Gratitude
Part Nine
Mac bolted upright and gasped for breath. Her lungs still felt so heavy with the weight of the smoke that she wondered if there was a fire in her apartment. That last horrified scream still echoed in her ears and the nightmarish image of that featureless face shattering beneath her touch forced her eyes open in an attempt to focus them on something familiar, something soothing. Harm. His face smiled at her from her bedside table. She grasped it with shaky hands, clutching it to her while she forced away the last remnants of her nightmare. It was the same dream she had been having off and on since the night at the club in Paraguay. And as time went on, the dream became more intense as bits and pieces of memories and flashbacks and her own fears became woven into its fabric. Logically, she knew she should take some time and analyze the images until she could make sense of them. But just the thought of diving back into that nightmarish realm was enough to set her heart racing again. She was just beginning to regain her equilibrium when the harsh ring of the phone set her off again. Reaching over for the receiver, she took one long, deep breath to center herself before she picked it up. �Mackenzie.�
�You sound like hell, Mac. Did I wake you up?� Sturgis� familiar baritone washed over her and the knot in her chest relaxed just a little. She sat for a minute and just let the sound of it soothe her frayed nerves. When she didn�t respond, he spoke again. �Mac. Is everything okay?�
�Everything�s fine, Sturgis. Just had a bad dream,� she brushed off her nightmare. She had worried Sturgis enough lately when she was awake. She wasn�t going to force him to deal with her subconscious insanity, too. �What did you need on a Saturday at,� she paused to check her internal clock, �0758. Jeez, Sturgis, what are you even doing up at eight in the morning on a Saturday? Don�t you ever sleep in?�
�Sure, I do. I get up at six instead of five,� Sturgis answered matter-of-factly, �And as for what I need, that would be you, Colonel.�
Mac�s gut tightened again. She had known he wouldn�t let her just get away with her little revelation last night. Trying to deflect his attention, she flirted, �Why, Sturgis. I didn�t know you felt that way.�
�Nice try, Mac. You know I�m not going to ignore what you said last night. Now, we can sit here and talk in circles for a while and waste both our time. Or you could agree to meet me somewhere and we can start this, and maybe finish it, a little faster. Mac? Are you still there?� he called out when she didn�t respond.
A petulant voice muttered at him from the other end, �I�m still here. I had to stop for a minute so I could stick my tongue out at you.�
Sturgis laughed, if she was willing to joke, she was probably willing to talk, �Is that what they taught you at boot camp, Marine?�
�Yeah, right after they taught us how to kick the six of any squid that crossed our path.� She sighed, �You�re not going to let this go, are you Sturgis?�
�No, Mac. I�m not.�
She sighed again. �I�ll meet you in an hour. Same place as yesterday. But so help me, Sturgis, if you are even a minute late...�
He cut her off, �I won�t be. I�ll see you in an hour, Colonel.� They each hung up and began to get ready.
Fair Oaks Cemetery
�You�re early,� she said calmly from her perch on the hood of her car.
�I know better than to test the patience of a marine,� he responded. �Are we going to talk here or are we going to...�unable to find a way to finish the thought, he simply gestured to the general direction of Singer�s grave. In response, Mac simply slid off her car and started walking. Sturgis followed behind, grateful that the heat wave that had enveloped the area for the past few days seemed to have broken. In fact, with the sun still hiding beyond the scattered clouds and the light breeze blowing steadily, it was actually quite cool. He wondered if Mac, dressed in a simple white tank top and khaki shorts, was feeling chilled. He thought for a moment she was as her steps grew faster and her arms wrapped around herself, then her head started to turn rapidly from side to side. Her body grew tense and Sturgis knew she was having another attack. He moved to her side, careful not to touch her and to go slowly enough to give her time to register his presence. He spoke quietly, �Mac, maybe we should find someplace else to talk.�
She stopped abruptly and looked at him. She knew that he had noticed her looking around and that he was worried about her, but if she left now, she felt that somehow she would be letting the panic take control. She shook her head. �No, this is fine.� She stopped his immediate protest, �I want to stay here, Sturgis. I need to stay here.�
Sturgis gazed at her. �You�re sure?� he questioned probingly.
�I�m sure. I just...� she hesitated momentarily, then continued, �I just wish I had eyes in the back of my head, sometimes. You know?� She smiled halfheartedly at him.
He smiled back, �I�ve felt that way a time or two myself.� Suddenly, he had an idea how to help ease her mind. �I have an idea. Come with me,� and he resumed walking. Mac followed, curious to know what he was thinking. When they reached Singer�s grave, he motioned for her to sit.
�What?� She had no idea where he was heading with this, but he just motioned again. She slowly lowered herself to the ground, wrapping her arms around her knees and tilting her head up to gaze at him questioningly. Wordlessly, he stepped behind her and slid down, mimicking her position until they were sitting with their backs to each other. Leaning back, he nudged her slightly until she relaxed against his back.
As they settled in, he said, �Now we each have eyes in the back of her head.�
�It�s a good idea,� she said softly, �Thank you.� They sat in silence for a time. �So how long did you wait before you called Harm last night?� she asked, breaking the silence.
�I didn�t call him. I wasn�t sure if you�d really go see him and I didn�t want to make things worse if you hadn�t.�
�Thank you.� She paused for a second, then continued, �So how long did Harm wait before he called you last night?�
�About an hour,� Sturgis laughed. �He wanted me to �keep an eye on you�. I told him I would. Of course I also told him I wouldn�t mention it to you.�
Mac snorted, �It�s not like I wouldn�t have figured it out on my own.�
Sturgis nodded his head. �That�s why I told you. Thought maybe I�d get in less trouble that way.�
�Good thinking.�
Silence descended again. This time it was Sturgis who spoke first, �When did it start, Mac?� he questioned gently. She thought about pretending not to know what he was talking about, but decided that would just prolong the agony. She took a minute to gather her thoughts.
�When I woke up in Saddiq�s compound. I thought it was something physical at first. We had gotten pretty banged up when the car flipped. Then I thought it was just a reaction to what was happening. I mean, I was being held hostage by a terrorist and listening to a friend being tortured. It would make anyone upset. Then everything started to happen so fast. The missionary woman told Saddiq I wasn�t pregnant, he let me take Clay�s place, I watched him execute those people, then I was lying on the table staring at the battery and the cables. But I handled it. I just kept telling myself that I�d get out of there. No, I kept telling myself that Harm would get me out. Then he was there, just like I knew he would be. He shot the terrorists and got me out of there. And we destroyed the missiles and stopped the terrorists. And that should have been it, Sturgis. It should have been over when Harm released me from that table. But it wasn�t over. It still isn�t. I still feel like I�m there, like I�m still trapped in that room waiting for the pain to start. It should have ended when he came, Sturgis. I don�t understand why it didn�t.�
Sturgis had remained silent throughout her narrative, noticing how her voice had gotten faster and more agitated as she went on. He thought he understood, at least a little, her attitude towards Harm when they were down there. �That�s why you were angry with him, wasn�t it? Instead of him stopping all of it when he came for you, it all just got more intense. And you couldn�t figure out why. That made it even worse, so you lashed out at him.�
Mac turned her head to the side until she could see his profile. �I didn�t do it on purpose, Sturgis. I would never do that on purpose. It was all happening so fast and I couldn�t catch my breath. And by the time I calmed down enough to see what was happening, it was too late. We had said too much, things we couldn�t take back. But I didn�t mean it, Sturgis. You have to believe me,� she pleaded with him to understand. �I know it�s no excuse, but...�
�Maybe it isn�t,� he cut her off, �but it is an explanation, a pretty good explanation. And I�m sure if you told Harm what you just told me, he would agree with me.� At that, Mac turned her head away from him.
�It�s not going to happen, Sturgis.� He started to argue, but she immediately cut him off. Her voice was like steel. �No, Sturgis. I�m not telling him any of this. So just drop it. I mean it, this is non-negotiable. If you can�t accept that, then you need to just get up and walk away.�
�I�m not leaving, Mac. I won�t push it, I promise, but I think you�re wrong.�
She softened a little, �Right or wrong, it�s my decision to make. And I�ve made it. I know you�re trying to help; Sturgis, and I appreciate it. More than you can know. But I�m asking you not to say anything to anyone else. I promise I won�t shut you out. I�ll be as open as I can with you, but I just can�t handle anyone else knowing about this right now. I�m already on edge, having people looking at me all the time waiting for me to crack would just be too much. Please, Sturgis. I know I don�t have any right to ask you this, but please keep one more secret for me.�
As much as he wanted to say no, he could see where she was coming from. He didn�t think he�d want more attention if he were in her place. �All right, Mac. I won�t say anything. For now,� he added. But you have to agree to talk to me at least once every couple of days. More if you feel like it�s getting worse. We can meet here, if you want so we don�t have to worry about being overheard. But you have to promise to talk to me, Mac. I can�t do this if you don�t.� He shifted around to face her. �Deal?� he asked, holding out his hand.
She just sat there and Sturgis thought she wasn�t going to agree, when she finally took a deep breath and turned to him. Taking his hand, she said softly but firmly, �Deal.�
JAG Headquarters
Sturgis and Mac both kept their promise. They kept their lunch ritual, but he now ate in her office with her. They had also met twice after work in the past week. Mac was slowly opening up, telling more about her experiences. Sturgis knew she was deliberately drawing things out to avoid dealing with the larger issues, but he didn�t say anything. Technically, she was keeping her part of the bargain and that was good enough for now. Especially since he was deliberately not telling her about the three e-mails he had gotten from Harm. Wherever Harm�s C.I.A. mission was, they apparently had the Internet. The messages were the same, a simple �How is everyone?� Everyone of course being Mac. �We�re okay� was his equally short, letting him know that he was keeping an eye on her as promised. He figured that while volunteering was against the rules, answering Harm�s questions with a vague �she�s fine� was within acceptable limits. So if neither one of them was sticking to the spirit of the agreement, they were at least technically keeping their promises.
They had decided to wait until tomorrow morning to meet again, when the Admiral had called an impromptu staff meeting and informed them that they were all invited to his house next Friday to celebrate his engagement. Mac�s eyes had immediately widened in panic. Sturgis knew she wouldn�t want to go, but he thought it would be a good thing for her. These people needed to see her outside of work and remember that she was more than just a fellow officer. While the hostility towards Mac had abated, people were still uncomfortable around her, avoiding her if possible. It wasn�t helping Mac and it was angering Sturgis more and more. After the Admiral had dismissed them, he pulled her to the side and changed their meeting to tonight. He didn�t want to give her too much time to build an argument against him. She had reluctantly agreed, and they had spent the rest of the day avoiding the subject. Now, Mac was locking up her office and heading out. She looked over at him and nodded once, then hurried away before she could accidentally bump into anyone and be forced into another awkward conversation.
Sturgis had just packed up his things and was heading out when his office phone rang. He debated answering it for a moment, but he was still technically on the clock. Moving back behind his desk, he answered with a hint of irritation, �Commander Turner.�
�Let me guess, you were trying to sneak out a little early,� Harm�s voice had more than a hint of amusement.
�Hey, buddy. Does the fact that you�re calling and not e-mailing mean you�re back from your spook mission?�
Harm groaned, �Yes, thank God. I�m not sure I�m cut out for this, Sturgis. If all my assignments turn out like this one, I might be unemployed again soon,� he confided before changing the subject. �But that�s not why I called. I�m heading over to Mac�s place to talk to her and I wanted to know what kind of mood she�s in before I do.�
�Actually, Harm, she won�t be home for awhile,� Sturgis answered.
�Is she on a case?� Harm asked.
�No, but we�re getting together to talk.�
Harm responded, �That�s even better. It�ll make it harder for her to run. Where are you meeting?�
�I can�t tell you,� Sturgis cut off Harm�s immediate protest, �We have a deal, Harm, and I can�t break my end of it.� When Harm started to speak, Sturgis stopped him. �However, if someone were to follow me, I probably wouldn�t notice,� he continued before Harm could say anything, �I�ll be leaving JAG in about...�
�Twenty-five minutes,� Harm finished, calculating the time it would take him to turn around and get over to JAG.
�Twenty-five minutes,� Sturgis confirmed.
�Well then, I guess I should let you get ready to leave,� Harm said even as he made an illegal u-turn and headed in the opposite direction, �I�ll see you later, buddy. Bye.� And with that he hung up, speeding as fast as he dared down the road.
Sturgis sat back down at his desk. He decided to get some work done while he waited. Especially since there was a very large possibility that Mac would kill him when she found out what he�d done. He muttered quietly to himself, �Maybe I should use the time to update my will.�
She was weaving her way through the darkened club, trying frantically to locate the exit. She could feel it, stronger than it had ever been. She passed blindly by the shadowed figures milling around her, struggling against the weight of the smoky air as it tried to push her back into the crowd. She fought against it, but it was too strong. It seemed to be trying to direct her somewhere specific as it maneuvered her towards a form in the distance. She tried to focus on the shape as she was led to it, but the smoke was thickening as she moved. Her eyes began to burn and she was forced to close them and stumble forward blindly. The acrid stench of the smoke combined with sweat and cologne and alcohol was so strong that she could almost taste it and her skin was like ice even in the heat of the room. She could hear the murmur of voices running together, getting louder as she moved closer to the figure still obscured by the mist. As she drew nearer, the noise increased. When she reached him, the smoke had become tangible, wrapped around his face like a silken web. Frantically, she began to pull the strands away. Somehow she knew that the key to understanding what was happening was tied to the face hidden beneath her fingers. She was getting close; patches of smooth skin were beginning to show through. The closer she got to the face the louder the voices became. And then another voice started to whisper in her ear. �It�s too late, Sarah. It�s too late.� She ignored it, fighting the last of the strands until she could tear them away and be faced with...nothing. There was no face, just a smooth blank surface, like clouded glass. Her hand reached out to touch it and like glass it shattered, and the voices combined until they were a scream....
0855 EST
The following Friday
1645 EST