Gratitude
Part Six
Her little stunt with the Admiral yesterday had made the rounds throughout the building, and she was once again the topic of the water cooler crowd. Mac wondered if she�d ever get used to it. The sideways looks, the excited whispers that cut off as soon as she came within range, the knowledge that everyone was talking about her. She could see it in their eyes, a combination of scandalized shock that she would do such a thing and breathless anticipation at the thought that she just might do it again. The whole thing was adding more strain to her already tense nerves. But the thing that really annoyed her was her own reaction to being the center of gossip in this place. It wasn�t like it was the first time. In the course of her eight years at JAG, she had done things a lot worse than making a snide remark to the Admiral. Hell, she had been on trial for the murder of a husband nobody knew she had! Yet, even that hadn�t affected her as much as this did. Because when Chris died, her friends had been there to support her. As upset as they were, Harm, Bud, Harriet, and the Admiral had still stood by her. This time she was alone.
Or maybe not so alone. She was starting to think she had an ally after all. Either that, or Sturgis Turner had gone off the deep end and decided to stalk her. Those were the only two explanations Mac could come up with for the sudden turnabout in his attitude towards her. She had examined the day on her way home from visiting Clay last night and was pretty sure that he had been standing by the conference room door when she rushed out after the staff meeting. It would certainly explain the fact that he had spoken to her more in the last thirty-six hours than he had the entire time she had been back. In fact, she had been so sure he was following her movements that she had tested her theory before court this morning. In a completely uncharacteristic move, Colonel Sarah Mackenzie had spent her morning taking frequent, very long trips to the restroom, and a few to refill her coffee as well. Sure enough, every time she emerged from the ladies room, a certain ex-bubblehead had just happened to be getting a drink of water from the fountain. And he had always needed a refill on his coffee around the same time she did. Sturgis Turner might be a great lawyer, Mac mused to herself, but he was a lousy spy.
But we got him back, didn�t we? She smirked to herself as she recalled the look of increasing discomfort on his face in court. Followed by the constant shifting in his seat. Finally, it had annoyed Judge Sebring enough that he had called a recess until the next morning, glaring at Sturgis all the while. It had been everything she could do not to bust out laughing as Sturgis rushed from his seat behind the defense table and into the nearest men�s room. To rub it in, she made sure she was standing at the water fountain when he emerged. He had glared at her widely grinning countenance as he went back inside to gather his things, mumbling something about pillars and underestimating his opponents.
Speak of the devil she thought to herself as she shut her office door. Turner had just turned away from his own office and was heading to the elevator when he spotted her. Raising his hands in mock surrender, he called out, �You wouldn�t shoot an unarmed man, would you?�
She shot back, �I might, if I thought the unarmed man was stalking me.�
�I think the term �admiring from afar� sounds a little better.�
Sturgis smiled when she responded, �Better maybe, but inaccurate. There was no afar in the admiring being done.�
�Probably not,� he conceded.
As they stepped on the elevator, an awkward silence enveloped them. Witty banter aside, Mac still wasn�t sure what Sturgis was trying to accomplish.
�I�m trying to remind both of us that I�m still your friend. And hopefully, that you�re still mine,� Sturgis spoke gently, knowing that she probably had meant to voice her doubts aloud.
She confirmed that when her eyes darted up to him and she whispered in a kind of surprised dread, �Did I say that out loud?� When he just nodded, she shook her head and muttered, �I�ve got to stop doing that.� Looking back up, she regarded him warily, �Why?�
�Why what?�
Mac sighed exasperatedly, �Why are you trying to remind either of us that we�re friends. And why have you suddenly decided that we�re friends again? Because you saw me a little upset yesterday? If that�s the reason, you can take your friendship and shove it up your six. I don�t need your pity, Commander. And while we�re at it, what makes you think I need your friendship? In case you haven�t noticed, I�ve been getting along pretty well without it. You know, I used to wonder how Singer could stand it. Always having people talking about her, knowing no one liked her. But you know what? You get used to it. You stop expecting people to talk to you or notice your feelings. And in a way, it�s better. At least if you don�t have friends, you can�t lose them.�
Sturgis just stood there and let Mac vent. As she stopped to catch her breath, he reached over and pushed the emergency stop button on the elevator panel. She looked up, alarmed, �Why did you do that?�
�Because I wasn�t sure if you were finished,� he answered her.
She glared at him suspiciously, �Are you patronizing me?�
Sturgis shook his head, �No, I�m giving you the chance to say what you want to say to me without us being overheard. And I�m giving myself a chance to respond to your questions.� Mac�s glare didn�t lessen. Leaning back against the elevator wall and crossing her arms defensively over her chest, she huffed, �You want to respond? By all means, Commander Turner, respond away.�
Sturgis moved to lean against the opposite wall. After taking a deep breath to organize his thoughts, he spoke, �First of all, I didn�t decide we were friends again. You never stopped being my friend. And despite the large amounts of evidence to the contrary, I never stopped being yours. I�ve always been your friend. But when I went to talk to Harm and everything was such a mess, I admit I got caught too caught up in what he was going through and forgot to look at your side of things. In my defense, I will say that you were doing your best to hide from everyone that anything was wrong and that was part of the problem. Especially since we�ve known each other a relatively short amount of time in comparison to the rest of this place. But I still should have known better than to think you were unaffected by everything that�s happened. Yesterday was a swift kick in the six that reminded me of that."
"I�m sorry that it took seeing you so upset to make me realize what a bad friend I was being. And I�m sorry that I�ve treated you so unfairly. But I�m not sorry that I saw what I did because it�s obvious you weren�t going to tell anyone on your own. And like it or not, I do know something�s wrong and I want to try and help. Because you ARE still my friend. But I�m not going to force you to talk to me. My bladder and I learned our lesson today,� Mac couldn�t help the tiny grin that crossed her face at that. �I�m going to give you as much time and space as you need to trust in my friendship again. And when you�re ready to talk, I�ll be here.�
Mac�s face had softened at his explanation. She answered him honestly, �I know you�re my friend Sturgis. And in my head, I know you never stopped. But my heart�s going to need a little time to process everything. It�s all so confusing right now. And I�m not going to bother denying that I�m having problems when we�d both know I would be lying. I will say that if you want me to trust in your friendship, I need to know you won�t mention this to anyone else.�
�Not even Harm?� he interjected.
�Especially not Harm. We�re in a bad place right now, Sturgis. And it�s mostly my fault. Not completely, but it�s definitely not a fifty/fifty split on blame this time. I don�t want him to feel obligated to try and fix things between us just because I can�t hold it together. Especially knowing that it would just make things worse in the end. It�s not fair to either of us, Sturgis. As for everyone else, well you said it yourself. You and I have only been a friends a short time, considering. And yet, you�re the only one who noticed something wasn�t right. They�ve known me for almost a decade; Sturgis and they don�t see a thing. Because they haven�t bothered to look. And quite frankly, if they can�t see it by themselves, then they don�t deserve to know. I don�t want their pity any more than I want yours. And I don�t want guilt, either. When I can convince myself that�s not why you�re here now, I promise I�ll come talk to you as best I can. Can you live with that?� Mac looked up at him with pleading eyes.
Sturgis smiled at her reassuringly. �I can live with that, Mac. And I won�t say anything to anyone. Even Harm. But Mac, if I think things are getting worse, I reserve the right to break that promise. Can you live with that?� She hesitated for a moment, then sighed and nodded her head. �Good, then we�re doing O.K.� he said as he reached forward and restarted the elevator. Riding the rest of the way in silence, Sturgis stepped back and let Mac exit first. She smiled up at him and headed towards the door. When she was almost there, Sturgis called to her again. Turning around, she looked at him questioningly. He looked at her seriously as he said, �You might not need my friendship, Colonel, but I do need yours.� She stared at him for a moment, then nodded her head at him and continued out the door.
Sturgis Turner�s Apartment
Sturgis was in his kitchen fixing himself dinner when a furious banging came from his front door. Hurrying to it, he looked through the peephole to see what looked to be an extremely irate Marine Lieutenant Colonel on the other side. Opening the door, he motioned her in. She strode into his apartment, shaking with rage and clutching what looked like stationary in her hand. �Mac, is everything alright?�
Mac�s response was to shove the paper into his chest with enough force to push him back into the wall. Before he could regain his balance, she started in on him, �This is how you keep your distance?!� she shouted, waving the paper in his face. �This is how you don�t interfere in my life! This is how you prove that I can trust you! By breaking your promise after a couple of hours!!�
Sturgis finally managed to push himself off the wall. He lifted his hands placating, �Mac, I don�t know what�s on that piece of paper, but I can assure you I did not break my promise. I haven�t done anything since you left JAG except get in my car and come home. I haven�t talked to or seen anyone. I couldn�t have broken my promise even if I wanted to. You need to believe that.�
�You want me to believe that,� she growled at him, �then you read this and tell me you had nothing to do with it being written.� With that she grabbed his hand and slapped the paper into it. Turning, she crossed the room to the sofa and dropped down, glaring at him. Glancing apprehensively at her, he cautiously opened up the folded sheet of paper. His heart dropped when he saw the name on the letterhead. KRESGE HILLS MEDICAL CENTER.
Oh, shit.
He could feel himself getting sick as he read Clayton Webb�s farewell to Sarah Mackenzie. The bastard managed to get the upper hand after all. Oh, Sturgis had no doubt that the goodbye was sincere and Webb wouldn�t be forcing himself into Mac�s life again. But even saying goodbye, the damn spook had to be manipulative and underhanded. Webb told Mac that he loved her, but that someone had made him see that he would never be enough for her. He admitted that he had tried to use her concern and friendship for him to create something more, but that someone pointed out that she deserved better than that. He pointed out that someone had made him see that she shouldn�t have to learn to trust him not to lie to her and keep secrets from her. Clayton Webb had turned around everything Sturgis said to him until he was the martyr and the mysterious SOMEONE was the villain who had denied them a chance at happiness. Sonofa....I knew I should have gone with the bridge.
Finally daring to look up, he found Mac hadn�t moved a muscle. He didn�t think she�d even blinked. He squared his shoulders and moved calmly over to the chair opposite the couch. Unable to find a direct route to where he wanted to go, he opted to ask her something that had crossed his mind while reading, �Why do you think I had something to do with it?�
Her eyes widened in disbelief, �You�re actually going to sit here and look me in the eye and try to deny it?�
Sturgis didn�t flinch at the anger underlying the question. Show no fear. Make her see the truth. And whatever you do, don�t turn your back on her. Sturgis repeated this in his head even as he calmly replied, �I wasn�t trying to deny it, Mac. I went to talk to Clayton Webb last night. I�m just wondering how you decided it was me and not someone else, like Harm.� His own words registered in his head. Oh, God. �Mac, you didn�t think it was Harm did you? Please tell me you didn�t go to Harm first and accuse him of talking to Webb.�
�No, Sturgis,� she spit out, �I did not go to Harm and accuse him. I haven�t spoken to Harm in a week. And it only took me about thirty seconds to realize that Harm wasn�t the one Clay was referring to. In the letter, Clay says that sooner or later, either Harm or I will figure out...� She trailed off as a swirl of emotions filled her at the thought that she and Harm would figure out this whole mess. Pushing those emotions aside, she continued, �Anyway, if Harm had been the one who had talked to Clay that would mean that he had already figured out whatever Clay was talking about. So it wasn�t him. And it doesn�t take a genius to figure out who that leaves. So I would just like to know what the hell you thought you were doing!�
�Mac, I was trying to help. That�s all. I was worried about you yesterday and you snuck out before I could talk to you. I thought that maybe you were talking to someone else about whatever was wrong. I knew it wasn�t anyone at JAG and I assumed you wouldn�t tell Harm. Webb was the only other option. I went to the hospital to see if he was helping you with your problems. When I got there, you were still in with him. After listening to the two of you talk, and before you start,� he cut off her protest before she had a chance to voice it, �yes, I eavesdropped. I didn�t want to intrude. I decided that if I could tell you were opening up to him, I would leave well enough alone and let you two figure it out. But you weren�t confiding in him. Dammit, Mac, you�ve been through hell these past few weeks. You were confused and alone and Clayton Webb was taking advantage of that!�
At that, Mac jumped up and started pacing the room, �He wasn�t taking advantage, Sturgis! He was hurt and he needed me! God, you�re just like Harm! Just because he isn�t perfect, because you feel some sort of moral superiority to him, because you�re a high and mighty Naval Commander and he�s a lowly spy, you think you have the right to push him out of my life without even asking me if I wanted him out! But you know what, Sturgis? You�re right. I was confused and alone. See, my best friend gave up his career to save me from a terrorist. Except he couldn�t be bothered to tell me that. He could, however, let me know all about his �marriage� to the blond bimbo du jour. Oh, and he didn�t hesitate to tell me how I felt about Clayton Webb since it�s obvious he knows what I�m feeling even when I don�t. But he wasn�t jealous. God forbid he be jealous. That might mean he actually GAVE A DAMN!!! And when I try and stop us from completely destroying each other, when I tell him that we need to give up on us because it�s never going to work and it�s tearing us apart, suddenly I become the heartless bitch who ruined his life! And in case I were to try and forget that after I got home, I had all of my FRIENDS to remind me every minute of every goddamn day! So you�re right Sturgis! I was confused and I was alone! But not anymore! Now I�m absolutely positive that I AM ALONE!!!! And I owe it all to you! So thank you, Commander Turner, for reminding me of exactly who and what I can count on in my life! And for proving without a doubt that it�s not you!�
Face flushed, chest heaving, Mac started to storm past him to the door. Grabbing her wrist intent on getting her to calm down, if only enough that he could trust her to drive, he was shocked when she suddenly froze. Her eyes locked on his hand and a look of terror crossed her face. Sturgis opened his mouth to apologize for startling her when he recognized the look on her face. It was the same face he had seen yesterday in the break room and in the conference room. Unsure of whether it would be better to remove his hand or leave it, he loosened his grip on her wrist. When she didn�t react, he slowly let go of her arm. Although her hand immediately fell to her side, her eyes were still fixed to the same spot. Quietly, trying not to startle her, he spoke. �Mac? Are you O.K.?� Her response was to start shaking violently. He called to her again, a little louder this time. �Mac? I need you to say something. Talk to me, Colonel.�
�Blood,� she whispered softly. �Why is there blood on your hands? What happened, Sturgis?� At the sound of his name, he felt a small measure of relief. At least she knew who he was. The relief faded when her gaze fixed on his and her eyes filled with tears. �What�s happening to me?� Her voice was so full of fear and horror that his own response got stuck in his throat. He reached a hand out to her, trying to convey with his touch what he couldn�t with his voice, and she stepped quickly away. Stumbling back towards the door, she shook her head at him.
�I�m fine. I am.� Sturgis wasn�t sure which one of them she was trying to reassure, but it wasn�t working either way. �I�m just tired. I�m really tired. I haven�t been sleeping well. And with everything at work, and now with Clay gone,� and at that her eyes flashed hurt and betrayal before settling into a desperate weariness, �I�m just so tired. I need...I need to go home and get some sleep. I�ll be fine once I�ve had a little sleep.� She reached the door and yanked it open. �Please, Sturgis. Don�t say anything about this,� Mac pleaded with him, �You promised, Sturgis. I need you to keep that promise. Please.� Without waiting for a response, she fled from his apartment.
JAG Headquarters
1655 EST
And I thought yesterday was bad. Mac thought wearily to herself as she moved to gather up her things to leave.
1922 EST