Gratitude
Part Twelve
That one sentence still caused an icy shiver of fear in his soul. Sturgis wasn�t a man to exaggerate or overstate things. His deadly serious gaze told Harm that however much he was worrying, he wasn�t worrying enough. He had tried to get Sturgis to tell him more, but the man wouldn�t budge. While admitting to knowing more than he was saying, he pointed out that the only reason he knew anything was because Mac trusted him to keep her confidences. If he betrayed her now, she would most likely refuse to speak to either one of them for a long time, and that was not an option at this point. While Harm understood that in theory, his ignorance of the situation combined with Sturgis� dire predictions was driving him crazy. He had finally blown up, demanding to know what he had done that was so bad that Mac couldn�t trust him anymore, not even when it was obvious she needed him. She had admitted that she wanted to tell him the truth, but didn�t feel like she could. The fact that she had seemingly lost faith in him was more than he could take. Sturgis had brought him up short when he asked why he thought she didn�t trust him. When Harm had asked him what other reason she could have for not confiding in him, Sturgis had gazed at him intently and responded, �Good question,� before quietly telling him good night and leaving before Harm got him to reveal anything else. Harm had stayed at the court for another hour trying to work out what Sturgis had meant and the only answer he came up with was both obvious and frightening. The only other reason Mac would have to hide something from him is if she thought she was protecting him.
Harm was sure that was what Sturgis had meant that night, but he had no way to prove it since the only two people who knew the answers were deliberately keeping him in the dark. As hard as he tried, he just didn�t have enough pieces of the puzzle to decipher its meaning. Pulling up in front of her building, he vowed that he would just have to pay closer attention, until he could see and hear the things she wasn�t telling him. One way or another he was going to get to the truth. He quickly got out of his car and made his way to her door. He knocked once, waited, and then knocked again. He was beginning to wonder if she had chickened out on him when the door opened and she stood before him. �I might have forgotten how beautiful she was once, but after tonight I will never forget again,� he thought to himself in awe. She looked stunning in a strapless red dress that hugged her breasts and clung tightly down to the curve of her hip, where it flowed gently around her long, tanned legs. Her hair hung off her face in loose curls that she was nervously tucking behind her ears. She had on little makeup, just mascara and lip-gloss as far as he could tell, and no jewelry. She wore simple black sandals that showed off toes the same color as her dress. Harm thought she had never looked more beautiful. And after eight years, that was saying a lot. It registered in the back of his mind that he should tell her how gorgeous she looked, but he couldn�t get his brain to focus on forming the words.
Mac was starting to get very nervous. Harm had been staring at her for two minutes and forty-one seconds and he still hadn�t said a word. She wondered if he thought she looked okay. She had agonized over what to wear, trying to find the outfit that would make just the right statement. She had started out with the most boring dress she could dig out of her closet. Her theory being that if she looked plain enough, she could just blend in with the scenery. She had discarded that theory after taking one look at herself in the mirror. She had looked downright frumpy, which made her already shaky self-confidence take a nosedive. She couldn�t afford to show weakness tonight, for her sake and for Harm�s. Besides, they were going to spend the night being stared at no matter what she wore, so why not go all out. She had picked up this red dress a couple of months ago. It was what fashion designers called casually elegant, perfect for the Admiral�s engagement party. And it made her feel sexy and self-confident. At least it did until Harm kept staring at her. It didn�t help that he looked good enough to eat in a simple suit that reminded her of the one he wore to her...wait a minute, was that the same suit? She started to move closer to examine it when Harm finally spoke.
�Yes,� he said softly.
�Huh?� she looked up at him in confusion.
�Yes, it�s the same suit,� he flashed her a quick flyboy grin, �I�ve decided to make it my official engagement party ensemble.�
She shook her head and laughed, �Whatever works for you, sailor...�she trailed off. �Sorry, I still forget sometimes.�
He smiled at her reassuringly, �So do I, Mac. Don�t worry about it. And while we�re on the subject of things that work, can I just tell you that dress really works for you? I mean, REALLY works.�
She blushed and looked down at the ground, �Thanks,� she replied softly. Moving over to pick up her shawl, she stammered, �We should probably get going.� She wrapped the shawl around herself and then grabbed her purse. As he stood opening the door for her, she stopped and blurted out, �Are you sure you want to go through with this? I don�t think anyone�s expecting to see you. I mean, I know Meredith sent you an invitation, but considering your last conversation with the Admiral, I don�t think she really expected you to come. Not that you don�t have every right to come, I�m not trying to imply that. It�s just with it being awkward for you, and then you put all my stuff on top of it, I just thought it might be too much for you. Not that I think you can�t handle it, but...� The feel of Harm�s lips over hers put a halt to Mac�s babbling. She just stood there shocked while he kissed her. Just as she finally recognized what was happening enough to respond, he pulled away.
She looked absolutely adorable standing there, big brown eyes open wide and lips still parted in a soft �oh� of surprise. He was debating whether to take advantage of her obvious shock and kiss her again when she shook herself out of her reverie. He groaned to himself when she licked her lips nervously. If she didn�t want him to kiss her again, she had to stop doing that. She finally stammered, �uh, Harm?�
�Yeah?� he asked, his eyes still focused on her lips.
�Why did you do that?�
He finally glanced up at her, �You mean kiss you?�
She rolled her eyes, �Yes, I mean kiss me. What else would I mean?�
He just shrugged, �I don�t know why. Mostly because I wanted to, I guess. I�ve wanted to since the last time I wore this suit.� An idea struck him, �Maybe it�s the suit. I�m forced to kiss you when I wear it. Hmm, if that�s true, this might become my one and only outfit.�
Mac sighed exasperatedly, �Harm, be serious.�
He looked directly in her eyes, �I am being serious, Mac. I wanted to kiss you, so I did. And I don�t intend on it being a one time deal, either.� She backed away from him nervously. He reached out and gently pulled her towards him.
�Sarah, I know we have things to deal with. I know there�s something wrong and it�s overwhelming you right now, even if I don�t know what it is yet. And I know a kiss, or the promise of more kisses, doesn�t fix the mess we�ve created with this relationship. But I�m not going to stand here and pretend that I don�t want you. And I�m not going to lie to you and tell you that I�ve given up on �us�. Like it or not, Sarah, we�re already an �us�. We just have to figure out where we want to go with it.� Mac opened her mouth to protest, but Harm cut her off, �If you want, Mac, we can argue about this later and you can tell me again why we�re never going to work. But I�m giving you fair warning; I�ll probably just kiss you again to try and change your mind. And if you don�t close your mouth and start heading to the car, I�m going to start persuading you right now.� Mac started to speak and he took a deliberate step forward.
She quickly backed out the door and stepped towards the elevator. When he stopped to lock up, she said, �This isn�t over Harm. No matter how much we might want it to, it won�t work. It�s too late.� He turned and stepped menacingly in her direction. She swiftly stepped into the elevator and pushed the door close button. The elevator doors closed on her sad expression, �It�s just too late, Harm,� she whispered softly.
He stood in the hallway for just a moment, disheartened. Then his face hardened with resolve. �That�s what you think,� he told the closed elevator doors before turning and rushing to the stairwell. He didn�t care what she said, she was wrong. And he was going to be waiting for her when she got off the elevator to tell her so.
Admiral Chegwidden�s house
Neither one had said a word on the drive over. Harm had been waiting for her when she stepped off the elevator. She had taken one look at his face and said, �Not now, Harm� before heading out to the car. He hadn�t had a chance to say a word. Now he was afraid to say anything, knowing he was so frustrated that whatever he said would just make it worse. For her part, Mac couldn�t hold onto any one thought long enough to express it. She had spent the whole week convincing herself that this night wasn�t going to happen. Harm would get called away on some mission for the Agency and she would just curl up under the covers and hide. But he wasn�t and here they were and she didn�t know what to do about it. She didn�t know what to do about any of it. She was constantly on edge, waiting for something to happen without having any idea what that something was. Her attacks of paranoia were both more frequent and more intense, something she was having difficulty hiding from Sturgis. There would be no way she could hide them from Harm. She couldn�t sleep without having that damn nightmare and she only ate when Sturgis was there to put food directly in front of her and watch her eat it. She knew the more time she spent with Harm, the less time it would take him to figure out what was wrong. And for the life of her, she couldn�t decide if Harm knowing the truth was the best or worst-case scenario. Her mind kept telling her that the best thing for both of them would be to force him out of her life for good, but her heart was pleading with her to hold on to him as tightly as she could. She just didn�t know what to do.
She was startled out of her thoughts when Harm opened her door for her. �When did we get here?� She thought to herself in confusion. Her thoughts must have registered on her face because the tense, closed off look Harm was wearing softened. He reached out his hand and said gently, �Come on, Marine. Let�s go make an entrance.� She reached up and hesitantly took his hand, stepping out of the car. She reluctantly followed him to the Admiral�s door, noticing with some relief that he never let go of her hand. She began to tremble slightly as Harm reached up and knocked on the door. He squeezed her hand in reassurance. As the door began to open, he offered her a full-blown flyboy smile. �It�s show time.�
One week later
En route to Georgetown
1840 EST
As Harm took the familiar route from his place to Mac�s, he thought about everything that had occurred over the past week. After his conversation with Mac last Friday, he had gotten into his car and driven straight to Sturgis� apartment. And his rage had built up the entire way there. By the time he knocked on the Commander�s door, he was ready to start breaking anything in sight, and he was sorely tempted to start with his friend�s face. Fortunately, Sturgis had been expecting both him and his rage. He had taken one look at Harm and told him to grab his gym bag and meet him at the basketball court. Two hours and a dozen fragrant fouls later, Harm had finally calmed down enough to confront Sturgis about what was going on at JAG. Sturgis admitted to telling Bud a little of what they had talked about that night and apologized. Harm had accepted, admitting that he was as angry with himself as he was at his friend. When Sturgis brought up the rest of JAG, Harm had relayed his conversation with Mac and her decision, however reluctantly, to accompany him to the party. Sturgis had agreed that Harm was doing the right thing, mentioning incidents that Mac either hadn�t known about or hadn�t told him. After calming himself down all over again, Harm had turned the subject to what was really bothering him. The more he talked to Mac, the more worried he was becoming. Little things were starting to come together and paint an alarming picture. He told Sturgis about the incident in his alley the night she had first come over. His friend�s complete lack of surprise confirmed Harm�s belief that this wasn�t an isolated incident. He mentioned the way Mac seemed to fluctuate between clinging tightly to him and pushing him away as hard as she could. He wondered if he was overreacting, if Mac wasn�t just having a normal reaction to all the stress in her life. Sturgis had stopped him and said gravely, �You aren�t overreacting.�
1945 EST