Gratitude
Part Eleven
He was glad Sturgis had motioned him away when he first came. It gave him a glimpse into some of what was bothering her, although he knew that there was more to it than her fractured friendship with the Admiral. She sounded so lost, sitting there propped up against Sturgis� back with her head resting on his shoulder. She looked like a little girl who had just lost her best friend. Up until she had come to see him last week, she probably thought she had. But she had to know differently now. Didn�t she? He thought he had made it perfectly clear that he wasn�t giving up on them. Just in case, he would remind her again, as many times as it took to get it through that stubborn head of hers. Her comment about making Sturgis uncomfortable broke into his musings. �This is it, Rabb. You�ve got to let her know you�re here and this is the best opportunity you�re going to get.� He made his voice deliberately calm as he spoke. He watched her close her eyes. He knew she was trying to convince herself that he wasn�t really here. �Better nip that one in the bud,� he thought and spoke again. That did it. She opened her eyes and lifted her head up to stare at him. �Here goes nothing.�
For her part, Mac was trying to figure out whether she was angry or relieved to see him. Angry, definitely. He had no right to come here without asking. And Sturgis had no right to let him. She felt like she was being pushed somewhere she didn�t want to go, and if there was one thing Mac hated, it was feeling pushed. Yep, she was definitely angry. But she couldn�t deny that a little bit of the knot in her stomach had eased at seeing him standing there, safe and sound in front of her. She had been worried about him, she always worried when he was out doing something potentially dangerous without her there to watch his six. But here he was, calm and confident as always. And judging by the steely determination flashing in his eyes, he wasn�t leaving anytime soon. She sighed heavily, glaring up at him in resentment. Then she decided that the best course of action would be to ignore him. She might not be able to make him leave, but she didn�t have to make things easier for him. She shot him one last dirty look before deliberately looking away.
Harm tried not to smile as he watched Mac make a big show of reaching for her water bottle. He knew he wasn�t supposed to find this funny, but she just looked so adorable sitting down at his feet, pouting and trying to pretend he wasn�t there. He thought about telling her that, knowing she wouldn�t be able to resist giving him a reaction, then thought better of it. It would be hard to talk to her if he was in pain, and if he made a comment like that, he would definitely be in pain. So he turned his attention to Sturgis, who had shifted around until he could see what was going on while remaining out of Mac�s visual range. Sturgis always was an intelligent man.
�Hey, Sturgis. How�s it going?� He asked casually, as if they had just run into each other at a bar instead of a cemetery. Mac ruined her plan to ignore him by snorting in disbelief and muttering under her breath something along the lines of �as if you didn�t know.� Deciding to do what he could to get Sturgis off the hook, Harm looked back at her. �It�s not his fault, Mac. I called JAG looking for you and he said he was on his way to meet you. He didn�t tell me where he was going, I just followed him.� Mac just sniffed loudly and went back to denying he existed.
Sturgis shook his head ruefully, �Thanks for trying, buddy, but I don�t think that lets me off the hook.� Mac�s elbow shot out and caught him in the side. �Nope,� he winced, �definitely not off the hook.� He rubbed his side.� And on that note, I think I�m going to head back to my car and leave you two alone to talk.�
�Coward,� Mac huffed as she reached out again with her elbow. But Sturgis was prepared this time and was already out of range.
�I prefer to think of myself as prudent.� Risking further bodily injury, he reached over and placed a hand on her shoulder. She yanked it away, so he reached out and gently took hold of her upper arms. �Think about what I said, Mac. Talk to him.� He squeezed softly before releasing her arms. Standing up, he turned and patted Harm on the arm, �Good luck, buddy. You are definitely going to need it.� With that he headed back to his car.
�Can I sit?� Harm asked cautiously. When she didn�t answer, he simply moved to stand behind her. Lowering himself to the ground, he touched his back against hers, careful to brace his weight on his arms in case she decided to move suddenly. She didn�t move, just sat rigidly in the same position. He sighed, �Mac, haven�t we spent enough time ignoring each other yet? I�m not leaving and you know that. So why not just relax a little and talk to me? Please?�
�I don�t want to talk to you,� she said petulantly, �you�ll just start pushing me to tell you things that I can�t talk about. And then I�ll get mad and you�ll get mad and we�ll start fighting again. And I can�t fight with you anymore.�
The teary sound of her voice made his heart ache. �Mac, I can�t fight with you anymore, either. That�s not why I�m here. I just want you to talk to me. I want to understand what�s going on with you. I just want to help you. I don�t know how to help you,� Harm�s voice trailed off as he murmured softly, �I�m scared, Sarah. I�m scared that I�m losing you for good.�
Mac gasped at his whispered confession. In the entire time she�d known him, she couldn�t remember him ever saying that. Even when his actions had told her he was afraid, he had never allowed himself to admit it. Her eyes filled with tears as she realized how much it must have cost him to admit it to her now. Tentatively, she leaned back and rested against the broad expense of his back. �So solid, so strong,� she thought as she felt the tension ease a little in both of them. Just as she had earlier, she leaned her head against his shoulder. She marveled at the difference. Leaning on Sturgis brought her comfort, but never like this. No one else had ever made her feel so protected, so cherished, as Harm did just by being there. Her rock. Her resolve to keep him out of her mess of a life began to waver. Maybe Sturgis was right. Maybe it would be better to tell him. Maybe he could handle it. But if he couldn�t, if he faltered or fell because of her...she just couldn�t take the chance. She was so confused. She just wanted to stop hurting him. �I�m sorry, Harm. I don�t want you to be scared. I don�t want you to lose me anymore than I want to lose you. I just don�t know how you can help. I don�t know if you can help. And I don�t want to risk making things worse. I want to talk to you Harm, you have to believe me, but I just...I can�t...I don�t know what...�She stumbled over her words, helpless to articulate her feelings.
Harm felt her tense again as she moaned in frustration. He was frustrated, too. But he could tell Mac was at her breaking point, and if he didn�t ease off, he was risking the very thing he feared. As much as he wanted her to just tell him what was wrong, he knew he should be grateful that she was opening up to him at all. He would just have to figure out how to back off without giving up. Taking a moment to regroup, he shifted his weight onto one arm. Reaching up with the other, he softly ran the back of his hand across her cheek and cursed to himself when he felt her tears. She leaned into his touch and whispered heartbrokenly, �I�m sorry.�
�Shh. It�s okay, Mac. It�s going to be okay.� He moved his hand down to hers and squeezed. �We don�t have to talk about this anymore right now, okay? I can�t promise to let it go, but we�ll leave it alone for tonight. Just don�t shut me out. Please?�
She sniffled, �Okay.� She swiped the tears from her cheeks. Trying to change the subject and lighten things up, she asked hesitantly, �You want to talk about your new job? How did your first spook assignment go?�
�It went,� Harm responded, �And we can talk about that later. After you answer my question.�
She sounded confused when she answered, �What question?�
�Will you let me go with you to the Admiral�s party?� Harm asked again.
�No, I won�t,� she stated firmly, continuing quickly before he had a chance to feel hurt, �I won�t let you go with me because I�m not going.�
�Why not, Mac? Sturgis is right. They wouldn�t even have met if it weren�t for you. Besides, it�s not like you have to spend the entire evening with him. You tell him congratulations, make polite conversation for a minute, and then walk away. He�s going to have plenty of people to focus his attention on. And it�s not like you won�t have plenty of other people to talk to.� Harm�s suspicions were aroused when Mac stiffened at his words. Something more than the Admiral was keeping her from this party. �Mac?�
�What?� The forced innocence in her tone just confirmed his suspicions.
�Don�t even try it, Marine. I let go of the rest of it, but not this. What�s going on?� When she didn�t answer, he threatened, �I�ll just go to Sturgis. And if he won�t tell me, I�ll go to Bud...�
�No!� Mac�s protest caught him off guard. �Don�t...don�t ask Bud.�
Now Harm was completely confused. What the hell was going on? �Why not? Mac, answer me.�
�Because he�s not talking to me! None of them are talking to me! Ever since you left JAG, they�ve all just stopped being friends with me,� she couldn�t keep the tears from choking her voice, �they don�t care anymore, Harm. I stopped mattering to them after you were gone.� Finally saying it aloud was too much for her, and she broke down. Burying her face in her hands, she sobbed, �They left, Harm. They just got mad at me and left me behind.� She felt his strong arms wrap around her from behind. Crawling into his lap, she let all the pain of their rejection spill out as she clung to him.
Harm was stunned. This was not what he had expected to hear. He wanted to tell her that it couldn�t be that bad, but from the way she was crying it obviously was. But why would they be mad at her? It wasn�t like she�d asked him to resign his commission to come after her. And it wasn�t like they had any way of knowing how bad things had gotten between the two of them in Paraguay. He hadn�t spoken to anyone about it, except Sturgis. That�s when it hit him. Sturgis had come over the night he got fired. Furious and hurt (not to mention drunk), Harm had ranted on about how awful Mac had been to him, how ungrateful she seemed. It had felt good at the time, to let it all go. To pretend that it was all her fault, that he had been completely innocent. And it had felt even better when Sturgis had gotten so upset on his behalf. So upset, it seemed, that he had relayed enough of what had been said to someone else at JAG, most likely Bud. Considering the nature of JAG, the whole sordid story would have made its way through the office in about an hour. And knowing Mac, she had reacted to the whole situation by acting like nothing was wrong and pretending she was fine. Apparently, they had believed her. Damn! He would never have said anything to Sturgis if he�d known this would happen. However upset he had been with her, he didn�t want this. JAG was the only family she had, he wouldn�t ever want her to lose that. Cradling her gently as she wept, he tried to figure out how to undo this mess he had helped to create.
Mac�s tears finally slowed, then stopped. She released Harm�s shirt and said shakily, �I�m sorry. I shouldn�t have done that. I don�t mean to be such a baby.� She stopped when Harm reached down and pulled her face to his.
�You listen to me, Mac. Don�t apologize for letting me in, for showing me what you�re feeling. Okay? As for the part about being a baby, how many times do I have to remind you that it�s okay to cry?� She smiled a little at that. �Can I ask you a couple of questions?� She hesitated, and then nodded her head. �You said they stopped talking to you when I left. Did you mean as soon as I walked out the door?�
She shook her head, �No, it started the next day I think. I didn�t notice at first. Everything was so off-kilter anyway; that I thought everyone was just trying to adjust. Then I heard Tiner and Coates talking and I knew that it was me.�
Well, that confirmed it. He was going to kick Sturgis� ass. He asked her gently, �Can you tell me what they said?�
She shook her head again, �No, it doesn�t matter.�
He almost pushed it, but decided he probably didn�t want to know. It would just make him angrier, and he didn�t think he could afford that. Moving on, he questioned her, �Didn�t they ask you what happened? Give you a chance to tell your side of things? Someone must have wondered.�
Mac shrugged, �Maybe they did. But no one asked. Well, except Sturgis and that was only after...anyway, they didn�t say anything to me. They just kind of glared at me. They don�t anymore, now they just ignore me unless it�s work related. Kind of like we used to treat Singer.� And that answered the question of why she and Sturgis met here. Before he could reflect on that too much, she said hastily, �It�s not all their fault, Harm. I know I acted like I didn�t care that you lost your job because of me. I did, you know that, don�t you? I mean I know I was a bitch in Paraguay and I�m sorry,� he cut her off by placing a finger to her lips.
�I know you cared, Mac. I always knew, I just didn�t want to admit it. It was easier that way, but I always knew. And even if you were being a bitch in Paraguay, I was being a bastard.�
That made her laugh, �I�m not going to disagree, on either count. Neither one of us was being the model of maturity.�
�No we weren�t. But that doesn�t give them the right to treat you like they have been. Especially when they didn�t bother to get your side of the story. Part of that�s my fault and I�m sorry. I shouldn�t have gone off about what happened to Sturgis. I wouldn�t have if I�d known he was going to repeat any of it. What goes on between us is none of their business, Mac. They need to know that.�
The finality of that statement worried her. �Harm, you�re not going to confront them about what I told you, are you?�
Harm didn�t even hesitate, �Yes.�
Mac protested, �Harm, no. You�ll just make it worse. And I�m the one who has to see them every day. Please, Harm, just let me deal with it. Okay?�
He shook his head. �No, it�s not okay. Because your idea of dealing with it is to stand there and take it. They need to understand that the way they�ve been treating you is wrong.� He insisted. When she moved to continue arguing, he interrupted. �I�ll tell you what Mac. I�ll give you two choices and you decide which one to go with. But it�s an either/or proposition. And if you don�t choose, I will.�
Mac eyed him warily, �I�m listening.� Harm nodded, �Okay. Choice number one. I come to JAG on Monday, pick myself up a visitor�s pass, walk into the bullpen and tell them all exactly what I think of the way they�ve been acting.�
Mac said angrily, �Absolutely not! What�s choice two?� she asked.
�Choice two. I come to your apartment, pick you up, escort you to the Admiral�s and we walk into his party together. That way, they see us together and hopefully realize themselves how stupid they�ve been. Otherwise, I will discreetly take them aside and point out the error of their ways. With you standing nearby to make sure I don�t get out of control.�
�No, Harm. I already told you that I�m not going.�
Harm shrugged, �Then I�ll see you bright and early Monday morning.� She glared furiously at him, but he just stared back, unyielding. They held each other�s gaze in a silent battle of wills.
Finally Mac sighed angrily and turned away. �I hate you,� she said sullenly.
�I know.� He placed a quick kiss to the top of her head.
�So what time should I pick you up?�
Harmon Rabb did not want to be here. If he could have chosen any location to have his first encounter with Mac since his return, this one wouldn�t have even crossed his mind. He had no idea what reason they could possibly have to come here. Neither one of them had even liked Singer. And he certainly felt no need to spend time at the grave of a woman he had despised, a woman whose murder cost him weeks of his life. He had considered leaving and just waiting for Mac at her apartment, but decided against it. For whatever reason, Mac felt comfortable opening up here, so this is where they would stay. Harm knew he would need every advantage he could get.