want you to go, either,� she admitted softly, laying her cheek against his shoulder. �But we don�t have a choice. The orders have been given, and you have to follow them. There�s no way to get out of it.�
�I could apply for emergency family leave,� Harm suggested, but Mac shook her head, knowing that it wouldn�t do him any good.
�You wouldn�t get it. Co-habitation doesn�t automatically mean we�re family. At least not to the Navy. We�d have to be married.�
�So let�s get married,� he blurted out without thinking. He felt Mac tense and pull away from him, and suddenly realized what he�d just implied. He swore silently to himself. Turning to face her, he winced when he saw her glaring at him incredulously, her hands planted angrily on her hips.
�Excuse me?� Mac�s voice was low and dangerous as she narrowed her eyes at the man she loved and tried to decide how much bodily harm she could inflict on him without actually killing him. After all, she was reasonable enough to realize that she would eventually get over her anger at his utter obliviousness and lack of anything resembling romance. Eventually. Someday. A long, long time from now. Maybe.
Harm meanwhile, desperately trying to find a way out of the hole he had just dug, explained hastily, �Mac, I wasn�t thinking-�
She cut him off before he could say more. �No kidding,� she snorted derisively. �I kind of figured that out for myself. Because if you had been thinking, you would have realized immediately what a colossally stupid thing that was to say.�
�Gee thanks, Mac,� he shot back defensively. �I mean, I know these aren�t exactly the ideal circumstances to propose, but you don�t have to make it sound like a fate worse than death.�
�Oh, no,� she countered indignantly, jabbing a finger against his chest, �You are not putting this on me. Because first of all, you didn�t propose, you announced. And you didn�t do it because you loved me, and you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me; you did it because you wanted to get out of doing your job!�
�That is not what I meant and you know it!� He argued heatedly. �I admit that it wasn�t the best way to broach the subject, and it was probably the worst timing in the world, but you know me better than to think that I would suggest marriage just so that I could get out of going on this assignment. When we get married, under whatever circumstances, it will only be because I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you!�
Sometime during his impassioned tirade, Harm had risen from the bed, and he towered over her now with his arms folded over his chest, fully prepared to do battle. But when he looked down, he found that she no longer seemed angry. In fact, instead of looking like she was trying to decide where to hide the body, she was staring up at him with a look of shock and wonder on her face.
�What?� he asked warily, confused by her abrupt turnaround in mood. He was even more confused by her response to his question.
�When,� was all she said as she looked up at him expectantly. Harm looked back at her, utterly bewildered.
�Huh?�
�You said �when we get married,�� she explained softly, her eyes full of hope. �Not if.�
Harm thought back, and realized that he did indeed say �when� and not �if�. He felt a momentary twinge of panic, and started to consider how he could possibly take back what he�d said, when he realized something else. He didn�t want to take it back.
�Yeah, I did,� he said, a slow grin spreading over his face.
�Why?� All of Mac�s hurt and frustration at his impromptu proposal had been washed away by the sudden wave of happiness that his words had flooded her with, but she still needed to know what he was thinking.
He sat down next to her on the bed and gently took her hands. �Because I guess I just assumed that that�s where we were heading, Mac. Because I want to marry you, and I was hoping that you wanted to marry me.�
It was what she wanted, wanted desperately, but she could feel her doubts taking hold, telling her that him wanting the same thing was too good to be true. �You want to marry me?� she repeated hesitantly.
�Yes, I want to marry you. You know that.� But as he watched her flush and lower her gaze to the carpet, he came to a stunning realization. Despite his declarations of love, the fact that he�d bought a house with her, and the many times he�d told her he didn�t want to ever live without her, Mac wasn�t sure he wanted to marry her.
�You didn�t know that, did you?� he asked incredulously. �You really didn�t know?�
Mac shook her head. �I wished,� she answered softly without lifting her head, picking at some imaginary lint on the bed, �But I didn�t know. And I was afraid to hope.�
He shook his head; it never ceased to amaze him how someone so wonderful could so doubt her own worth. �Come here,� he said softly, tugging on her hands until she was close enough to wrap his arms around her. He kissed her forehead and reassured gently, �Of course I want to marry you, Sarah. You�re the only woman I�ve ever wanted to marry; the only one I could picture spending the rest of my life with. And not because I�m trying to get out of an assignment. That�s not what I meant.�
�What did you mean?� she asked, not upset anymore, just honestly curious.
�Mac, I wasn�t kidding before. I just assumed, especially after we bought the house, that we were going to get married someday. So when you said that we�d have to get married, it seemed like a valid idea. I mean, since we were going to get married anyway, why not now? Then I wouldn�t have to leave you; I could be here when you started your treatments.� He pulled her into his lap and held on tightly. �I promised that you wouldn�t ever have to deal with this alone, and I figured that this would be the best way of keeping my promise. Permanently.�
She stared up at him in disbelief for a moment before shaking her head with a smirk. �Harm, that is the most ridiculous, idiotic, completely male explanation I�ve ever heard.� Then the smirk softened to a smile as she reached up to caress his cheek. �It�s also probably the sweetest thing you�ve ever said to me.�
�Yeah?� He gave her a self-deprecating little grin. �Guess that�s not really saying much, is it?�
�It says a lot,� she told him seriously, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him down for a kiss.
He flashed her his best lost puppy look when they pulled apart, and asked hopefully, �So does that mean you forgive me?�
She pretended to think about it for a while, before sighing dramatically. �Hmm. I suppose so,� she said with a teasing grin. Then her smile faded a little and she asked seriously, �Harm, can I ask you something? When is when?�
�Huh?�
�When we�re going to get married,� she explained quickly, not wanting to start that again. �When exactly is that?�
�Well,� he said slowly, trying to draw out the suspense, �that all depends.�
�On what?�
He flashed her his cockiest grin. �On when I propose.� She rolled her eyes at him, so he added challengingly, �Unless you want to do it, of course.�
She immediately shook her head. �Nope. That�s your job.� She laid her head on his shoulder and began fiddling idly with the buttons on his shirt. �So when are you going to propose?�
He slid his hand under her chin and tilted her face up to his. �When you know without a shadow of a doubt that the only reason I�m proposing is because I love you, and want to spend my life with you,� he told her seriously, not wanting there to ever be a question in her mind about his motives for marrying her. Then, because he thought they�d been serious for long enough, he added with a mischievous twinkle in his eye, �Now, ideally, I�d say I�d propose when you�ve forgotten all about this conversation,� he grinned widely at her, �but I don�t want to wait so long that we need canes to walk down the aisle together.�
�Conversation? What conversation?� she asked innocently. �Were we having a conversation?�
Harm chuckled. �Nice try, marine,� he told her, giving her a little tap on the nose. �But you�re just going to have to be patient.� He raked his eyes over her and murmured huskily, �I�ll make it worth your while.�
One eyebrow rose disbelievingly. �How�s that?� she challenged.
�I�ll show you.�
He cupped her face in his hands and pressed his lips to hers. She responded immediately, sliding her hands around his neck and pulling him closer. It wasn�t close enough, though, and she soon found herself straddling his waist, her chest pressed tightly against his as he trailed kisses down her throat, flicking his tongue lightly over her neck.
Harm could feel the heat of his desire flooding through him, and his hands clutched at her desperately. He wanted to slow this down, to take his time, but there wasn�t any time to spare. He would be leaving in just a few hours, for God knew how long, and he desperately needed this time with her before he left. He needed something to hold onto while he was bunking in his lonely bed thousands of miles away.
Mac felt the same need clawing at her, the same desperation to connect with him in the short time they had before he had to leave. But even as she tilted her head to the side to give him better access to her neck, she could feel an all too familiar knot of anxiety forming in the pit of her stomach. Desperately trying to push it away, she began running her hands over his chest, praying as her fingers fumbled with the buttons of his shirt that he would mistake her nerves for desire. She had just gotten the last button undone, and was in the process of pushing his shirt off of his chest, when Harm slipped his own hands under her blouse. And the moment she felt Harm�s fingers brush against her breasts, she froze in his arms.
Harm felt the sudden tension in her frame and immediately pulled away, biting back a frustrated sigh. He should have known better than to get carried away; should have been prepared for her to back away again. After all, this was the fourth time since she�d been released from the hospital that they�d tried to make love, and the fourth time that she�d frozen up when he touched her. She had no problem with kissing, and they had even done some pretty heavy necking in front of the fireplace on a couple of occasions, but every time he tried to take things further, she tensed up and shut down.
Except for the last time. The last time she decided that it didn�t matter if she was ready or not, she would finish what they started. But Harm knew her too well, and it hadn�t taken him long to realize that the reason she kept her head turned away from him was because she didn�t want him to see the apprehension and discomfort in her eyes. And when he did realize it, he was furious with her. He couldn�t believe that she would ever think that he would want her to make love to him out of some sort of sense of obligation, and he�d made her swear up and down that she�d never do it again. But knowing that she was keeping her promise wasn�t making him feel any less disappointed and frustrated right now, it just made him more determined not to let her see it.
Mac watched, nervously biting her lip, as the conflicting emotions played across Harm�s face. She wanted to say something to make things better, to make him understand that she didn�t mean to act this way, but she couldn�t find the words. And with every second that passed, the silence grew more oppressive until she finally just blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
�You need to finish packing or you�ll miss your flight.�
It was a lame excuse, but it was the only thing she had; right now she would say anything to get them out of this awkward situation. And if his immediate agreement was any proof, Harm felt exactly the same way. She could see he was trying hard to mask the disappointment that he felt, and it only increased her discomfort and unhappiness. Unable to face him any longer, she quickly scooted away from him and off of the bed. Nervously offering to go down to the kitchen to make him something to eat, he barely had a chance to say okay before she was out of the bedroom door and headed down the stairs.
The minute she was out of sight, Harm fell wearily back onto the bed, throwing an arm across his face as he tried to figure out how to deal with this. He had known this could happen; Joe had warned him that the surgery and resulting scar would leave her feeling unattractive and insecure. But Harm hadn�t been prepared for just how much of an issue it was going to be. He had thought it would be like it was when they first became lovers, not long after she�d been released from the hospital last summer. She�d had a scar then, too, and she had been a little uncomfortable the first time she let him see it. But he had explained to her that he didn�t find her less attractive because of it; in fact, it made him love her all the more, because every time he saw that scar, he remembered that she had gotten it saving his life. After that, it wasn�t an issue; and he didn�t think this scar would be any different. He guessed it was because he was a man, but there really wasn�t any difference to him, and he wished she could see it the same way. Because every day the distance between them grew a little, and he didn�t know how to stop it.
It wasn�t just the lack of sex, although he admitted that was part of it; he was getting a little tired of taking cold showers in the middle of winter. But more than that, it was the lack of intimacy. He missed being able to hold her and touch her, to show her physically how much he loved her. He missed being able to just walk up and put his arms around her, without having to worry that she would misunderstand his intentions and pull away. He just missed her, and he didn�t know what to do about that. There was even a very small part of him that was grateful for this assignment; he hoped that the distance between them would help put things into perspective for both of them. Because he was tired of missing her.
Meanwhile, Mac was downstairs in the kitchen, slicing an onion for Harm�s sandwich and wishing she could blame it for the tears welling behind her eyes. Way to go, Sarah, she berated herself as she grabbed a tomato from the basket on the counter and started cutting it. How could you do that to him again? How could you let it get that far, only to shut him down again? It�s not fair. It�s not fair to get him so excited and then not follow through. You�re leading him on, acting like a goddamn tease, and he deserves better from you. He deserves better than you.
And that thought, that doubt, was what kept her pulling away from him. The thought that he did deserve better than a woman who wasn�t whole anymore, a woman with yet another scar marring her body and her soul. She tried to fight the doubt, the fear that he would see her breast and be repulsed, but she just couldn�t seem to get past it. And every time she tried, she just led them back here to the same place, leaving them both frustrated and miserable. But she didn�t know what else to do. She had tried once to push aside her doubts and fears long enough to follow through, to give him what he needed, and that had backfired spectacularly on her. So she kept her promise to him not to make love until she was ready. But as the days passed and the intimate moments grew shorter and farther apart, she wondered if she would ever be ready; and what would happen to them if she wouldn�t.
Mac was so busy castigating herself for her inadequacies that she didn�t notice that Harm had come down the stairs and into the kitchen until he softly called out her name. Startled, she jerked around in surprise, managing to slice her finger in the process.
Harm heard her hiss of pain and moved immediately to her side. Grabbing hold of her hand, he dragged her to the sink and turned on the faucet, placing her hand underneath the water before reaching under the sink for the first aid kit. After he�d cleaned and put a band-aid on the cut, he started to release her hand, but she wouldn�t let him go. So he just stood there silently, awkwardly, trying to figure out what he was supposed to say. He was just about to apologize for startling her when Mac spoke for the first time since he�d entered the kitchen.
�I�m sorry,� she whispered as she stared down at their hands, unable to look him in the eye. �I don�t mean to be such a...tease.�
�You�re not a tease. Look at me,� he demanded when she tried to turn away. He slid his hands up to her face and cupped it in his palms. �You are not a tease. You�re just not ready yet, and there�s nothing wrong with that. Nothing.�
�But-�
�No buts,� Harm told her gently, brushing a thumb over her lower lip. �Mac, I told you. I�d rather have you pull away a hundred times than keep going even though you�re not ready, just because you think you have to fulfill some obligation to me. I don�t want us to make love until you want it, too.�
�But I do want it, Harm,� she insisted urgently, placing her hands atop his and squeezing tightly. �I want to make love to you, to feel that close to you again, but I just can�t seem to stop myself from shutting down. And now you�re leaving for who knows how long, and I wanted this, wanted us to have this. To have something to hold onto while we�re apart, and instead I�ve gone and ruined it again.�
Harm shook his head and pulled her into his arms. �Sarah, don�t do this,� he pleaded softly with her. �You haven�t ruined anything. You haven�t done anything wrong, so stop trying to punish yourself. Please. I�m going to be worried enough about you as it is; don�t make me worry that you�re sitting here at home berating yourself on top of everything else.�
Mac hesitated for a long moment before finally nodding her head. �Okay,� she sighed wearily, and leaned her head against his shoulder for a minute, before saying reluctantly, �We should...we should get going if you�re going to make your transport. Are you ready?�
�No,� he said solemnly, then added with a sly little wink, �But I�m packed, if that�s what you�re asking.�
She rolled her eyes at him and nudged him with her elbow. �Yes, that�s what I�m asking, smart-ass. Let me finish your sandwich and then we can get on the road.�
�I don�t know,� he hesitated, keeping his arms around her and peering over her shoulder, �Are you sure you didn�t bleed on it?�
�I�m sure,� she assured him with a glare. �But if you don�t knock it off, you�re going to bleed on it.�
�Knocking it off now.� He backed up in surrender, grinning widely. �Why don�t I go put my bags in the car while you finish that up?�
�Why don�t you?� she agreed, shaking her head in mock exasperation. She waited until he left the room before leaning against the counter and taking a minute to calm down and clear her head. Now was not the time for her to fall apart on him, so she took a couple of deep breaths to get her emotions under control before finishing her task and following Harm out to the car.
Mac drove while Harm had polished off his sandwich and a piece of fruit, and then she watched silently as his mood got darker and darker with every passing mile. She knew that he was still upset at the thought of leaving her, and she also knew that the best thing to do would be to wait for him to bring it up to see if he wanted to talk about it anymore. She had just reached the airport exit sign, and was convinced that he wasn�t going to say anything, when he finally spoke.
�I don�t want to do this, Mac. I don�t want to leave you.�
�I know. I don�t want you to leave, either. But I�ll be all right, Harm,� she assured him. �You don�t have to worry about me. The radiation isn�t going to hurt, and the chance of encountering any serious side effects is pretty much non-existent. I�ll be okay until you get back.�
�I know that, but I should still be here. You shouldn�t have to go through this alone.�
�I�m not alone,� she insisted. �The Admiral and Sturgis and Bud and Harriet will all be here if I need them.�
�It�s not the same.� Harm knew that their friends would be there as much as they could, but they all had their own lives. They could take her to appointments and pick her up; maybe they could even come over to the house and cook her dinner sometimes. But they couldn�t be with her all the time like he could. They couldn�t make sure she didn�t overdo things at home, couldn�t make sure she was eating right all the time, couldn�t hold her close each night until she was able to fall asleep. Those were the things that he was supposed to do for her. But he couldn�t tell her that. She was right; he didn�t have a choice in this. And he didn�t want to make things worse by reminding her of all the things she wouldn�t have while he was gone.
Mac didn�t need any reminders, though. She was fully aware of how lonely and empty the nights ahead were going to be without him. And she knew already that she wouldn�t get any sleep while he was gone. She was too used to curling into his warm body at night, into lulling herself to sleep to the soothing sound of his heartbeat as she laid her head against his chest; the silence of the empty house would be deafening to her. It scared her to think of being alone like that for any length of time, so much so that she would have invited someone to stay with her while Harm was gone, if she�d had anyone to invite. But the only person she could think to ask was Meredith, and that wasn�t a possibility now that she and the Admiral had broken off their engagement for reasons that neither one would say. Everyone else had their own lives, which left Mac to make it through the endless nights alone.
Determined not to let Harm see her fear and worry all the more, Mac smiled bravely at him and said, �I know it�s not the same, Harm, but it�ll be okay. I can handle being on my own for the few weeks that you�ll be gone.�
They had reached the airport, and Mac quickly maneuvered the Lexus to the curb. Putting the car in park, she unbuckled her seatbelt and turned to him. �Please try not to worry so much. You need to focus on the case, or you�re never going to get out of Europe. And I don�t want you to be gone one more minute than necessary. Understood?�
�Yes, ma�am,� he responded, grinning, before asking seriously, �You�ll call me if anything happens?�
�Yes,� she agreed solemnly.
�And you�ll e-mail me every day so that I know you�re okay?�
�Yes.� She leaned over and kissed him. �Now go, before you miss your flight.�
He grabbed her as she began to pull back and kissed her again, long and hard, before burying his head in the crook of her neck and whispering, �I love you. I�ll be back as soon as I can.�
He pulled back just in time to see her smile. �I know. I�ll be fine by myself.� She brushed the back of her hand against his cheek. �Love you, too.�
He caught her hand and pressed his lips to her palm, and then undid his seatbelt and practically vaulted out the door, knowing that it would just keep getting harder the longer he waited. He grabbed his bag out of the trunk and closed it. Walking over to the driver�s window, he leaned in and gave her one last quick kiss before stepping around the front of the car and onto the curb. He thought he saw tears in her eyes as she waved goodbye, but she pulled away too fast for him to know for sure.
As Harm watched her drive away, he wondered seriously if he was going to be able to do this - if he was going to be able to stop worrying about her long enough to do his job. If only she weren�t alone; then it would be okay. He would still worry, but he would be able to handle it if he knew that there was someone there to watch out for her when she wasn�t at work. Someone to keep her from overdoing things, to take care of her if she needed it. Someone like-
He came to an abrupt halt right in the middle of the terminal as he realized that there was someone who fit that description, someone who could look out for Mac, and who Mac would actually listen to. A plan formed in his head. Checking his watch to see how much time he had before boarding, he pulled out his phone and rapidly scanned through the directory until he came to the number he was looking for. Pressing the call button, he paced back and forth as he waited for someone to pick up on the other end. When they did, he smiled in relief and anticipation.
�Hey, it�s me. I need to ask you a really, really big favor.�
Friday, January 23, 2004
Rabb/Mackenzie Residence
1320 EST
Mac sat on the bed; her legs pulled up tight to her chest and her chin resting on her knees, trying to hide her unhappiness as she watched Harm throw clothes haphazardly into his suitcase.