Gratitude
Part Twenty-Three
�Commander Turner! Are you injured, sir?�
�Stay back, Lieutenant!� Sturgis ordered sharply, �He�s still got a gun.�
A muffled voice came from the floor. �No he doesn�t. I�ve got it,� the Admiral grunted, yanking his arm out from under Saddiq and holding out the gun. Sturgis quickly grabbed it and secured it. He motioned for Bud to take it. Always a lawyer, Bud took it with his handkerchief to avoid contaminating it with his prints. Sturgis then helped roll Saddiq�s body off the Admiral. Blood was covering both men.
�Sir, are you alright?� He asked.
�I�m fine. It�s Saddiq�s blood,� A.J. said as he placed his fingers on the man�s neck. There was a faint pulse. �Damn� he swore to himself. He�d been hoping that the man was already dead. One less terrorist for the world to worry about. He wavered for just a moment before stripping off his already ruined shirt and shoving it none too gently on the hole in Saddiq�s abdomen. �Nice timing, Commander,� he said dryly to the younger man. Turner had managed to push the terrorist�s arm towards his own stomach just as Saddiq had fired. If he hadn�t, A.J. was sure he would have been the one with a gunshot wound in his belly.
�Thank you, sir,� Sturgis answered. He knelt back down to help the Admiral, but was waved off. A.J. jerked his head toward the crowd.
�Commander, go try and calm these people down and make sure an ambulance is on the way,� Sturgis nodded and headed off. A.J. turned to Bud, �Lieutenant, go check on the Colonel and Mr. Rabb.�
�Aye, sir,� Bud responded and moved quickly to where the two were still laying on the ground.
Harm moaned as he regained consciousness. The last thing he remembered was the ground slamming up to meet him. He must have hit his head and blacked out. Then he remembered staring down the barrel of a gun. He took a quick self-inventory and concluded that whatever had happened, he hadn�t been shot. He heard a soft moan and finally registered a body draped on top of him. The body moaned again. �Mac?� he asked cautiously.
Mac muttered something inaudibly. Harm tried again, �Mac, do you think you can get up? You�re a little heavy, Marine.�
She didn�t respond, but she must have heard him because she rolled off of him and onto the floor. He hoisted himself up on his elbows and looked over at her. Her eyes were closed and her face was tight with pain. Scooting over, he reached out and put his hands on her shoulders. �Mac? Are you okay?� he asked in alarm.
She opened her eyes and tried to smile at him, �Yeah, I think I just experienced another one of your hard landings.�
�My hard landings?� he asked incredulously, trying to mask the relief he felt at knowing she was okay. �This one was all you, Marine.� Harm saw Bud coming toward them, so he slid one of his arms underneath her to help her up, keeping the other one on her shoulder. As his hand pressed on her side, she cried out.
�Ah!� she hissed in pain, �Harm, be careful. My side really hurts.� Even as she said this, Harm registered something sticky on his hand. Pulling it away from her side, he saw that it was covered in blood. He called for Bud to hurry. Gently lifting up the hem of her sweater, his heart tightened with fear. Mac had been shot.
�Bud, help me!� he cried, as Bud maneuvered himself to the ground. Quickly stripping off his uniform shirt, Bud wadded it up and pressed down as hard as he could on the wound in her side. She gasped in pain.
�I�m sorry, ma�am, but we need to stop the bleeding.� Even as he said this, he saw more blood pooling underneath her. Bud kept one hand pressed down and used the other to slide under Mac�s back. Just as he feared, an exit wound. �Commander, I need your shirt,� Harm looked blankly at Bud, still cradling Mac in his arms. Bud repeated himself more vehemently, �I need your shirt, Harm. Now.�
Harm gently laid Mac on the ground. Ripping his shirt off, he handed it to Bud who pressed it into her back. The two men tried to staunch the flow of blood and Mac began to fade. Harm squeezed her shoulder forcefully, �Come on, Mac. Stay with me. I need you to stay with me, okay?�
Mac�s eyes fluttered open and she nodded weakly. She heard the fear in his voice and looked up at him. And saw the blood on his hands and the pain in his face. �It was real, Harm,� she said softly, �I wasn�t going crazy. It was all real. This is what I saw.�
�I know, Mac. I know,� Harm nodded as he slid around and carefully lifted her head so that it rested in his lap. He smiled a little, �You saving my life with these visions is starting to become a habit.�
�Didn�t save you, you saved me,� she murmured. At his disbelieving look, her voice got stronger as she insisted, �You did. I tried to hide from it. I didn�t want to think about it or analyze it. I just wanted to run from it. But you wouldn�t let me. You made me face it. You made me try and fix it. If you hadn�t, I wouldn�t have figured out what was happening until it was too late.� Her voice began to waver, �I wasn�t strong enough to do it alone. But I wasn�t alone. You were there. You�re always there.�
She paused, gasping a little at the effort it took to talk. Harm tried to quiet her. �Don�t try to talk anymore right now, Mac. You need to save your strength.� Mac shook her head; she wasn�t finished. Reaching one hand up, she pressed it weakly against his cheek.
�Thank you for saving me,� Mac said softly, her face full of love. Harm�s eyes filled and he started to respond when he saw her own eyes begin to drift close. Her hand began to slip down off his cheek. Panicked, he reached up and covered it with his own. He pressed it tightly against his face.
�Mac, don�t close your eyes. MAC!� he yelled. Her eyes reflexively shot open; they were so full of pain and fatigue. He spoke again, more gently this time, �Mac, you can�t close your eyes. I need you to stay awake. I need you to keep talking to me.�
�I�m so tired,� she whispered. The pain was beginning to numb as the world began to gray at the edges. She was so tired. She just wanted to sleep. It was over; she had done what she was supposed to. She had figured out the puzzle and stopped the bad guy, now she wanted to rest. She started to drift again when she heard Harm�s voice again.
�Sarah, stay with me,� he pleaded, �I need you to stay. Please stay, Sarah. Please.�
Mac forced her eyes to open and focus on him. He looked so afraid, she couldn�t stand to see him so afraid. His hand was still linked with hers against his cheek. She managed to squeeze it a little in reassurance.
Harm tried to smile at her effort, but all he could feel was the weakness in her grip. And her hand was like ice. He held on tighter, praying that if he strengthened his hold, he could keep her from slipping away. �That�s it, Marine. You can do this. I need you to fight for me, okay? I need you to fight a little longer. I can�t lose you, Mac.�
�Harm. You won�t lose me. Ever.� She forced a little more strength into her voice, �I promised, remember?�
It took him a minute to figure out what she was referring to. Then he remembered a night on the Admiral�s porch, celebrating her engagement to another man. He remembered her asking him what he wanted. It was probably the most honest and straightforward answer he had ever given her.
What do you want most?
What I want most, Mac, is to never lose you.
I promise you, no matter what happens, you won�t lose me.
She�d kept her promise. It had been difficult, near impossible at times, but she�d kept her promise. He just wasn�t sure she had the power to keep it this time.
�Don�t make a promise you can�t keep,� he choked out.
Now it was her turn to remember. A different memory, a different promise, but the answer was still the same.
�I haven�t yet,� Mac declared, her voice strong despite her worsening condition. She could do this. She would do this, for him. Because they didn�t make promises to each other they couldn�t keep. She held onto that thought even as the world began to darken. She fought as hard as she could against the blackness. She couldn�t give up; Harm was counting on her. She had to keep her promise. But it was so hard. The pain and the fatigue felt like an anchor dragging her under the waves. Her eyes felt so heavy, her whole body felt heavy. She just needed to close her eyes for a minute, just a minute and then she would be okay.
Harm looked up at the sound of sirens. They were close. Bud heard it, too, and looked up from where he was still pressing on Mac�s side. His hands were covered in blood, but a small smile crossed his face as he realized that help had finally arrived. Harm took a moment to glance around. He had been so focused on Mac that he had forgotten everything else. Things were calm for the most part, although there were a few patrons still flirting with hysteria. He saw Sturgis standing at the entrance, motioning for someone. �Must be the police or EMT�s� he thought as he looked back down at Mac to tell her that help was on the way.
Her eyes were closed and her head had rolled to the side. �Mac!� he cried. He let go of her hand and her arm fell limply at her side. Harm exchanged a panicked look with Bud. He felt desperately for a pulse as Bud yelled for Sturgis to get help in there as fast as he could. Harm found her pulse, but it was extremely weak. Two paramedics, a man and a woman, came rushing through the door and Sturgis led them over to Mac.
Kneeling down, the woman began checking Mac�s vitals and the man hooked her up to a heart monitor. Sturgis and Bud each took one of Harm�s arms and pulled him back out of the way. Harm didn�t register the gesture. He didn�t register the police officers that swarmed into the club, or the other set of paramedics that followed. He didn�t register the Admiral pull one of the officers aside and quickly explain what had happened. He didn�t register the officer�s gaze turn hard and cold as he looked at the terrorist lying near his feet or the curt nod that he gave to the Admiral. He didn�t register anything but the increasingly erratic beeps of the heart monitor. And when the beeps blended together into a steady wail, the only thing Harm registered was the sound of his own heart shattering.
As she stepped into the waiting room, she couldn�t suppress a shudder at the sight before her. A.J. was pacing back and forth, waves of frustration rolling off of him. Sturgis was staring blindly out the window. Bud was sitting on the sofa, in the process of putting his prosthetic back on. And Harm was sitting in a chair facing the door, his head in his hands. All four of them were covered in blood. She took another hesitant step into the room and they all looked up. A.J. and Sturgis immediately moved over to help her. Sturgis grabbed the tray of coffee and the bag of bagels while A.J. started relieving her of the bundles of clothing.
�Has there been any word, yet?� she asked A.J. as she took one set of clothes out of his hands and headed over to the sofa. Handing the bundle to Bud, she smiled softly. �Harriet says to change your clothes, wash your face, and call her as soon as you know anything.�
Bud nodded, but didn�t move. Meredith felt A.J. come up behind her. Turning on him, she pulled off the shirt and jeans at the top of the pile in his hands. Motioning to the clothes that were left, she ordered, �You can go with him. There�s a restroom right out the door and to the left.�
�Later, Meredith,� he said gruffly, �Let Lieutenant Roberts go first.�
�No, you�ll go together,� she repeated firmly. Before he could protest again, she moved on to Sturgis.
�I�m sorry I don�t have any clothing for you, Commander Turner, but I didn�t have access to your apartment. Do you by any chance have a change of clothes in your car? A.J. said you drove everyone over here.�
�Yes ma�am,� Sturgis responded, �I do have a bag in my car, but...�
�Perfect,� she smiled, �While A.J. and the Lieutenant are changing, you can go down and get your things. I�ll stay here and keep Harm company until you return.� She gestured to the door, �You�d better hurry, or your coffee will be cold by the time you get back.�
Sturgis and Bud looked hesitantly at the Admiral. Neither one of them wanted to leave, but neither one of them wanted to disobey the Admiral�s fianc�e, either. They decided to take their cue from him.
A.J. was giving Meredith his most intimidating glare. That glare struck fear into the hearts of everyone from Petty Officer Coates to the SecNav, but Meredith simply stared calmly back at him. They stayed that way for a moment before A.J. growled and headed out the door, barking at Bud and Sturgis to follow. Meredith waited until they were gone before smirking. He might be an Admiral and a former Seal, but he was no match for her. Shaking her head in amusement, she turned her attention to Harm.
�I�m not leaving,� he said flatly, his head back in his hands. She walked over and knelt beside him. When he refused to look at her, she gently pulled his hands down and turned his face to hers.
�I know you�re not leaving,� her voice was soft with understanding, �and I wouldn�t ask you to. But I need you to promise me that once the doctor comes out and tells us she�s going to be okay, you�ll go and clean up.� She held up one bloodstained hand, �This isn�t how she should see you when she first wakes up. And you are the first thing she�ll see, Harm.�
Harm wasn�t prepared for Meredith to be so understanding; he couldn�t handle it. Fighting back tears, he choked out, �What if she doesn�t wake up, Meredith? What if he doesn�t tell us she�s going to be okay?�
�I don�t know, Harm,� she answered honestly, �I can�t answer those questions, no one can. And I don�t want to know the answers. So unless I no longer have a choice in the matter, I�m going to pretend those questions don�t exist. Denial might not be healthy, but sometimes it�s necessary.�
�Yeah, sometimes it is,� Harm replied shakily. He stared down at his hands. �I didn�t realize there was so much blood,� he commented absently, �There wasn�t this much the last time. But that was only in the leg.� He shook his head to clear his thoughts and looked at her again, �I promise I�ll go as soon as the doctor comes.�
She smiled at him. �Good. In the meantime, would you mind explaining what the �it was only in the leg� comment was, please?�
He knew she was trying to distract him from the current situation. Normally, he would be annoyed but right now he was grateful. He needed to take his mind off of things. Maybe reminding himself of a time when Mac was hurt and came out okay would help a little. Taking a deep breath, he launched into a highly entertaining, if slightly embellished, recitation of their first time flying together. Bud and A.J. came back right as he was getting to their first encounter with the poachers. Bud instantly began his own running commentary on what was going on at JAG while they were gone. Then Sturgis came back in the middle of the story and insisted that they start over from the beginning. By the time Harm reached the part where he had given Mac his little �motivational speech�, they were all laughing.
�You really said that to her?� Sturgis asked incredulously. He shook his head, �I don�t believe it. She would have kicked your six.�
�Oh, she wanted to, believe me,� the memories bringing a genuine smile to his face, �but she was still wounded, so she had to settle for the Marine death glare. It got her moving, though. We had just made it back to the plane when...�
�Excuse me, are you here for Sarah Mackenzie?� a voice from the door interrupted Harm�s story. A doctor was standing there in bloodstained scrubs. He had obviously just come from surgery. They all stood up to face him. They all stared at him silently, afraid to speak. Afraid of what the doctor was going to say. Finally, A.J. moved forward. Clearing his throat, he answered the doctor.
�Yes, we�re her family,� he said firmly. �How is she? Is she going to be all right?� All five of them tensed and held their breath as they waited for the doctor�s response.
�She�s going to be fine,� the doctor smiled reassuringly at them.
Harm collapsed back into his seat, trying to remember how to breathe. �She�s going to be fine.� The words ran in a constant loop through his mind. He couldn�t focus on anything else. �She�s going to be fine.� Mac was okay. She was going to wake up and open her eyes. He wasn�t going to have to find answers to those questions. Tears burned in his eyes and he struggled not to break down. He tried to focus his attention on what the doctor was saying now. �Minimal damage from bullet�, �shock�, �extreme blood loss�, and �close calls� filtered into his thoughts, but his mind pushed them out. He didn�t want the details right now. He just wanted to sit here and feel his heart as it started to beat again.
Before he was aware of it, the doctor was gone and Meredith was kneeling in front of him again. She leaned forward and gave him a quick hug before depositing his clothes in his lap. He looked at her in confusion.
�The doctor said it�ll be another hour or two before you can go in. They have to get her settled,� Meredith explained, knowing Harm hadn�t made it past the doctor�s first sentence. �Technically, only family is supposed to be allowed in to see her, but Bud told him that you�re listed as her next of kin. So as soon as she�s ready, they�ll come get you and you�ll be allowed to sit with her. The rest of us can stay for a few minutes, but then we have to leave. Until then, you are going to go make yourself presentable and then you�re going to come back here and force a little something into your stomach. Understood?�
�Yes, ma�am,� he grinned, snapping off a salute. He stood up and without warning, picked her up and swung her around. �She�s going to be fine!� he laughed as he set Meredith back on her feet.
His sheer joy was infectious and soon they were all laughing and hugging and shaking hands. A nurse finally had to come in and tell them all to quiet down. They sobered a bit, but none of them stopped grinning. Harm finally picked up his clothes and started to head for the restroom, while Sturgis and Bud followed behind to call Harriet and Chaplain Turner. Harm stopped at the door and turned around.
�Thank you, Meredith,� he said sincerely. She just smiled fondly at him and waved him towards the bathroom.
Harm stepped inside and quickly changed his clothes. Moving to the sink, he began to scrub at his hands and arms. The sooner he was done, the sooner he could see Mac. He moved his hands under the faucet to rinse off the soap. Looking down, he saw the water stained a dark pink. He stared at it; that was Mac�s blood mixed in with the suds. Mac�s blood that had been on his hands and his arms and his face. There was so much blood. His hands began to shake and the tears that he had been holding back earlier forced their way down his face.
She almost died. You almost lost her. Oh God, you almost lost her for good. Harm couldn�t take it anymore. All the fear, all the rage and the pain and hurt, every emotion that he had been suppressing all these months went flooding through him. Overwhelmed, he slid down and buried his face in his hands. He sobbed for all the things that had gone wrong, and for all of the things that hadn�t. He cried for all of the chances that they had missed, all the time that they had wasted. And when he was done crying, he stood up and moved back to the sink. Looking in the mirror, he vowed to the man staring back at him that this was it. He was never again going to go through what he had been through tonight. He had spent the past eight years afraid to let Sarah Mackenzie in, afraid that he would lose her. Well, he had almost lost her anyway. And she would have never known how much he loved her. And he would have never known if she felt the same. And that would have been the worst pain of all.
Taking a deep breath, he quickly finished cleaning up and headed back into the waiting room. Whatever happened, he wasn�t leaving this hospital before he had a chance to look Mac in the eye and tell her that he loved her. Ready or not, Sarah Mackenzie was going to see what Harmon Rabb looked like when he finally let go.
The club was in chaos. People were screaming, some were just standing there in shock, but most were running to the exits. Bud Roberts fought his way through the hysterical masses to get to the Admiral and Commander Turner. He had seen them struggling with a man with a gun, and he had seen all three hit the ground. From the way they fell, he guessed that one of them had been shot, but he couldn�t tell which one. He started to pull out his cell phone to call 911 when he noticed at least a dozen people doing the same. Putting his phone back in his pocket, he cautiously approached the three men. Even as he reached them, Sturgis pushed himself off the other two. He had blood on his hands and his uniform. Alarmed, Bud stepped forward.
George Washington University Hospital
0425 EST
Meredith Cavanaugh stepped out of the elevator and headed to the waiting room outside the surgical ward. Her arms were laden with clothes and coffee. From the moment that A.J. had called, well past midnight, to tell her what had happened, she had been on the move. She had gone to the Roberts house first. When she pulled up, she saw a weeping, hysterical Harriet trying to drag an equally weeping, hysterical little A.J. over to the car. Both were still in their pajamas and both looked on the verge of collapse. It had taken her the better part of an hour to get Harriet calmed down enough to realize that driving to the hospital in her nightgown was not the best idea. Together, the two women got little A.J. back to sleep, and then Harriet had gathered up a change of clothes and a set of keys to both Harm and Mac�s apartments. Promising to call her as soon as she got there, Meredith headed off to Harm�s. She had stopped there just long enough to get a change of clothes for him, and then she was off to the nearest Starbuck�s for coffee and bagels. She didn�t imagine anyone would eat anything, but she wanted to have it on hand just in case.