The Next Conflicting Phase
Part Thirteen
�Go fish.�
Mac set down her hand and randomly picked up one of the cards scattered on the bed. A four. She picked up her cards with a sigh, slowly sliding the new one into place while being careful not to dislodge her IV. She looked up and saw Harm smirking at her.
�Are you laughing at me?� she demanded belligerently, �because this isn�t exactly easy, you know.�
�Hey,� he protested, throwing up his hands defensively, �I offered to help.�
Mac rolled her eyes. �Yeah, that�s good strategy. Let your opponent get a nice, long look at your cards. No thanks.�
�Your choice.� Harm shrugged innocently. �I was just trying to be helpful.�
�You know,� Mac growled playfully, glaring at him, �I�d hit you right now, but I refuse to set my cards down again.�
�Poor baby,� Harm laughed, patting her leg. His eyes glanced surreptitiously over her shoulder for the briefest of moments before focusing back on her. Smiling confidently, he held out his hand. �Give me all your fours,� he demanded.
Mac�s gaze shot down to her cards, and to the brand new four of diamonds sitting right in the middle of her hand. She shook her head in disbelief. This was the third time he�d guessed one of her cards right after she picked it up. �How did you-� she started to ask indignantly, lifting her head just in time to notice Harm quickly pull his gaze away from a spot behind her left shoulder. Twisting around, she saw the blurry reflection of her cards on the metal post of the hospital bed.
�You cheated!� She accused him incredulously as she turned back to face him. Harm just started to laugh again, so she threw her cards at him with as much force as she could muster one-handed. She was gratified to see one of them fly up and hit him in the face; she hoped it was the four.
�Jerk,� she muttered under her breath. There wasn�t any conviction in her tone, though � they had been teasing and joking with each other all morning to keep their spirits up while they waited for the doctors to tell them it was time.
Mac started to cross her arms over her chest, forgetting about the IV until it tugged sharply on her skin. She hissed in pain, and Harm jerked his head up from where he was bent over, gathering up the cards. He saw her rubbing her arm, and leaned forward.
�Are you okay?� he asked, covering her hand with his own. Mac let her fingers rub comfortingly against his palm for a moment, and then slid her hand away.
�I�m fine,� she told him with a sigh, flopping back onto the pillows. �I just forgot. I hate IV�s,� she added a bit petulantly.
�It�ll be over soon,� he hastened to reassure her, and himself. He reached out and tightly squeezed her hand, and she nodded but didn�t answer.
You don�t know that. The words were running through her head, but she would never say them aloud. Not after she had spent the entire drive to the hospital reassuring him that the surgery would go off without a hitch and she would be fine. Besides, he�d been right there with her when Joe had explained about physical therapy and radiation and chemo, so he knew as well as she did that surgery was just another step in a long process. The important thing now was to get through this step, and she couldn�t do that by being negative. She sighed, and then uncrossed her arms and leaned up to jab a finger in his chest.
�Don�t think that just because you�re being nice to me right now that I�m going to forget that you cheated,� she warned him. She attempted to give him a menacing look, but Harm could see the twinkle in her eye.
�Hey, it�s your fault for picking such a silly game,� he countered as he scooped up the rest of the cards and tossed them onto the bedside table. He knew what she was doing, and he was more than willing to go along, happy to be able to avoid the inevitable for as long as possible. With that in mind, he gave her his cockiest grin.
�Well,� she told him huffily, rolling her eyes at him, �I wouldn�t have had to pick it if you�d been able to pay attention for more than thirty seconds when we were playing gin.�
�I was paying attention!� he protested, knowing full well he wasn�t. But if he admitted that, they wouldn�t have anything to argue about, so he just leaned back and waited for her response. Before she had a chance to give it, the door opened and a nurse popped his head inside.
�Excuse me, Colonel,� the young man said, walking over to the bed. He smiled apologetically as he picked up her wrist and began to check her pulse. �Just have to check one more time before I take you upstairs to pre-op.�
They both tensed immediately. �Is that going to be soon?� she asked in trepidation. Harm reached out and held tightly to her free hand.
�In just a couple of minutes,� he told her, releasing her wrist. He made a few notes on her chart. �I have to go make sure everything�s ready upstairs, and then I�ll be back with a wheelchair to take you on up.� Setting the chart back on the hook, he walked over to the door. Pulling it open, he glanced over his shoulder. �I�ll walk as slow as I can,� he said with a sympathetic smile, �but I can�t give you more than five minutes.�
Mac nodded and gave him a small smile, grateful for his understanding. The door shut behind him and the room filled with an ominous silence. Five minutes. Five minutes until they were separated, until the nurse came back in with the wheelchair and took her away. Five minutes until their entire world was irrevocably changed, once again.
�Five minutes,� she whispered inaudibly, and felt a wave of panic trying to take over her. But she refused to give into it, refused to spend her last five minutes with Harm dwelling on her fears of what was to come. Determined to remain upbeat, she forced a smile and asked jokingly, �So, want me to say hi to Dr. Graveyard for you?�
Despite his own fears, Harm couldn�t help but smile at Mac�s favorite nickname for her surgeon. �You know,� he scolded her lightly, �one of these days you�re going to call him that and he�s going to hear you.�
She rolled her eyes at him and gave him her standard response. �It�s not my fault the man�s got the personality of a corpse.�
�Maybe, but he�s also one of the best surgeons in the country,� Harm countered automatically. They had had this conversation so many times over the past two weeks that he didn�t think either one of them actually paid any attention to the words. It was just an excuse to spar with each other, to let themselves fall into that familiar rhythm they�d developed over the years. Realizing that it was still his turn, he added dutifully, �And the only one here qualified to do a sentinel node biopsy.�
The sentinel node biopsy was the reason that Mac put up with Dr. Marcus Graves� distinct lack of anything resembling a personality. To determine if the cancer had spread, it was necessary to test Mac�s lymph nodes. The traditional procedure, the axillary node biopsy, involved taking and testing a dozen nodes, and usually resulted in varying degrees of nerve damage and a lifelong risk of lymphedema. The sentinel node biopsy only required the removal of one lymph node, making the risk of complications later on virtually non-existent. It was a new procedure, one that few doctors could claim to be experts at. Dr. Graves was one of the few, and in Harm�s mind, that more than made up for the man�s lack of people skills.
Although Mac felt the same way, it didn�t stop her from complaining, �I know he�s the best, but it doesn�t change the fact that he�s a stick in the mud, especially compared to Joe.�
�Compared to Joe,� Harm pointed out, �any other doctor is a stick in the mud.�
Mac opened her mouth to issue a comeback, until her internal clock alerted her that four of their five minutes were gone. Suddenly, the realization that they were almost out of time was overwhelming, and she couldn�t stop the wave of fear that washed over her. One more minute, and then they would take her away, to another room like this one, except that it would be colder and more frightening. Because there would be no Harm in that room, playing silly card games and cracking jokes and arguing with her to keep her distracted. There would be no Harm there to brush the hair out of her face or to hold her hand or tell her that he loved her and that everything would be all right. She was going to be alone, waiting for Dr. Graveyard to come and cut her open and take out the tumor and leave a hole in her breast, and she didn�t know if she could handle that.
Panicked now, she reached out blindly for him, needing more than anything to feel his arms around her just one more time. And then she was holding him, clinging tightly to him, drawing on his love to give her the strength she needed to face what the next few hours would bring. Gradually, her heart stopped racing, and her hands stopped trembling, and she was able to breathe again.
She started to pull away slightly, to tell him she loved him and to apologize for being such a baby, but he wouldn�t let her go. That�s when she realized that she wasn�t the only one clinging, the only one drawing strength from their embrace. Her heart ached for him as she felt a few hot tears splash against her neck, and she wrapped her arms around him as tightly as she could, trying to give him the same comfort he had given her.
When his tears stopped, she slid her hands from around his waist and reached up to lift his head from her neck. He immediately tried to pull away, embarrassed by his loss of control and show of fear, but she wouldn�t let him.
�Hey, look at me. Look at me,� she insisted, cupping his face in her hands. She brushed away a stray tear with her thumb. �It�s going to be okay. I�m going to be okay.�
�You don�t know-� He was cut off by Mac�s hand covering his mouth.
�Don�t,� she told him firmly. She kissed him softly, before leaning her forehead against his and whispering fiercely, �Don�t give up on me, Harm.�
His hands shot up to her face, drawing her in for a long, fiery kiss. �Never,� he promised her when they parted for air. �I�ll never give up on you. I love you so much,� he told her in a choked whisper.
�I love you, too.�
She was just leaning in to kiss him again when the door to her room opened. Mac glimpsed the wheelchair being rolled in out of the corner of her eye, and was about to beg for another minute, when she recognized a familiar form in the doorway. She lifted her head from Harm�s and they both turned around to face their new visitor.
�Did somebody call for a cab?� Dr. Joe asked with a grin. He was holding onto the wheelchair, and he would have looked like any other doctor in the hospital, with his lab coat and his stethoscope, if it wasn�t for the red felt Santa�s hat perched jauntily on his head.
�Joe!� Mac exclaimed, surprised and delighted. Suddenly the road to the surgical ward didn�t look quite so cold and lonely. �What are you doing here?�
�Hey you didn�t think I�d let just anyone escort my favorite patient to pre-op, did you?� he told her with a wink. �Hey, Harm. What do you say you help me settle Mac into her chariot?�
�I think I can handle that,� he said with a smile, relieved that Mac wasn�t going to be alone up there. He ignored the small voice inside that tried to point out that he wasn�t going to be so lucky. Sliding off the bed, he pulled back the blanket and helped Mac down, and together, he and Joe got her into the wheelchair. While Joe hooked her IV to the chair, Harm leaned down and grabbed her slippers, helping her slide them onto her feet. When he was done, he stood up and started to move away, only to have Mac reach out and grab hold of his hand. When she didn�t let go, he looked to Joe, who just shook his head and smiled. They maneuvered their way out the door and down the hall to the elevator.
Joe let go of the chair and slowly walked over to the elevator, giving them one last moment together. Harm leaned down and gave her a gentle kiss, and then tried to pull his hand away, but she still refused to let go.
Kneeling down next to her chair, he reached up with his free hand and stroked her cheek. �You�ll be fine,� he promised softly, �And I�ll be waiting right here for you when you�re done. Okay?�
Mac nodded and slowly released her grip on his hand. �You better be,� she said, smiling bravely at him. She squeezed his hand once more before letting go. �Love you. Be back soon.�
The elevator doors opened, and she gave Harm a small but genuine smile before turning to Joe. �Well, Dr. Joe, I think that�s our cue.� She slapped her hands down onto the arms of the chair and told him her best take-charge marine tone; �Let�s get this show on the road.�
Joe wheeled her into the elevator and turned her around, and Harm caught one last glimpse of her beautiful smile before the doors closed and left him behind. Leaning his head against the wall, he closed his eyes and sent up a heartfelt plea for God to keep her safe.
The moment the doors closed and she could no longer see Harm�s face, Mac felt her strength fading. Tears sprung to her eyes again, and she clenched her hands into fists and fought desperately to maintain control. She would not cry again, she had cried too many tears already. She wasn�t going to break down now, she swore to herself. But the minute the elevator began to move, she felt her resolve vanish.
Catching sight of Joe in the metal reflection of the door, she whispered softly, �Joe? I�m scared.�
�It�s okay to be scared, Mac,� he reassured her. �Just as long as you don�t give into the fear.� He slid one hand off the handle of the wheelchair and held it out to her, and she quickly grabbed hold of it. She held on tightly as the elevator slowly made its way up, letting go only when the doors opened and he had to push her out into the corridor.
The hallway seemed to stretch out before her, stark and cold, and the set of doors at the end seemed to loom ominously, as if waiting to swallow her whole. But before that familiar panic could set in, Joe reached down and whispered encouragingly in her ear.
�Semper fi, Marine.� He patted her on the shoulder, �Time to storm the beaches.�
Mac nodded and took a deep breath, squaring her shoulders as they resumed their way down the corridor.
Harm nodded, and his gaze drifted back to the elevator doors. �A couple of minutes ago.�
�Damn.� AJ�s face grew red with anger. �Damn bureaucrats,� he spat out in frustration, �tied me up in a stupid priority phone call for over an hour just to decide that we needed to have a meeting this afternoon to talk about everything face to face. I got here as soon as I could.�
�It�s okay, sir,� Harm tried to reassure him, �Mac wasn�t expecting you, anyway.�
The moment the words left his mouth, he saw the Admiral flinch and he realized how badly he had phrased that. Trying to backpedal, he explained hastily, �I didn�t mean it like that, sir-�
�Never apologize for telling the truth, Harm.� AJ cut him off with a wave of his hand. For the first time since they had told him about the cancer, Harm noticed how tired and worn out AJ looked. He moved to the row of chairs along the wall, and sank down wearily. �She would have expected me a year ago, wouldn�t she?� he asked quietly, �You both would have.�
Harm hesitated, but the look on AJ�s face told him that he wanted an honest answer, no matter how painful. �Probably, sir,� he admitted.
AJ shook his head and muttered, �When the hell did things get so out of control?�
Harm figured it was a rhetorical question, but he answered it anyway. �I don�t know, Admiral. But if I had to guess, I�d say right around the time I let myself get arrested for Lt. Singer�s murder.�
AJ raised his head and looked up at Harm, a bit surprised at how easily he had admitted that. But something about the acceptance in Harm�s face made him think that for the first time since it had happened, they were finally in a place where they could talk about the events of last spring.
�Why didn�t you come to me, Harm?� There was no anger, no frustration, in his voice, just confusion and an honest desire to understand. �Or, if not me, to Mac? Or Turner?�
The question startled Harm, although he didn�t know why. Probably because he�d been so caught up in his quest for answers, that he didn�t recognize that AJ might have questions of his own, and that he deserved some answers to those questions. �I don�t know what to tell you, sir,� he told his C.O. softly, �except that I thought I could handle it alone.�
�No, you thought you had to handle it alone,� AJ corrected him. �And I�ve never understood why. After all these years, what made you think you couldn�t trust us to help you?�
�It�s not that,� he protested, �It�s just...�
Unable to find the words, Harm broke off with a sigh. Taking a seat next to the Admiral, he tried to collect his thoughts. Finally, he said, �I didn�t want to have to trust you. I didn�t want to need your help, to need anyone�s help. I had to prove to myself that I could do it on my own.� His eyes got a faraway look as he thought back to when it all started to fall apart.
�When I led that missile away from the carrier group, I was scared,� he admitted, staring out the window at the falling rain. �I�d be a fool not to be. But even then, I knew I could do it. I knew it would work. Because it was the only way to get things done, and that�s what I do. It�s what I�m good at. I get things done. I fix things. Superman,� he said with a bitter laugh. �That�s what Sturgis called me when Mac and I met him afterwards. We were laughing and joking and teasing each other, and feeling so damned proud of ourselves for having figured it all out. We�d stopped the bad guys, and saved the day. Business as usual.� A shadow passed over his eyes. �And then we reported to the Captain.�
�And found out about Bud,� AJ said quietly. Harm nodded wordlessly, and AJ supplied the rest. �And you found out that you were human after all.�
�I felt so helpless,� Harm whispered. �I was helpless. Bud was lying in that room dying and I was sitting out in the corridor doing nothing.�
�There was nothing you could do,� AJ told him, knowing even as he said the words that they would be of no comfort.
�I know that,� he acknowledged, and his voice grew cold with anger as he added, �And I hated it.�
Feeling that familiar helpless rage start to well up again, he took a moment to calm down, and then continued his explanation. �And then when I found about Sergei and Singer, and her pregnancy, and everything else...� he sighed, �I just felt like I had to take care of it on my own. I had to prove to myself that I still could do it by myself. Except I couldn�t.�
He shrugged, staring down at his hands. �I don�t know how else to explain it, sir.�
�You don�t have to explain it, Harm. I was there, too.� The words drew Harm up short, and his gaze darted to the Admiral�s. In those eyes, Harm saw a reflection of all of his own fears and frustrations. And he suddenly realized that AJ was right; he had been there, too. Standing in a different spot and seeing it from a slightly different angle, maybe; but there nonetheless. Bud�s accident, Lindsey�s report, Singer�s murder and his arrest; he had lived through each one of them, too. And Harm could see now that AJ had felt just as frustrated and helpless as he had, maybe even more so; because he had the added burden of being their commanding officer.
�No, I guess I don�t have to explain, do I?� Harm asked softly, speaking more to himself than to AJ. It all seemed so clear to him now, and he felt foolish for not having recognized it before. He shook his head and smiled self-deprecatingly at the Admiral. �I screwed up, didn�t I?�
�We all did, Harm,� AJ responded matter-of-factly. �You, me, Mac - I imagine that if you got her to examine her motives for taking that assignment with Webb, you�d find they sounded pretty much the same as what you just said.�
Harm thought about that for a moment, and realized that the Admiral was right. Knowing he was in trouble and being helpless to do anything about it would have driven Mac crazy. Crazy enough to accept Webb�s mission without hesitation.
�Damn,� he swore softly, shaking his head. Now that he understood why things had happened the way he had, he wasn�t sure what the next step was. He turned to AJ, and for the first time in almost a year, it seemed perfectly natural to ask his advice. �So what do we do now, Admiral?�
�We do what we�re doing,� AJ said with a shrug. �We keep trying to move forward, to learn from our mistakes; see if we can�t salvage some of what got broken.�
Harm nodded slowly before asking him hesitantly, �Do you think we can?�
AJ sighed and ran a weary hand over his head. �I don�t know. I�d like to think so.� He glanced at the elevator and then back at Harm. �I�d like to think we�ve already started.�
Harm nodded in agreement. �I think we have,� he said sincerely.
The two men sat there silently for a moment, letting everything that had been said soak in. After awhile, though, the silence got uncomfortable, and AJ said gruffly, �So we understand each other a little better now?�
�Yes, sir,� Harm responded firmly, �A lot better I think.�
�Good.� He glared at Harm with familiar bad-temper and declared, �Now for God�s sakes, let�s change the subject already.�
Harm couldn�t help but laugh a little. �Excellent idea, sir,� he said with a grin. �How�s Meredith? She�s coming home in a few days, right?�
�Actually, no,� the Admiral told him grumpily. �She�s decided to extend her stay by another week.�
�Really?� Harm asked curiously, unable to keep the surprise out of his voice completely, �Did she say why?�
AJ wasn�t sure how to answer that question. Meredith had given him a reasonable excuse, but he knew that there was more to it. She had been all set to come home, until AJ had revealed to her that Mac had cancer. Then, suddenly, there was a last minute engagement that she couldn�t get out of. He didn�t doubt that the engagement was real, but he was almost certain that she was using it as an excuse so that she didn�t have to come home and face the situation here. He supposed he couldn�t blame her, lord knew he�d love an excuse to not have to face the reality of Mac�s illness, but he couldn�t help but feel a little angry that she had chosen to hide rather than come home and help him deal with things.
But he couldn�t tell any of that to Harm and Mac. They were going through enough without having to feel guilty about how he and Meredith were handling the situation. He looked over at Harm and saw that the younger man was starting to look a little concerned, so he decided to just say that something had come up, and then use Admiral�s privilege and change the subject. But before he could, he noticed a figure walking their way.
�Commander Rabb?� Harm looked up and saw the nurse from earlier. He started to rise instinctively, but the young man waved him back down. �Please don�t get up, sir,� he said. �I just wanted to let you know that Dr. Phillips called down and wanted me to tell you that the Colonel was just taken into surgery.�
At the word surgery, Harm shut down. It was as if, knowing that he wouldn�t be able to think about anything other than Mac on that operating table, his mind decided not to let him think of anything at all. He looked at the nurse, knowing he should say something, but unable to figure out what the proper response was in this situation. And before he could get his mind working well enough to come up with anything, the Admiral beat him to it.
�Thank you, Ensign.� AJ took one look at the bewildered, empty look in Harm�s eyes and knew that it was time for him to take over. �Did he say how long the surgery would take?�
�At least an hour or two, Admiral,� the young man said, glancing at Harm before adding apologetically, �Maybe even three. The doctor said he�d come find the Commander as soon as there was any news, but that he might want to grab a coffee or something to eat because it would be awhile.�
�Thank you, we�ll do that,� AJ said and quickly dismissed him. The ensign nodded and left, and AJ watched him move back to his desk at the nurse�s station before sliding a hand under Harm�s elbow and dragging him to his feet.
�Sir, what are we doing?� he asked in confusion, confirming AJ�s suspicion that Harm hadn�t heard a word of the conversation after the nurse said Mac was in surgery.
�We�re going down to the cafeteria to get some coffee. That�s an order, Commander,� AJ added immediately, cutting off any attempt at protest. �It�s going to be hours before we hear anything, and the nurse knows where to find us if he needs to.�
�But, sir,� Harm started, only to stop short when AJ fixed him with a stern glare. He sighed; he had been on the receiving end of that glare enough times to know that it would be useless to argue. His shoulders slumped dejectedly. �Yes, sir.�
AJ felt a wave of sympathy for him. He didn�t particularly want to go, either, but he knew that if they stayed, Harm would drive himself and everyone else nuts waiting for word. AJ needed to distract him, and the cafeteria would work as well as anything else. He gave Harm a little nudge towards the elevator. �Let�s go, Commander.�
Harm followed the Admiral into the elevator and down to the cafeteria, and for the next two hours AJ kept him occupied by engaging him in a constant, steady stream of conversation. They talked about JAG, about the holidays, about their individual experiences at the Academy, anything and everything AJ could think of to keep their minds off of what was happening upstairs. It was a good conversation, actually, and under any other circumstances he would have been pleased at how easily they were communicating with each other. But these weren�t any other circumstances, and no matter what they talked about, neither one of them ever lost sight of the reason that they were talking at all.
Finally, just as they were running out of things to say, Harm saw a familiar figure enter the cafeteria and make his way over to them.
�Joe!� he called out loudly as he pushed out of his chair, nearly knocking it over in his haste. By the time he had righted himself, Joe was already at the table.
�Sit down, Harm,� he ordered, gently pushing Harm back into his seat with one hand, while holding the other out to AJ. �You must be Admiral Chegwidden. Mac�s told me about you.�
�Dr. Phillips,� AJ acknowledged, shaking the man�s hand briskly. Before he could say more, Harm grabbed hold of the doctor�s arm and pulled him into the seat next to him.
�How�s Mac?� he asked impatiently, ignoring all pretense of protocol and polite behavior in his haste to find out if the woman he loved was all right. �Did the surgery go okay? Did Dr. Graves get it all? And what about the lymph nodes? What did-?�
�Harm!� Two voices on either side of him halted his increasingly frantic interrogation. Joe put a hand on his arm and said soothingly. �Mac�s fine. She�s okay. So just take a minute to calm down, and then I�ll answer all of your questions.�
She�s fine. Harm took a deep, shaking breath as Joe�s words played over and over in his head. Mac was fine; she was okay. She had made it through surgery; she was okay. The knot of fear and tension that had been growing ever since they had found the lump almost a month ago finally began to ease, and the relief that came to take its place was so overwhelming that his whole body trembled with the force of it. Mac was okay. He could handle whatever came next because for right now, Mac was okay.
Joe and AJ sat silently, respectfully, waiting for Harm to process everything and regain his composure. Finally, he looked up at Joe with total control and determination, and said calmly, �Tell me everything.�
Mac struggled to push through the fog enveloping her mind, only to hit a wall of pain and fatigue. She moaned softly, and a nurse was immediately at her side.
�Just relax, Colonel,� she soothed, �You�re in recovery right now, and it�s going to take awhile to get over the effects of the anesthesia.�
�Cold,� Mac whispered hoarsely, trying to focus her gaze on the nurse. �I�m cold.�
The nurse picked up a blanket and spread it over her. �That�s one of the effects I was talking about. Don�t worry,� she said, tucking the blanket tightly around her, �we�ll warm you up in no time.�
Mac nodded a little groggily. She knew she was missing something, but everything was so fuzzy right now. She shook her head a little, trying to clear it, and one thought came racing to the forefront.
�Where�s Harm?� she asked anxiously. She struggled weakly to sit, but the nurse immediately pushed her back down. �Please,� Mac pleaded softly, �I want Harm.�
�Soon,� the nurse told her, patting her hand. �Just a little bit longer here, and then we�ll take you back to your regular room.� She pulled the blanket up a little higher. �Just rest for now.�
Mac didn�t want to sleep, tried to fight it, but it was as if the nurse�s words had cast a spell on her eyelids, dragging them shut against her will. She drifted in and out of consciousness, barely stirring when the nurse would check her vitals, or when they moved her back to her room. The next time she woke fully, it was to the sight of Harm�s worried face hovering over her.
�Harm,� she murmured drowsily, her hand reaching weakly for his. He quickly caught it up and held tightly, his other hand sliding up to brush her hair away from her face. She sighed and turned her head into his palm. She tried to speak, but Harm placed a finger to her lips and shook his head.
�Easy there, Mac,� he said softly, as he continued to stroke her hair, �Just rest for a minute, okay?�
She nodded slowly, and her eyes drifted shut again as she relaxed into the comfort of his touch. As the cloud from the anesthetic and pain meds wore off, she became more aware of the dull ache in her breast and under her arm, and she could feel the weight of the bandage covering her incision. She ignored her discovery, unwilling to give up the peaceful feeling coursing through her. Instead she focused on the feel of Harm�s hand as it brushed against her temple, allowing herself a few more moments of contentment before she was forced to deal with any unpleasant realities.
Harm continued to silently stroke her hair and face while her awareness gradually returned. He�d been sitting here for hours, waiting impatiently and worrying; first for them to move her back to her room, and then for her to wake up. But now that she had opened her eyes, and he could hear her voice, he was perfectly content to simply sit and watch her.
Mac�s eyes drifted open again, and she turned her head to take in her surroundings. She was back in her room, and the only light came from what little sun was managing to push through the ceiling of storm clouds outside. She was grateful for the shadows; she didn�t think her eyes could handle any bright light right now.
She turned back to him and started to say something, only to find that her throat was too raw and dry to speak. Harm quickly reached over and poured her a glass of water; sliding his other hand to her neck and gently helping her lift her head so she could drink. Mac took a moment to savor the cool liquid before pulling her head away and laying it heavily back down against her pillow. She watched him set the cup back down, and noticed for the first time just how tired he looked.
�Have you been sitting here waiting the whole time?� she asked, concerned about the worry lines on his face and the dark shadows under his eyes.
Harm shook his head with a smile; leave it to Mac to be worried about him at a time like this. �No,� he assured her, �the Admiral came by and dragged me down to the cafeteria to get something to eat.� Mac�s eyes widened a little in surprise. �He wanted to stay until you woke up, but he was called away by the SecNav. He�s going to try and stop by later.�
She bit her lip and asked hesitantly, �How did that go? You and the Admiral spending quality time together?�
�It went pretty well, actually.� He told her, in broad strokes, about their conversation, leaving out anything he thought was too much for her at the moment. She could tell he wasn�t telling her everything, but before she could question him further, he said, �I promise to tell you all the details later, but suffice it to say, I think he and I have reached an understanding.�
�That�s good,� she told him sincerely, taking him at his word and dropping the subject for the time being. With nothing else to talk about, she forced herself to ask the next question. �Has Dr. Graves talked to you yet?� she asked almost inaudibly, biting nervously on her lip as she waited for a response.
�No,� Harm told her, before adding quickly, �But Joe did. He talked Graves into letting him relay the good news.�
�Good news?� Mac repeated hopefully. �It�s good news?�
�There was no trace of cancer in the lymph nodes.� His voice was serious, but he couldn�t keep the relieved grin off of his face. �We have to wait for the pathology report to be sure, but both Joe and Dr. Graves think that the cancer was contained inside the tumor.�
�Really? It�s...� her voice caught, and she had to clear her throat before continuing, �It�s gone?�
He heard the disbelief in her voice, but he couldn�t blame her. He�d had Joe tell him at least a dozen times, and it still sounded too good to be true. �They think so,� he told her gently, squeezing her hand. �Joe still wants you to have radiation to be sure, but it looks like they got it all.�
�Oh.� She tried to say more, but hearing the news was too overwhelming. With her defenses worn down by surgery and pain meds and a month of worrying, she couldn�t stop herself from bursting into tears.
Harm quickly slid an arm beneath her, lifting her slightly so that he could cradle her in his arms. He rubbed his hand soothingly over her back, as her tears of relief soaked his shirt. He even shed a couple of his own. Eventually she calmed down, and swiped at her tears with her good arm.
�I�m sorry,� she told him, a little embarrassed. �I don�t mean to cry, this is great news. It�s just...�
�I know. I was scared, too.� He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her gently. �But it looks like you were right. You�re going to be okay.�
�I am,� she whispered joyfully, and a brilliant smile spread slowly over her face. Ignoring all thoughts of radiation and further treatment, she focused on that one happy thought.
�I�m going to be okay.�
December 26, 2003
Naval Hospital, Bethesda
0920 EST
�Do you have any sixes?�
Meanwhile, Harm was still standing in the same spot, staring at the elevator, when he heard someone call his name. He turned and saw AJ striding purposefully towards him. As he came up beside him, he asked a little breathlessly, �Have they already taken her up?�
Cold. Why am I so cold?