Gratitude
Part Seventeen
Someone knocking on the door again startled Harm out of his contemplation of Mac. He gently slid himself out from underneath her and moved to tell whoever it was to quit making so much noise. Looking through the peephole, he saw the concerned face of Sturgis Turner. He unlocked the door before his friend could knock again and quickly opened it, placing a finger on his lips to keep Sturgis from saying anything. Sturgis glanced over at the couch and noticed Mac sleeping. He nodded silently and followed Harm into the kitchen.
“You want some coffee?” Harm asked quietly, already moving to make a fresh pot.
“Sure,” Sturgis said distractedly, his gaze still focused on the living room, “So I take it this means that you and Mac have come to some sort of...understanding?”
Harm nodded as he moved to the table. “Last night as we were leaving the party, she had one of her...panic attacks?”
“That’s as good a description as any, I suppose. Since you used the phrase ‘one of’, I’m going to assume she told you about the others?” His voice rose questioningly at the end.
“Yeah,” he nodded, “she did. This morning, after we fought last night and she locked herself in the bedroom and I ended up on the couch. I finally decided I wasn’t going to leave until I got some answers. I managed to convince her that telling me wouldn’t hurt me as much as continually pushing me away.”
“And were you right?” Sturgis asked, “Was not knowing worse than finally having the answers?”
“Yes,” he said with a sigh, “but not by much. I had no idea it was this bad, Sturgis. I mean, I knew she was on edge, but not like this. And I can’t for the life of me figure out what to do to help her. Hell, I don’t even know how to keep from making it worse.”
“You can start by not blaming yourself,” Sturgis said firmly, “It’s not your fault. Whatever’s going on with her, you didn’t start it and you feeling guilty is only going to make it harder for her.”
Harm sighed again, “Yeah, that’s exactly what she said.”
“What else did she say?” he asked cautiously. Despite Harm’s assertion that Mac had told him everything, Sturgis didn’t want to slip and reveal something he shouldn’t. He hoped she had told him everything; it would make things easier for all three of them.
Harm knew exactly what Sturgis was doing. He couldn’t blame him, either. He would do the same thing in the other man’s place. Knowing that didn’t stop the familiar flicker of annoyance at the thought of how long Sturgis had known what was going on and hadn’t said anything. Or the much larger feeling of jealousy at how close they were. But he pushed both emotions aside and focused on the problem at hand. Helping Mac was the most important thing right now.
“She told me about the attacks. She told me about the flashbacks or whatever they are, the ones where she sees the blood on different people and hears the woman screaming. She had one of those last night, too.” At Sturgis’ questioning look, he explained, “She was trying to storm off to her room and I grabbed her to pull her back. That’s when it happened. She saw blood on my hands and said it looked like I was in pain. I was whispering something about it not being too late.” He couldn’t quite suppress a shudder at the memory of the horrified look on her face. He pushed the image aside. “She told me you witnessed one, too?”
“Two actually. The first one, after a staff meeting, is what tipped me off that something was wrong,” Sturgis replied, still feeling guilty that it had taken something like that to notice a problem, “The second one was the next night in my apartment. It took me awhile to get her to tell me about them, though.”
“You’re kidding. Mac, be less than forthcoming?” Harm joked. Sturgis’ comments had triggered something else she had told him, “You know, Mac told me about those two. She also told me why she was at your apartment in the first place.” When Sturgis just raised a brow, Harm asked in amusement, “Did you really chase off Webb?”
“I wouldn’t say that,” Sturgis replied evenly, “I merely pointed out certain facts that he seemed to be ignoring. Then I told him that he could bring those facts to Mac’s attention, or I could. It’s not my fault he was too much of a coward to stay around and face the consequences of his actions.”
Harm shook his head with a smile, “Sturgis Turner, preacher’s son, bullying a man in a hospital bed. Who’d have thought?” He laughed softly. After a moment, he looked at Sturgis and said softly, “Thank you.”
“For what? Running off the competition?” Sturgis said with a knowing smile.
Harm answered him seriously, “For looking out for her. For making sure that Webb didn’t take advantage of her guilt anymore. For getting her to open up and tell you what was troubling her. For trying to get her to talk to me and tell me what was wrong. For being the friend she needed,” He said sincerely. “She needed you and you were there for her. And as much as it annoys me that she could talk to you and not me, I will be eternally grateful for what you’ve done for her.”
“You understand why she didn’t want to tell you, don’t you?” Sturgis brushed aside the thanks, “She thought she was protecting you. I imagine you probably would have done the same thing in her place.”
“Yeah, I probably would. Still stings a little, though. I guess I just need a little while to deal with that. None of which detracts from how much you’ve helped her,” he added.
Sturgis shrugged, “You don’t need to thank me, buddy. I didn’t really do all that much.”
“I disagree,” Harm argued.
“So do I.” Mac’s voice came softly from the doorway. She walked over to the two startled men. Reaching out, she placed a hand on Sturgis’ shoulder. “You did much more than you think, Sturgis. Much more than you’ll ever really know. You saw me, Sturgis. When I was invisible to everyone else, you saw me, and you helped me. You gave me a place to hide, and I needed that. So thank you,” she squeezed his shoulder. Then she glanced over at Harm. Seeing how grave they both looked, she decided to lighten the moment. Winking at Harm, she flashed him an impudent grin, “And now that I’ve made the great Sturgis Turner blush, why don’t I get us all some coffee?”
Harm burst out laughing as Sturgis just sat there, embarrassed. He was still laughing as Mac handed them each a cup of coffee. Sturgis glared at him, “It’s not that funny.”
“Not to you, maybe,” Harm responded, still chuckling. “I think it’s hilarious. I haven’t seen you this embarrassed since the Academy. You know, when...”
“Buddy,” Sturgis interrupted, “before you finish that thought, might I remind you that for every embarrassing story you know about me, I know at least five about you? And I will be more than happy to share them with the Colonel if you even think of finishing what you were about to say.”
“Play nice, boys,” Mac scolded teasingly, “or I’ll have to give you a time-out.”
They stared at her before protesting simultaneously, “You started it!” Mac just laughed and set her own mug on the table. Looking at the two occupied seats, she started to head to her desk to grab a chair. Moving quickly, Harm reached out and caught her around the waist. Yanking her into his lap, he commanded, “Sit here. And stop squirming,” he added as she tried to wiggle out of his arms.
“Harm, let go,” she hissed furiously. She actually enjoyed the idea of sitting in his lap, but she wasn’t about to admit that to him. Not with Sturgis sitting across the table.
Harm just grinned and held her more firmly, “Nope. Now drink your coffee.”
“Why Harm, I do believe you’ve made the great Sarah Mackenzie blush,” Sturgis grinned back at his friend. Mac glared at him and stuck out her tongue. Sturgis continued to grin as he told Harm, “They teach Marines that in boot camp, you know.”
“Oh really? What else do you think they teach them to do with their tongues?” He asked innocently.
“Harm!!” they chorused in horror. “Buddy, that’s disgusting,” Sturgis said reproachfully. Mac just turned beet red and she buried her face in her hands.
“What?” Harm said defensively, “Oh come on. It’s not like I’ve never said worse. Neither one of you seemed bothered by it before.”
“That’s different.” Mac’s voice was muffled by her hands. Sturgis nodded his head vehemently in agreement.
“How?” Harm was genuinely curious at this point.
“Because you said it to Sturgis!” Mac protested, finally raising her head, “You don’t say things like that about me to Sturgis. It’s like...like...”she fumbled for a moment before continuing, “like Harriet talking about having sex with Bud.” All three shuddered at the thought.
“Ew, Mac!” Harm whined, “Was that really necessary?”
“Yes, because it illustrated my point,” Mac said, “Bud and Harriet are like family. You don’t make comments about family members having sex. Especially not to each other!”
Harm objected, “But I told you a long time ago, Mac. I don’t think of you like a sister.”
“Well, I do!” Sturgis finally chimed into the conversation. He continued a little more calmly, “Harm, buddy, I’m serious. I do not think of Mac in that way. And I don’t want to think of Mac in that way. No offense, Mac,” he added hastily.
“None taken, believe me,” Mac turned to look at Harm, “ I don’t have any problem with you thinking of me that way, actually I kind of like it. Sorry, Sturgis,” she apologized when he moaned in disgust. She continued, “But I really, REALLY, don’t want Sturgis thinking of me like that. It’s...icky. Okay?”
“Okay,” Harm replied, trying desperately not to laugh at hearing the tough Marine Colonel use the word ‘icky’. He understood what she was saying, though. He was still trying to get the thought of Bud and Harriet having sex out of his head. He shuddered again, “How about we change the subject?”
They both nodded their heads. Sturgis spoke up, “I have an idea. Why don’t we go grab something to eat? There’s that little deli nearby, across from the park. I’m sure it has food you’ll both like.”
“It does. It’s one of the few places Harm and I can agree on. And I am hungry. No comments,” she warned. She looked over at Harm, “Sound good?”
“Are you sure you wouldn’t rather just order in?” he asked hesitantly. He wasn’t sure about the idea of Mac being so near to the park, considering what she told him about open spaces.
Mac recognized his concern; she always felt a little tug of anxiety at the thought of stepping outside the safety of her apartment. But she wasn’t going to let it stop her from living her life. She reassured him, “It’ll be alright, Harm. I can’t hide in my apartment forever. And you and Sturgis will be there. Maybe that will keep it from happening.”
“And if it doesn’t?” Harm wasn’t convinced.
“If it doesn’t,” she answered firmly, “then we will handle it. I’ve got to start working out how to deal with this, instead of just reacting to it. Why not start now?”
“Besides,” Sturgis added, “It’s a beautiful day. We could all use some sunshine and fresh air.”
“You’re sure?” Harm asked Mac. When she nodded encouragingly, he sighed, “Well then, let’s go. Before Mac gets so hungry she starts gnawing on the furniture.”
She elbowed him in the gut. “Jerk,” she muttered affectionately, before heading out of the kitchen to go change.
Park in Georgetown
They had made it through lunch without incident, in large part due to the fact that Mac had been laughing too hard to think about panicking. Sturgis and Harm had decided that distracting her would be the best way to keep her from stressing about the situation. Harm had chosen the method; he challenged Sturgis to see who could tell the most embarrassing story about the other, with Mac as the judge. He figured telling her humiliating Academy stories would keep her amused for at least a couple of hours. And it had, so much so that Harm didn’t even mind that she ruled Sturgis the winner. However, he did decide he was going to have to dig up some better dirt on the good Commander. Sturgis had far too much blackmail material on him. Still, it was worth it to see Mac so happy and carefree for a change.
Mac had been in such a good mood that she decided she wanted to go for a walk in the park. Though uneasy, Harm and Sturgis had agreed. Now the three of them walked down one of the park’s twisting paths, absorbing the sun and avoiding the worst of the crowds. It seemed half of D.C. had come out to enjoy the weekend.
“You know, all you two need are a couple of dark suits and a President,” Mac commented. They both looked down at her in confusion. Harm was standing on her right and Sturgis on her left; they were trying, and failing, to look casual while still scanning the crowds constantly. Mac laughed, “You look like Secret Service agents, guys. Relax, we’re supposed to be enjoying the day, not looking for threats to national security.” They smiled at her and attempted to loosen up and enjoy the walk.
She joked about it, but she was actually comforted by their actions. She had started to feel the panic rising almost as soon as they began their trek through the busy park. The farther they walked, the worse it was getting. She knew she should just tell them so that they could head home, but she felt ridiculous. They were in the middle of a park full of families and couples enjoying the day, and she was afraid of being attacked. She could feel her hands start to tremble, so she clenched them into fists. As her breath started to quicken, she knew she was fighting a losing battle. She could either wait until she had a meltdown, or she could tell Harm now and see if he could help her fight it. Mac knew logically what the right decision was, but the part of her that still remembered what happened in Paraguay, fought it. She wasn’t sure if either of them could handle it happening again. ‘Well, there’s only one way to find out,’ she thought to herself, ‘Suck it up, Marine.’
“Harm?” the timid voice coming from his left startled him out of his daydreams. They had passed a young couple pushing a stroller a few minutes ago, and Harm couldn’t help picturing himself in the other man’s role of husband and daddy. It wasn’t the first time; he had been having that particular fantasy since the day little A.J. was born. And for the first time in he didn’t know how long, his fantasy looked like it might come true. ‘Perfect,’ he thought, turning to the object of his fantasy. The tender smile vanished after a look at Mac’s face. Something was wrong. Mac’s body was rigid, her jaw tense as she kept her eyes fixed straight ahead. He asked her cautiously, “Mac, what’s wrong?”
“It’s happening,” she whispered softly, just loud enough for Harm and Sturgis to hear. They glanced at each other over the top of Mac’s head. Sturgis nodded his head towards Harm, motioning him to take the lead.
“What’s happening, Mac? A panic attack?”
Her head jerked up and down sharply, “I can feel it, Harm. I can feel someone watching me.”
Harm tried to reassure her, “Mac, it’s okay. Sturgis and I have been scanning the crowds. No one’s watching you.” He ignored the fact that the surrounding trees made it simple for someone to look and stay hidden. She didn’t need reminders like that right now.
“You aren’t watching the people behind us,” she said tensely. She was right, he thought to himself. Neither one of them had looked back since they had veered off onto their current path. Not that he believed anyone was there, but he would check it out for Mac’s sake. Maybe once she knew no one was behind her, the panic would ease off a little. He scanned the surroundings and quickly came up with a plan. “Okay, Mac. Here’s what we’re going to do. See that empty bench just ahead to the right? The three of us are going to go over to it. I’m going to sit down and turn sideways on the bench, so I’m facing the path behind us. Sturgis is going to stand behind the bench next to me, and you’re going to sit facing me. That way we’ll both be able to see the crowd behind us, and you can keep your eyes on the people in front. Sound like a plan?” He tried to keep his voice matter of fact without sounding patronizing.
Mac nodded silently. They moved as quickly as they could to the bench without drawing attention to themselves. Harm slid onto the bench and faced Mac, drawing her down playfully. At least, he hoped it seemed playful. Since she had mentioned the people behind them, he had begun to feel anxious himself. He wondered if Sturgis felt the same way, but nothing showed in his stance. ‘Sturgis should have been a professional poker player,’ he thought idly as they both began to scan the faces moving past them.
In actuality, Sturgis was beginning to feel anxious. The weeks of trying to help Mac were starting to wear on him. And not just today, he had begun to look more closely at his surroundings whenever he was out alone. A few days ago, he had been certain that he was being watched as he crossed the parking lot at work. A man was standing there taking pictures and he swore he could feel the camera lens directed straight at him. When the man had handed his camera to a passerby and posed in front of the building, he had felt like an idiot. Becoming suspicious of tourists while living in the nation’s capital was not a good idea. Even now, as he watched a small cluster of tourists pass by, he felt as though he had seen one of them before. He shook his head impatiently. ‘Stop it, Sturgis,’ he berated himself, ‘you aren’t going to do Mac any good if you become just as paranoid as she is.’ He looked over at Harm and said quietly, “I don’t see anyone, buddy. How about you?”
“No, I can’t find anything out of the ordinary,” he replied, looking over at Mac. “Do you want to look and see if you notice anything?”
“No,” she muttered, “I won’t see anything and then I’ll feel even more like an idiot.” Harm could see her fighting back tears. “Can we go back to my place, please? I just want to go home.”
“Are you sure you don’t need another minute?” When she shook her head, he stood up. Reaching for her hand, he pulled her up, “Okay, Marine. Let’s go home.”
Mac’s Apartment
Harm was exhausted. When they returned from the park, Mac had headed directly to her room, murmuring something about a shower. He and Sturgis had waited until they heard the water start before beginning a discussion about what to do to help Mac. Harm suggested asking the Admiral for some personal leave, but Sturgis had immediately nixed that idea. The Admiral was still in a foul mood; he wasn’t going to grant Mac leave without a very good reason. And they both knew better than to suggest that Mac inform him of the situation, she and the Admiral were on shaky enough ground as it was. Mac didn’t want to risk her career by making anything official. That also eliminated the possibility of getting professional help through work. When Sturgis had mentioned a private therapist, Harm had just snorted and wished him luck in making that happen. There was no way Mac would voluntarily go talk to a stranger about her problems. She had a hard enough time talking to her friends. Then they had come up with a solution; they would mention the therapist first, and when Mac balked, they would suggest Chaplain Turner instead. Sturgis’ father wasn’t a stranger, and he did have a degree in psychology. Plus, as a military man, he could be counted on to be discreet. Sturgis had even gone so far as to set up a meeting for the following Friday.
With that settled, the next hurdle became what to do in the meantime. Harm didn’t want her to be left alone if at all possible. Work wasn’t a problem; Sturgis was there. And the Admiral was being very careful not to hand out too many out of town assignments, so there would be little chance of one of them being sent away. It was the time she wasn’t at work that Harm worried about. He had no way of predicting when, where, or how long his next assignment for the Agency would be. He only knew that if it took him away from Mac for any length of time, he wouldn’t be doing it. And then he would be unemployed, again. He had complained about the situation until Sturgis had sarcastically suggested that he give himself another concussion. Which had given Harm the perfect solution. Quickly dialing up Catherine Gale, Harm asked about Agency doctors. When she had asked if he was all right, he had very casually mentioned that the effects of his last concussion were acting up, most likely as a result of the last assignment. And just as he suspected, Catherine had immediately made plans to have him doing desk duty until a doctor could check him out. She made an appointment for him that Wednesday, which Harm had no intention of keeping. He figured, considering his widely known abhorrence of doctors, he could get away with postponing his appointments for at least a week before anyone became suspicious. As he hung up the phone with his ‘wife’, he patted himself on the back for his ingenious solution. And then had turned around to find one very irate Marine Colonel.
They were right; Mac had balked when Harm mentioned the psychologist. In fact, she had thrown one heck of a temper tantrum about the whole thing. It took her a good ten minutes to finish her tirade, at which point Sturgis ‘came up with’ the idea of going to his father. Mac had given in surprisingly quickly, afraid that if she said no, they’d decide to have her carted off somewhere against her will. However, she had continued to glare at Harm for another thirty minutes or so, prompting him to vow silently that Sturgis was going to play ‘bad cop’ from now on.
It had taken longer to convince her that she shouldn’t be alone for any length of time. Sturgis had finally had to bring up the incident in the park this afternoon. He pointed out that she had handled herself much better with them around to help her. It had taken some convincing, but she had eventually agreed to allow Harm to drive her to and from work on his way to the office. And to have one of them go with her to run errands. Having gotten that taken care of, Sturgis had gone home. Harm had stayed to keep her company. He had done his best to keep her occupied. They had watched two movies, gone over some of her cases, eaten dinner and played a board game. Eventually, Mac began to drag, until Harm had finally planted her on the couch and turned on the television. She was asleep before the end of the first commercial break. Now, he was sitting here trying to gather up the energy to carry her to the bedroom, get her tucked in and get himself back over to his place without falling over in exhaustion. Eventually deciding it was now or never, he carefully lifted Mac in his arms and carried her to her bed. Laying her down gently, he pulled the covers over her and turned to leave.
“Harm?” her voice was sleepy as she called to him. He moved back to the bed and sat on the edge. Brushing her hair from her face, he soothingly told her to go back to sleep. She reached for his hand and pressed it to her cheek. “Harm, would you mind...I mean you don’t have to...but if you could...it’s just that I...would you please stay here tonight?” She blushed, and then added softly, “You can sleep in here with me since you’re too big for the couch. Unless it makes you uncomfortable, I mean. But we slept in the same bed in Paraguay and...okay, that probably wasn’t the best example. You know what, never mind. I’m just being silly and I’m sure you’d rather be in your bed and...”
“Mac,” he halted her ramblings by placing his hand gently over his mouth, “stop talking and let me get a word in, okay?” She nodded her head, her eyes wide. He smiled softly at her, “If you promise to keep quiet and go to sleep, then I’d be happy to stay. But you need to rest, so no more talking, okay?” She promptly placed her hands over the one he still had covering her mouth and nodded. He could feel her smile under his palm as her eyes twinkled merrily at him. He nudged her with his hip. “Move it or lose it, Marine,” he chuckled before stripping down to his boxers and crawling in beside her. She hesitated for a moment, then shrugged and snuggled up against him, her head on his chest. She was asleep before Harm reached over to turn off the light.
Mac’s Apartment
1145 EST
The sound of someone knocking at the door woke Harm. Momentarily disoriented, he looked around in confusion. Two half-eaten omelets were sitting on the table in front of the couch. The television was on, but there was nothing but a blue screen. ‘The movie’ he remembered hazily. Mac had been pretty tense after their discussion in the kitchen, so he had suggested eating breakfast and watching a movie to help her relax a little. ‘Well,’ he thought to him self in amusement, ‘it worked. She’s definitely relaxed.’ Mac was curled up on her side with her head in his lap and one arm wrapped around his thigh. He quickly decided it would be better if he ignored the location of her arm. They had made progress, but not that much progress. Still, that didn’t mean he couldn’t take a few minutes to watch her sleep. He had meant what he said in Paraguay, he had forgotten how beautiful she was. With everything that had happened over the past year, starting with Bud’s leg and ending with his arrest, he had taken the little things in his life for granted. Things like the way her lashes brushed her cheek when she was asleep, the softness of her skin under his hand, that adorably shy little smile on her face when she asked him if she could lay her head on his leg, the way she would blush when....
1430 EST
2250 EST