Gratitude
Part Thirteen
Harm�s first thought as they stepped inside was that Mac was right. Everyone was staring. Harm didn�t need to look around; he could feel eyes boring into him from every direction. And from the way Mac�s entire body tensed, she could feel it, too. His grip on her hand tightened. The silence that had descended on the room was deafening. �What the hell? Someone�s got to start this thing moving� he thought to himself as he released Mac long enough to give Meredith a light hug, �might as well be me.�
�Congratulations, Meredith. I�m so happy for you.� It was the truth. Meredith was a wonderful person, and she deserved every bit of happiness she could get. Whatever his problems with the Admiral, he honestly wished them the best.
Mac sighed a little in relief as Meredith turned from Harm to embrace her. So far, so good. The obvious sincerity in Harm�s voice as he congratulated Meredith alleviated some of her worries. Maybe this wouldn�t be as bad as she feared. Meredith had to know at least some of what had happened between Harm and the Admiral, and she was still genuinely pleased to see them. Actually, judging by the look of encouragement and gentle reassurance Meredith gave her, Mac suspected she knew most, if not all, of what had happened between all three of them. Mac thought that perhaps this wouldn�t turn into the disaster she feared. She continued to think that until she caught a glimpse of the Admiral�s grim expression as Meredith called him over to greet them.
Harm warily watched the approach of his former commanding officer. This wasn�t going to be pleasant. He hadn�t spoken to Chegwidden since that last day at JAG, and wasn�t sure how he was going to react when they were about to be forced into conversation. He had no plans to start a scene, but he wasn�t going to back down if the Admiral started something. He had done what was necessary, and he wouldn�t apologize for it. If Chegwidden wanted to hate him for it, that was his choice. It hurt to think that his friendship with the older man was damaged beyond repair; A.J. was the closest thing he had to a father, more so even than Frank. But if losing their friendship was the price he paid for saving Mac, so be it. He watched as A.J. greeted Mac. She responded politely, but it was obvious how uncomfortable they were interacting without the advantage of being in uniform. Harm noticed the fierce look Mac gave her C.O. as the Admiral turned his way. Reaching for her hand again, he squeezed hard, this time warning her to stand down. The last thing Harm wanted was for both of them to get kicked out of JAG.
�Harm,� the Admiral�s voice was as stiff as the hand he held out for Harm to shake.
�A.J.� Harm responded as they quickly shook hands. He refused to be intimidated by the man�s gruffness. The Admiral wasn�t his commanding officer anymore. He held no authority over Harm anymore, now they were equals. That thought was as frightening to Harm as it was exhilarating. When he got a chance, he�d try to figure that one out. For now, he just looked calmly at the older man, �Congratulations.�
�Thank you.� There was a moment of awkward silence before A.J. continued, his voice carefully neutral, �I understand you have a new job working for the C.I.A.� When Harm just nodded, A.J. asked, �Are you enjoying it?�
�I enjoy being able to fly,� Harm shrugged. �As for the rest, well, it�s just a job.� At that last part, he had looked A.J. directly in the eye. If he thought Harm was going to complain or act repentant, he was wrong. He wouldn�t apologize for what he�d done.
A.J. just nodded. Finally gesturing to the rest of the partygoers, he said, �Well, I won�t monopolize your time. I�m sure there are plenty of people who�d like to say hello.� They both nodded politely and Mac turned to search the crowd for a friendly face. Harm felt her relief the moment her eyes focused on Sturgis. She moved to pull her hand away, but Harm wouldn�t let her. He simply turned with her and headed them both in Turner�s direction, keeping a tight hold on her hand and ignoring the look of annoyance she shot him. He stopped in his path when he heard the Admiral call out to him. He turned back and looked at the other man questioningly.
�You found the answer?� Harm watched A.J.�s eyes dart to their clasped hands, before moving back to Harm�s face. There was curiosity and challenge in his expression as he waited for an answer. Harm remembered the question the Admiral had asked him when he announced his resignation, �What will you do to keep her?� He boldly returned A.J.�s gaze, �Not all of it, but I�ve got the most important part.�
The hint of a smile tugged at the Admiral�s face. �Good,� he said simply, and turned away to mingle with the other guests.
�What the hell was that all about?� Mac thought as they made their way to the spot where Sturgis was talking to his father. �What answer?� Mac knew their cryptic conversation had something to do with her. She hadn�t missed the way the Admiral�s eyes had focused on Harm�s handing holding hers. She looked at Harm, hoping he would enlighten her. He just stared back at her with his innocent, �what did I do?� expression. She glared at him before saying just loudly enough for him to hear, �I really do hate you.�
�I know,� he grinned unrepentantly, �Come on, Mac. Time to say hello to the Turner men.�
He walked up to Sturgis and his father and shook hands with both men. Mac started to say hello, then stopped and cocked her head to one side. When Chaplain Turner asked her if anything was wrong, she looked at him in confusion and asked, �Are they really playing the theme from �Caddyshack�?�
Harm turned his attention to the music. Sure enough, Kenny Loggins was letting everyone know that he was all right. He said cautiously, �Sure sounds like it. Good song. But not one I expect to hear at engagement parties.�
Sturgis just laughed, �Consider yourselves lucky. You missed �Copacabana�.� Harm and Mac both stared at him. �I�m serious. They have been playing everything from Barry Manilow to the Barenaked Ladies. Meredith said something about how this might be an engagement party, but she wasn�t going to subject her guests to hours of sappy love songs. So she gathered up every CD she could find and had her students pick out the songs they liked and burn them onto some CD�s.�
They all laughed. It was such a completely Meredith thing to do. Harm managed to get out between chuckles, �Let�s just hope the Marine Corps Hymn isn�t on there anywhere. Mac might feel it�s her duty to sing along, and believe me when I say that none of us want that.� Sturgis and his father started laughing again. Mac gave him a dirty look and punched him in the arm.
Harm knew he was pushing it, but he didn�t want Mac to tense up again. He figured if he kept her constantly annoyed at him, she�d forget that she didn�t want to be here. With that in mind, he did his best to keep the mood light, joking with Sturgis and the chaplain. Catching onto his plan, Sturgis jumped in, asking his father to relay a particularly embarrassing story about Harm to Mac. The chaplain was more than happy to oblige, promising them that the next embarrassing story would be about his son. Harm watched Mac slowly relax, her grin growing increasingly wider as the story got more humiliating. She turned to tease him and the smile dropped from her face. Harm followed her gaze and saw the source of her distress. Bud, Harriet, and Jen were standing in a corner. They were gesturing furtively in the foursome�s direction as they spoke. Harm suddenly recognized what was happening. They were trying to decide whether to come over and greet him or wait until he left Mac�s side. His eyes went cold with rage. He couldn�t believe that they would be so rude as to avoid saying hello to him for fear of dealing with Mac. He waited until they realized he was watching them. He shifted his glare from one person to the next and then deliberately turned his back on them.
Mac cursed herself for letting Harm see her reaction to the others. The anger on his face was becoming greater with every passing moment. Mac knew it wouldn�t be long before he couldn�t contain it and he went over to confront them. With the way he was reacting, it wouldn�t matter if she were here or not. There would be no way she could stop him from making a scene. She sighed when he finally turned back to her. Her relief was short-lived as she saw the look in his eyes. It was the same look he got in the courtroom, right before he went in for the kill. �Shit� she swore to herself as she frantically tried to think of a way to distract him. She turned to Sturgis for support only to see that he looked almost as upset at Harm. In desperation, she looked at Chaplain Turner. It was apparent from the look on the older man�s face that while he might not know what was going on, he knew it was about to get ugly. Attempting to ease the hostility, she encouraged the chaplain to finish telling his story.
Harm saw the panic on Mac�s face as she tried to get Chaplain Turner to continue his story. Unfortunately, instead of calming him down, it had the opposite affect. Seeing his gung-ho Marine so upset and vulnerable because of the way she�d been treated by people she considered friends infuriated him that much more. Mac wasn�t perfect; nobody knew that better than he did. She could be argumentative, bullheaded, and downright bitchy when things weren�t going her way. But she was also the best friend any of these people could ever hope for. And it was time they remembered that. He took a deep breath and interrupted as politely as he was capable, �Excuse me, sir, I don�t mean to interrupt, but I just realized there are some people here I haven�t talked to yet.�
Mac reached out and grasped his arm tightly. �No, Harm. Don�t do this. Please? You�re just going to make things worse.�
�Make things worse?� he repeated incredulously, �Do you honestly believe they could actually get any worse?�
�Yes, I do,� she hissed at him, �Right now, the worst they do is ignore me. If you go over there and tell them off, what do you think they�ll do? Who do you think they�ll get mad at, Harm? You? No. They�ll get mad at me. Again. And I�ll have to put up with all the hostile looks and snide remarks that I�m not supposed to hear. Again. And I don�t want to have to do that. Again. I shouldn�t have to. Just let it go, Harm. Walk away. This isn�t your problem.�
He sighed in frustration, �You just don�t get it, do you Mac?�
�Get what?� she shot back.
He removed his arm from her grasp. Placing both hands on her shoulders, he said intently, �It is my problem. Not because they�re mad at you because of me. Or because I gave Sturgis a skewed perspective on what happened in Paraguay and he promptly blurted it out to the entire bullpen,� he paused and directed a pointed glare at a very guilty looking Sturgis Turner. He continued, �It�s my problem, Mac, because it IS your problem. Your problems are mine.�
�Only because you make them yours,� she argued.
�Exactly.� He smiled at her gently, �I choose to make them my problems, Mac. I do it willingly, because that�s what friends do. They take on each other�s burdens without being asked. Sometimes without being wanted. Just because it�s the right thing to do. Just because it�s their right, their responsibility, to do so. Whatever happens between us, you are still my friend. You always will be. And I will always be here to help you with your problems, whether you want me to or not. I care, Sarah, and I�m through hiding it. From you, from them, and most of all from myself.�
�What if I don�t want you to care? What if you�d be better off not caring?� she pleaded. He couldn�t believe he didn�t see it before. Sturgis was right, this had nothing to do with trusting him and everything to do with protecting him.
�Why would I be better off, Sarah?� he asked softly, not caring that Sturgis and his father were listening, �Why don�t you want me to care?�
She just stared at him helplessly, tears in her eyes. He reached up and brushed her cheek. �It�s okay. You don�t have to say anything. I can�t force you to tell me what�s wrong, Mac.� He released her shoulders and stepped back. �And you can�t force me to stop caring.�
He looked to Sturgis and his father. Smiling at them, he said to the chaplain, �Sir, maybe you could explain it to her. My communication skills don�t work very well with Marines.�
�I don�t know, Harm. You seemed to be doing pretty well,� Chaplain Turner smiled and placed a hand on Mac�s shoulder, �Why don�t you come sit by the window with me, Colonel? We can sit and you can tell me all about the evils of the United States Navy. Come along, son. The Colonel�s going to need a handy target and she�s too polite to use an old man.�
�Thanks, buddy,� Sturgis said sarcastically to Harm. �Good luck,� he added more seriously. And then he turned and helped his father escort Mac over to the nearby couch. Harm waited until they were seated before turning and heading off to remind a few people about the meaning of friendship.
The door to the Admiral�s house opened with a flourish. Before he even saw her face, Harm knew that Meredith was on the other side. Meredith, he thought with a smile, did everything with a flourish. Even opening doors. Sure enough, there she was, brimming over with joy and welcome. When she saw Harm and Mac at the door, her eyes widened momentarily in surprise even as her smile grew. �Harm, Mac, I�m so glad you both made it! Come in!� she exclaimed as she gestured them inside.