Gratitude

Part Fourteen

At some point during his conversation with Mac, Tiner had joined Coates and the Roberts. �Good,� Harm thought in satisfaction, �hit them all at once.� He was sure the problem went beyond these four. He was also sure that Mac didn�t give a damn about anyone but these four. It might have still bothered her, but it wouldn�t have caused her such deep pain.

Tiner noticed him first. His eyes widened in panic and he quickly muttered something to the others. Harm didn�t have to read lips to know that Tiner was warning them of his approach. They all turned to look at him in apprehension. He was careful to keep any expression off his face. He wasn�t going to pretend to be happy, but he would do what he could to keep the situation under control. He owed it to Mac to try his hardest to minimize the damage. He kept a tight grip on his anger as he reached the errant foursome.

�Lieutenant Roberts, Lieutenant Sims, Tiner, Coates,� he greeted each one formally, leaving no doubt where they stood in his eyes. He took a moment to gauge each of their reactions. Coates and Tiner both avoided his gaze. They looked for all the world like children waiting for their parents to ground them. Bud�s look was one of resignation. Bud had known him longer than any of them; he knew the only thing to do when Harm was like this was to stand quietly and pray for the end. Harriet was clearly on the verge of collapse. Nervousness, fear and shame were warring across her face. Harm watched as she unconsciously placed one hand on her swollen belly. That one gesture brought Harm up short. However angry he might be with Harriet, he wasn�t going to risk her health or the health of the baby. Not after baby Sarah. His face softened just a bit as he said, �Lieutenant Sims, I think it might be best if you went to sit down.�

Harriet�s gaze shot up to his. Her spine stiffened, �No, sir. I�d rather stay here. It�s obvious you have something you need to say. I�d like to hear it.�

�I don�t think you would, Harriet,� he said warningly, �It�s not going to be pleasant, for any of us. I�m sure your husband can relay the conversation to you later.�

�I�m staying,� her voice was filled with determination. Harm recognized that tone, she wouldn�t leave now even if he still had the authority to order her to do so. He nodded. He trusted Harriet to know her limits; she wouldn�t endanger the health of her baby. Still, he would be watching her closely.

�Very well, Lieutenant.� He took a deep breath and debated where to start. He had been planning this for a week; now that the moment was here, his emotions were scrambling all his carefully thought out arguments. Well, he�d just start at the beginning and go from there. Thankful that they were in a far corner of the room where the view would be obscured, he dove right in.

�I�ve spent the last seven days planning this out. I treated it like a case I was prosecuting. Opening statement, direct examination, cross-examination, redirect; I had it all mapped out in my head. The best words to use, where to pause for greatest effect; I have no doubt it would have been better than anything anyone had ever seen from me in a court of law. It was all going to be very neat, very logical, and very clean. Then I looked at the four of you, standing over here whispering and gesturing. And I looked at Mac, trying so hard not to let on how hurt she was. How she did her best to redirect my attention, keep me from coming over here and saying my peace. And I got upset. No, I got angry. And all of my planning went out the window. And now it�s not going to be neat, or logical, or clean. But you know what? It�s not supposed to be. Because this isn�t a court of law and I�m not prosecuting a case. I�m a friend, standing here trying desperately to figure out what would possess the people I care about, who have been my friends, my family, for years, to treat ANYONE the way you�ve treated Mac.�

At this, four sets of eyes dropped away guiltily. He stood silently waiting for them to look back up; he wanted them to look at him when he was talking to them. One by one, they raised their eyes to him again. He continued, �In a way, I feel responsible for this. I shouldn�t have told Sturgis what I did. At the very least, I should have asked him not to repeat it. In my defense, I didn�t think it was necessary. But in the end, I�m only responsible for myself. I�m not responsible for you. You�re all adults; you make your own choices. And each one of you chose to condemn a woman who�s been a friend to you as long as you�ve known her. You punished her without hearing the whole story, without giving her a chance to tell her side of things, without taking into account that what I said to Sturgis were the comments of a man who had just lost his job. More to the point, you chose to abandon her for a situation that was none of your business. My relationship with Sarah Mackenzie is just that. My relationship. You think because you�ve been our friends, you have the right to make judgments about our lives and our friendship. But no matter how close you might be sitting to the playing field, you�re still on the sidelines. You don�t KNOW what goes on between us, and you don�t have the right to make the kind of assumptions you�ve made.�

�That being said, you are our friends. And as our friends, you deserve to be cut a little slack. So I�m going to give you a more complete picture of what went on in Paraguay. You know the part where she got captured by terrorists. I�m sure you�ve heard at least some of how she spent days listening to Clayton Webb�s screams as they tortured him. But did you know that there were two missionaries also being held captive? Did you know that one of them figured out that Mac wasn�t really pregnant and told Saddiq? That he came and stabbed a knife through her pregnancy suit to confirm it? Or how he let her choose whether to send Webb back for more torture or go herself? Did any of you know that as he was taking her to that room to be tortured, he forced her to watch the executions of those missionaries?� His voice had gotten quieter and more intense as he spoke. Now they had to strain to hear him over the noise of the party. �Did you know that when I found her, she was strapped to a table covered in Webb�s blood, surrounded by a car battery, jumper cables and steel wool?� He lets the horror of that image sink in. �You didn�t know any of that, did you? Anymore than you knew that for every hurtful comment she directed at me down there, I threw an equally nasty one right back. She hurt me, yes. But I hurt her, too. And as friends, you should have realized that. You should have spoken to both of us instead of getting secondhand information and running with it. You shouldn�t have been my friends, you should have been our friends.�

The four of them just stood there, digesting everything. Finally Coates spoke up, �But, sir, she didn�t even seem to care. We could all see how upset you were, but the Colonel just went around like it was any other day at the office. It didn�t seem to matter to her, sir.�

�I can believe that. Actually, I would expect it.� He focused his gaze on Jen; �You�ve only known us for a couple of years, Jen. So I�m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and figure you haven�t had enough time with the Colonel to know that the more hurt she is, the less she�s going to show it. But I�m also going to remind you that the woman you just accused of being indifferent is the same one who took you into her home one Christmas so you wouldn�t have to spend it in the brig. The Colonel is the reason you�re at JAG, Petty Officer. It was her recommendation to the Admiral that got you stationed here.�

Jen didn�t say anything; she just looked down in shame. Harm turned his attention to Tiner, �What�s your excuse, Tiner? You�ve known her as long as any of us. You know how she reacts to situations like this.� When Tiner just stared at him, he pushed his face closer to the young man�s. �You know her, Tiner. She�s the Marine who helped you study for your law finals. The one who checked over your papers before you turned them in. Who shielded you from the brunt of the Admiral�s wrath whenever she could. What made you forget all that, Tiner?�

�I don�t know, Commander,� Tiner stammered, forgetting in his distress that Harm wasn�t an officer anymore.

�Neither do I, Tiner.� Harm turned to look at Harriet, �This is your last chance to cut and run, Lieutenant.� Although tears were already filling her eyes, she shook her head. He sighed. �You�ve been the little sister I never had, Harriet. I was there when you and Bud met; I was there when you got married, and when you gave birth to little A.J. Then I left JAG. I started to miss the events in your life. But Mac never missed them. Not one of them. She has been there for every important event in your life, along with the ones that weren�t so important, for almost ten years now. She supported you, took care of you, made you her family. She was such an important part of your life that you named your daughter after her. She never abandoned you, Harriet. Not once. Not ever.� Harm stopped as the tears spilled down Harriet�s cheeks. He shook his head sadly, �I didn�t want to do this, Harriet. I didn�t want to say this to you. But you asked to stay. You wanted to know the truth. You hurt her, Harriet. I know you didn�t mean to, but you did.�

�Do you think she�ll forgive me, sir?� Harriet asked fearfully.

Harm smiled softly as he wiped the tears from her face, �Of course she will, Harriet.� He looked at the others, �She�ll forgive all of you. She�s not angry, Harriet. Not anymore. She�s just hurt. But she still loves you. She�ll forgive you.�

�But will she trust us?� Bud spoke for the first time since Harm had walked up. �Even if she forgives us, will she ever trust us again?�

Harm finally turned to Bud. He had been careful to avoid eye contact before this. If he were going to lose his temper with any of them, it would be Bud. Looking at him now, though, he realized he wasn�t angry. He was just disappointed. Disappointed and disillusioned. �I wish I knew what to say to you, Bud. I�m not sure there�s anything to say. She deserved so much better from you. Especially from you. You�ve known her as long as any one of us. She�s always been there for you, Bud. Always. And you were always there for her. She counted on it. I counted on it. When I left JAG, I left knowing that she would be all right. You were there and you would watch out for her. And if something was wrong, I knew you would be the first to let me know. I depended on that. I depended on you. Damnit, Bud!� His anger was finally starting to come through, �You owed her more than this! How could you not see that?�

�I did see it, Harm,� the use of his name brought Harm up short. Bud�s eyes were full of regret, �I tried not to. It was easier to stay angry. Everything got so screwed up and when Commander Turner told us what you said, it was easy to get mad at her. And then, it was easier to stay mad than admit I was wrong. But I couldn�t stay mad. After what happened with the Admiral, I realized how badly I had treated her. I just didn�t know how to make things right. I was afraid I would only end up making it worse. Can you understand that, sir?�

�Yes, I can,� Harm acknowledged, �What I can�t understand, Bud, is when one of the bravest men I�ve ever known became a coward.� Unable to find anything else to say, he started to walk away, only to have Bud call after him softly.

�You never answered my question, sir. Will she ever trust us again?�

�What�s the first thing they teach us in law school, Lieutenant?� Harm responded. He smiled sadly, �Never ask a question if you don�t already know the answer.� With that, he continued on his way.

Mac watched Harm as he made his way over to the couch where she sat with Chaplain Turner. She had told Sturgis to go away soon after Harm had left. She was confused and hurt and angry, which made for a very dangerous Marine. Rather than subject Sturgis to her wrath, she had sent him away. She had told Chaplain Turner that he didn�t need to stay, either, but he said that he didn�t have any place better to be than at the side of a beautiful woman. Then he suggested that they just sit together and he would tell her more embarrassing stories about Harm and Sturgis; she could listen if she felt like it. So she had smiled and she had tried to listen. It was easier than she thought. Listening to stories of Harm�s misspent youth was better than listening to Harm�s voice echoing in her head. Still, she had kept a nervous eye on the little group huddled in the corner. She couldn�t see them very well, which was a good thing because that meant neither could anyone else. When Harm had moved away, she tensed. His face was unreadable as he walked towards her. She didn�t even notice the chaplain get up as he came up to her silently, sat down and reached over to pick up her hand. He smiled reassuringly.

�I think you underestimated them, Mac. I think we both did. They haven�t been talking to you because they don�t know how to tell you they were wrong and ask you to forgive them. Honestly,� he added when she just looked at him skeptically. He spoke hesitantly, �Mac, you do understand why I couldn�t just let it go, don�t you? I mean, wouldn�t you have done the same thing in my place?�

�Probably,� she admitted. �I guess what�s upsetting me is that you�re not listening to me. I just wish I could make you understand...� she trailed off as a new song caught her ear. Recognizing it instantly, she stood up and yanked on his arm. �Dance with me.�

�Huh?� was all he could manage as she dragged him off the couch and onto the impromptu dance floor. �Mac, I don�t understand,� he said, even as he instinctively moved his hands to her waist.

�Shh, just listen.� She placed her hands on his shoulders and started swaying them both to the music. He wasn�t sure where she was going with this, but he wasn�t going to object to holding her this close. Seeing that he wasn�t paying attention, she repeated, �Harm, listen to the song.� Harm focused on the music. After a moment, he was able to recognize the song and pick up the thread of the words at the chorus.

But it�s not so bad, you�re only the best I ever had.
You don�t want me back. You�re just the best I ever had.

He remembered this song. It hurt to listen to it now. He understood why she wanted him to hear it. This is how she saw them. This is what their relationship was to her. He listened to the singer as he sang of the loneliness and despair of a lost love.

So you stole my world, now I�m just a phony.
Remembering the girl leaves me down and lonely
Send it in a letter. Make yourself feel better.

Mac felt tears threatening, so she closed her eyes and rested her head on his chest. Her heart cracked open a little more as she felt Harm rest his cheek against her hair.

But it�s not so bad, you�re only the best I ever had
You don�t need me back. You�re just the best I ever had.

She wished she could explain it to him. He really was the best she�d ever had. He was more than she�d ever hoped to have. But she couldn�t stop that little voice that had been whispering to her since that last night in Paraguay, telling her it was too late.

And it may take some time to patch me up inside.
But I can�t take it so I run away and hide.
And I may find in time that you were always right, you�re always right.

Harm wondered who she thought of when she listened to that part. It fit them both perfectly. Too scared to fix what was wrong with them, they each ran and hid whenever it became too much. He had done it in Sydney; she had done the same in Paraguay. And now he listened and wondered which one of them was right.

So you sailed away into a grey sky morning.
Now I�m here to stay. Love can be so boring.
What was it you wanted? Could it be I�m haunted?

They were both haunted. Both trapped in broken dreams and faded memories. Neither one of them knew how to stay and neither one of them could bear to leave. So they stayed locked in their perpetual dance, waiting for the music to end, wondering what would happen to them when it did.

But it�s not so bad, you�re only the best I ever had.
I don�t want you back. You�re just the best I ever had.
The best I ever had.

Harm listened to the music trail away. He paid little attention when a new song took its place. He lifted his head from her hair and whispered softly, �Do you really believe that, Sarah? Do you really think I don�t want you, don�t need you? Do you really not want me back in your life?�

�I do want you in my life, Harm. I always have. But I don�t think I can have what I want,� she swiped at the tears on her cheeks, �I�m sorry, Harm, but I can�t stop believing that it�s too late. We missed our chance.�

�I don�t accept that,� Harm said fiercely, �I can�t accept it.�

�Not accepting it doesn�t make it go away. It doesn�t make it not be true,� she looked at him with such anguish in her eyes, �Harm, I.... I just want to go home. Can you please take me home?�

�Mac, we�re not done talking about this,� Harm was desperate not to let it end here. Not like this.

She started to protest. She couldn�t do this. Not here in the middle of the Admiral�s engagement party with all of their friends watching. She started to argue, but then she saw the desperate fear in his eyes. She sighed, �We�ll finish talking Harm. I promise. But not here and not now. It�s too much.�

Some of the tension in him eased. She had promised, and they didn�t break promises. He nodded as he released her. �Okay, Sarah. Let�s go home.�

(Vertical Horizon �Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning)�)

Continue to Part Fifteen