Gratitude
Part Ten
Way to go, Sarah. Why not prove him right and act like a total lunatic? Besides, you know he would never tell the Admiral anything without letting you know. God, you really are paranoid. Still, if he would just call I wouldn�t be in this situation. It�s his fault I�m standing here looking like an idiot.
Annoyed, she reached into her car for the flowers and stomped up the small incline to Singer�s headstone. She resumed her tirade, albeit a little more softly, �Fine. I don�t care anyway. He wants to be late, let him be late. I�m not waiting around for him. I don�t even want to be here. I was prepared to meet tomorrow. But no, he had to meet tonight. Just couldn�t wait.� She reached her destination and broke off her rant while she laid the flowers on the ground. Looking at the name carved in stone, she began to direct her comments toward it. �Don�t think I don�t know what he�s doing. I know. He�s going to try to convince me to go to the Admiral�s engagement party. And he doesn�t want to wait until tomorrow because he can�t give me the chance to think about my argument. Because then he knows he�d lose. Just like in the courtroom. But I�ve got news for him. He�s going to lose anyway.� She dropped to the ground, ignoring the inevitable grass stains on her uniform. At least she was wearing pants today. She leaned forward to address the headstone again. �You know what really bothers me? More than him being late and not calling? The fact that he�s got me so upset that I�m talking to myself. No, he�s got me so upset that I�m talking to YOU. I spent years doing my best to avoid having to talk to you when you were alive, and now that you�re dead, I�m talking to you like we were old friends or something. Why is that?�
�Maybe because it�s easier to talk to her now that she can�t talk back,� Sturgis� voice came from behind her just as his shadow passed over her. Mac leapt to her feet and whirled around.
�Jesus, Sturgis, you scared the hell out of me, you big jerk.� She glared at him as she tried to calm her heart. It was beating so fast, too fast. And it was getting hard to breathe. �Shit!� she cursed to herself as she realized where this was heading. �I don�t need this right now.� Trying to nip it in the bud, she dropped back down and buried her head in her knees, working to calm her breathing. She felt Sturgis move to his usual position at her back. She kept her head on her knees as she talked herself down. Deep breaths. In, then out. Come on, marine. Get control. There�s no reason to panic. You�re safe. Just calm down. She repeated this to herself until her heart slowed and she was breathing normally. When she finally felt she had regained control, she lifted her head from her knees. She elbowed Sturgis lightly to remind him she was still mad at him, then leaned back and positioned herself so she could drop her head onto his shoulder.
Sturgis sat patiently while she calmed down. It was foolish to startle her like that, he knew. But when he had found her here, ranting to the ghost of Lt. Singer, he had been so amused that he spoke without thinking. For a moment, Mac had seemed like her old self again. He had forgotten how little it took to set off these attacks. Attacks, that�s what they had started calling them on the rare occasion they actually talked about them. He didn�t know if it was accurate, but they had to call them something and attacks seemed to have stuck.
When he felt her relax against him, he decided it would be safe to speak. �I�m sorry I�m late. I got hung up at work. I was going to call from the road, but I forgot my cell phone.� Well, not so much forgot as deliberately left behind so he wouldn�t take the chance of revealing he�d spoken with Harm. He didn�t think he needed to point that out. He�d get into trouble for that one soon enough as it is. He reached for one of the two water bottles he had brought with him and handed one to her.
Mac took the bottle from Sturgis and opened it. Lifting herself up a little, she drained half the bottle before replacing the cap. Moving back to her previous position, she stretched herself out. As she did, she could feel Sturgis relaxing against her back. While they were both getting situated, she used the time to look around. She was doing that more often these days, scanning her surroundings looking for anything out of place, anything that didn�t belong. And if she hadn�t found anything yet, it didn�t stop her from looking.
She looked at the other few mourners paying their respects. �He�s here again.� Mac noted half to herself, her eyes focusing on a familiar figure in the distance. She had noticed him that first night and had seen him a couple of times since. �Who�s here again?� Mac sighed, �Just a man I noticed the last couple of times we�ve been here. I wonder who he lost that was so important to him that he comes to visit so often.�
Sturgis replied, �How do you know it�s someone important?�
�Why would he come if the person wasn�t important?�
�I don�t know. There could be any number of reasons,� Sturgis pointed out. �Look at us. He probably thinks whoever we�re visiting was important to us. You wouldn�t think anyone would come so often to the grave of a murdered co-worker. Especially when they didn�t even really like her. Maybe he�s here for a similar reason. Not so much because of the importance of the person he�s visiting, but the importance of not letting her be forgotten, whoever she was.�
�Maybe you�re right,� Mac conceded, �but wouldn�t it be nicer to think that he�s here because she really mattered to him? Do you ever wonder if you�ll ever be so important to someone that even after you�ve died, they still can�t bear to leave your side? What would it be like to be the focus of so much love and devotion?�
�You don�t have to wonder, Mac. You already are that important to someone. You just refuse to accept it.� Sturgis said gently. He noticed a very familiar SUV pulling into the parking lot. He had wondered how long it would take Harm to show up, if he had gotten lost. He watched as Harm got out of his car and just stood there, staring at the ground. He realized that he hadn�t even warned Harm that they met at the grave of the woman he�d been accused of murdering. The woman he thought had been pregnant with his brother�s child. Sturgis questioned the wisdom of what he was doing. But he couldn�t think of any other way to let Harm know how much she needed him right now. Because she did, even if she wouldn�t let herself admit it. He tried one last time, �He cares, Mac. He knows something�s wrong. Why not tell him instead of making him push until he finds out anyway?�
Mac was starting to get frustrated, � Because I can�t Sturgis, all right? I just can�t. I�m...� she trailed off with a sigh. She took a breath and continued more calmly. �I�m not ready to talk about Harm, okay? And I�m not ready to talk TO him, either. Not quite yet. Can you just give me a little time?�
Sturgis nodded, �Sure, Mac.� He stared at Harm as he started towards them. �Factoring in distance, speed, and terrain, I can give you about five minutes� he added silently. �She is really going to kill you, Sturgis.� Well, it was too late now. Ready or not, Mac was going to have to deal with Harm. Trying to keep her from noticing Harm�s approach, he distracted her with the original reason for tonight�s meeting. �You�re not really considering skipping the Admiral�s party next week, are you?�
�Jeez, Sturgis, you�re not pulling any punches tonight, are you?� She pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around them loosely, leaving her head resting against Sturgis� shoulder. �For your information, I�m not �really considering� anything. I�ve already made my decision. I�m not going.�
�Why not?� Sturgis probed.
�Why should I, Sturgis? You and Meredith would be the only people there who are still talking to me. And I wouldn�t know what to say to Meredith after everything that�s happened between the Admiral and me. Forget it, Sturgis. It would be ridiculously uncomfortable for everyone. The party would be a whole lot more fun if I�m not there.�
Harm was now within hearing distance, so Sturgis discretely motioned for him to stop. He wanted to try and deal with this issue before she saw Harm. Harm nodded and stayed out of her line of sight. �I doubt the Admiral would agree with you. He wants you there, Mac. You know he does. Are you still so angry with him that you can�t even show up to celebrate his engagement? Especially considering you�re the reason they got together in the first place. Can�t you let go of your anger for one night?�
�It�s not about being angry, Sturgis,� Mac argued, �I�m more hurt than angry at this point. And I�m trying to let it go, I really am. But I won�t make the first move. If he wants me to think of him as more than a commanding officer, to think of him as a friend again, he has to make the first move.�
�Maybe this is his first move,� Sturgis pointed out.
�Then it was a bad first move. I�m not going, Sturgis. I�m not going to spend an entire night either being stared at or ignored. And I�m not going to ruin what could be a perfectly good evening for you by forcing you to accompany me. I would only end up making you feel uncomfortable.�
�In that case, I think you should go with me, instead.� Mac froze at the sound of a voice that was most definitely not Sturgis. She closed her eyes and counted to ten. He was not here. He wasn�t. She was hallucinating now, that�s all. And that wasn�t a bad thing right now. It was preferable to the alternative, which was that Sturgis had opened his big mouth and told Harm where to find her. Because then she�d have to kill one, if not both of them. So he just wasn�t here. �After all, Mac. I�d feel uncomfortable either way.�
�Damn,� she swore, �That was not a hallucination.� She slowly raised her head from Sturgis� shoulder. Squinting against the setting sun, she looked up to see exactly what she had been afraid of. The towering form of one Harmon Rabb.
Fair Oaks Cemetery
1740 EST
�Where the hell is he?� Mac muttered to herself as she paced the parking lot. After their initial meeting, Sturgis had made it a point to be here exactly on time, if not early. Her voice began to rise in frustration as she continued to talk to herself, �Why is he late? He�s never late. Not even when it�s his turn to pick up the flowers.� They had decided to alternate buying flowers to place at the grave. �Where is he!? I mean, I�m sure he just got held up at JAG, but he could at least call and tell me he�s going to be late. It�s common courtesy, after all.� She paused. �Unless he got called into the Admiral�s office and is in there right now telling the Admiral that his Chief of Staff is going crazy. In which case said Chief of Staff is going to hunt him down like a rabid dog!� A noise from behind her caused her to look up. A couple she had noticed when she pulled in were walking back to their car. They were also staring at her. She realized how ridiculous she must look, pacing back and forth in the parking lot of a cemetery talking to herself and waving her arms in the air. In uniform, no less.