Gratitude
Part Fifteen
Harm watched Mac�s eyes fill with memories, the same memories that were flooding his mind. Memories of Mac, standing in front of him with her wide eyes and soft voice, asking him questions that at the time he hadn�t known the answers to. He remembered how beautiful she looked, beautiful and vulnerable and sad. And so damn far away; even when her body was pressed up against him, she had been out of reach. Standing here now, he marveled how little things had changed over two years. She was still standing in front of him, still so beautiful and so vulnerable and so sad. And still so very far away. �But things are different now,� he reminded himself. �Last time she walked away and you just accepted it. You let her say goodbye and leave you standing out here alone. You aren�t going to accept it this time. You aren�t going to let her say goodbye.� He started to speak, but even as he opened his mouth he watched her face change. A moment ago, she had been standing in the past with him, bound by their shared remembrances. Now, her entire body had stiffened and her eyes were full of panic. He thought for a moment that it had something to do with him, that she had somehow sensed his intention to renew their aborted conversation from earlier. But she wasn�t even focused on him; she wasn�t focused on anything. Her gaze darted around, never settling on any one spot, constantly scanning her surroundings. Harm began to recognize her movements. They were the same ones from outside his apartment two weeks ago.
Mac could feel the night closing in, watching her. It was like it was taunting her, daring her to come and find it. But no matter how hard she looked; all she could see was darkness and shadows. The panic was beginning to overwhelm her. It was pressing down on her chest, making it difficult to breathe. Frantically, she whirled around, trying to find whatever it was that was haunting her and make it stop. She had completely forgotten she wasn�t alone until Harm reached up and grabbed her shoulders. She barely managed to stifle a scream as she wrenched herself away from him and pressed her back to the wall. Only when she saw Harm raise his hands and take a deliberate step backward did she realize where she was and what she was doing. She lifted one hand out in front of her in a warning for Harm to keep his distance. Placing the other on her abdomen she tried to force the fresh night air into her heaving lungs. She carefully avoided his gaze until the worst of the panic passed. Reluctantly she raised her eyes to his. She knew that no matter what she said to him now, he wouldn�t leave it alone until he got his answers. Unable to think of the answers to give him, she did the only thing she could think of. She stalled.
Harm was confused, worried, and frustrated, not necessarily in that order. And as he watched Mac avoid his gaze, he became angry. He knew what she was doing. She was trying to think of a way out of this without telling him what was wrong. He wasn�t about to let her get away with it. He didn�t want her protection, he wanted answers, and he was going to get them. But if he pushed her now, she would just run. Probably straight back inside to hide behind Sturgis, since he seemed to be the only one who knew what was going on. And Sturgis would protect her from him if she asked him to. No, he had to get her somewhere without an escape route, where she wouldn�t be able to run or to hide. And he had to do it before she realized what was going on. Fortunately, the easiest way for him to do that was to give her what he knew she wanted. Time to stall. With that in mind, he carefully erased any trace of his thoughts from his face and stepped cautiously forward. Reaching out his hand, he said softly, �Come on, Mac. It�s getting chilly out. Let�s get you home, okay?�
Mac nodded her head, �Okay.� She wasn�t at all suspicious; she was too relieved that she had more time to come up with a diversion. Placing her hand in his, she allowed him to draw her up close and wrap an arm around her shoulders.
Harm got them both into the car and on the road as fast as he could without setting off any of her alarms. He resisted the urge to ignore the speed limits and floor it, keeping it to his usual ten miles over whatever was posted. She didn�t say a word the entire time they drove to her apartment. She didn�t notice he had parked the car in front of her building until he had already opened her door for her. Absentmindedly trailing behind him into the elevator, she was still at a loss on how to keep him from asking any questions. She finally decided that there was no reason she couldn�t just stall a little longer. She�d tell him she was too worn out to talk about it tonight and agree to talk to him tomorrow. Pleased with herself for coming up with a viable plan, she didn�t see the trap he had set until it was too late. Without her realizing it, he had gotten her into her apartment and followed behind her. It was only when she heard the sharp click of the lock that she understood how deftly she had been manipulated. Furious with Harm for tricking her, and with herself for falling for it, she spun around to face him. He was leaning against the door with his arms folded on his chest, his legs crossed at the ankle, and his face sporting an irritatingly smug expression. He had her and they both knew it. �Goddamn, low-down, lying, sneaky squid!� she hissed at him, unable to rein in her anger in the face of his arrogance.
His grin grew wider, �Thank you. I�ll take that as a complement.� He knew he had to keep her angry. It threw her off-balance and when she was off-balance, she was more likely to blurt things out that she might prefer to keep secret. He figured if he pushed hard enough, she would reveal what was wrong. Or kill him, he thought as he waited for her next move. He didn�t have to wait long. She stormed over to the door and attempted to shove him away long enough to get it unlocked. He simply planted his feet and braced an arm against the door. When she moved to adjust herself in an attempt to get better leverage, he stepped around her and nudged her none too gently until he was once again blocking the handle.
She pushed at him again, this time knocking his hip into the doorknob. He winced in pain, but stayed where he was. Recognizing that this was getting her nowhere, she stepped back and tried to bring her temper under control. When she was able to speak without yelling, she said, �I want you to leave.�
�Why? So you can fall apart without an audience? I don�t think so,� he said, his own temper beginning to flair.
She went on the offensive, praying that he would back down, knowing he wouldn�t. �What happened to the Harmon Rabb who said he wasn�t going to push, huh? The one who was going to let me set the pace? When did you go from that Harmon Rabb to the one who�s got me locked in my own apartment?�
�When you freaked out on the Admiral�s porch, Mac! When you pulled away from me like you thought I was going to attack you! When you let me stand there and see you losing control and then still tried to figure out a way to keep me in the dark!� Harm�s anger took control as he stepped away from the door, �I won�t be kept in the dark anymore, Mac! Something is seriously wrong with you and you�re going to tell me what it is even if I DO have to tie you to a chair!� he repeated his threat from two weeks ago.
It was too much for her. Mac�s nerves snapped. Knowing she had to get away from him now, she headed swiftly for the safety of her bedroom. She was almost there when she made the mistake of tossing over her shoulder, �I�d like to see you try!�
Harm lost it. He rushed forward without thinking and yanked her back towards him. Placing one arm around her waist and the other on her upper arm, he roughly turned her around. His eyes locked with hers and fear knotted his gut. She was staring at him in shock. His fear increased when she began to speak.
�Blood,� she whispered in horror, �Blood on your hands. Oh God, Harm, why is there blood on your hands?� Her entire body began to shake violently. When her legs started to give way, he grabbed hold of her and pulled her tightly to him. Her hands fisted onto his jacket as she kept murmuring, �what�s happening to me, Harm? Why is this happening?�
�I don�t know. I don�t know, Sarah,� he said helplessly. His heart broke as she started sobbing. He kept one arm at her waist and reached up with the other to stroke her hair. He struggled to find words that would comfort her, but he just kept repeating, �It�s okay.� He had to believe that it would be okay. He would make it be okay. He began to say it aloud, �It�s okay, Mac. It�s all right. It�s going to be all right. I promise, Mac. It�ll be okay. I�ll make it okay for you.�
Hearing those words, she stiffened and pulled away. �Don�t say that,� she said, her eyes full of intensity as they held his, �Don�t say that you�ll make it okay. Don�t ever say that again.�
Harm was confused. He didn�t know what happened, but he had to make her see he could help, �But I can. Mac, if you just tell me what�s wrong, I promise I can help you fix it.�
�Don�t! Don�t make a promise you can�t keep!� The words began to pour out of her and she couldn�t stop them now. She shook with emotions she couldn�t even begin to name, �Don�t you get it? You can�t make this okay. That�s the problem! You tried to make it okay in Paraguay and it didn�t work. It was all for nothing! Everything you gave up for me was all for nothing!�
�How can you believe that?� Harm�s frustration increased at her cryptic words, �How can you believe that I would ever think that? That I would ever believe that everything I gave up was meaningless?�
�That�s the point!� she yelled, �You don�t think it was for nothing. Because you don�t know the truth!�
Harm lost it. �Of course I don�t know the truth! How can I when you won�t tell me! When you refuse to tell me anything! God, Mac, you haven�t told me anything since the minute I found you!�
�You don�t want to know,� shot out of her mouth before she could take it back.
�Of course I want to know! I deserve to know!� Harm stepped forward, �I have a right to know, Mac. I have a right to know what�s going on. To know what�s been going on since I found you. God, Mac, I don�t understand what�s happening with you. Help me understand. Help me understand why you�ve been acting this way. Help me understand why you think it was all for nothing. Why was saving you all for nothing?�
�Because you didn�t save me!� she shouted. Her hands clapped over her mouth as she finally revealed what she tried so hard to keep from him. Looking up at him confirmed her fears; his face was full of hurt and confusion. Why did he have to keep pushing? Why didn�t he just leave it alone? And now there was nothing left to do but finish it.
�I know you...�her voice caught. Inhaling deeply, she spoke a little more calmly, �I know you don�t understand why I seemed so ungrateful. Why I didn�t say thank you. I wanted to Harm. You have to believe that. I wanted so much to throw my arms around you and thank you. I had even planned it all out in my head. When I couldn�t take the screaming and the blood and the fear, I would close my eyes and picture you rescuing me. Riding in to save the day right at the crucial moment. And you did, at the exact moment I needed you most, you came. You stopped them from torturing me and you stepped up to that table to set me free and....�her voice broke again. She swiped away the tears she had begun to notice streaming down her cheeks, �It was all supposed to be okay. You did everything right. Everything I had imagined you would do. And it was supposed to be okay. All the fear and the panic and the pain were supposed to vanish at your touch. It always did before.�
�It always did,� she whispered, �But it didn�t this time. You touched me and instead of it going away, it got stronger. It all got stronger and louder, more intense. It was supposed to go away but it didn�t and I didn�t understand and that made me mad. It made me mad at you, even though you didn�t do anything wrong. It wasn�t you, Harm. Please, please believe that,� she pleaded, �but it was all just too much. And by the time I started to understand what was happening, it was too late. It just didn�t seem to matter anymore. It wasn�t your fault, Harm, but I couldn�t tell you that. I just couldn�t. I couldn�t make it all mean nothing. I�m sorry, Harm. I�m so, so sorry.�
She was right. It did hurt. It hurt to see her standing there, apologizing to him over and over. It hurt to see her tears and know that it was his fault. No matter what she said, it was his fault. He had made it worse for her. She had been in pain and waiting for him to save her, and he had made it worse. And now, standing in front of her, he had no idea how to fix that. But he had to; he had to find some way to ease this pain.
He took a step forward, intending to reach out and comfort her. She immediately backed away and rushed towards her bedroom door.
�Sarah, please!� He called out to her. She stopped at the door. Turning around, she stared at him helplessly.
�I�m sorry, Harm. I don�t know what to...I don�t know how...I...�she broke off, unable to find the words. She gave him one last whispered, �I�m sorry,� before hurrying into her room.
The last thing Harm heard was the turning of the lock on her bedroom door.
Harm and Mac moved quickly through the crowd, intent on saying their goodbyes and getting away from the party as fast as possible. After congratulating the Admiral and Meredith once again, they moved towards a small group of people where Sturgis stood pretending to listen to the conversation. Before they could say a word, he came over to meet them. Taking one look at the tearstains on Mac�s cheeks and the frustration in Harm�s eyes, he nodded his head toward the door and said softly, �Go. If anyone asks, I�ll tell them Mac wasn�t feeling well.� He shook Harm�s hand and gave Mac a quick hug before nudging them to the door. �Call me if you need anything.� Mac managed a smile and Harm nodded his head at his friend before placing a hand on her back and leading her outside. They stepped out onto the porch and he closed the door behind them. Harm reached out to help Mac with her shawl when the knowledge of exactly where they were struck them. They froze.