Gratitude
Part Sixteen
Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to calm down. The first thing she was going to do was get out of this dress. Then she was going to wash her face and brush her teeth. Then she was going to go to the kitchen and make herself a pot of strong coffee and figure out what to say to Harm when she saw him again.
Again proved to be a whole lot sooner than she thought. After cleaning up and changing into a pair of sweats and one of the many t-shirts she had stolen from Harm over the years, this one proclaiming her the property of the United States Navy, she unlocked her bedroom door and headed into the kitchen. Where she found Harm staring at her from his seat at the kitchen table. Two cups of coffee were set out; he picked up one and slid the other over to her. He said to her calmly, �I heard you stirring a while ago. It sounded like you were having a nightmare. I figured you�d probably need a cup of coffee.�
�I do; thanks.� Picking up the second mug, she wrapped her hands around it as she sat across from him. She sipped it carefully, relishing the strong bite of it. Harm had made it just the way she liked it. They sat there in silence, drinking their coffee and looking for a way to start things moving.
�Tell me,� Harm said quietly. She instinctively started to protest. Before she could get a word out, he stopped her. �Sarah,� he paused as he waited for her to look at him. When she did, he repeated firmly, �tell me.�
She examined his features for a moment. He looked tired. Tired and hurt and something else. Guilty, she realized with a sigh. Despite all of her protestations, he still felt guilty. Hadn�t she known he would?
�This is exactly what I didn�t want, you know,� she shook her head sadly, �I didn�t want you to feel guilty for something that wasn�t your fault, for something you had no control of. I didn�t want you to get hurt anymore. Why couldn�t you just let it go, Harm? Why couldn�t you let me go? It would be better for you in the end.�
�When, in the entire time you�ve known me, have I ever been able to let anything go?� he asked her, a hint of bitterness creeping into his voice. �It�s not in me to let things go, Mac. I know you don�t understand that, but I can�t let go of the things that matter. But I am starting to learn how to prioritize a little better. And you�re at the top of my list. So better for me or not, I�m not letting this go. I�m not letting you go,� He stopped to let that sink in, then said yet again, �tell me, Mac.�
Mac was starting to get frustrated, �Why can�t you see that it�s too late? It�s too late, Harm.�
�You�re right, Mac. It is too late.� Of all the responses he could have given her, this one rendered her speechless. After all his fighting, she never expected him to agree with her. Seeing her confusion, he continued, �It�s too late to stop this, Mac. You�ve gone too far, said too much. We both have. We can�t go back anymore. This is it. We go forward, or we stop. It�s your choice, but you need to understand that if you end it now, that�s it. It�s all over, including our friendship. Because I can�t do this anymore. I can�t do it to either of us. We deserve better than all of this pain we�ve caused ourselves, and each other. We deserve better, Mac, and I want us to find that together. But I can�t make the choice for you.� He reached out and covered her hand. �And whatever you believe, you need to understand this. Nothing could hurt more than losing you from my life. Nothing. Can you understand that?�
�Yes,� she whispered, �I do. I do understand. But what if I let you in and you lose me anyway? I feel like I�m losing myself, Harm. And I�m afraid that I�ll tell you and it won�t help. And then all I�ll do is take you down with me. I�m just trying to keep that from happening, but you won�t let me go.�
�No, I won�t. Not like this. Not when it�s not what either of us wants or needs. And if that means that we go down together, so be it,� he flashed a quick grin, �Butch and Sundance, remember? I�d rather jump off the cliff with you than sit in safety and watch you fall.�
�Butch and Sundance.� She did remember. And she remembered something else as well. Harm, standing in a minefield, trying to convince her to leave him behind. But she hadn�t. She couldn�t. Because losing him would have been worse than dying. And she finally understood. �I don�t want to stop, Harm,� her eyes were filled with a mixture of hope and confusion, �but I don�t know where to begin.�
Harm shifted his hand until he was holding hers, their fingers intertwined, �Start with last night.�
�Which part? Here, or the Admiral�s porch?�
�The Admiral�s.�
She took a deep breath and did her best to explain. �I panicked. It happens a lot. More frequently these days. Usually when I�m alone, sometimes around other people, mostly Sturgis. I guess that�s because he�s the only one I�m really around. It�s this feeling that someone�s watching me. It�s always there to some extent, even in Paraguay. But sometimes it gets really bad. I can feel it, Harm. Feel eyes on me, hunting me. And I look and look, but I never find them.�
Harm squeezed her hand, �What about the physical aspect?� He sees the puzzled look on her face and explains, �You told me what you�re thinking when it happens. But what happens to you physically?�
�Oh,� she said in comprehension, �Well, my heart races and it gets harder to breathe. And I start to tremble, I guess. Sometimes I get a headache. You know, the usual stuff. Fight or flight response.�
�You said it happens more often. How often? And you said it started in Paraguay. When exactly?�
�I...I don�t know,� Mac stammered, �I...never really thought about the specifics. I mean, when I talk to Sturgis, he never asks questions like this.�
�What kind of questions does he ask?� Harm tried to keep the jealousy out of his voice. It stung him to know how easily she could confide in Sturgis while he had to fight for any scrap of information.
Mac could see the hurt he was trying so desperately to hide. She knew he didn�t understand why she had talked to Sturgis and not him. Well, at least she could clear that one up. �He asks about the stuff happening now. How I�m feeling at the moment. Mostly, we talk about my relationships with people. The Admiral, the others at JAG. You,� she added softly. �He asks me why I react to you the way I do. Why I run, why I don�t talk to you like I talk to him.�
�And how did you answer him?� Harm asked, his voice carefully neutral.
�Honestly,� she replied. She stood up and moved her chair closer to his. Grabbing hold of both of his hands, she told him, �I told him that I talk to him because it�s easier. Sturgis doesn�t push; he doesn�t ask me things I don�t want to answer. Well, never more than once. If I tell him to let it go, he usually does. And I told him that I run from you because I can�t hide from you. No matter how much I might want to, I know that if I stay still you�ll see all the things I�m afraid to say. To you, and to myself. It�s easy to hide from Sturgis, to evade or mislead him. He doesn�t mean as much to me as you do. No one does. I don�t want to lie or mislead you, ever. So if there�s something I don�t want to tell you, I run to Sturgis for the simple solution, even if it isn�t the best solution.� She smiled self-deprecatingly as she added, �I have this nasty habit of trying to make complicated things too simple.�
Harm managed a small smile in response, �I know.� More seriously, he added. �I understand what you�re saying, I really do. I should, I�ve done it often enough myself. I guess the reason it upsets me is that when you run, you always run to someone else,� he saw the hurt flash in her eyes and rushed to explain, �I�m not accusing you, Mac. I�m just trying to explain. When I run, I just withdraw. I try to close myself off. And when you turn to someone else, it makes me feel...inadequate, I guess would be the best term. Like there was something lacking in me, something you needed that I couldn�t give. I thought I wasn�t enough. It never occurred to me that I might be too much.� His grinned slyly, �I have this nasty habit of trying to make simple things too complicated.�
�Gee, ya think?� She smiled to take the sting out of her response. �You�ve always been enough, Harm. More than enough. I always thought I wasn�t enough for you,� she shook her head, �go figure.� She sighed, and tried to get them back on track. �So to answer your question. When I think about it, I guess the first time I had one of these...attacks, we�ll call them, was probably in that bar where I met up with Hardy�s secretary. I had felt some of it from the minute I woke up in Saddiq�s compound, but that was the first time I had felt so vulnerable. So I guess that would be the first. The first one I recognized as it was happening, anyway.�
�But not the first time it happened?� he questioned, catching her involuntary slip. Watching her face, he asked, �When was the first time? Mac?� She dropped her gaze and he thought he knew when the first time was. �When I came for you, that was the first time. That�s what you meant last night. I came and when I went to get you off the table, I triggered it. I made it worse.�
She raised her eyes and saw the guilt written plainly on his face. She quickly took his face in her hands, �No, Harm. Not like that. Not like you think.� He looked at her skeptically, �You didn�t make it worse. You made it, more intense. Stronger, somehow.� She wasn�t explaining it right and she knew it. He confirmed it with his next statement.
�Mac, when you�re having negative feelings and someone comes along and makes them stronger and more intense, I think it�s safe to say they�re making it worse.�
�Damn it, Harm! Don�t do that!� She exploded out of her seat. She started to pace as best she could in her small kitchen, �This is exactly why I didn�t want to tell you! I knew you�d do this. You�re making it about you and it�s not,� Hearing herself, she backtracked. Moving back to sit by him, she reached for his hands again, �Harm, I didn�t mean it like that. I just meant that you aren�t responsible for any of the bad stuff. Something�s wrong with ME, Harm. That�s not your fault. And yeah, when these things happen and you�re here, sometimes you do make it worse. But just for a minute. And then you make it better. You always make it better. I didn�t see that at first, but I do now. They happen whether you�re here or not. You don�t cause them. But you help make them go away, just by being there. Look at me, Harm,� she said firmly. She waited until he was looking in her eyes. �It�s not your fault. It never was. I never meant to make you feel like it was, because it�s not. I need you to believe me. Right now, that�s what I need from you. Can you do that for me?�
Harm could hear the pleading in her voice. He just stared for a minute, trying to absorb what she was saying. He nodded faintly, �Yeah, Mac I can do that for you,� he glanced slyly at her, �So, if it�s not my fault. And we know it�s not your fault,� he said firmly, waiting for an acknowledgment. Seeing her faint smile, he continued hopefully, �Can we make it Webb�s fault? �Cause it usually is, you know.�
�No, we can�t,� she laughed, �Not this time. But we can say that he DID make it worse. Well, at least until Sturgis went after him and he ran for the hills.� Watching his eyebrows rise nearly to his hairline, she laughed again as she quickly explained what had happened.
He listened in amusement until she got to the part where Webb ran off, intimating that he wasn�t coming back. �Are you okay with that?� he asked hesitantly, �With him being gone.�
There was no hesitation in her own voice when she answered. �Yes,� she said simply. �I�m fine with it, Harm. Clay and I wouldn�t have worked. I don�t think I really wanted us to. I didn�t have those kinds of feelings for him. But I might have felt obligated out of guilt to try, especially since Clay was doing his best to manipulate me into it. I owe Sturgis for a lot of things, but that one might be the biggest.�
�Okay,� he said, unable to keep the relief out of his voice. If she said she didn�t have romantic feelings for Clay, he would believe her. Mac might hide her feelings from time to time, but she never lied about them. Not to him, anyway. He couldn�t say the same about her lying to herself. Putting those thoughts aside, he said, �I think you�re right, Mac. You really owe him for that. You could have ended up being Mrs. Spook. You should definitely send him a thank you card.�
She punched him lightly on the arm. �Jerk,� she said affectionately. He grinned in response.
�Yeah, yeah, I know, you hate me.�
She froze at that. Pressing one hand to his cheek, she said seriously, �No I don�t. I don�t hate you. I never could. No matter how hard I tried, I could never hate you.� His eyes glittered with tears. Giving both of them a chance to recover, she joked lightly, �And believe me, every time you sandbagged me in court, I tried really hard.�
He laughed, �That�s because you took things too personally. Besides, you don�t have to worry about that anymore.�
�No, I guess I don�t. Not now that you�re a spook yourself.� She tried to smile, but failed when she saw the unhappiness in his eyes. �Harm, what�s the matter?�
�Nothing, Mac,� he said quickly. She glared at him and crossed her arms over her chest. He sighed, �I�m just not sure how much longer I�m going to be able to do this. I don�t like being sent out to God knows where to do God knows what for God knows how long, without any kind of warning or explanation. I realized it after this first assignment, Mac. I don�t think I�m cut out to be a spook.�
�Okay,� she nodded slowly. She couldn�t say it would make her unhappy if he didn�t stay with the Agency. She worried about him enough as it is, �I can accept that. I actually agree with that. But you�d be out of a job again. What would you do then?�
�I don�t know, Mac. I haven�t spent a whole lot of time thinking about it. I�ve had other things on my mind,� he pointed out. �I�d probably do private practice somewhere. Hey, maybe I could resurrect Brumby and Brumby.� He smirked, �1-800-Sue-Navy.�
She glared at him, trying to suppress a smile. Finally, she giggled, �You�re terrible.�
�I know,� he said, delighted to hear her laugh. He just smiled at her for a moment. When she noticed he was staring, Harm said softly, �It�s nice to hear you laughing.�
�It�s nice to feel like laughing,� she responded just as softly. She grew serious, �You�re not finished questioning yet, are you?�
�No, I�m not,� he agreed. He gave her a moment to prepare herself, and then started again. �You said these attacks mostly happen when you�re alone. I can understand that. Being alone makes anyone feel vulnerable. But what about when you�re not alone? Why then?�
�I have actually thought about that one. It�s being out in the open. Anyplace where it feels like I�m open to attack. And it doesn�t matter if I�m alone or not. It�s been more often than not, recently. They happen in parking lots, at the grocery store, at the cemetery. Almost always at the cemetery, probably just because it�s a cemetery.�
�If they almost always happen there, why do you go?� He thought he understood why, but he wanted her to explain it anyway.
�If I don�t go, who will?� she asked sadly. �I know she was an awful person, Harm. I�m not trying to pretend she wasn�t. But she doesn�t deserve to be forgotten. No one deserves that. Not even Loren Singer, and especially not her baby. I don�t expect you to understand...�
�No, I do understand,� he interrupted. �And you�re right. Not even Singer deserves to be forgotten, no matter how much we didn�t like her. And the baby certainly doesn�t deserve that,� a sharp pain went through him at the thought of the baby he had been so sure was his brother�s. �I don�t want you to feel like you have to justify yourself to me, Mac. Or that you should stop going just because I haven�t come to terms with the whole thing. You�re doing a good thing, Mac. I just need you to understand why I can�t do the same. Not yet.�
�Of course I understand. And if you never reach that place, I�ll still understand. No one can blame you for not wanting to remember. I can do the remembering for both of us,� she smiled reassuringly at him. He squeezed her hand before getting them back on topic.
�So now that we�ve talked about these panic attacks, or whatever they are, let�s move on.� He hesitated. This one was going to be harder, �What happened last night when I touched you, Mac? You started talking about blood. What were you seeing?�
�I saw blood on your hands,� she murmured, almost too low for him to hear. He leaned forward, �I saw blood on your hands, and your face was so full of pain, but you were trying to smile at me. You kept whispering that it�s not too late.� She trembled slightly as she remembered that awful vision. Gathering herself, she distanced herself enough to explain. �These...whatever they are, flashbacks I guess, for lack of a better term, don�t happen very often. Thank God.�
�But they have happened before?� he asked.
�Yeah, three times that I can think of offhand, although I might be missing one or two,� knowing he wanted more information, she continued. �The first one was in my office. I sliced my finger pretty bad on a file. I had gotten a tissue to stop the bleeding. I threw it away and everything seemed fine, until I saw that some blood had gotten onto the folder. And it just slammed into me like a freight train. So much was happening and I couldn�t process it all. Even now, weeks later, it�s hard to think about it. I remember seeing the blood on my hands, but I didn�t know whose blood it was. And a woman screaming, but not me. I think maybe it was the missionary woman. And then I thought she was calling my name, but that ended up being Jen trying to get my attention. Well, Jen and then Admiral Chegwidden. I think it was because it upset me so much that I...�she cut herself off abruptly, not wanting to tell Harm about her confrontation with the Admiral.
�That you what? That you mouthed off to him and risked your career?� he asked mildly, �What were your exact words? Something along the lines of �I won�t let the team down�, wasn�t it?� He smiled a little at her dumbfounded expression, �Bud and Harriet came over that night. They told me what happened. Not a smart move, Marine.�
She blushed profusely. �I was upset. And he startled me,� she added defensively, �And he was being a jerk. He kept getting on everyone�s case about how the office was going to hell, when it was his fault. If he hadn�t accepted your resignation, we wouldn�t all be so off-kilter. And I wasn�t the only one who thought so. They all just took it out on me because he�s the Admiral. So I took it out on him for all of us.�
�Took one for the team, so to speak? Mac,� he started to reprimand her, then decided to let it go. It was over and she still had her job. Besides, he kind of admired her for it. �Let�s just move on. You said there were two more, besides last night?�
She nodded and quickly explained what she had experienced in the conference room when she saw the Admiral, Bud and Sturgis standing together. Harm just nodded thoughtfully, so she went on to tell him about what happened when she went to confront Sturgis about Clay. When she finished, she asked with some trepidation, �Harm, do you think I�m going crazy?�
Harm immediately reached over and wrapped his hands around her arms. �No, Mac. I don�t think you�re crazy at all. I think you have a pretty serious problem. I would say it was Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or something similar. But I don�t really know much about it, so I can�t say with any certainty what it is.� He smiled at her in reassurance, �But I do know without a doubt that you aren�t crazy. You�re still behaving rationally, for the most part,� he added jokingly, �and you aren�t exhibiting any behavior that�s so far beyond the norm that I would question your sanity. I think everything that happened is finally catching up with you. You�re not crazy, Sarah.�
She nodded timidly, �I know that. Deep down, I do. I just don�t understand what�s going on or why it�s happening. That just makes it worse, you know? I don�t know how to stop it. I�m scared, Harm,� she admitted, �I�m just scared.�
�I know you are, Mac. But when has that ever stopped you before? You�re still you, Mac. The same semper-fi, kick-ass jarhead you were when I met you. You just have to keep remembering that,� He stood up, pulling her with him. He moved to pull her into his arms, but she stepped away. He sighed.
�I�m sorry, Harm. I want to believe you, but part of me still thinks I won�t beat this, whatever it is.� She looked at him apologetically, �And that part keeps telling me that I should make you leave now while I still can.�
�You can�t, Mac. I�m not leaving you behind.� He stared hard at her, �So we can do this the hard way and push against each other until we both get tired, or we can do what we�ve always done in the past. Work as a team, figure out what�s wrong, and fix it. Together. What do you say? Batman and Robin?�
She shook her head slowly as she gazed at him. He could feel his heart begin to sink when he saw a suspicious twinkle in her eye, �I don�t want to be Robin anymore. Robin was a weenie. I want to be Catwoman,� she said firmly, �She was cool. And she didn�t put up with any of Batman�s shit, either.�
He protested, �Yeah, but Batman and Catwoman were enemies! We�re not enemies,� he said trying to suppress his smile. It wasn�t working and the corners of his mouth twitched.
Mac was smiling openly, one of those high-wattage grins that lit up her face. �They weren�t always enemies. And they had all this...tension between them,� she added seductively. She took a step towards him. �They had chemistry. But if you want me to be Robin...� she trailed off with a shrug and started to turn away.
Harm promptly reached out and pulled her into his arms. She smiled up at him impishly. Intent on wiping the grin off her face, he pressed himself closer and leaned down to whisper in her ear, �You�ve convinced me. You can be Catwoman.� She shivered as he brushed his lips against hers. For the first time since she had gone to Paraguay, she felt safe and content. She nuzzled into his arms and laid her head against his chest. He murmured her name as he rested his chin on her head. When she didn�t answer, he said a little louder, �Mac?�
�Hmm?�
�Does this mean you�re going to wear Catwoman�s black vinyl jumpsuit?�
�It sure does, Harm...just as soon as I see you in Batman�s tights.�
Saturday morning
Mac�s apartment
0635 EST
Sarah Mackenzie woke up with the sound of breaking glass still echoing in her ears. The same nightmare had plagued her dreams, a little more intensely than before. She shook her head to clear away the last remnants of it from her mind. Looking down, she was puzzled to find herself still in her red dress. The last thing she remembered was flinging herself onto her bed after...after running out of the living room and leaving Harm standing there. Memories of last night�s confrontation flooded her mind. �Oh God, what did I do? Why did I tell him? I just made everything worse. What am I going to do now?�